My GF is friends with her ex-crush

[mermermer2]

Hello,

My girlfriend of several years has a male childhood friend from a family she is very close with (calls his mom "Mom"). I'm not bothered by this fact.

Her and I share similar values and generally avoid having close, intimate friendships with the opposite sex but neither of us has any problem with acquaintances, work friends and other life things. More-so just avoid things like 1-on-1 dinners or get too personal / intimate with people of the opposite sex. She's not very close with this guy now on a personal level but sees him at family events and for some of their group activities. I felt okay with it.

When we first started dating, she invited me to a family event and I met him there. He's a cool guy and someone I could see myself hanging out with, and we hit it off. But I quickly noticed strange and awkward behaviors. Some time later, I asked her if there was anything I should know / if they had a history together and she told me that years ago, he asked her out a few times and she rejected him because he wasn't her type.

This bothered me a little bit but I was willing to accept it and move on. I only saw him once or twice a year at most and it was overall okay for me. She doesn't stay in contact with him on a regular basis, either.

A few years later (now), I randomly had a dream about that night. I brought it up again and asked her a few questions that I had not thought to ask back then. I learned here that he asked her out repeatedly over many years. That he flirted with her every time he saw her, called her "Hot" and such, and that she liked it and reciprocated the flirting. She said she liked the attention. She also said that she thought about whether they could be together and went on a date with him. 

This made things more complicated for me. I felt misled. I feel I should have been told the truth when I first asked about it years ago. Initially, she made him out to be completely undesirable and now I'm learning that it was more than that.

A day later, I asked some more questions. I felt like she was misleading me again just to protect my feelings. I asked her if she had a crush on him and she said yes. Another detail I sense she avoided putting into words to make this as easy for me to hear as possible.

Considering this behavior, I don't know how to trust what she says to me about it. I don't know anymore if she's withholding information just to spare my feelings, or because she feels I might not be able to stay with her if the full truth is much more significant. 

I would never ask her to stop being friends with him or his family. They are a big part of her life and have been for a very long time. But now I'm conflicted and I don't know what to believe, if I can trust her (despite her "good" intentions) or if I can find it in me to go to these events once or twice a year and put on a fake smile around his family knowing fully that he spent many years pursuing her and that she felt something back towards him.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I being unnecessarily jealous? I know there's probably no right answer but I don't know how to navigate this situation. She's a very kind and loving person and I don't suspect that she would cheat on me. I just know I'd feel wrong to accept this and to put up with it because I was never given the option to accept it and put up with it. I'm just now finding out and I have to deal with him and let him into my life. 

She reassures me that she doesn't feel anything towards him, and that there's a good reason they never ended up together. That he really isn't her type. That we can find ways to compromise and navigate this together. She's hurting for making me feel this way at all. And I appreciate all of it — I just don't know what's true anymore.

I recognize that there are things about him she liked enough to give him a chance. I know it wouldn't have been the same if it was someone she was not interested in. I know these things about him that she liked, she probably still likes. I personally would not be comfortable bringing her to a family dinner if I knew there was a girl there who I had this history with. And I don't expect my girlfriend to think and be exactly like me, but it seems to break the kinds of agreements we've made before mutually.

Edited November 23, 2021 by neuralvines

[Wiseman2]

If he's a family friend, you need to get unwarranted jealousy out of your way.

Possessiveness is unattractive at the least and controlling. Don't undermine things with unnessary insecurities.

Get a handle on your self respect and confidence. She is dating you. Embrace that.

[glows]

3 hours ago, neuralvines said:

She reassures me that she doesn't feel anything towards him, and that there's a good reason they never ended up together. That he really isn't her type. That we can find ways to compromise and navigate this together. She's hurting for making me feel this way at all. And I appreciate all of it — I just don't know what's true anymore.

So focus on those ways together that you can compromise and navigate this. I hope those are not words that she's pulling out of her bum just to placate you. Tangible or pragmatic means of going about this would likely help you feel a lot better. Compromising on this might mean letting go of that friendship with this male friend, knowing that he has feelings for her or has had feelings for her for many years. It may also mean distancing herself and creating better boundaries when it comes to interacting with his family. Why does she call his mother "mom"? Where is her own mother?

Hanging on to him and you is not an option. You may not force her to make that choice but you have a choice in whom you want to date or spend your time with. Life is too short to live wrought in strife and pain and resentment. Find out what ways she's willing to compromise and tell her how you feel.

[Timshel]

Trust yourself. Dating is figuring out if this is ok for the rest of your life, perhaps with children. Don't be afraid to have a line in the sand.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, neuralvines said:

   I would never ask her to stop being friends with him or his family. 

First of all "ex-crush" is not a relationship, it's not even a word or a thing.. Even this wording, along with phrases like "a history" is hyperbole.

You are in fact demanding that she not be friends with him or his family. Worse, your trying to control who her family is friends with.

Stay in focus here. Stay in your own lane. Yes, your making way too much of this. 

There must be something else going on that's bothering you. But you are picking this non-issue to harp on. Decide what the real issues are and address that.

[flitzanu]

whether or not they had playful flirting in the past, and never "dated" just means they probably have a close friendship and know each other really well.

if she was going to have sex with him, she had plenty of opportunities in the past, so there's no reason that suddenly she would run to him to cheat on you.

[ShyViolet]

If this stuff had all happened recently, then ok I can see how this could be an issue.  But if this stuff all happened YEARS go and it's in the past now, then I think you are being ridiculous and you need to let it go.  It sounds like there's definitely nothing going on between them now, that they've grown up and moved on with their lives and are just friends now.  If you trust her and you know that's a fact, then all this insecurity and jealousy is only going to ruin this relationship.  Do you really want to ruin this relationship over this?  Or are you able to be a mature adult, trust your GF and stop obsessing over this?