Long term relationship with a MM.

[Gail1165]

I'm in a long term relationship with a MM. He doesn't plan on divorcing but acknowledges it may happen. Has anyone successfully had a long term relationship with a married person without getting caught? 

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, AbbyP said:

I'm in a long term relationship with a MM. He doesn't plan on divorcing but acknowledges it may happen. Has anyone successfully had a long term relationship with a married person without getting caught? 

Hi. Ok first of all what is your goal here? You are in a long term relationship with a MM who is trying to tell you it May happen? Do yourself a favor end it now. Read back through my very long thread on here. I was involved with a MM who claimed "It may happen" for the past 18 months. I fell head over heals in love with him and he became my best friend. Well this past Thursday the wife apparently took his phone saw some texts he failed to delete and I was dropped like a rock. If you wish to experience this type of pain down the line keep at it with him. If you wish to move on to a healthy relationship with an available man GET OUT now and save yourself this pain because I can promise you it is the worst kind of pain you will feel! I must ask are you married as well?? Can you provide me with a bit more detail?  

[NYAG]

Are you staying with him because you think he may get divorced or are you staying with him because the current situation is what you want? It is possible to not get caught but that's going to depend on him since he's the one in a marriage.

[Gail1165]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Hi. Ok first of all what is your goal here? You are in a long term relationship with a MM who is trying to tell you it May happen? Do yourself a favor end it now. Read back through my very long thread on here. I was involved with a MM who claimed "It may happen" for the past 18 months. I fell head over heals in love with him and he became my best friend. Well this past Thursday the wife apparently took his phone saw some texts he failed to delete and I was dropped like a rock. If you wish to experience this type of pain down the line keep at it with him. If you wish to move on to a healthy relationship with an available man GET OUT now and save yourself this pain because I can promise you it is the worst kind of pain you will feel! I must ask are you married as well?? Can you provide me with a bit more detail?  

Sorry to have not given much detail. I actually have experienced Ddays before. With him. Years ago. Several times being caught but always getting back together.  We had no contact for a few years (my choice) but last few years have been back in touch. Last year in a relationship again with him. With the knowledge that we aren't talking about divorce and us being together neccessarily. He says if she finds out again she will leave but she didn't before so I doubt that and I'm not pushing for him to leave.  We have been very careful but it's different than it was before and I was just curious if people have made this work. I'm sorry for what you went thru. It's never fair to anyone 

[Gail1165]

1 hour ago, NYAG said:

Are you staying with him because you think he may get divorced or are you staying with him because the current situation is what you want? It is possible to not get caught but that's going to depend on him since he's the one in a marriage.

Because it's what I want at the moment anyway. We have quite a past. I'm not expecting divorce he just says she will if she finds out this time but she never did before so I really don't believe that. We have been there several times before years back. So looking at this differently now I wonder who has been in this situation and made it work. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, AbbyP said:

Has anyone successfully had a long term relationship with a married person without getting caught? 

Define "successful" in this context. 

Do you mean just not getting caught again? What would make this affair successful, from your point of view?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, AbbyP said:

We have been very careful but it's different than it was before and I was just curious if people have made this work.

There is a saying - those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it. 

No offence, but why do you want this to work? Why would you invite this stress into your life? And what does it say about you - that you continue to make the same mistake despite having previously experienced the consequences? You have clearly absolved yourself of any guilt toward his wife when you say “we have been caught before and she didn’t leave…” What of your partner? What entitles you to keep your marriage and engage in behavior that is hurtful to your family? To his family? The fact that you have a past? Just because you have a past with this man doesn’t mean this is a good decision for you. 

Sorry, I know this sounds judgmental and that’s not what you are seeking here. But, really think about this - my personal opinion, no man is so special that I would be willing to suffer this stress, cause this kind of pain to others, and lose my personal integrity. 

Edited November 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

1 hour ago, AbbyP said:

I wonder who has been in this situation and made it work. 

What do you mean by “made it work” - do you mean a LTR that is part-time, such as you have now? Or one that becomes full-time, with whatever that involves (leaving partners, divorce, etc)? What are your critical success factors, here, to huge if it “works” or not? It’s unclear from your post…

On these boards you’ll find all sorts - some of us who are now long-term married to our fAPs; some more recently together with fAPs still negotiating the transition; some who are content with a p/t R with a MP; others who are in a p/t R but hoping it will become a f/t R; and others who have walked away, or been dumped (with or without a DDay). We each have our own ideas about what “success” is, and these might differ from yours. 
 

There are some As that survive multiple DDays, and last decades. It all depends on what you want, what you’re prepared to settle for and what your line in the sand is. (If you have one. There are some OW who seem to be happy to put up with anything, at great personal cost.) 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, AbbyP said:

 I actually have experienced Ddays before.

Are you both in relationships?

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, AbbyP said:

I'm not expecting divorce he just says she will if she finds out this time but she never did before so I really don't believe that.

Don't you find it interesting that he says what she will do if she finds out instead of what he will do if she finds out?  He knows he will never leave her and the only hope is if she leaves him and he isn't able to beg her back.  Which he will try with all his power.  In all of the years you've been messing around with him why hasn't he left her yet?  

[Gail1165]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Don't you find it interesting that he says what she will do if she finds out instead of what he will do if she finds out?  He knows he will never leave her and the only hope is if she leaves him and he isn't able to beg her back.  Which he will try with all his power.  In all of the years you've been messing around with him why hasn't he left her yet?  

No I don't find it interesting bc I already know the answer to that. I didn't go back into this expecting divorce from him. 

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, AbbyP said:

I'm in a long term relationship with a MM. He doesn't plan on divorcing but acknowledges it may happen. Has anyone successfully had a long term relationship with a married person without getting caught? 

So are you interested in how not to get caught or are thinking it will happen again?  Most people eventually get caught unless they have a spouse who doesn't GAS and they are also cheating too.

[RebeccaR]

27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Most people eventually get caught unless they have a spouse who doesn't GAS and they are also cheating too.

To be fair, how do we know this? No one knows about the people who don’t get caught.

[Gail1165]

8 hours ago, Prudence V said:

What do you mean by “made it work” - do you mean a LTR that is part-time, such as you have now? Or one that becomes full-time, with whatever that involves (leaving partners, divorce, etc)? What are your critical success factors, here, to huge if it “works” or not? It’s unclear from your post…

On these boards you’ll find all sorts - some of us who are now long-term married to our fAPs; some more recently together with fAPs still negotiating the transition; some who are content with a p/t R with a MP; others who are in a p/t R but hoping it will become a f/t R; and others who have walked away, or been dumped (with or without a DDay). We each have our own ideas about what “success” is, and these might differ from yours. 
 

There are some As that survive multiple DDays, and last decades. It all depends on what you want, what you’re prepared to settle for and what your line in the sand is. (If you have one. There are some OW who seem to be happy to put up with anything, at great personal cost.) 

Reading this it's true I guess I didn't expand on what I would consider a success. Which I guess isn't the right word either. So you have transitioned into a long term relationship with someone you were in an affair with?  I don't think either of us at this time are in a position to be together full time. Which we have both recognized. Doesn't make feelings go away or keep us from wanting to be together and sometimes we have to remember we have to be careful. Anyway going by what alot of people have said here this isn't a place for me. I thought this was for support and to gather ideas on what others had gone thru but just seems a place for alot  people who want to judge others (your answer excluded which I appreciated) maybe I will just read what others have posted. Just feeling alone in this and need somewhere to find someone to talk to about it. 

[Myabee]

19 minutes ago, AbbyP said:

Reading this it's true I guess I didn't expand on what I would consider a success. Which I guess isn't the right word either. So you have transitioned into a long term relationship with someone you were in an affair with?  I don't think either of us at this time are in a position to be together full time. Which we have both recognized. Doesn't make feelings go away or keep us from wanting to be together and sometimes we have to remember we have to be careful. Anyway going by what alot of people have said here this isn't a place for me. I thought this was for support and to gather ideas on what others had gone thru but just seems a place for alot  people who want to judge others (your answer excluded which I appreciated) maybe I will just read what others have posted. Just feeling alone in this and need somewhere to find someone to talk to about it. 

You know what? I said the same thing not the place for me. I got all nutty in my own head not listening to many, in-fact I put a few people on ignore for a bit only to take off ignore because what they said had merit and I need to here the good and the bad. Don't leave. We got you! That comes from a loving place in my heart. Ok? 

[Daliah]

21 minutes ago, AbbyP said:

Reading this it's true I guess I didn't expand on what I would consider a success. Which I guess isn't the right word either. So you have transitioned into a long term relationship with someone you were in an affair with?  I don't think either of us at this time are in a position to be together full time. Which we have both recognized. Doesn't make feelings go away or keep us from wanting to be together and sometimes we have to remember we have to be careful. Anyway going by what alot of people have said here this isn't a place for me. I thought this was for support and to gather ideas on what others had gone thru but just seems a place for alot  people who want to judge others (your answer excluded which I appreciated) maybe I will just read what others have posted. Just feeling alone in this and need somewhere to find someone to talk to about it. 

Nobody wants to hear that what they are doing is ridiculous, but what we MUST do, if we are to save any remnant of dignity and sanity in a situation like this, is consider the wisdom of those who’ve gone before us without getting our hackles up!

[spiderowl]

3 hours ago, AbbyP said:

No I don't find it interesting bc I already know the answer to that. I didn't go back into this expecting divorce from him. 

So what do you want from him - a secret affair until it becomes known and then to be dumped when he risks losing his wife?  I am wondering what you would get out of this relationship as opposed to one where the guy can commit to you and be open and supportive.

 

Edited November 22, 2021 by spiderowl

[Gail1165]

59 minutes ago, Myabee said:

You know what? I said the same thing not the place for me. I got all nutty in my own head not listening to many, in-fact I put a few people on ignore for a bit only to take off ignore because what they said had merit and I need to here the good and the bad. Don't leave. We got you! That comes from a loving place in my heart. Ok? 

I was looking for a place with people that could lend actual information instead of people who want to come on here and for whatever reason to put me down.  Not meaning you neccessarily. I thought that was what this section was for but obviously it's not. Maybe a few like minded or people who are in the same situation here but overall not really helpful to be judged 

[Gail1165]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you both in relationships?

Sort of yes I would say. His more conventional mine less conventional with alittle more space but also not something I want to give up at this time. Nor would I want to be caught neccessarily. 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, AbbyP said:

I was looking for a place with people that could lend actual information instead of people who want to come on here and for whatever reason to put me down.  Not meaning you neccessarily. I thought that was what this section was for but obviously it's not. Maybe a few like minded or people who are in the same situation here but overall not really helpful to be judged 

There are forums out there who encourage and support people who are cheating on their spouses.  Both MM/MW/OW/OM.   That is probably what you're looking for.

Edited November 23, 2021 by stillafool

[elaine567]

17 hours ago, AbbyP said:

I'm in a long term relationship with a MM. He doesn't plan on divorcing but acknowledges it may happen. Has anyone successfully had a long term relationship with a married person without getting caught? 

The trouble with these  appeals for people in similar situations is that they are not you and you are not them. Someone could tell you they never got caught over 25 years and you, doing the same stuff could be caught tomorrow.
There are no formulas for success in "making it work".
Affairs are no more secure than any other relationship, all can be going swimmingly well, to suddenly turn into a nightmare...
It can be working for you, to find it is not working for him any more, or vice versa...
If you want a guarantee, then it is just not possible.

[Luna66star]

Kindly define more what you mean by working.  Meaning sneaking around so W doesn't catch him again?  Or him leaving  her to be with you?  What's your goal here?  

How can you even respect this man?  A lot of women feel sorry for the plight of MM, their woes and complaints.  How do you know its the truth.

Maybe the casualness is ok with you because that's all it is?

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Gail1165 said:

  Just feeling alone in this and need somewhere to find someone to talk to about it. 

Understandable. That is the plight of the mistress. The secrecy. The lies. The isolation.

Being alone knowing they are with the person they're legally committed to 

All you can do is end it for good and free yourself from it.

[Prudence V]

22 hours ago, Gail1165 said:

he just says she will if she finds out this time

Is that something he wants, or something he wants to prevent, at this stage? 
 

12 hours ago, Gail1165 said:

I don't think either of us at this time are in a position to be together full time.

Fair enough. That was where we were too, at first - a p/t setup suited us very well for the first few years. But as time went on, we fell in love and wanted to be together f/t. Our kids grew up and it got to a point where it looked like it might be feasible to be together, so we spoke about that, agreed on something to work toward, and a timeline. We each got on with what we needed to do, and have been together since, very happily. Not everyone works out that way; we had a few things going for us that some people don’t have, which made it so much easier:

• he had long ago checked out of his M, and was only there for the kids
• we were always completely honest with each other
• his family and friends were all very supportive of our R
• we were realistic about the challenges we would face - we had been LDR, so one of us had to move thousands of miles 
• we had both seen how toxic M could be, so we both worked hard to ensure our M was positive, healthy, and non-toxic, from the start

You know where you stand, and what your situation on the ground is like. You obviously are getting more out of your current R than you would be getting without it, so you’re happy with the p/t situation for now. But recognise that this might not remain so - especially if his BW does find out, does dump him, and he suddenly wants to move to a f/t situation. You might be faced with a choice, then, and you need to think about what you would do at that point. And, you need to discuss that with him, so you’re both on the same page. 

 

[Distraught1]

Hi Gail,

I'm currently in a similar situation, I think. I don't know all the details of your situation but I'm in an affair w/ a married man that I've known for 16 years. My situation is that we are both in traditional marriages and are not expecting the other to leave them. Based on the mutual understanding we are both careful and conscience of that. Priority: family, work, us.

It's not ideal but we are both on the same page to keep this going. This is a long distance affair so mostly emotional and very occasionally sexual. I'm imagining this is not your scenario. We are loving and supportive friends that are very honest about our lives. I care for him deeply but know that it's a love that has boundaries that we have set from the beginning. We were best friends for several years until he got married. His wife demanded he end the plutonic relationship. He ghosted me. It was extremely painful. 3 years ago he reconnected with me telling me that he missed me and thought about me for all the years that we disengaged. He wanted to be more than friends when we reconnected. I could have stayed plutonic, if I'm being honest, but I was in a lonely place in my marriage and his attention was very desirable. 

Anyway, we are making this work because we fill a need that the other has. Will it end? Will there be a D day? I really hope not because we both don't want to destroy our families. I'm sure I'll get comments about how I already am doing so and I get that. *no need to tell me* I do think that if his wife found out he would leave this relationship again, but conversely, if my husband found out I would end this with him. So for the time being it is working but I'm not unrealistic about what could happen down the road. We have been in an affair for 3 years and are also colleges. So there is the fear of work finding out too but based on the distance and very few times we are together as a group...especially w/ Covid...very unlikely. So if our careers were threatened we may end it too. So, making it work in an affair like this is most likely temporary but I have no motivation to end it now. It feels extremely selfish but also something that I need very deeply. I wish I didn't. At first I thought this may just be a "last hurrah" or something that would fill me up temporarily. It was a sexual thing to begin but based on the history and the initial strong connection years ago, has now turned into so much more. Fear and mental gymnastics going on constantly to make both parts of me work. I NEVER though I'd be a person that would engage in something like this. I am currently in therapy to try to sort this and other areas of my life out.

It is not easy either way you go...to leave or stay...but most likely your MM will not leave his wife. In my case, at this point, I'm not looking for that. He lives far away and has two beautiful children. I have children that are older but still living at home. If anything were to ever happen it would be many years down the road. We are both realistic about this...so perhaps this is why this works for us. Also, in the three years that we have been involved in this, I've seen him twice in person with a plan to meet again in Feb. But we email several times a day and text, talk on the phone/video call a couple times a week. Probably a little unique in the way we conduct ourselves.

Take care and good luck to you!

 

Edited November 23, 2021 by Distraught1