Author RetroR Posted November 23, 2021 Author Share Posted November 23, 2021 This is 100% how I feel too! Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, RetroR said: I know he's been super stressed at work and I don't want to be a burden to him by smothering with questions. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Either you're a treat in his life and talking to you is a pleasure or you're not. If you're not, you shouldn't be dating him. I'm worried about "don't want to be a burden." That tells me you're afraid to ask for what you want. The only way a relationship can work is if it genuinely reflects the desires and lives of both people. You start things playing careful, and you'll be holding back later ... and find yourself deeply involved with someone who doesn't know you. There is something off here. You guys text everyday, for weeks now, and you're still not exclusive? Hmmmmmmm .... text less .... I'll go out on a wild limb here and say his statement that he can only go exclusive after you've met each other's families--that strikes me as bizarre. Nope. Red flag to me. What? Does he want mommy's permission and approval to date you? I mean, I get that for marriage, getting along with families is huge. But for dating exclusively, something ain't right here. My red flag alarm wonders if this guy is too tied in with his family or if he's super traditional. I mean, I never wanted to introduce a partner to my family until often months into the relationship. Introducing these folks to each other was not on my mind, really, whatsoever. I'm also going to pick on his words that he "can see a future" with you or with you two together. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm .... I don't know. Early on, you want people to say I REALLY like you, I find you amazing, interesting, fascinating. I love hanging with you. And you want them to have the energy and availability of someone who is thrilled to date you. "I see a future" is suspiciously vague to my ears. I know others won't see it this way, but I'm going back to the carefully worded lines I would throw out when I was in my 20s. I'd pick language like this with the twin goal of sounding serious to the ears of the other person while to my ears not committing to anything firm. Later in life, I dated a woman who ran this same game on me--got a taste of my own youthful medicine. And it was bitter. Told me how amazing I was and all of that. What she wasn't saying was that she was having an absolute blast hanging with me. And she wasn't acting like she was thrilled to be dating me. And that was a red flag that I did notice at the time, but when I brought it up with her, she talked her way out of it. Of course, I wanted her to talk her way out of it, so I wasn't listening all that objectively, and I got suckered. . She later dumped me, and admitted to all the doubts I had sensed she was having. So my response is: yes, it's right to be worried. And worried about him not removing his profile because there are other things (like the requirement to meet family before committing) that strike me as strange. And anything "strange" at this point of the relationship will be scary to you. I say heed that fear. Slow yourself down. Let me work harder to come to you. And get clear if this family-meeting thing is OK with you. It wouldn't be OK for me, and wouldn't have been in my 20s or 30s. Don't just go along with that like a robotic. That to me is EXTREMELY odd. And when someone shares such an odd view of things early, there's more odd and crazy and weird to come. Edited November 23, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 (edited) That’s a bit of a showstopper. With all due respect Lotsgoingon, Duuuuude…. Jeez give them some time to get to know each other before you pinpoint every last negative experience of your own onto a few paragraphs of someone else’s words. Behaviour might be odd to you but it isn’t to me, so maybe it’s an age or a cultural thing. She said she suffers anxiety right now. She’s excited about things and your busy telling her red flag this and red flag that. I feel like you’re pissing on her parade. Things don’t look bad at all , so I think your delivery was totally off. It just came across as angry. The only thing I have learned from your post is that we are very different people with very different views on life. You should be encouraging the OP not filling them with fear because there is zero reason for it. It’s way to early and she’s just got the early day anxiety while they find their feet. Sorry if this comes across as me being a di*k, it’s not my intention man. 12 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Either you're a treat in his life and talking to you is a pleasure or you're not. If you're not, you shouldn't be dating him. I'm worried about "don't want to be a burden." That tells me you're afraid to ask for what you want. The only way a relationship can work is if it genuinely reflects the desires and lives of both people. You start things playing careful, and you'll be holding back later ... and find yourself deeply involved with someone who doesn't know you. There is something off here. You guys text everyday, for weeks now, and you're still not exclusive? Hmmmmmmm .... text less .... I'll go out on a wild limb here and say his statement that he can only go exclusive after you've met each other's families. Nope. Red flag to me. What does he want mommy's permission and approval to date you? I mean, I get that for marriage, getting along with families is huge. But for dating exclusively. Something ain't right here. My red flag alarm wonders if this guy is too tied in with his family or if he's super traditional. I mean, I never wanted to introduce a partner to my family until often months into the relationship. Introducing these folks to each other was not on my mind, really, whatsoever. I'm also going to pick on his words that he "can see a future" with you or with you two together. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm .... I don't know. Early on, you want people to say I REALLY like you, I find you amazing, interesting, fascinating. I love hanging with you. And you want them to have the energy and availability of someone who is thrilled to date you. "I see a future" is suspiciously vague to my ears. I know others won't see it this way, but I'm going back to the carefully worded lines I would throw out when I was in my 20s. I'd pick language like this with the twin goal of sounding serious to the ears of the other person while to my ears not committing to anything firm. Later in life, I dated a woman who ran this same game on me--got a taste of my own youthful medicine. And it was bitter. Told me how amazing I was and all of that. What she wasn't saying was that she was having an absolute blast hanging with me. And she wasn't acting like she was thrilled to be dating me. And that was a red flag that I did notice at the time, but when I brought it up with her, she talked her way out of it. Of course, I wanted her to talk her way out of it, so I wasn't listening all that objectively, and I got suckered. . She later dumped me, and admitted to all the doubts I had sensed she was having. So my response is: yes, it's right to be worried. And worried about him not removing his profile because there are other things (like the requirement to meet family before committing) that strike me as strange. And anything "strange" at this point of the relationship will be scary to you. I say heed that fear. Slow yourself down. Let me work harder to come to you. And get clear if this family-meeting thing is OK with you. It wouldn't be OK for me, and wouldn't have been in my 20s or 30s. Don't just go along with that like a robotic. That to me is EXTREMELY odd. And when someone shares such an odd view of things early, there's more odd and crazy and weird to come. Edited November 23, 2021 by Fox Sake 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Girl Fade Away Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Fox Sake said: You should be encouraging the OP not filling them with fear because there is zero reason for it. It’s way to early and she’s just got the early day anxiety while they find their feet. 👍 👍 It has only been a few WEEKS. "Finding their feet" is exactly what needs to happen here. And YES all her questions which translates to her seeking reassurance at this VERY early stage DOES have the potential of turning a potentially great partner off. It has happened to me and I have seen it happen to others. It is a very real thing. Edited November 23, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 (edited) No offense taken Fox. You're right though: I think the OP SHOULD feel anxious in dating this guy. I think she has ample reason to feel anxious. And actually I'm of the view that you don't need to have a rational reason, that if you are anxious (different than eager nervous) that's often a red flag. I have to say. This is me and most of my friends, male and female. When there is anxiety early on, that NEVER turned out wells. Never. That's just my experience. If the two people couldn't easily reassure each other early on--in the honeymoon phase--so often they couldn't reassure themselves later on either. I don't think you want to push past anxiousness in dating. This guy could have easily picked up that the OP wanted some more reassurance. He came up with this meet-the-family-first nonsense. What is he? Three years old?! Is he going to get a permission slip from mommy and daddy before he commits? Edited November 23, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Girl Fade Away Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 (edited) @Lotsgoingon I actually do not believe she has ample reason to feel anxious. Unless she has not shared all the details with us. Things seem to be progressing nicely. He has told her he envisions a future with her, he finds her refreshing, he texts regularly, and is not seeing anyone else nor does he want to see anyone else, at least not right now. Why can't she be OKAY with that? Again it has only been three weeks. Okay so he has not deactivated his profile, he is not receiving notifications, I am not sure what else she is expecting after only a few weeks. An expression of his undying love and loyalty? There are people who are naturally anxious and when things don't match their own often unrealistic expectations, they begin to panic. That is when the questions start, seeking reassurance. Huge mistake at this early stage. It is best to try and relax, enjoy their blossoming connection and let things play out naturally. Edited November 23, 2021 by Girl Fade Away Link to post Share on other sites
Author RetroR Posted November 23, 2021 Author Share Posted November 23, 2021 I truly do appreciate the feedback, everyone! It all makes sense. Some back story about me... I am anxious person by nature.... I worry alot and have panic attacks. I'm on meds for it but it still presents itself, mainly in relationships. I know thats my own issue and try to not come off as crazy to anyone, especially right when we meet. I think his whole "I don't want to announce it until you meet my friends and family" thing has also been taken out of context. I know for me, I'm super close with my family and just feels better if you have them meet once before you go around saying "Hey, my boyfriend this" or "my boyfriend that." It all feels like a slippery slope. I know I read way into things when I shouldn't and as a couple of you suggested, should take him at face value. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 I think the whole meet the family thing is just a way to slow down the initial big bang so that things don’t move too quickly. If that happens, they lose their footing and destroy something potentially beautiful. Some people are big on family too. I know when I’ve dated a girl my family didn’t like it made things a lot more awkward. Not that i looked for their approval but it was nice when everyone got along. They both know they like each other more than they normally do, and at some point he has taken the initiative to wind things back from that speed just a little bit, so things don’t get burned out before they’ve been created. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 2 minutes ago, RetroR said: I truly do appreciate the feedback, everyone! It all makes sense. Some back story about me... I am anxious person by nature.... I worry alot and have panic attacks. I'm on meds for it but it still presents itself, mainly in relationships. I know thats my own issue and try to not come off as crazy to anyone, especially right when we meet. I think his whole "I don't want to announce it until you meet my friends and family" thing has also been taken out of context. I know for me, I'm super close with my family and just feels better if you have them meet once before you go around saying "Hey, my boyfriend this" or "my boyfriend that." It all feels like a slippery slope. I know I read way into things when I shouldn't and as a couple of you suggested, should take him at face value. Stay positive, be grateful for the opportunity you have , and love every second of it for the moments of happiness it brings you. Focus on the all good things and don’t forget to breathe ☺️ Go message the guy and just tell him you’ve had a long day and need a hug Link to post Share on other sites
Author RetroR Posted November 23, 2021 Author Share Posted November 23, 2021 Just now, Fox Sake said: Stay positive, be grateful for the opportunity you have , and love every second of it for the moments of happiness it brings you. Focus on the all good things and don’t forget to breathe ☺️ Go message the guy and just tell him you’ve had a long day and need a hug Thank you!! Appreciate your positivity. We were actually texting a bit ago. I sent him chocolate covered fruit to work because I thought it would be a nice gesture since work has been hectic for him. Instead, I got a text saying he really appreciates it, but don't do it again because his boss didn't like it and was upset because he was in the middle of an interview when it arrived. I feel super bad now and I apologized and told him that was the opposite effect of what I was trying to accomplish. He said it was ok, but he totally appreciated it and would text me later. So yes. My anxiety shot right back up after that one! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 Seems strange and cold to me. Now you're supposed to be omniscient and know when to text him? Hmmmmmm ..... Link to post Share on other sites
Girl Fade Away Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, RetroR said: I sent him chocolate covered fruit to work because I thought it would be a nice gesture since work has been hectic for him. I got a text saying he really appreciates it, but don't do it again because his boss didn't like it and was upset because he was in the middle of an interview when it arrived. Okay well that was kinda crappy AND unnecessary. And no clearly he did NOT appreciate it. I dunno, I might have to take back what I posted earlier. There was a much kinder way to deliver that message to you. I am sorry you had to deal with that $&%#! Edited November 23, 2021 by Girl Fade Away Link to post Share on other sites
Author RetroR Posted November 23, 2021 Author Share Posted November 23, 2021 lol this might be the part where i'm reading into things too much. He said it was all good but he was busy, and not feeling good and would text me later. I think my anxiety would be going more crazy if he didn't tell me earlier that he wasn't feeling good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RetroR Posted November 23, 2021 Author Share Posted November 23, 2021 Him: "Hey, thank you for the delivery at work, I really do appreciate it. Just please dont do it again. The owner and HR rep were in the middle of interviews and he got kinda pissed about it." Me: I am so sorry, I never would have. Him: It's all good, I will smooth it out once I get back. Me: I am so sorry, once again. I knew you weren't doing great and thought maybe it would cheer you up. Him: I totally appreciate it, really Me: I'll quit buggin ya. Just know I'm thinking of you and hope the crazy with work is over soon. Him: it's all good Just busy and not feeling good. I'll text you later." Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 5 minutes ago, RetroR said: Thank you!! Appreciate your positivity. We were actually texting a bit ago. I sent him chocolate covered fruit to work because I thought it would be a nice gesture since work has been hectic for him. Instead, I got a text saying he really appreciates it, but don't do it again because his boss didn't like it and was upset because he was in the middle of an interview when it arrived. I feel super bad now and I apologized and told him that was the opposite effect of what I was trying to accomplish. He said it was ok, but he totally appreciated it and would text me later. So yes. My anxiety shot right back up after that one! How about no more gifts until you guys are a little more settled? I feel like that’s kind of a relationship thing. I think you’re using it as a courting thing. Not that there was anything wrong with it and it was very sweet of you , but it could be a little much this early on at the pace he has dictated he wants things to go. Don’t beat yourself up about it tho. Maybe just make a joke of it with him and be like “What?! A fruit basket? I was promised 10 midget strippers” 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RetroR Posted November 23, 2021 Author Share Posted November 23, 2021 lol i love it! Honestly after this, I'm thinking hes gonna be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Girl Fade Away Posted November 24, 2021 Share Posted November 24, 2021 1 minute ago, RetroR said: Him: "Hey, thank you for the delivery at work, I really do appreciate it. Just please dont do it again. The owner and HR rep were in the middle of interviews and he got kinda pissed about it." Me: I am so sorry, I never would have. Him: It's all good, I will smooth it out once I get back. Me: I am so sorry, once again. I knew you weren't doing great and thought maybe it would cheer you up. Him: I totally appreciate it, really Me: I'll quit buggin ya. Just know I'm thinking of you and hope the crazy with work is over soon. Him: it's all good Just busy and not feeling good. I'll text you later." OK that sounds a little bit better. Sending chocolates was a totally sweet gesture, I do not blame you for feeling a bit off now. But ye maybe it was too much. At least he was honest. But geez, you know? Good luck @RetroR. Keep us posted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 24, 2021 Share Posted November 24, 2021 (edited) The OP is anxious because she is responding to the deflection and distraction the guy used when she she asked if they were exclusive. He spouted some BS to appease her, and the OP picked up on the fact he tried to deceive her. NO was the real answer to her question, and he still has his profile up, so we all know that that means... Now he is being weird about the chocolates. This is NOT a guy who wants a relationship... not with you anyway... Edited November 24, 2021 by elaine567 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 24, 2021 Share Posted November 24, 2021 Don't work so hard. Working hard in relationship is NOT the way to win someone over and not the way to calm your own nerves. You don't need to send him anything. Being with you is the prize. If you are not the treat and the prize, then you need to move on and so does he. You mention that you have anxiety. So, it seems that the way you respond to that fear (I'm going to use "fear" here because there is legit fear at the start of relationships) is to commit more and invest more and send him fruit. No, pull back. What you're doing is akin to walking across a flimsy bridge and feeling scared and instead of treading carefully lightly, you decide to ump and down on that unstable structure. That isn't the way you want to go in life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Girl Fade Away Posted November 24, 2021 Share Posted November 24, 2021 (edited) @RetroR I just ran this by my boyfriend for his input and he said it is possible the reason he did not like it was because he may be dating another woman in the office and now he has some explaining to do? He found it hard to believe it was because his boss didn't like it because he was in an interview? So what? It was an office delivery. At my office, we receive deliveries all day long. Interviews are conducted in private. I don't mean to add to anxiety but even my boyfriend thought it was a totally rude and crappy thing to say to anyone let alone a woman you just started dating and supposedly like. Edited November 24, 2021 by Girl Fade Away 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RetroR Posted November 24, 2021 Author Share Posted November 24, 2021 2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Don't work so hard. Working hard in relationship is NOT the way to win someone over and not the way to calm your own nerves. You don't need to send him anything. Being with you is the prize. If you are not the treat and the prize, then you need to move on and so does he. You mention that you have anxiety. So, it seems that the way you respond to that fear (I'm going to use "fear" here because there is legit fear at the start of relationships) is to commit more and invest more and send him fruit. No, pull back. What you're doing is akin to walking across a flimsy bridge and feeling scared and instead of treading carefully lightly, you decide to ump and down on that unstable structure. That isn't the way you want to go in life. Yeah, I'm not sure that is why I sent him what I did. I did it because I care and would do the same to any friend or family member in the same boat. Ask anyone I know... I will send cards, flowers, chocolate covered fruit *apparently*, etc to cheer someone up when they are down. I feel like I put myself in a hole now and I'm in trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 24, 2021 Share Posted November 24, 2021 You're not in any hole. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RetroR Posted November 24, 2021 Author Share Posted November 24, 2021 7 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said: @RetroR I just ran this by my boyfriend for his input and he said it is possible the reason he did not like it was because he may be dating another woman in the office and now he has some explaining to do? He found it hard to believe it was because his boss didn't like it because he was in an interview? So what? It was an office delivery. At my office, we receive deliveries all day long. Interviews are conducted in private. I don't mean to add to anxiety but even my boyfriend thought that was a totally crappy thing to say to a woman you just started dating and supposedly like. Yeah, I probably stirred the pot without intending to. I was so excited too for him to get it. He works out in the field and I guess no one was there but his boss who got the delivery. I have no idea. I'm obsessing and need to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 24, 2021 Share Posted November 24, 2021 (edited) Oh my goodness, this woman already has anxiety, why does there need to be speculation thrown in at this juncture? Just speak more when you see him next, try to find a way to do so in a non-confrontational way, but more of a mutual exchange of thoughts. If you're sleeping with each other, you have a right to protect your heart and your health. Edited November 24, 2021 by Alpaca 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RetroR Posted November 24, 2021 Author Share Posted November 24, 2021 1 minute ago, Alpaca said: Oh my goodness, this woman already has anxiety, why does there need to be speculation thrown in at this juncture? Just speak more when you seem him next, try to find a way to not do it in a non-confrontational way, but more of a mutual exchange of thoughts. If you're sleeping with each other, you have a right to protect your heart and your health. Yes! Thank you. You get me 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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