How to cope with unhappy spouse?

[simps0n]

Hiya,

It's been a while since I last posted here, but here I am again, seeking for some free of charge honest & brutal councelling

I'm now married for 5+ years and wife blessed me with 3 wonderful kids (oldest is 5yo). Not neccessary to say, but with the little ones around our life and relationship changed dramatically. With the pandemic and everything, we spent the past couple of years primarily at home and engaged with the typical daily routines related to work and household. I'd say both of us are a bit exhausted, but still giving our best for our kids. Generally I'd say I love my wife and will have respect for her forever, but I honestly do not really think the feelings are mutual anymore.

I find my wife generally unhappy and I'm confused on how to deal with this situation. Let's first clarify that we still have sex life (I'd rate it as *average*) and I for one still find her attractive, so I do not think the main problem is related to intimacy. Apart from that and the taking care of children, we have no much in common. The result is that I have a wife blaming me for insignificant things, devaluing me and openly disrespecting our relationship on a regular basis. Generally I'm quite calm person and try to keep on the ground, but I admit sometimes I get truly hurt and become defensive, which leads us into arguing.

I know communication is key and I have already expressed my feelings, but I do not think this is actually leading us to anything productive. We appear to have some fundamentally different views on basic things, so discussing feelings appear to get us even more frustrated or worse, more arguing. In order to survive in this relationship, I have caught myself to practice some emotional 'detachment' from my partner, but I know this might be risky in the long term and would not be a solution. Additionally, even though most of the time we are actually seemingly getting on well, I still find her generally dissatisfied with our relationship.

What would you advise me to do? Is there a chance to save this marriage? 

I have tried to keep it short, but if I'm missing on something that may be important please let me know.

Thank you.

Edited November 22, 2021 by simps0n

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, simps0n said:

The result is that I have a wife blaming me for insignificant things, devaluing me and openly disrespecting our relationship on a regular basis.

The result of what? Not having much in common? I think you’re going to have to have a heart to heart with your wife about this. 
 

[basil67]

I agree that you need a heart to heart.   But to me, having fundamental different on basic things has the potential to be highly problematic.  What kinds of things do you clash over?

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, simps0n said:

The result is that I have a wife blaming me for insignificant things, devaluing me and openly disrespecting our relationship on a regular basis.

I have a friend who had two kids, 15 months apart. When the doctor told her she was pregnant with her second, he asked if he could give her some advice. He told her “As the father of three kids under five, I’m going to tell you - it’s not a good idea.” 😂

That said, I can only imagine how absolutely depleted your wife must feel. I know how exhausted I am, and I work full time, we have a teenager in the home part time, and I have a partner. I have stayed with my brother’s three children for a week when they were all this age - I love them, but they were in bed before their bedtime every night! 😂 

If anything, I am just trying to offer a little perspective - this is a hard time of life. It’s joyful, to have young children in the home. But, it is really tough.

I will be honest and say, when life gets busy or stressful - I find myself becoming frustrated with my partner, I get annoyed about the insignificant things, I blame him for some things and ask him to help more and take some of the pressure off… He seems to sail through life sometimes, oblivious to the fact that I’m drowning and that makes me really angry and unhappy sometimes. 

I don’t know if you are still compatible with your wife - only you can determine that and I would suggest that if you are not able to communicate with each other then you should seek the support of a counsellor - if not for yourselves, so it for the three children who would prefer that their parents work to keep their family together if possible…

Someone wise once told me at a very difficult time, be kind to each other. My advice would be to talk to her, make an appointment for you both to talk with a counsellor, listen to what she says, work to take the pressure off (for both of you.). If she is having a hard time - consider some changes, hire a babysitter, consider daycare, reduce her work to part time, hire a house cleaner, help her around the house more, give her more time to herself, plan something fun for you both to do together… It sounds cliche, but every little bit helps. With three kids under five, I can’t imagine that she is not feeling overwhelmed with life. Good luck.

Edited November 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, simps0n said:

I find my wife generally unhappy and I'm confused on how to deal with this situation. Let's first clarify that we still have sex life (I'd rate it as *average*) and I for one still find her attractive, so I do not think the main problem is related to intimacy.

I find it interesting that your first inclination after you say that your wife is unhappy is to talk about the fact that you still have sex. From personal experience - a wife can have sex and still be profoundly unhappy with her life. Sharing intimacy is not a barometer for happiness… although, I can see how, as a man, you may make the correlation. As they say, men have sex to feel love, women must feel love to have sex. A truly disconnected wife would disconnect from a husband emotionally and sexually. I’m simply adding my women’s perspective - a wife who is just overburdened and unhappy may still have sex with her husband. Women and emotions are very, very complicated…

Edited November 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, simps0n said:

I know communication is key and I have already expressed my feelings, but I do not think this is actually leading us to anything productive.

Has she been able to express her feelings to you and have you truly listened to her? 

Edited November 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, simps0n said:

 , I have caught myself to practice some emotional 'detachment' from my partner, but I know this might be risky in the long term and would not be a solution. 

Agree. Being checked out is a huge problem.

Why aren't you addressing the issues? What, exactly, is she dissatisfied about?

You can coast along and ignore her concerns while you "detach", but it's contributing to the vicious cycle of nag-ignore-nag more-ignore more etc.

Decide what you want. 

[simps0n]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If anything, I am just trying to offer a little perspective - this is a hard time of life. It’s joyful, to have young children in the home. But, it is really tough.

I think you are quite spot on. Our daily routine is really exhausting, but I take it as a period. I know there are up and downs, so I managed to set my mindset to go through.

She seems not to be thinking this way tough and I think that she's afraid that  we'll be fully disconnected when kids are grown. I can understand that, but my encouragement and positiveness with this regard is not really working with her, so eventually I also start feeling pessimistic.

Thanks for the advice for the counselling, I think this may be a good idea.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, simps0n said:

. I can understand that, but my encouragement and positiveness with this regard is not really working with her, so eventually I also start feeling pessimistic.

Do you have any close friends and family who could babysit for a date night or weekend getaway?

Your wife already stepped outside the marriage for a threesome with someone friends. So this disconnect is something to stop ignoring, hoping it just goes away.

This encouragement and positively isn't working because you're ignoring issues with a everything will be ok attitude...when it's far from ok.

Yes marriage therapy could help get the cards on the table about what is really bothering her.

[simps0n]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Being checked out is a huge problem.

Why aren't you addressing the issues? What, exactly, is she dissatisfied about?

You can coast along and ignore her concerns while you "detach", but it's contributing to the vicious cycle of nag-ignore-nag more-ignore more etc.

Decide what you want. 

Well, the typical things she's dissatisfied are primarily, as I said, insignificant (like ). She will complain even if my voice tone sounds improper to her. I try to ignore & not get into fights for little things, but sometimes I get defensive (or at least ironic).

Of course I think her dissatisfaction is on much deeper level. I think after 5 years of marriage her feelings to me are fading (if existing at all), so this is probably making her feel doubtful for our future. I can understand that, but I feel that she wants me to somehow make her love me as before, which is something I simply cannot do. I think that her expectations for married life were very different from reality. My impression is that she wants me to be just different. Generally I don't think a partner should be asking his half for this and apart from becoming a 'family guy'', I have not changed much since we met. On the other hand she's gone through a lot -- several pregnancies, depression and heavy drinking period. Luckily we got through all of it, but all of these events seem to made her feel detached from me rather the opposite. 

[simps0n]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Has she been able to express her feelings to you and have you truly listened to her? 

She actually shared that she is feeling devalued. I honestly give my best for her & the family and I acknowledge she is working hard at home. I try to make her compliments every day and praise her for the good stuff she's doing. It's ok, but when we inevitably get into any occasional argument, she's backfiring with devaluing me. 

So in return I do not really get the same behavior -- she's rather cold -- and even though I do not really need compliments or everyday showing of love, I get hurt when she is using me as an emotional punchbag.

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, simps0n said:

 I acknowledge she is working hard at home. I try to make her compliments every day and praise her for the good stuff she's doing. 

Do you both work? Do you help out around the house and with the kids?

When's the last time you got a babysitter and went out for a date?

She doesn't need to hear what a good mother/housekeeper she is. 

You seem to be oblivious to her distress and just carry on passively never responding in meaningful ways.

Is there financial stress? Stress with in-laws? Physical or mental health issues. You seemed to dismiss that she was depressed and drinking. Is she sober? Getting help and support?

You appear to be uninvolved except for getting sarcastic and raising your voice in arguments. 

Your description of her unhappiness serms like guessing.  Have you really listened?

[simps0n]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you both work? Do you help out around the house and with the kids?

When's the last time you got a babysitter and went out for a date?

She doesn't need to hear what a good mother/housekeeper she is. 

You seem to be oblivious to her distress and just carry on passively never responding in meaningful ways.

Is there financial stress? Stress with in-laws? Physical or mental health issues. You seemed to dismiss that she was depressed and drinking. Is she sober? Getting help and support?

You appear to be uninvolved except for getting sarcastic and raising your voice in arguments. 

Your description of her unhappiness seems like guessing.  Have you really listened?

Currently its just me working, but I am at/close to home most of the time and help with the kids/housekeeping even at my lunch breaks. In the evenings she is quite tired and goes to bed early while I stay up with our oldest for few more hours until I put it to bed. I am quite dedicated to the kids and have no issues with taking care for them while she wants to go to the mall or something similar. Personally I gave up of all of my hobbies, going out or just having some personal time.

Kids have recently started going to a daycare, but its just for a couple of hours and still not making a real difference. We have not done date nights for a long, but we are really out of pace in the evenings. I think we'd both love to do a weekend out of town on our own and I hope that within the next few months that might be possible.

In-laws is something that I am actually concerned. Her parents are divorced (she's their only kid) and I wouldn't say they both like me. Her mother is essentially her best friend and knows absolutely everything about us. But she gets only my wife's point of view and understandably gets protective for her child hence the biased judgement for me. Her father is kind of living in estrangement and I have completely different views with him for life in general. I do not get in any arguments with any of them, but as her parents they have some strong influence on  her, which I personally think is not healthy. During a couple of therapies related to wife's depression (with different therapists), it was pointed out that her parents and their parenting approaches played a huge role for being susceptible to this condition. During the years she also got into some fights with them and has not been communicating with them for months, so they are much more of lets say a passionate type of family compared to the one I was raised in.

I think I am a good listener and I am definitely not just guessing. As I explained previously, she says she is feeling devalued and not liking her housewife status. For this reason I pushed her to start looking for a job and she she actually found one and will be starting next month. I hope the distraction from the household stuff will be useful, but I'm afraid her dissatisfaction of our relationship is on a some deeper level. 

Edited November 23, 2021 by simps0n

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, simps0n said:

not liking her housewife status. For this reason I pushed her to start looking for a job and she she actually found one and will be starting next month.

Excellent. Getting out of the house and doing something with other adults and meaningful, besides just being at home 24/7 will help. When is the last time you did something romantic? Flowers? Dinner? Told her she's beautiful? 

If she is depressed, she needs a physician, not a therapist, who you claim, dislikes her mother as much as you do. Leave that relationship alone. It has nothing to do with your marital problems. It's you and her. You two need to work things out as a couple, whether she confides in her mother or not..

Edited November 23, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Woggle]

Have a heart to heart with her and try to communicate and hopefully that gets somewhere. If it doesn't then you might have to start making some decisions. You need to figure if she really wants to fix things or just want to make you the villian in her story.

[simps0n]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Getting out of the house and doing something with other adults and meaningful, besides just being at home 24/7 will help. When is the last time you did something romantic? Flowers? Dinner? Told her she's beautiful? 

If she is depressed, she needs a physician, not a therapist, who you claim, dislikes her mother as much as you do. Leave that relationship alone. It has nothing to do with your marital problems. It's you and her. You two need to work things out as a couple, whether she confides in her mother or not..

I bought her flowers last week when she's got the job offer. I tell her how good she looks every other day and I do it quite sincerely because I actually feel this way. I already explained why going out for dinner/date is not working, but I hope we will be able to fix this very soon. 

I agree that it is between her & me, but I am not the one involving other people with our issues. I actually recently asked her to re-consider her mother's involvement and influence in our family matters and she seemingly agreed.

[mark clemson]

18 hours ago, simps0n said:

I find my wife generally unhappy and I'm confused on how to deal with this situation. Let's first clarify that we still have sex life (I'd rate it as *average*) and I for one still find her attractive, so I do not think the main problem is related to intimacy. Apart from that and the taking care of children, we have no much in common. The result is that I have a wife blaming me for insignificant things, devaluing me and openly disrespecting our relationship on a regular basis. Generally I'm quite calm person and try to keep on the ground, but I admit sometimes I get truly hurt and become defensive, which leads us into arguing.

I know communication is key and I have already expressed my feelings, but I do not think this is actually leading us to anything productive. We appear to have some fundamentally different views on basic things, so discussing feelings appear to get us even more frustrated or worse, more arguing. In order to survive in this relationship, I have caught myself to practice some emotional 'detachment' from my partner, but I know this might be risky in the long term and would not be a solution.

It sounds like your preference is to continue the marriage and "work on it" (which is positive). Given that, I think there is a strong case here for marriage counseling. Sometimes it helps a lot to have a 3rd party "referee" as you discuss the problems and try to figure out ways to address them. Keep it constructive. I suspect some people are ok with practicing "emotional detachment" from their partners (and I think it's probably necessary occasionally in many if not most marriages) but it's probably far from ideal on a LT basis.

It may be that your wife simply has become accustomed to "venting" on you emotionally and needs to find other outlets as it's starting to substantially damage you (emotionally) and your marriage. (As well as addressing whatever may be driving her negative feelings.)

If you look for a counselor, I suggest you choose one with a lot of experience and who genuinely specializes in couples counseling. Also don't hesitate to find a new one if you don't like them, as a certain % are weirdos and/or have their own agendas.

Edited November 23, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, simps0n said:

I actually recently asked her to re-consider her mother's involvement and influence in our family matters and she seemingly agreed.

She can speak to her own mother if she wishes. Ultimately it's her decisions and if she happens to agree with her mother, then so be it. Stay out of that tug-of-war.

[dramafreezone]

Sorry you're going through this OP.

I think disrespect is something that starts off early on.  It doesn't come from nowhere.  Adults are not that different from children when it comes to how they respond to action or lack of action.  Both children and adults will take an inch and go as far as we can with it.   I think she began with a small, seemingly insignificant sign of disrespect towards you.  You let it slide, she took it further, and further.  Over time the disrespect became more frequent and more blatant, and it's what led to what you're experiencing now.  Your problem is that you never stopped it.

No one goes from being perfectly respectful of another person to belittling them all the time, it's a slow, insidious process.  You never checked disrespect when it was managable, and now it's out of control.  Her unhappiness I think is in part (and this may be hard to hear) is because you don't have the chest to stand up to her.  You can raise your voice, but that doesn't do anything if you're not willing to follow up your words with action, which is to leave.  If you won't stand up to her, how can she respect you?  If she can't respect you, she can't love you.

If she's feeling "devalued" ok, but none of that is an excuse for her behavior.  There is an adult way to handle things, and there's the way she's choosing to handle it, like a child.  What do children do when things aren't going their way?  They stop their feet, they yell, they call names, they demean.  Sound familiar to you? 

This life was not forced on her, she chose it.  Now she's in a sense blaming you for it.  If she wants to change her circumstances, there are steps to do that, but disrespecting you is not a part of that process in any way.

It may be too far gone, but I think you need to make it clear that the disrespect stops now, and you have to follow that up with action (means you should be prepared to leave).   Counseling should definitely be considered but it won't do anything if you don't make it clear that her disrespect stops today.

Edited November 23, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Woggle]

People don't realize how important respect is in a woman's attraction. She has to respect you in order to be attracted to you and when she loses respect for you then resentment starts creeping in. You need to nip this in the bud before it is too late. Sit down with her and discuss why she is unhappy and what she wants from you. If she can give concrete examples and is willing to work with you to make it a happy marriage then this has a chance. If it gets nowhere and she just blames you for everything then you know where you stand. 

Whatever you do stop rewarding her resentment with being more doting and more willing to cater to her. When a woman is in that resentment and blame mode it only makes things worse. 

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, has your wife taken any depression meds. Sometimes people just need the boost of meds because they're too exhausted to do the long work of combatting depression through therapy--and for some people therapy ain't enough.

Can you be specific about what she says about you that belittles and disrespects you? You seem quite patient with her. 

[basil67]

You say that she uses you as an emotional punching bag.  Can you give examples of the kind of things she says?   

I feel like there will be answers (or at least, hints) in those words.

[simps0n]

9 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Sorry you're going through this OP.

I think disrespect is something that starts off early on.  It doesn't come from nowhere.  Adults are not that different from children when it comes to how they respond to action or lack of action.  Both children and adults will take an inch and go as far as we can with it.   I think she began with a small, seemingly insignificant sign of disrespect towards you.  You let it slide, she took it further, and further.  Over time the disrespect became more frequent and more blatant, and it's what led to what you're experiencing now.  Your problem is that you never stopped it.

No one goes from being perfectly respectful of another person to belittling them all the time, it's a slow, insidious process.  You never checked disrespect when it was managable, and now it's out of control.  Her unhappiness I think is in part (and this may be hard to hear) is because you don't have the chest to stand up to her.  You can raise your voice, but that doesn't do anything if you're not willing to follow up your words with action, which is to leave.  If you won't stand up to her, how can she respect you?  If she can't respect you, she can't love you.

If she's feeling "devalued" ok, but none of that is an excuse for her behavior.  There is an adult way to handle things, and there's the way she's choosing to handle it, like a child.  What do children do when things aren't going their way?  They stop their feet, they yell, they call names, they demean.  Sound familiar to you? 

This life was not forced on her, she chose it.  Now she's in a sense blaming you for it.  If she wants to change her circumstances, there are steps to do that, but disrespecting you is not a part of that process in any way.

It may be too far gone, but I think you need to make it clear that the disrespect stops now, and you have to follow that up with action (means you should be prepared to leave).   Counseling should definitely be considered but it won't do anything if you don't make it clear that her disrespect stops today.

Thanks for your words, it all makes a lot of sense really.

I acknowledge your points about being respectful and I really felt that she's losing it towards me a while ago. I remember I actually raised this with her, but as you suggested I obviously have not followed up with proper actions.

I believe that love in marriage has up and downs, but respect should be always constant if you want to stay in that marriage. Personally even if things end bad, I will still respect her because she gave birth to my children. But of course this does not mean that I am afraid to confront her bad behaviour. I gave it a lot of thought, why she has lost it with me. A while ago I read this quote from a Canadian author that I really liked. You either give or get love, but you do not ask for it. I think the same is valid with respect. Maybe that's why I never felt right pleading or begging for respect. Anyway, this is just my point of view, so thanks again for your input. Much appreciated.

Edited November 24, 2021 by simps0n

[simps0n]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

You say that she uses you as an emotional punching bag.  Can you give examples of the kind of things she says?   

I feel like there will be answers (or at least, hints) in those words.

Well, the feeling for being an emotional punchbag is because of these periods of blaming, devaluation and disrespect. I say periods because there are these *bad* days, but majority of the time we manage to keep it calm. If I have to be more specific, I will share an experience from few days ago that really hurt me. I shared with her that there is a significant risk for me to lose my job. Instead of support or at least some empathy, I got somewhat blamed that I should have changed my job earlier and should have pursued some better carrier. Just to be clear with you, my job is still our only source of financials, but this has been treated like for granted. I acknowledge that I gave up of my professional development in the past few years, but the main reason I did this is because my job allowed me to stay close to family in a difficult period (with babies and wife in post-depression period). Of course I share my point of view with her, but she just has some different perception.

[simps0n]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, has your wife taken any depression meds. Sometimes people just need the boost of meds because they're too exhausted to do the long work of combatting depression through therapy--and for some people therapy ain't enough.

Can you be specific about what she says about you that belittles and disrespects you? You seem quite patient with her. 

Yes, she's been taking depression meds for about 2 years.  She's tried therapies before that, but her situation was quite bad and these had no effect.

I have shared a recent example of disrespect just in the previous post, so please check there. I agree that I am patient and although it may sound pathetic the reason are my kids. At this stage I am making this effort primarily because of them. The relationship with my wife entered its decline just after her first pregnancy, so I admit it is the kids that (still) keep me fighting for this marriage. Nevertheless, I am perfectly aware that this cannot be the only one reason to stay in a marriage forever.

Edited November 24, 2021 by simps0n