Am I Out of Line Here?

[Fox Sake]

8 minutes ago, RetroR said:

No. We’ve had more than that. We had talked about doing something tomorrow. But that was earlier in the week and wasn’t brought up again. 

Apart from phone or video chatting how much time have you actually spent together in the last few weeks of dating? 
Like how many physical dates, for how long a time and doing what?  
I can’t shake the feeling it’s early doors for him and you’re already planning the wedding. 
 

Take control.
I’ll continue to play devils advocate here because I think you’re purely sabotaging yourself hanging off that first “could be the one for me” talk you both had.  
So if you want to chase the next dinner date but you know he’s not feeling well, why don’t you tell him that you could come by for an hour and bring him chicken soup or something. Then you’re off to hang out with your girlfriend xyz. Don’t put out either. You be in control. 
 

At the moment you’re just building resentment towards him because you haven’t communicated what you expect. You teach people how to treat you at the start of a relationship.
Or maybe it’s just that the whole “could be the one” thing has made you out too much pressure on yourself. You can ask the same questions a thousand times over to different people , but really you’re the only person who has the power to do actually do something about it 
 

[Girl Fade Away]

RetroR, I think it is quite a coincidence that he suddenly fell ill and distancing himself immediately after the ''chocolate' incident.  And you are underestimating how truly uncomfortable that whole thing  made him feel.  I don't think it was that one thing though, it has been a build up of things and him basically feeling rushed and pressured.  

I am not even convinced he is sick, it would not be the first time that excuse has been used when someone needs space, I have used it myself.  Again, it is just too much of a coincidence after the chocolates debacle. 

I do not agree with bringing him chicken soup!  It is too much, the man is distancing himself, leave him alone.  Being overly nice and caring is not gonna win you any points here, in fact I think that is what is driving him away.

This is all just too much and too over the top for only a few WEEKS dating, sadly he may be on his way out. 

Next relationship, try and manage your anxiety better, stop pushing and acting like a girlfriend or wife before you have had the opportunity to spend more time together and deciding together to be exclusive and that your relationship has 'legs.'  This takes at least a couple of months of consistent dating NOT a few weeks. 

Reading all this, I actually had to go back to your first post and confirm that it has only been a few weeks.  Yikes.  Next time slow down.  Take your time, find other outlets for anxiety rather than pushing  and seeking reassurance.  Refrain from asking questions like "are we okay?"  That sounds incredibly needy and insecure. 

I'm sorry but your only chance here is to leave him ALONE.  No contact.  Wait for HIM to reach out. 

 

 

 

Edited November 26, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

To add, none of my boyfriends fell off the map when sick.  We may not have seen each other, but we still talked and messaged plenty. 

@RetroRI am not saying this to be hurtful.  I am trying be real with you because I do sense something is very OFF here and do not think you should ignore that or excuse it because he is sick or claims to be. 

Again I am very sorry but there IS a lesson to be learned from this whether this works out or not.   

Slow down.  No.pushing.  Manage anxiety.  Let things unfold naturally and gradually.

I hope things turn around and this works out.  Please keep us updated

[Fox Sake]

41 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

RetroR, I think it is quite a coincidence that he suddenly fell ill and distancing himself immediately after the ''chocolate' incident.  And you are underestimating how truly uncomfortable that whole thing  made him feel.  I don't think it was that one thing though, it has been a build up of things and him basically feeling rushed and pressured.  

I am not even convinced he is sick, it would not be the first time that excuse has been used when someone needs space, I have used it myself.  Again, it is just too much of a coincidence after the chocolates debacle. 

I do not agree with bringing him chicken soup!  It is too much, the man is distancing himself, leave him alone.  Being overly nice and caring is not gonna win you any points here, in fact I think that is what is driving him away.

This is all just too much and too over the top for only a few WEEKS dating, sadly he may be on his way out. 

Next relationship, try and manage your anxiety better, stop pushing and acting like a girlfriend or wife before you have had the opportunity to spend more time together and deciding together to be exclusive and that your relationship has 'legs.'  This takes at least a couple of months of consistent dating NOT a few weeks. 

Reading all this, I actually had to go back to your first post and confirm that it has only been a few weeks.  Yikes.  Next time slow down.  Take your time, find other outlets for anxiety rather than pushing  and seeking reassurance.  Refrain from asking questions like "are we okay?"  That sounds incredibly needy and insecure. 

I'm sorry but your only chance here is to leave him ALONE.  No contact.  Wait for HIM to reach out. 

 

 

 

 

My advice on the chicken soup and having something else to do was more about feeling like SHE had some control over her situation or boundaries. To help her feel like she was calling the shots. showing him she was still there but heard him loud and clear about slowing down.  It wasn’t about just being all nice nice. It was meant to empower and preserve on the off chance that that isn’t as it seems.  Probably a bit past that now tho. Heartache is sometimes the only point that we will listen and observe what’s actually going on and what we do deserve. 
I still agree with your advice tho , it’s all on point. 

Edited November 26, 2021 by Fox Sake

[Girl Fade Away]

44 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

My advice on the chicken soup and having something else to do was more about feeling like SHE had some control over her situation or boundaries help her feel like she was calling the shots. Showing him she was still there but heard him loud and clear about slowing down.

OK, but it's important to be aware of how our partner interprets our actions too.   He already expressed how he felt about the chocolates. That he felt uncomfortable however he chose to convey that. It was too much.    He has since distanced himself and now she is bringing him chicken soup?  How does that send the message of slowing down? 

The message that sends is she is trying too hard, being overly nice and 'motherly' to win points.  To show him what a great girlfriend she wouid make.   It is too much for only a few weeks dating.  Best to leave him be.

Our own intentions are not enough.  How our partner interprets our actions is just as important, which I have found most people do not consider. They only consider what their own intentions were and fail to understand how their partner is feeling or how they (our partner) are interpreting what we do. . 

Placing yourself in their shoes so to speak. 

Edited November 26, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[glows]

5 hours ago, RetroR said:

No. We’ve had more than that. We had talked about doing something tomorrow. But that was earlier in the week and wasn’t brought up again. 

It's a few hours since you posted this. Is this still the case? It seems like he's cutting it quite close not having made any plans with you if he expects to see you tomorrow. 

[Lotsgoingon]

People use not feeling well as an excuse, an evasion, to put up distance. In 20s, my days of serious distancing, I used that excuse ALL THE TIME. Later in life, a woman who was distancing herself from me suddenly didn't feel well and needed time alone. I was like, wait, I've seen this move before. OMG, it's my old distancing move, which I used on people I sorta wanted to be into but really wasn't that much into. 

The big irony is that when I'm into someone, I want them to come and comfort me! If I'm not feeling well and I'm into someone, I have the free reign to tell them exactly what I want. Bring this kind of food. Come and talk to me about X. Sit there. I sit here. You get card blanche when you're sick. You also have card blanche to be incoherent, to mumble, to be abrupt or whatever.  You can totally focus on yourself and have the other person focus on you--so there should be little work involved. 

 

Edited November 26, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[NYAG]

On 11/23/2021 at 4:33 PM, RetroR said:

Question.  I've been dating someone for a few weeks now... things moved rather fast for us and he told me he can see a future with us and how I am "very refreshing"  We've also talked about how we both want kids, text all the time, etc.  There's definitely a connection there, or I think there is anyway.  We met online and I kinda asked him if we were exclusive and what he thought.  He said he didn't want to announce anything until we met families and friends, etc.   I saw he is still there though through a friend who is also on there.   He also said he removed himself from his dating profile by no longer receiving notifications... I'm not sure what that means.  Basically, he still has the profile but isn't active?  My mind has been a crap storm with all this and I don't want to ask him anymore.  He's told me there's no one else and he doesn't want to be with anyone else since I seem to be able to want everything he does in life.  Why is this bothering me so bad?  Should I just lay it to rest?

It's really early days to be worrying about this. It's not an exclusive relationship after just a few weeks no matter what promises have been made either way. Boy have I been there! This is the early heady days and some would call that love bombing. Also, deleting a dating app from your phone or removing notifications doesn't remove the profile. You have to physically go in and delete the profile from the main site. However, I still think it's really early days to be demanding a dating profile removal. That he's removed the notifications is good but he's hedging his bets and you should be too. Who knows, 6 months down the line you might both be in the past. Maybe in a year you'll be starting that family you'bve talked about, but I think you are really overthinking the seriousness of this relationship so early on. Just go with it, enjoy it for what it is and see where it goes.