Help to understand hard breakup

[marc237]

Hi,

I'm reaching out as I really need to get some perspective on my recent, hard breakup (1 week ago). I'm 31, she's 26.

We had been in a relationship for about 2 years. There had been 3/4 months of long distance at the beginning, then a break (she decided she couldn't do long distance as we did) and got back together when she moved back to start a serious relationship that lasted as said a little less than 2 years.

She's a wonderful girl, serious, trustworthy, loving, but has always been stuck in the past, asking many times about previous girls, and about the times I had Tinder (at the beginning of our relationship, never during it), or about Instagram people. This lead to many small fights as with time I started to be fed up with this, given that it could happen at any time (all of a sudden during a beautiful vacation, a trip, a lunch somewhere). It would drive her to be sad, silent and then explain she would be thinking about those things.

The situation got tougher in the last months, also having some personal issues she was aware of (some little health issues and hard times caused by remote work, loneliness etc). She lives in another city and we'd see each other only on Friday Saturday and Sunday. We had more discussions, mainly about jealousy (started from both sides, it could be about parties, who is him/her, or about social media) and insecurities about how our relationship started. 

A couple weeks ago I downloaded some apps (I told her I would) to meet new people in the city to co-work (no dating-only apps like Tinder or Bumble, but apps like Internations, Inner Circle, Meet Up). I clarified on the profiles header I was ONLY looking for possible coworkers and remote workers in the city, NO DATING. This was written at the top of the profile. I spoke with a couple guys and girls over them about remote working and similar things, and they added me on Instagram, that was it.

A few days later my ex-gf asked me to see my phone, I gave it to her, she went on Instagram, saw a girl's profile and asked me about her. I explained the situation, showed her the profiles and that I wasn't looking for any dating. There wasn't any conversation, even like or anything. I told her we could contact the girl and ask her, I told her I can give her all my passwords.

She considered this as a huge betrayal of trust and as if I cheated on her, as on some of those apps you could also do dating (if you wanted to). We tried talking about it and seemed like it was resolved. A couple days later I had to leave for an important business trip, she accepted it even if I told her I could skip if she wasn't feeling okay about our situation.

During the trip, she started fading away more and more, until sending a message saying she had started therapy because of our relationship, that she wasn't feeling well physically nor mentally, and to not call or text her, that we will speak the next week. I respected it and didn't reach out for 4 days.

A week ago, she video-called me and broke up with me, saying our relationship has caused her depression and anxiety, and she needed to be alone. To not call, text or anything. It was completely over without a chance to at least talk about it in person and see if we could make it work. I was destroyed, and accepted what she asked me.

The next morning I sent her one single 8 lines text message asking her to try and understand that I never cheated on her and would never cheat on her, that she was the love of my life and to at least try to talk about it. She told me this had already been discusses and as I couldn't respect her desire to not be texted, she blocked me on every platform and social media. Her friends and sisters did the same a few days later (I hadn't texted her, or anybody). She also texted my parents the same day saying that the relationship was over because I went on dating apps to meet girls, that in her house they had values, and that they had to help me understand it was completely over.

Now I'm here trying to understand all this and trying to understand how to cope with these feelings. I feel like a criminal, like a cheater without having cheated, I feel guilty for all the discussions, I feel like I lost the one and I'm worried for the future as I'm depicted for someone I'm not. I also started to suffer extreme anxiety, as I really cannot understand all this. We've had amazing times together and I can't believe it can all be over this way.

I will appreciate any suggestion or help! Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. However it's been fraught with trust issues all along, mostly your interest activities upsetting her. Also 2 years is a long time to just keep going in circles getting stuck in these issues rather than move the relationship forward towards more trust and commitment.

[marc237]

I know, however we were committed and we had plans to move in together, etc. I now feel like this should have been addressed before but we never really did fix the issues, and it exploded this way.

I'm not trying to get back with her, but I'm trying to feel better or at least understand how this might have happened.

I also have valuable things at her house (1 pc, working chair etc), and she has many things at mine. I don't know how to handle all this has everybody in her circle has blocked me.

Edited November 22, 2021 by marc237

[glows]

Are the items replaceable? Consider them replaceable if they have no sentimental value or great value in some other way. Did you leave your previous gf or relationship to be with her? Life does have a way of coming back to haunt especially if a relationship didn't start off well or involved monkeybranching or confusion. 

What on earth is co-work? I don't understand it in the context you describe with remote work. You are looking for coworkers to hang out with in similar industry? Why not just attend conferences or regular socials involving industry meet ups or coordinated by your chapter or governing body? 

Do you have other interests also such as sports or activities that you may be interested in? Join groups and attend events or group trips out with similar minded people. 

It seems the both of you are quite different. You may be searching for more friends or to expand your social circle and she's content with the relationship as it is. 

[Acacia98]

Sorry. I know the breakup hurts you deeply. But for your sake, I'm relieved the relationship is over. Assuming you are indeed trustworthy and haven't done anything to justify being doubted (I will continue making this assumption unless you write something that confirms that her doubts were justified), you shouldn't have to go through life being apologetic when you've done no wrong. You shouldn't have to bend yourself into pretzel shapes to accommodate another person's unreasonable expectations.

I realize your empathy for your ex contributed to your accommodative treatment of her. Being empathetic is a good thing. But being empathetic to the point that you won't even remove yourself from a bad situation is not. You have a right to be angry and frustrated with her, you know? Where are those emotions? In a more ideal situation, you should have drawn a line somewhere and said that, if she crossed it, you would end the relationship. You see, even as you make an effort to treat the other person right, you should have the expectation that the other person will treat you right.

As for your girlfriend, she really should have ended the relationship a long time ago if she genuinely felt she couldn't trust you (whether or not that feeling was based on reality). That is always a better thing to do than to make the other person jump through hoops for the rest of their lives to prove they're not cheating. If she should choose to contact you again one day and try to reconcile (which I think is unlikely), please draw a line and protect yourself. Don't put yourself back into an untenable relationship situation. 

Edited November 25, 2021 by Acacia98

[spiderowl]

Hi marc237,

I'm really sorry this happened to you.  Whatever the rights or wrongs about the social meeting apps, it seemed she was already paranoid that you might cheat (for some reason).  You didn't tell her you were joining those apps and that was the final straw in a relationship that seems to have been fraught with fear on her part.

Obviously, we do not know if your ex had reason to doubt you because we do not know what your behaviour was before you met her or while you were with her, but if you are telling us the situation as it truly was, then she was very insecure and could not tolerate that insecurity.  It could be she will have a continuing problem with that in the future.

It must be very hurtful to feel accused like this.  There has to be a modicum of fundamental trust for a relationship to work and she just didn't have that trust.

I suggest that there is little point in talking to her about this.  She has made her decision and, whatever you say or do, you are only going to end up back in an 'even-less-trusting' relationship than before.  Don't you deserve some respect and trust in your life without constantly having to prove yourself?

In future, if you are going to do anything significant socially, like join groups, go to regular events, join meeting apps, it would be best to let any girlfriend know.  You want to build trust between you. 

Edited November 26, 2021 by spiderowl

[marc237]

Thanks for all your replies  @spiderowl, @Acacia98, @glows.

She was indeed very insecure through the relationship, mainly as mentioned because it started with 3-4 months of long distance, doubts etc. I had used dating apps before her and had other girls before we became serious, and we spoke about it. She also kissed a guy at a club through those months, which probably didn't help.

Since we got back together and for the 1.5 years that followed, neither of us did anything wrong to the other. The doubts and insecurities would keep coming though from her side, and just based on that past and things like an Instagram follow. This led to a lot of resentment which was very difficult to handle. 
I don't know if those doubts were justified for her with the beginning of our relationship.

I had told her multiple times I couldn't handle all that anymore as it created so much stress, but I would have never left, I would have tried anything to make it work with her.

The violent way of ending the relationship from one day to the next (via phone, then blocking me everywhere the day after), has caused me extreme anxiety which I don't know how to overcome. I started therapy as well. I've never felt this way in my life.

I ask myself everyday how she could not even be worried about me, or at least be willing to talk in person rather than behaving like this.

Do you have any advice for me?

Thanks a lot

 

[glows]

Put this behind you and give yourself a lot of time. The first impressions you both had of each other most likely framed and influenced the rest of the relationship later on. 

Sometimes people remove others out of their life not because they do not care or don't have any feelings but because it's the best thing they can do and the most positive thing they can do for themselves especially where there's lack of trust and a ton of resentment, along with being completely incompatible overall. She doesn't owe you a talk or anything else after a break up unfortunately. Try moving on and lean on friends and family.

[Lauriebell82]

LDR's require lots of trust. I might be a little skeptical if my boyfriend was trying to meet female friends on non-dating apps. Even in co-working situations. Why would you want to do that if you are in a serious commited relationship? I am all for having opposite sex friendships, BUT specifically seeking out opposite sex relationships when your current relationship is already having issues (and TRUST ISSUES at that!) does not seem like a smart thing to do. 

So it bodes the question...what was your motive for this? Did you want to explore other women in your city under the guise that it was just for "friends'? Then in case your current relationship didn't work out, you had a plan B? Perhaps do some thinking on that. Obviously your girlfriend already had some pre-existing insecurity AND jealousy issues going on, so knowing this I can't imagine that you wouldn't have figured out that trying to meet other women (even for friendship purposes) would fly with her. So quite honestly I would accept some responsibility for your own actions. You seem very much to be playing the victim here. Like she is just insecure/mentally ill and you are a the innocent pawn. It always takes two in every situation.