Liking two people at the same time

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Yes and I stopped seeing them both.  It was too much stress on my mind.  I just started over.

What was the outcome, if you don't mind me asking?

Are you in a relationship with the new person?

[Alpacalia]

32 minutes ago, Otter2569 said:

LOL and the winner is "the dead fish!" Said no one...EVER! 😂  

Dead fish goes both ways.

It's called snorgasm.

[Otter2569]

24 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Woman (B) was a bit chunky, brunette, not as intelligent & "a little rough around the edges" but in the bedroom she was a very active participant.  She made sex a lot more fun, so I picked Woman (B).  Overall, I was happier with Woman (B).

 

Lame sex is a deal breaker.  Especially early in a relationship.  There's usually some warning signs but sometimes you don't know until you cross that line.   

[Alpacalia]

40 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Never! Haha 😂 sorry/not sorry 

The way I see it is you have 2 tickets. And you’re just about to throw them both away even tho they could be of value because you don’t want to have to make a choice!
And it’s perfectly okay to make a choice by the way, just because you’re potentially dating 2 at the start it doesn’t mean you’re going to have some sort of polycule.  Go with the flow and choice will be made clear after a little time , go with whichever one you think about more (providing they’re both equally as interested in you) 

Okay, I shall take your advice to heart!

[Weezy1973]

There might not be a wrong choice. So it just come down to your core values, what you’re looking for in a relationship etc. Does one mesh better with those things? 
 

This happened to me very briefly when I was online dating. I met one woman that I thought had a lot of potential and shortly after went out on a date with another woman that I thought also had a lot of potential. About equally attracted to both. But after the second date so the each of them, the first woman clearly was more compatible. And now we’re married!

 

How long have you known them? 

Edited November 23, 2021 by Weezy1973

[GuitarGuy7]

Nah that's hot people problems. 

I'm lucky to even get 1 date; dating multiple people seems like an impossibility. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I think you gotta decide. If you cannot decide, I'm thinking you're not thinking in the right way. I have no doubt that these women shine similar qualities. But step back and imagine the future 3 months out, 1 year out, 5 years out, 10 years out---with each one. 

Time to turn on the critical brain. I wonder if you are simply infatuated with two people, which means your brain has gone fully dead on two people. You have to reactivate your brain, start imagining flaws based on what you see. You actually know more about them than you think you do, but it's in your intuition. Your critical mind can also suss this out. 

You also need to be ruthlessly honest about who you are, your strengths and weaknesses. Nail those down and then imagine what it would like for your weakness with woman 1 in a year, in ten years ... and with woman 2 in a year, in ten years.

We often get extra energy and optimism when we're dating. We think of possibilities and change and all of that. The truth is few of us change. And though we might have extra energy at the start of dating, within a year, we will go back to our normal energy level and our typical personality. 

[Cersei]

I had this happen to me. I just started seeing guy A but had not really become official. Guy B asked me out for coffee. It caught me off guard and I forgot I was kind of seeing someone and agreed. I met up with guy B and was quite attracted to him. So I stopped seeing guy A to get to know guy B better. Well that was stupid. Guy B was not ready to date at all and had tonnes of baggage. So I ended up with neither!   But it ended up ok in the end. I later found out a lot of bad things (criminal) about guy A. 

So I say don't choose one until you one hundred percent need to!

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, glows said:

I've felt affection/attraction for more than one person, never in love with more than one person. Are you meaning a crush or dating? 

Any relationship takes active pursuit, work and dedication if it's to last in any way. Unfortunately I only have time for one man at a time. 

Thank you, Glows.

I'd say it's more of an attraction toward both.

I'm hoping that as time goes on individually, it will make a difference and things will become clearer to me.

Yes, I am pretty much the way you described (or at least I have in the past) so I dislike having feelings for more than one person at the same time.

I was never into the concept of "multi-dating," which many people praise, but I don't think I'm cut out for it.

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

There might not be a wrong choice. So it just come down to your core values, what you’re looking for in a relationship etc. Does one mesh better with those things? 
 

This happened to me very briefly when I was online dating. I met one woman that I thought had a lot of potential and shortly after went out on a date with another woman that I thought also had a lot of potential. About equally attracted to both. But after the second date so the each of them, the first woman clearly was more compatible. And now we’re married!

 

How long have you known them? 

Thank you for sharing your story, Weezy.

One I've known for a few years (we dated a few months but I called it off at the time), and the other for a few months.

This has given me lots to think about and I'm hoping as I explore my feelings a bit more it will all work itself out.

[princessaurora]

I was never big on multidating. I liked to focus on one guy at a time, so if I was already seeing someone, I'd wait till I was done with one before I started up with another.

But eventually I did find myself in a sticky situation. I was dating a guy when I met another guy who I felt a very strong attraction to on every level. I was also still hung up on my ex who coincidentally tried to reenter my life when I was already juggling my feelings for two other men. I continued to stay with the guy I was in a relationship with  but decided to be "friends" with the other guy. (Heh, who was I kidding?) My current boyfriend was a powerhouse in bed,  but personality wise, he just didn't do it for me. But we were of the same background and had similar values, so I tried to give it a  little more time and see if I would lose the butterflies for my new friend. That never happened.  I fell head over heels for him and broke up with my bf 4 weeks later. I also kicked the ex out of my life permanently because I knew he would never change and I didn't love him anymore. I did take a big gamble in the physical department because me and new guy never did anything but kiss while I was still with my current bf, but the chemistry was so strong , I was confident he'd be an ace in that department too, and he totally was. When you add emotion on to amazing sex, you're going  to places you never have before. 😏  I married that guy over 20 years ago. 

Like others have said, as you get to know each of them more, you will gravitate more towards one of them and then the choice will be obvious. Or if they both turn out to be duds, you'll wipe the slate clean and start anew. The guilt can be a bit much though. That's why it took me a month to break up with the first guy. He hadn't done anything wrong so I felt so awful for ending it, but the heart wants what it wants and he didn't deserve to be strung along. Just listen to your heart and go with the vibe and energy. It will take you exactly where you're mean to be. 🙂

[Girl Fade Away]

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

One I've known for a few years (we dated a few months but I called it off at the time), and the other for a few months.

Ahhh now we are getting somewhere!  😉   Alpaca, I am curious about the guy you called it off with.   What happened to reignite your feelings, if you do not mind sharing?  Does he feel the same? 

I don't typically advise getting back with an ex but sometimes things are left "unfinished" and so feelings never really left.  If you never have a chance to finish or complete, those feelings will always be there on some level. And thusly you are left with that 'what if' you mentioned earlier. 

In any case, good luck whatever path you choose. 

Edited November 24, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[glows]

7 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Thank you, Glows.

I'd say it's more of an attraction toward both.

I'm hoping that as time goes on individually, it will make a difference and things will become clearer to me.

Yes, I am pretty much the way you described (or at least I have in the past) so I dislike having feelings for more than one person at the same time.

I was never into the concept of "multi-dating," which many people praise, but I don't think I'm cut out for it.

Thank you for sharing your story, Weezy.

One I've known for a few years (we dated a few months but I called it off at the time), and the other for a few months.

This has given me lots to think about and I'm hoping as I explore my feelings a bit more it will all work itself out.

You seem uncomfortable? Nothing wrong with seeing more than one person. I was a bit more open when I was younger but apply a no-nonsense approach now and qualities in a partner that are attractive have become a lot clearer to me. There's a possibility neither of these individuals you're seeing are a match for you either as neither harbour or have all the characteristics you're looking for in a monogamous relationship. 

I believe multi-dating is a suggestion to help individuals not become too emotionally invested too quickly in just one person at the start. I'm sort of neutral towards it but don't think it's a need or an approach that everyone has to adopt. It may work for some, not for others. If it's not necessary for you to multi-date, no need to do it. And if you do happen to do it, there's nothing wrong with that either as long as there are no misunderstandings with the people you're seeing. In some cultures it's understood that when you are seeing someone romantically, there is no one else. It would be strange and awkward to have any conversation about exclusivity. It's already implied once a couple starts spending time together or going on dates.

Anyway I'm sure this will become clearer and will work itself out. Good questions.

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, glows said:

You seem uncomfortable? Nothing wrong with seeing more than one person. I was a bit more open when I was younger but apply a no-nonsense approach now and qualities in a partner that are attractive have become a lot clearer to me. There's a possibility neither of these individuals you're seeing are a match for you either as neither harbour or have all the characteristics you're looking for in a monogamous relationship. 

I believe multi-dating is a suggestion to help individuals not become too emotionally invested too quickly in just one person at the start. I'm sort of neutral towards it but don't think it's a need or an approach that everyone has to adopt. It may work for some, not for others. If it's not necessary for you to multi-date, no need to do it. And if you do happen to do it, there's nothing wrong with that either as long as there are no misunderstandings with the people you're seeing. In some cultures it's understood that when you are seeing someone romantically, there is no one else. It would be strange and awkward to have any conversation about exclusivity. It's already implied once a couple starts spending time together or going on dates.

Anyway I'm sure this will become clearer and will work itself out. Good questions.

 

 

 

Thanks Glows.

That's what I'm hoping!

🤞 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Ahhh now we are getting somewhere!  😉   Alpaca, I am curious about the guy you called it off with.   What happened to reignite your feelings, if you do not mind sharing?  Does he feel the same? 

I don't typically advise getting back with an ex but sometimes things are left "unfinished" and so feelings never really left.  If you never have a chance to finish or complete, those feelings will always be there on some level. And thusly you are left with that 'what if' you mentioned earlier. 

In any case, good luck whatever path you choose. 

We aren't "ex's".

Just someone I dated for a few months.

I'm still vulnerable about it so prefer right now not to get into the nuts and bolts.

[Girl Fade Away]

10 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

We aren't "ex's".

Just someone I dated for a few months.

I'm still vulnerable about it so prefer right now not to get into the nuts and bolts.

Well "ex" is a very broad term, it can refer to people we have only dated a few times to a long term RL.  But fair enough if you are not comfortable talking about it.  I thought that might be the case which is why I asked if you did not mind sharing.  You don't and I respect that.

I hope you are able to work it out. 

[Uruktopi]

5 hours ago, glows said:

. In some cultures it's understood that when you are seeing someone romantically, there is no one else. It would be strange and awkward to have any conversation about exclusivity. It's already implied once a couple starts spending time together or going on dates.

That´s the case in my country.

Perhaps is becoming a bit different for the new generations but still the cutural assumption for the ones over 30.

 

[glows]

20 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

That´s the case in my country.

Perhaps is becoming a bit different for the new generations but still the cutural assumption for the ones over 30.

 

This is what I'm familiar with also. 

[Uruktopi]

45 minutes ago, glows said:

This is what I'm familiar with also. 

“And this our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything. I would not change it.”

 William Shakespeare, As You Like It

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

“And this our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything. I would not change it.”

 William Shakespeare, As You Like It

I like this.

It's endearing as opposed to whose better in bed.

17 hours ago, princessaurora said:

I was never big on multidating. I liked to focus on one guy at a time, so if I was already seeing someone, I'd wait till I was done with one before I started up with another.

But eventually I did find myself in a sticky situation. I was dating a guy when I met another guy who I felt a very strong attraction to on every level. I was also still hung up on my ex who coincidentally tried to reenter my life when I was already juggling my feelings for two other men. I continued to stay with the guy I was in a relationship with  but decided to be "friends" with the other guy. (Heh, who was I kidding?) My current boyfriend was a powerhouse in bed,  but personality wise, he just didn't do it for me. But we were of the same background and had similar values, so I tried to give it a  little more time and see if I would lose the butterflies for my new friend. That never happened.  I fell head over heels for him and broke up with my bf 4 weeks later. I also kicked the ex out of my life permanently because I knew he would never change and I didn't love him anymore. I did take a big gamble in the physical department because me and new guy never did anything but kiss while I was still with my current bf, but the chemistry was so strong , I was confident he'd be an ace in that department too, and he totally was. When you add emotion on to amazing sex, you're going  to places you never have before. 😏  I married that guy over 20 years ago. 

Like others have said, as you get to know each of them more, you will gravitate more towards one of them and then the choice will be obvious. Or if they both turn out to be duds, you'll wipe the slate clean and start anew. The guilt can be a bit much though. That's why it took me a month to break up with the first guy. He hadn't done anything wrong so I felt so awful for ending it, but the heart wants what it wants and he didn't deserve to be strung along. Just listen to your heart and go with the vibe and energy. It will take you exactly where you're mean to be. 🙂

Just circling back to this and totally agree with the bolded.

That's the winning combination (at least speaking for myself).

 

Edited November 25, 2021 by Alpaca

[Uruktopi]

4 hours ago, Alpaca said:

It's endearing as opposed to whose better in bed.

Is really passionate sex the opposite of endearing  within a couple in love?

 I know it´s not.

But having them necessarily together was once my personal experience and that given, my "bias".

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

Is really passionate sex the opposite of endearing  within a couple in love?

 I know it´s not.

But having them necessarily together was once my personal experience and that given, my "bias".

It’s a mixture of things.

Body, emotions, chemistry... Everything erupts at once.

I'm entirely in tune with my own body and attuned to his, and he's completely in tune with his own body and attuned to mine. I think that requires a level of sex being in rhythm with the other parts of yourself (not just your private parts).

When you're in love it's like adding extra jet fuel to a tank that's already full.

[Uruktopi]

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

It’s a mixture of things.

Body, emotions, chemistry... Everything erupts at once.

I'm entirely in tune with my own body and attuned to his, and he's completely in tune with his own body and attuned to mine. I think that requires a level of sex being in rhythm with the other parts of yourself (not just your private parts).

When you're in love it's like adding extra jet fuel to a tank that's already full.

How to say it?

I undestand your perspective and sympathize with the way you word it.

I reach a view that is simmilar to yours.......as emotional result.

I got there from another place and path, even so.

[Alpacalia]

On 11/23/2021 at 3:20 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

I think you gotta decide. If you cannot decide, I'm thinking you're not thinking in the right way. I have no doubt that these women shine similar qualities. But step back and imagine the future 3 months out, 1 year out, 5 years out, 10 years out---with each one. 

Time to turn on the critical brain. I wonder if you are simply infatuated with two people, which means your brain has gone fully dead on two people. You have to reactivate your brain, start imagining flaws based on what you see. You actually know more about them than you think you do, but it's in your intuition. Your critical mind can also suss this out. 

You also need to be ruthlessly honest about who you are, your strengths and weaknesses. Nail those down and then imagine what it would like for your weakness with woman 1 in a year, in ten years ... and with woman 2 in a year, in ten years.

We often get extra energy and optimism when we're dating. We think of possibilities and change and all of that. The truth is few of us change. And though we might have extra energy at the start of dating, within a year, we will go back to our normal energy level and our typical personality. 

Thanks for this Lotsgoingon.

Just to clarify, I am a female.

Is it the Alpaca or just my writing (lol).

I've been thinking about why it didn't work with the first guy back when we were dating is because I felt he had some unresolved trust issues that were interfering with the natural progression of our relationship which in turn caused me to become insecure. Or maybe I was already a bit insecure and our dynamic just intensified that. But you raise an interesting point about that few of us change. But then again, Neuroplasticity exists in the brain, so, not sure.

Edited November 26, 2021 by Alpaca

[glows]

I'd like to think that someone in tune with a person well-loved and cared for would try their best to communicate, at least where there are trust issues or difficulties with trusting. In other words, your partner or the person you were dating awhile ago would have made that effort to try to communicate his limits and work around that. Was that ever the case or were you in the dark about certain things or often a lot of the time?

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh I believe people can change for sure. Yes, I believe in and celebrate the possibility of neuroplasticity--for sure.

But change requires SERIOUS and sustained and precise work and lots of encouragement and focus. So you don't want to bet on change in a relationship, and most change occurs very very slowly over time. So the rule still applies: don't assume you or the other person will change. 

Predicting change is like predicting anything. If the person has recently changed a lot, then yes, you might assume they will continue to change. 

I would say blaming a relationship problem on your insecurity is not helpful. A good relationship calms your insecurity. We all need different kinds of reassure and connection to feel safe and secure. To say your insecurities got in the way is sorta like saying different values got in the way. Your insecurities are part of you. And there will be people who will minimize your insecurities and others who trigger them. 

Having insecurities does not mean that if we diminish the insecurities, a relationship will work out or that we are a good fit. We often blame insecurities because we need some kind of quick surface-obvious explanation. There's tons of conflict in relationships, tons of strife and heartache and pain among people who aren't particularly insecure. 

The most insecure person I know was actually quite right to feel neglected in a relationship, it turned out. She was insecure and she was being neglected. 

Having said all of that, yes, I can see why insecurity would make you indecisive. 

Edited November 26, 2021 by Lotsgoingon