Am I Out of Line Here?

[RetroR]

Question.  I've been dating someone for a few weeks now... things moved rather fast for us and he told me he can see a future with us and how I am "very refreshing"  We've also talked about how we both want kids, text all the time, etc.  There's definitely a connection there, or I think there is anyway.  We met online and I kinda asked him if we were exclusive and what he thought.  He said he didn't want to announce anything until we met families and friends, etc.   I saw he is still there though through a friend who is also on there.   He also said he removed himself from his dating profile by no longer receiving notifications... I'm not sure what that means.  Basically, he still has the profile but isn't active?  My mind has been a crap storm with all this and I don't want to ask him anymore.  He's told me there's no one else and he doesn't want to be with anyone else since I seem to be able to want everything he does in life.  Why is this bothering me so bad?  Should I just lay it to rest?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, RetroR said:

 I kinda asked him if we were exclusive and what he thought.  He said he didn't want to announce anything until we met families and friends, etc. 

Ok slow way down. If he doesn't want to be exclusive then you can both still talk to and meet others. If he his stalling and playing you, drop him.

[RetroR]

He tells me there's no one else and I kind of feel like now would be his chance to say "yeah, i'm talking to and dating others" since it's still pretty early on.  I guess I'm just concerned because he tells me one thing but still has his dating profile up and i'm not sure what his explanation even means but I prob just need to take him at face value.

[FMW]

Being exclusive just means you aren't seeing others, and giving yourselves the opportunity to explore things without others being a distraction.  It's not a big commitment, doesn't require any announcements to others. 

I'm not clear if you're saying (1) he won't agree to dating exclusively or (2) he's just not agreeing to telling others you are an official couple yet.

If you're having sex I would have a problem with 1. I would not have a problem with 2 because it's only been a few weeks.

[RetroR]

He's kind of said both... I totally don't have a problem with not announcing anything or giving "titles" until we meet families, friends, etc.  I get that.  Im just concerned about the first part.  I would like to think we are exclusive since we speak like we are, but I don't want to ask him again since I questioned his dating profile.  I think I'm seeing him this weekend, and am wondering how to bring it up without sounding crazy, you know?

[glows]

1 hour ago, RetroR said:

Question.  I've been dating someone for a few weeks now... things moved rather fast for us and he told me he can see a future with us and how I am "very refreshing"  We've also talked about how we both want kids, text all the time, etc.  There's definitely a connection there, or I think there is anyway.  We met online and I kinda asked him if we were exclusive and what he thought.  He said he didn't want to announce anything until we met families and friends, etc.   I saw he is still there though through a friend who is also on there.   He also said he removed himself from his dating profile by no longer receiving notifications... I'm not sure what that means.  Basically, he still has the profile but isn't active?  My mind has been a crap storm with all this and I don't want to ask him anymore.  He's told me there's no one else and he doesn't want to be with anyone else since I seem to be able to want everything he does in life.  Why is this bothering me so bad?  Should I just lay it to rest?

He answered your question. There is no one else and he doesn't want to be with anyone else. 

I think what happened was poor communication overall. You asked one thing and he thought it was something else about "announcing". Possibly this caused some tension or stress for him in the past with another partner. The thing to focus on is that there's no one else. 

If you want to clarify, talk to him this weekend and mention being exclusive and on the same page and respond to his comment about announcing. You need to communicate more clearly than he does because he doesn't seem good at listening.

[RetroR]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

He answered your question. There is no one else and he doesn't want to be with anyone else. 

I think what happened was poor communication overall. You asked one thing and he thought it was something else about "announcing". Possibly this caused some tension or stress for him in the past with another partner. The thing to focus on is that there's no one else. 

If you want to clarify, talk to him this weekend and mention being exclusive and on the same page and respond to his comment about announcing. You need to communicate more clearly than he does because he doesn't seem good at listening.

thank you!  This really helped put it in perspective.  I know he's been super stressed at work and I don't want to be a burden to him by smothering with questions.  I will definitely somehow bring it up this weekend to clarify so we are on the same page, for better or worse.  Also, I guess I'm concerned that he has his dating profile up still even though he says he isn't using it.  

[glows]

3 minutes ago, RetroR said:

thank you!  This really helped put it in perspective.  I know he's been super stressed at work and I don't want to be a burden to him by smothering with questions.  I will definitely somehow bring it up this weekend to clarify so we are on the same page, for better or worse.  Also, I guess I'm concerned that he has his dating profile up still even though he says he isn't using it.  

He shouldn't be too busy to deal with your questions, ever. That's what a relationship is about. You deal with things together and as they come up as a team. I have a feeling you both are on the same page but not affirming each others' desires/needs properly. He sounds interested in what he has with you and committed for the most part. Mention that you've deleted your profile as there is no one else for you either and see what he says. 

Generally, most people will take the hint and recognize that the person they're dating is invested emotionally and sees things as exclusive. If you don't sense that this is working out in the coming weeks or he's picking up what you're putting down, for instance, let him go. I think it's still miscommunication here at the moment and I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt from what you described.

[RetroR]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

He shouldn't be too busy to deal with your questions, ever. That's what a relationship is about. You deal with things together and as they come up as a team. I have a feeling you both are on the same page but not affirming each others' desires/needs properly. He sounds interested in what he has with you and committed for the most part. Mention that you've deleted your profile as there is no one else for you either and see what he says. 

Generally, most people will take the hint and recognize that the person they're dating is invested emotionally and sees things as exclusive. If you don't sense that this is working out in the coming weeks or he's picking up what you're putting down, for instance, let him go. I think it's still miscommunication here at the moment and I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt from what you described.

I think you're on to something.  So, I agree mostly.  Everything he has said points to exclusivity...he even said he told his mom all about me and was so excited. haha I thought that was cute.  I think I jump the gun and get so anxious because my past luck hasn't been amazing but this feels different.

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, RetroR said:

I know he's been super stressed at work and I don't want to be a burden to him by smothering with questions. I guess I'm concerned that he has his dating profile up still even though he says he isn't using it.  

If you are intimate and/or investing your time/energy in him it's not stressing or smothering him to define yourself and what you want. Go in with no particular outcome.

Ask if he wants to see/date you and only you. He used double talk to circumvent the question. That and the dating profile being up are a couple of red flags to observe.

It's not your job to "not be a burden", it's your job to protect your heart and soul by getting the straight answers you need to make a decision regarding what to invest in or if to walk away.

Edited November 23, 2021 by Wiseman2

[dramafreezone]

You probably need to pump the brakes on things because it looks like you're getting attached too soon.  It's only been a few weeks, relax, have fun.

[stillafool]

Just ask him "are we exclusive yet" and when he says "yes, why?" say because you still have your dating profile up.  (Wait for his answer)/  

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, RetroR said:

Question.  I've been dating someone for a few weeks now... things moved rather fast for us and he told me he can see a future with us and how I am "very refreshing"  We've also talked about how we both want kids, text all the time, etc.  There's definitely a connection there, or I think there is anyway.  We met online and I kinda asked him if we were exclusive and what he thought.  He said he didn't want to announce anything until we met families and friends, etc.   I saw he is still there though through a friend who is also on there.   He also said he removed himself from his dating profile by no longer receiving notifications... I'm not sure what that means.  Basically, he still has the profile but isn't active?  My mind has been a crap storm with all this and I don't want to ask him anymore.  He's told me there's no one else and he doesn't want to be with anyone else since I seem to be able to want everything he does in life.  Why is this bothering me so bad?  Should I just lay it to rest?

You’re already in! You are worrying far too much! 

I think you should take him at his word. He has told you there is no one else he’s interested in, he isn’t active and I think it’s perfectly okay for his profile to stay up but for him not to use it until you both are a little more established. A player wouldn’t say or act the way he does if he was playing you.  It’s kind of the next step - deleting tinder. It usually comes with a Facebook status. 
Just keep dating and I’m sure that time will come. 

Do you exchange good morning or goodnight messages or calls? That would be the most telling part for me personally and the content of those messages , endearing terms etc. 
Focus on the good things and don’t let your emotions get the better of you. If you really need to then ask him calmly and openly when you next see each other or just call him and tell him your concerns. Never be afraid to ask your partner anything. It’s amazing what honest open communication can achieve.  

Edited November 23, 2021 by Fox Sake

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, RetroR said:

 I've been dating someone for a few weeks now... things moved rather fast for us and he told me he can see a future with us and how I am "very refreshing"  We've also talked about how we both want kids, text all the time, etc. 

(...)

I saw he is still there though through a friend who is also on there.   He also said he removed himself from his dating profile by no longer receiving notifications... I'm not sure what that means.  Basically, he still has the profile but isn't active? 

(...)

Why is this bothering me so bad?  Should I just lay it to rest?

It's bothering you because it should bother you. Things have moved fast, so fast that you're ready to be exclusive. But he hasn't even taken down his profile.

You have this wonderful thing called an internal alarm that's telling you something is wrong. Please listen to it.

A few weeks is not enough time for two people to get to know each other. The fact that you're not comfortable having a frank conversation with him is proof that you haven't built much of a foundation. So you two need to slow things way down and just take the time to get to know each other.

If this guy is truly wonderful and this relationship is everything you want, that will all still be true if you slow things down. If, on the other hand, it's a disastrous mistake, slowing things down will allow you to see any red flags in good time and to extricate yourself before too much harm is done.

Edited November 23, 2021 by Acacia98

[ShyViolet]

You asked him if he wanted to be exclusive, and his answer was basically "not yet."  You have been dating him just a few weeks.... I think it was too soon to even ask that.  You are getting ahead of yourself with all this.  If you're not even official or exclusive then why should he take down his dating profile?  You are going to scare him off by bringing things up too early.  Let the relationship progress.

[stillafool]

Why is it always the women who want to be exclusive ASAP?

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why is it always the women who want to be exclusive ASAP?

My comments relate to if the pair has gotten to the point of having sex.

If they are having sex, I could see multiple reasons why.  Anything from protecting their heart to protecting their sexual health.   Perhaps guys don't care so much about these things?

And of course, culture plays into it a lot.  Multi dating is quite an American thing whereas those of us with British ancestry find sleeping with multiple people a bit nasty.   Though it does seem to be changing as our cultures become more Americanised. 

 

[RetroR]

51 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

You’re already in! You are worrying far too much! 

I think you should take him at his word. He has told you there is no one else he’s interested in, he isn’t active and I think it’s perfectly okay for his profile to stay up but for him not to use it until you both are a little more established. A player wouldn’t say or act the way he does if he was playing you.  It’s kind of the next step - deleting tinder. It usually comes with a Facebook status. 
Just keep dating and I’m sure that time will come. 

Do you exchange good morning or goodnight messages or calls? That would be the most telling part for me personally and the content of those messages , endearing terms etc. 
Focus on the good things and don’t let your emotions get the better of you. If you really need to then ask him calmly and openly when you next see each other or just call him and tell him your concerns. Never be afraid to ask your partner anything. It’s amazing what honest open communication can achieve.  

I really appreciate what you shared.  Especially coming from a males perspective.  I feel like this early on, he has every reason to do what he wants, date what he wants, tell me what he wants... it's all wide open.  Yet, hes said what I posted above.  That he feels like theres something there.  He does text me good morning/goodnight and a few times during the day too which I think is a good sign.  I know I get attached pretty quickly, but only when I feel like it's okay to.  I think I then start getting nervous that we aren't on the same page.  Thanks again so much.

[Fox Sake]

5 minutes ago, RetroR said:

I really appreciate what you shared.  Especially coming from a males perspective.  I feel like this early on, he has every reason to do what he wants, date what he wants, tell me what he wants... it's all wide open.  Yet, hes said what I posted above.  That he feels like theres something there.  He does text me good morning/goodnight and a few times during the day too which I think is a good sign.  I know I get attached pretty quickly, but only when I feel like it's okay to.  I think I then start getting nervous that we aren't on the same page.  Thanks again so much.

I honestly think you’re all good  

The only thing you need to maybe think about focusing on is the what you DO have in this. He’s communicated to you how he feels. Look at all the good signs because you have all of them that I would go by at an early stage (I’m actually doing exactly this currently with someone similar) 

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

My comments relate to if the pair has gotten to the point of having sex.

If they are having sex, I could see multiple reasons why.  Anything from protecting their heart to protecting their sexual health.   Perhaps guys don't care so much about these things?

And of course, culture plays into it a lot.  Multi dating is quite an American thing whereas those of us with British ancestry find sleeping with multiple people a bit nasty.   Though it does seem to be changing as our cultures become more Americanised. 

 

Yeah, that's definitely a game changer.

[RetroR]

2 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I honestly think you’re all good  

The only thing you need to maybe think about focusing on is the what you DO have in this. He’s communicated to you how he feels. Look at all the good signs because you have all of them that I would go by at an early stage (I’m actually doing exactly this currently with someone similar) 

I appreciate this!  My worries and anxiety get the best of me for sure.  Best of luck with your situation too!  

[Fox Sake]

3 minutes ago, RetroR said:

I appreciate this!  My worries and anxiety get the best of me for sure.  Best of luck with your situation too!  

No worries and please don’t overanalyse anymore aspects this early on, cos that’s not mentally productive and it’ll drain you. Just be happy in the moment and if you feel you need reassurance then talk to him. Good luck ☺️

[Girl Fade Away]

20 minutes ago, RetroR said:

My worries and anxiety get the best of me for sure...

It is never a good idea to push for exclusivity based on worry and anxiety.  Moving into exclusivity should be something a couple does naturally when they are feeling positive and happy about their blossoming connection.  NOT because one or both feel anxious and insecure.  You have only been dating a short time, a few weeks.   Slow down, try to relax with it.  Find other outlets for your worry and anxiety.  You used the word "burden" earlier, I agree you do NOT want to burden a new partner with what amounts to your own worry and anxiety.  That is for YOU to deal with, not him.  

My advice is stop grilling him about exclusivity and his profile even though I understand it bothers you that he is still active.  It has only been a few weeks, he will deactivate it when he is ready and pushing him for answers or rather for reassurance is not going to compel him to want to deactivate or become exclusive with you.

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You asked him if he wanted to be exclusive, and his answer was basically "not yet."  You have been dating him just a few weeks.... I think it was too soon to even ask that.  You are getting ahead of yourself with all this.  If you're not even official or exclusive then why should he take down his dating profile?  You are going to scare him off by bringing things up too early.  Let the relationship progress.

I 100% agee with @ShyViolet.  RELAX.  Enjoy your blossoming connection for what it IS.  Stop pushing.

Edited November 23, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, RetroR said:

He also said he removed himself from his dating profile by no longer receiving notifications... I'm not sure what that means.  Basically, he still has the profile but isn't active? 

Sometimes it means nothing.

Years ago I was dating someone and only dating him exclusively, I still had an online dating profile up but never checked it.

It wasn't because I wanted to date others or anything like that. 

 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Multi dating is quite an American thing whereas those of us with British ancestry find sleeping with multiple people a bit nasty. 

I'm American and I think sleeping with multiple people is nasty.  

If someone wants to sleep around, ok, but the partners involved need to be clear on what they're dealing with.