Am I Out of Line Here?

[RetroR]

He’s showing active on Facebook and of course I’m worrying he’s using FB Dating. I know I’m probably being irrational. 

[basil67]

If you're referring to light next to his name on messenger, it does sound like you're being irrational.  Are you prone to unfounded jealousy or do you not trust him?   

[RetroR]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

If you're referring to light next to his name on messenger, it does sound like you're being irrational.  Are you prone to unfounded jealousy or do you not trust him?   

I’ve been cheated on in the past and lied to (not with him) sooo of course my guard is up. Also, he seems to have grown distant lately. He says he’s been sick and I’m giving him space but it doesn’t give me the best feeling. 

[basil67]

If he's home sick and browsing the internet, the light will be on.   This bit is not alarming in itself.

But that he's getting distant and apparently needing space from you (I assume this is why you're giving space), this is a problem.

[RetroR]

Just now, basil67 said:

If he's home sick and browsing the internet, the light will be on.   This bit is not alarming in itself.

But that he's getting distant and apparently needing space from you (I assume this is why you're giving space), this is a problem.

So even if he’s just online, it’ll show on Facebook also?

 

He said the last two days he’s been feeling like he’s getting sick. I was worried about him so I text him this morning and said if there’s anything he needed to just let me know. He finally replied that he got some sleep but was still feeling pretty much the same (bad) and that he would check in with me later. I then said to just let me know and I couldn’t help but feel like something was off. I asked if things with us were still good and he replied, “things with us are just fine, hon” I don’t know. Guess I’m use to the texts and flirtatiousness but maybe it’s just because he truly doesn’t feel good. 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, RetroR said:

So even if he’s just online, it’ll show on Facebook also?

He said the last two days he’s been feeling like he’s getting sick. I was worried about him so I text him this morning and said if there’s anything he needed to just let me know. He finally replied that he got some sleep but was still feeling pretty much the same (bad) and that he would check in with me later. I then said to just let me know and I couldn’t help but feel like something was off. I asked if things with us were still good and he replied, “things with us are just fine, hon” I don’t know. Guess I’m use to the texts and flirtatiousness but maybe it’s just because he truly doesn’t feel good. 

If he's got multiple tabs open and FB is one of them, it will show as online.   My FB is on another tab as I write this. And so is the news and Pinterest.  But even if he's not on other tabs, there is no reason to believe he's not just browsing.

To be honest, telling him that you're worried about the relationship when he's sick wasn't a good move.  If a partner is sick, it's the time to be strong for them.   It's not the time to be needy and add to them feeling rotten. 

[RetroR]

Just now, basil67 said:

If he's got multiple tabs open and FB is one of them, it will show as online.   My FB is on another tab as I write this. And so is the news and Pinterest.  But even if he's not on other tabs, there is no reason to believe he's not just browsing.

To be honest, telling him that you're worried about the relationship when he's sick wasn't a good move.  If a partner is sick, it's the time to be strong for them.   It's not the time to be needy and add to them feeling rotten. 

Understood. I know he uses the FB app though. 
I don’t think I’m being “needy” at all. I think anyone would wonder why someone who is typically so attentive seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth the last few days. 

[Fox Sake]

4 minutes ago, RetroR said:

Understood. I know he uses the FB app though. 
I don’t think I’m being “needy” at all. I think anyone would wonder why someone who is typically so attentive seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth the last few days. 

Because maybe they AREN'T feeling well. Maybe they ARE actually busy. 

The needy part comes from inspecting and analysing his Facebook online status. Hanging on the edge of your phone for a reply or contact from him and wondering if he’s dating or looking for someone else. Your insecurity could push this guy away if you don’t try to focus yourself. Insecurity and fear end up bleeding out of our words and exchanges. 
 

You asked him if things were good, which isn’t bad per say, but it comes across as insecure without actually really saying what’s on your mind (anxiety, his change of behaviour, your dynamic etc) , so it was kind of a wasted opportunity for a calm and sincere chat. Remember to be true to yourself. Either way he told you yes it was all good.  
 

Now all you can do is really wait and feel it out until the right moment comes along or he is feeling better. Try and keep yourself busy. Respond to his good night and good morning texts , or send them first if you’re up or going to sleep. Don’t make them too gushy. Mirror his levels of affection. 

If you’re ever questioning if someone does like you or not, or you may have been overbearing  and you haven’t had an opportunity or feel comfortable to talk about it lightly, the best thing you can do is pull away a little and create intrigue. That doesn’t mean no contact. It just means give them a little space to breath 

[RetroR]

16 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Because maybe they AREN'T feeling well. Maybe they ARE actually busy. 

The needy part comes from inspecting and analysing his Facebook online status. Hanging on the edge of your phone for a reply or contact from him and wondering if he’s dating or looking for someone else. Your insecurity could push this guy away if you don’t try to focus yourself. Insecurity and fear end up bleeding out of our words and exchanges. 
 

You asked him if things were good, which isn’t bad per say, but it comes across as insecure without actually really saying what’s on your mind (anxiety, his change of behaviour, your dynamic etc) , so it was kind of a wasted opportunity for a calm and sincere chat. Remember to be true to yourself. Either way he told you yes it was all good.  
 

Now all you can do is really wait and feel it out until the right moment comes along or he is feeling better. Try and keep yourself busy. Respond to his good night and good morning texts , or send them first if you’re up or going to sleep. Don’t make them too gushy. Mirror his levels of affection. 

If you’re ever questioning if someone does like you or not, or you may have been overbearing  and you haven’t had an opportunity or feel comfortable to talk about it lightly, the best thing you can do is pull away a little and create intrigue. That doesn’t mean no contact. It just means give them a little space to breath 

But realistically, if he wasn’t interested any longer, I feel like he’s had the chance to tell me. Right?

[Fox Sake]

13 minutes ago, RetroR said:

But realistically, if he wasn’t interested any longer, I feel like he’s had the chance to tell me. Right?

That’s up to you. We don’t know him. 
I would say so, personally that’s something I would do. Im straight up if there’s no chemistry. I’m not him tho. Be true to you. If all else then just go with your gut.  

He said he likes you but I think your insecurities are in danger of shifting the dynamic between you both. You can feel that and you panic when that happens , digging you further. 
Just chill a little and re read my last post. You’re making things very hard for yourself right now. Be kind to you!  

Edited November 25, 2021 by Fox Sake
Grammar and a smiley

[RetroR]

6 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

That’s up to you. We don’t know him. 
I would say so, personally that’s something I would do. Im straight up if there’s no chemistry. I’m not him tho. Be true to you. If all else then just go with your gut.  

He said he likes you but I think your insecurities are in danger of shifting the dynamic between you both. You can feel that and you panic when that happens , digging you further. 
Just chill a little and re read my last post. You’re making things very hard for yourself right now. Be kind to you!  

Thank you. I realize I look like a crazy girl. I’m not. I post things in forums or google things so I don’t totally question him 🤣 I need to find resolve in the fact that he could easily tell me, “hey, I’m not interested any more and want to end things” or “hey, I want to keep my options opened and date others.”  I’m hoping this is just a bad time for him and it passes and things get better so I can stop this. 

[Fox Sake]

7 minutes ago, RetroR said:

Thank you. I realize I look like a crazy girl. I’m not. I post things in forums or google things so I don’t totally question him 🤣 I need to find resolve in the fact that he could easily tell me, “hey, I’m not interested any more and want to end things” or “hey, I want to keep my options opened and date others.”  I’m hoping this is just a bad time for him and it passes and things get better so I can stop this. 

Not crazy. You just like someone a crazy amount   

well, now you have an idea of what you need to hear , maybe you just need a calm, friendly and sincere way to put it. Or you could just look at his actions instead for a while and sit on this a little longer, whilst working on being happy and realising you have value in who you are?  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, RetroR said:

Understood. I know he uses the FB app though. 
I don’t think I’m being “needy” at all. I think anyone would wonder why someone who is typically so attentive seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth the last few days. 

Normally I would say that raising concerns about him seeming not so interested is not needy.  But doing it when he's sick is super needy.   Could you not have waited till he was feeling better?

[Girl Fade Away]

22 minutes ago, RetroR said:

I need to find resolve in the fact that he could easily tell me, “hey, I’m not interested any more and want to end things” or “hey, I want to keep my options opened and date others."

That is very difficult for many people to say, what is more likely is they will begin fading out, acting distant hoping YOU pull the plug so they don't feel guilty.  Or ghosting has become popular.

Follow your intuition on this.  If this were me, I know what MY intuition would be saying and I would either directly (but kindly) discuss with him in person or end it myself.  

I agree with you, sick or not something does sound very very off.  It is still very very early stages, this should NOT be happening. 

Edited November 25, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[RetroR]

11 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

That is very difficult for many people to say, what is more likely is they will begin fading out, acting distant hoping YOU pull the plug so they don't feel guilty.  Or ghosting has become popular.

Follow your intuition on this.  If this were me, I know what MY intuition would be saying and I would either directly (but kindly) discuss with him in person or end it myself.  

I agree with you, sick or not something does sound very very off.  It is still very very early stages, this should NOT be happening. 

I understand. But I also think since it is the early stages, pulling the plug for him would be easy. I guess I need to sit back and see how it unfolds. 

[glows]

There is also the possibility that he is incompatible to you and doesn't communicate with you at a rate that you feel comfortable with in something that should be new, exciting or intriguing. In other words, his interest in you is there but not as high as you'd like. You're putting a lot of weight on him making the decision of whether he wants to be with you yet it goes both ways. If this is unfulfilling you can walk away. 

I believe what the others were cautioning about is introducing your child too early especially where there are so many doubts. Whatever is going on with his work is also unknown. Do you know what he's dealing with at work? I've met wonderful people who just don't have the same background or lifestyle or live stressful, preoccupied lives elsewhere or married to their work for long periods. They may be under the false impression that they have time for a longer term/serious relationship but they really, actually do not. Not to the level that I would be present in one, for example. Rest assured that you alone make the decision of whether someone is a good match for you, holistically, in totality, the whole package. 

[Girl Fade Away]

18 minutes ago, RetroR said:

I understand. But I also think since it is the early stages, pulling the plug for him would be easy. I guess I need to sit back and see how it unfolds. 

Yes it is early stages but a lot has happened.  You have discussed being exclusive which he agreed, he is scheduled to meet your daughter, the issue with the chocolates. I think things progressed too quickly, he is feeling suffocated, the best thing to do now is NOTHING.  Give him space and take space yourself. 

Wait for HIM to reach out..  In the meantine, find other outlets to manage anxiety, exercise helps me a lot.

I am suggesting these things as it is what I would do and have done in similar situations.

[Alpacalia]

OP try to relax a bit.

It sounds like a guy I dated when I had gotten sick and I was on the phone with him every single day and texting him yet he still doubted me and it's part of the reason I ended up calling things off with him over it.

Between the need for redefining of exclusivity and sending the chocolates to his work and now monitoring his online activities it's all a bit too much.

When do you see him next?

[RetroR]

39 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Yes it is early stages but a lot has happened.  You have discussed being exclusive which he agreed, he is scheduled to meet your daughter, the issue with the chocolates. I think things progressed too quickly, he is feeling suffocated, the best thing to do now is NOTHING.  Give him space and take space yourself. 

Wait for HIM to reach out..  In the meantine, find other outlets to manage anxiety, exercise helps me a lot.

I am suggesting these things as it is what I would do and have done in similar situations.

Thank you. I’m laying low. Do you think he truly just doesn’t feel good?

[Alpacalia]

On 11/24/2021 at 10:51 AM, ShyViolet said:

OP, I really think sending a guy gifts at work when you've only been dating a few weeks is way too much and enough to scare some people off.  I know you have anxiety, but you really need to reel yourself in.  This guy had already said he wasn't at a place where he wanted to be exclusive.  You are likely to scare this guy off.  You might already have.

Agree.

And getting riled up by some of the posts certainly doesn't help...

Edited November 25, 2021 by Alpaca

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, RetroR said:

Thank you. I’m laying low. Do you think he truly just doesn’t feel good?

I'll ask again because I noticed you glossed over it.

When do you see him next?

[Interstellar]

he removed himself from his dating profile by no longer receiving notifications? so that means it’s still up. thought that sounded like a load of c**p. you remove yourself by deleting your account right? Just keep your eyes and ears open.

Edited November 26, 2021 by Interstellar

[RetroR]

1 hour ago, Interstellar said:

he removed himself from his dating profile by no longer receiving notifications? so that means it’s still up. thought that sounded like a load of c**p. you remove yourself by deleting your account right? Just keep your eyes and ears open.

That’s how I feel. Based on actions over the past two days, I’m not happy about any of it and am realizing I want and need more. 

[Fox Sake]

9 minutes ago, RetroR said:

That’s how I feel. Based on actions over the past two days, I’m not happy about any of it and am realizing I want and need more. 

You guys have had ONE physical date where you saw one another …. Correct me if I’m wrong? 
When is the next one? 

[RetroR]

2 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

You guys have had ONE physical date where you saw one another …. Correct me if I’m wrong? 
When is the next one? 

No. We’ve had more than that. We had talked about doing something tomorrow. But that was earlier in the week and wasn’t brought up again.