How to cope with unhappy spouse?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, simps0n said:

. I shared with her that there is a significant risk for me to lose my job. Instead of support or at least some empathy, I got somewhat blamed that I should have changed my job earlier and should have pursued some better carrier. 

This isn't emotional abuse. This is concern over feeding the kids. Who "supports" losing a job? 

What, exactly, is "significant risk of losing your job"?  Either you are being laid off/fired or not.

Instead you should be out rectifying this either through looking for jobs or seeing what's going on at work.

Unfortunately you seem to create a lot of drama and stress for the whole family.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

What, exactly, is "significant risk of losing your job"?  Either you are being laid off/fired or not.

To be fair, it’s not always that simple. Hubby’s dept is facing a 10% reduction in staff shortly and nobody knows who’s going.   

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

 dept is facing a 10% reduction in staff shortly and nobody knows who’s going.   

Exactly why the resumes should be out there already and a second job should already be happening.

"Not fair" is kids who won't have food, clothing, shelter or healthcare because their father won't prepare to provide for them.

In the US parents are legally responsible for providing those things. Otherwise child protective services can remove them. So bellyaching and sitting on thumbs is not an option.

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly why the resumes should be out there already and a second job should already be happening.

Which underscores that whether you’re being laid off or not isn’t always clear from the outset.   Hubby has had more than one golden handshake (and he’s currently hoping for another) but unlike binary scenario you proposed,  for him, there has always been a period uncertainty.  We are in one right now. 

 

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, it’s not always that simple. Hubby’s dept is facing 

Misunderstand. Thought you were addressing the OP situation. 

[TobyBoy]

Sorry you’re back again, I remember your post from a couple of years ago. Did you ever get the whole truth about her cheating/threesome? Could she be cheating again?

[simps0n]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This isn't emotional abuse. This is concern over feeding the kids. Who "supports" losing a job? 

What, exactly, is "significant risk of losing your job"?  Either you are being laid off/fired or not.

Instead you should be out rectifying this either through looking for jobs or seeing what's going on at work.

Unfortunately you seem to create a lot of drama and stress for the whole family.

Excuse me but my understanding for a life partnership includes being supportive, kind and respectful to your other half. If it wasn't the case, I would have been long out of this relationship, probably with a custody of a child due to mental health issues and/or alcohol abuse by the mother. Instead, I remained supportive to this person and today I believe I helped her overcome all of it.

I think starting/switching a job might definitely be a stressful event in ones life. I agree that I am responsible for providing to the family and I never thought to stop doing it, but I do not understand how could I avoid such events from happening. Do people in your country have their jobs for life? I'd really consider migrating to this stress-free society

Edited November 24, 2021 by simps0n

[simps0n]

2 hours ago, TobyBoy said:

Sorry you’re back again, I remember your post from a couple of years ago. Did you ever get the whole truth about her cheating/threesome? Could she be cheating again?

I feel confident that I got the whole truth back then. Our life routine has changed a lot since that event and we are basically all the time together and/or with kids around. I am not a control freak, but there is simply no way of having any other man in the existing situation. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, simps0n said:

I think starting/switching a job might definitely be a stressful event in ones life. 

Yes getting laid off is stressful, which is why you should be doing everything you can to get any job you can with three children to feed, no? 

[Lotsgoingon]

Man, this marriage seems like a mess and like it has been a mess for quite some time.

Any chance you two just made a horrible mistake getting married? I keep looking for little signs of closeness or nurturing or health, and I'm not finding much here.

Was marrying this woman a mistake? I mean, we can sometimes recover from mistakes--so you can admit that and keep going. But reading your posts is like pulling a thread that undoes another thread and another and another ... there is no rock-bottom point of solidity between you and your wife to build on. 

Or, did things just really worsen when she got depressed? Were there no signs of depression before marriage?

BTW: her being snarky about you and the job--uh ... that's a one off. You need more examples to help us understand your situation. 

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, TobyBoy said:

Sorry you’re back again, I remember your post from a couple of years ago. Did you ever get the whole truth about her cheating/threesome? Could she be cheating again?

Oh so she's already cheated on him?

OP, part of this is on you, in that you've allowed her to mistreat you this way. If the cheating happened, then that should've been it. 

What is it about this marriage that is worth saving?  You have some good days now and then?

People say that they stay for the kids, but what are you really teaching the kids?  They are absorbing everything they see and this is what they will normalize in their own lives.

If you continue this, both of you have to be pulling together and the relationship has to be based on mutual respect.  If she cannot uphold her end of the bargain, then you have to move on as tough as that sounds.  If you stay without making it clear that her behavior has to change, then it will just continue.

Edited November 24, 2021 by dramafreezone

[simps0n]

On 11/24/2021 at 8:17 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Was marrying this woman a mistake?

Believe it or not, the beginning of our relationship was quite a fairy tale. The way we met, fell in love, engaged, got married... it was all perfect. If I say that marrying this woman was a mistake, I should say that marriage in general is a mistake, which is not something I would ever claim. My parents and all of my grandparents are/were happily married for many years, so I tend to believe in marriage. Generally speaking at this particular point it is quite difficult for me to determine if it is a mistake or not. Considering memories, feelings and our wonderful kids, I would say no. But if I add the disrespect, devaluation, infidelity... its not an easy answer. That's why I am here.

 

On 11/24/2021 at 8:17 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Or, did things just really worsen when she got depressed? Were there no signs of depression before marriage?

Looking back, I think the first indications for the depression were just after we married. She was quite unhappy with her job, but we were already planning a kid, so I thought that the maternity will give her a new direction and meaning in life. What actually happened is that after giving birth she developed the depression (not just postpartum, but a more severe one). This escalated within months and with a newborn baby at home I had to take care not only of the little one, but also for my indisposed wife.  I somewhat had to take many motherly responsibilities (related to the child), while due to her condition my partner turned into something similar to another child. Don't get me wrong, I was quite supportive and caring, however in this condition I just felt like I had a teenager at home. As our roles in the family messed quite a lot, this was definitely the turning point in our relationship. The depression started fading, but then came the drinking period that I mentioned and the *incident* with another man. Definitely all of this heavily affected our relationship and I don't really need a therapist to confirm it.

Now, few years later, we have managed to leave a lot of the above behind, but my main concern is how and why she lost her respect to me. I have given it a lot of thought and my reading  of the story is the main reason is that married life has just not met her expectations. More importantly, I have not met her expectations as a husband and man. Simple as that. So maybe you are right. I just have to admit it and move on.

[Els]

19 hours ago, simps0n said:

The relationship with my wife entered its decline just after her first pregnancy

[...]

Looking back, I think the first indications for the depression were just after we married. She was quite unhappy with her job, but we were already planning a kid, so I thought that the maternity will give her a new direction and meaning in life. What actually happened is that after giving birth she developed the depression (not just postpartum, but a more severe one).

Postpartum depression can turn into more severe, chronic depression in some situations, especially if the person isn't getting professional help for it. Sorry if I missed it, but IS your wife getting professional help for her depression now, from a psychologist? It sounds to me like she is still depressed, she is just hiding it better.

You say your oldest child is 5 yo, how old is the youngest? Whose decision was it to carry on having two more pregnancies in such a short span of time, when so much strife occurred after the first, and there were so many unresolved issues with her depression and drinking?

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More importantly, I have not met her expectations as a husband and man.

I really don't think it's about you. I think she is likely clinically depressed, and also unhappy with her life for various reasons.

Have both of you considered MC?