How slow is too slow?

[JiltedJane]

Over the past few months I’ve been trying to get over my ex who cheated on me with a 22-year-old. You can check out my whole story with the most recent being “cheating coworkers “.

In January this year, during one of our off moments with said coworker,  I met an older man in his forties, who had just gotten out of the hospital after being in a near fatal car accident. He was there for four months before we met. We had one date which was pretty good, but over the next few weeks he kept having physical therapy sessions and additional surgeries and we never got to meet up.  He kept asking me out but then canceling due to complications with his injuries. I initially figured he was blowing me off so I told him that I was looking for something serious and his response was “maybe I need to fully heal first before dating”. In the meantime I got back together with my coworker.

He then surprisingly popped up again in August, after I left my coworker for the final time.
With both of us being so busy we didn’t have time to finally meet up until October. Over the past six weeks we’ve been on four additional dates, each of them last anywhere from 7 to 15 hours long. He’s always traveling for work, or for family. His brother recently died and he’s been doing a lot of traveling back-and-forth to his family in the south and constantly going on business trips.

We were supposed to meet up over this past weekend, but a couple days before he said he had to go back down south and that we were definitely meeting up when he got back.

I only hear from him every 3 to 4 days. it was like this in January as well. It’s always been this way. Whenever we’re together he never has his phone on him. i’m always extremely comfortable around him, The conversation flows, we laugh a lot, tons of chemistry,  but he does give off an aloof kind of vibe. I’ve been told I do the same thing. 

Even though he’s older, he actually went to school with a couple of my cousins, so they were able to vouch for what his personality is like. They said he was aloof even back then.

I’m trying to be understanding with his injuries, coping with his brothers death, and helping his family out with selling their house, but I’m not sure if he’s just busy or I’m not a super priority right now, or if he’s just stringing me along.I’m just used to a guy texting me and calling me nonstop when they like me. Or hounding me for dates even when I’ve said no.

Everyone tells me that since this is new, that this is normal. Even my therapist said that it seems healthy and to not worry because he said we were going to meet up when he comes back. Everything I read online gives me mixed advice.

Clearly I’m busy and still healing, and he’s busy and still healing from things, so am I reading too much into this? I like this person, but I don’t want to also give off the vibe that I’m either clingy or the opposite that I’m not interested. 
 

I should also add that he lives about 90 minutes away from me and is constantly traveling for work. When we do text it’s not a lot of back and forth. He does write lengthy messages, but not that many messages if you know what I mean. And most the time or texting is just to plan when to meet up or to confirm plans.

Edited November 23, 2021 by JiltedJane

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

I’m just used to a guy texting me and calling me nonstop when they like me. Or hounding me for dates even when I’ve said no.

Why would you want a man hounding you for dates when you're saying no?  Most grown people have busy lives and don't have time to text all day.  How old are you Jane?

[JiltedJane]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why would you want a man hounding you for dates when you're saying no?  Most grown people have busy lives and don't have time to text all day.  How old are you Jane?

I’m 36 lol

Haha I don’t want a man I’m not interested in hounding me. I’m just used to men being more aggressive I should say. 
Im also used to the men interested in me texting daily. Plus that’s what all the sites say should happen at the “ honey moon phase.” 

Edited November 23, 2021 by JiltedJane

[glows]

19 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

I’m trying to be understanding with his injuries, coping with his brothers death, and helping his family out with selling their house, but I’m not sure if he’s just busy or I’m not a super priority right now, or if he’s just stringing me along.

He's busy and recovering from a serious accident on top of the death of a loved one. Be more realistic here and tend to your own life. If you're feeling uneasy or unsettled stop the pattern of what you're doing. What are you helping out with exactly in selling the house? Chances are you do not need to be his cleaner, housesitter, mover etc. He can pay for those services. Are you volunteering a lot of your time to "help" him? 

Dial it back, be a little more cognizant of the situation and let him come to you. It's unlikely that his personal issues or healing will be instant and settling things with his brother and healing from his injuries will take time. You seem too emotionally invested and needing more than what this offers. He's already shown you once that he's unable to think straight or consider carefully whether he can offer reasonably of himself within a relationship. That, to me, shows a person who isn't in the frame of mind already to be making any further decisions about a long term relationship. 

 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

Haha I don’t want a man I’m not interested in hounding me. I’m just used to men being more aggressive I should say. I’m 36

Who said you did?  Hounding is annoying that's why it's called that.  I think you mean eager not aggressive.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

With both of us being so busy we didn’t have time to finally meet up until October. Over the past six weeks we’ve been on four additional dates, each of them last anywhere from 7 to 15 hours long. my therapist said that it seems healthy and to not worry because he said we were going to meet up when he comes back.

Listen to your therapist. It's very new and there are a lot of complications from the distance to his recent personal and family problems. That's ok unavailable people usually choose other unavailable people, so perhaps when you are both ready, things will gel a bit better.

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, glows said:

He's busy and recovering from a serious accident on top of the death of a loved one. Be more realistic here and tend to your own life. If you're feeling uneasy or unsettled stop the pattern of what you're doing. What are you helping out with exactly in selling the house? Chances are you do not need to be his cleaner, housesitter, mover etc. He can pay for those services. Are you volunteering a lot of your time to "help" him? 

Dial it back, be a little more cognizant of the situation and let him come to you. It's unlikely that his personal issues or healing will be instant and settling things with his brother and healing from his injuries will take time. You seem too emotionally invested and needing more than what this offers. He's already shown you once that he's unable to think straight or consider carefully whether he can offer reasonably of himself within a relationship. That, to me, shows a person who isn't in the frame of mind already to be making any further decisions about a long term relationship. 

 

I’m not helping out with this house. He’s helping his parents sell their house down in the south while they settle into the new one up here. The times we have been together have been dates. 
he’s never asked me to help with anything.

Edited November 23, 2021 by JiltedJane

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Who said you did?  Hounding is annoying that's why it's called that.  I think you mean eager not aggressive.

That is a better word. Eager. I’m used to men acting more eager when they seem interested. But at this point even eagerness doesn’t seem to reflect any kind of Genuity or honesty. 

[JiltedJane]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Listen to your therapist. It's very new and there are a lot of complications from the distance to his recent personal and family problems. That's ok unavailable people usually choose other unavailable people, so perhaps when you are both ready, things will gel a bit better.

It doesn’t sound like disinterest? I don’t want to be one of those women that makes excuses. 

[JiltedJane]

On 11/23/2021 at 1:37 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Listen to your therapist. It's very new and there are a lot of complications from the distance to his recent personal and family problems. That's ok unavailable people usually choose other unavailable people, so perhaps when you are both ready, things will gel a bit better.

So this guy and I have seen each other three additional times. Now eight dates total. Each date longer (sometimes 30 hrs including sleeping) and better than the previous...except the last date I got too drunk and got sick. Not in front of him but it screwed up the rest of the night. I’ll get to that in a minute...

I’m still concerned with the texting pattern. Still only every three days on average. I’ve talked to him about it and he said not to take it personally because he’s not a big texter and hates it. I’ve noticed he leaves his phone in the car half the time or downstairs if we’re upstairs.

He also made NYE plans that didn’t include me. I decided to be assertive for once and ask him if he wanted to hang out,instead of waiting for him to ask me. Instead, he already had plans. He’s either going with his parents to help them close on their house down south and move the rest of the furniture out, or going to Vermont with his cousin. I know it’s only been two months, but I am really annoyed I wasn’t included or considered. Am I being ridiculous? Or is my annoyance justified?

Everyone is telling me to ditch this dude.... until I tell him about his brother. Then I get opposite advice.

im trying to be understanding especially since I’m healing/grieving as well. He has genuinely been busy and his pain is genuine.

Some of his behavior outside our dates tells me he’s just looking for sex, but on dates it’s somewhat confusing. On our second to last date I had my period and he told me we didn’t have to do anything if I was uncomfortable. We spent the night cuddling, talking and watching movies. 

Our last date he came from a fundraiser in his brothers name. He was fun and friendly but clearly distraught. It was the first time he was at my place and I was nervous af. Most guys either hate my stuff or are “minimalists” and hate that I own things. He kept telling me how cool my place and belongings were and asking questions about each thing. Kept repeating how he liked me vibe and my style. We were both having a great time, but then we each drank too much and that’s where I got sick. He Didn’t see it though... thank god. Heard it, but didn’t see it. He was great  and kept telling me not to worry about it. He stayed almost till noon the next day and opened up about his grieving as how hard the last 6-12 months have been. He again kept telling me how great I am and how much he likes me and my apt. We texted throughout the day.

Except for me messaging him on Christmas, we are again back to our three day routine but with no definite plans of when to see each other next. 

Again, I’m trying to be lenient and understanding with all he’s going through while getting through my own stuff, but idk if his  behavior is from lack of interest, just an aloof personality, or truly from grieving. I’m also worried I look like a train wreck from getting sick.

 Is this going too slow or just right regarding the circumstances?

 Idk my next move here.

 

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by JiltedJane

[flitzanu]

have you established that you both have an actual relationship, or is he just contacting you once a week to meet up for sex?

 

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

Except for me messaging him on Christmas, we are again back to our three day routine but with no definite plans of when to see each other next. 

 

41 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

have you established that you both have an actual relationship, or is he just contacting you once a week to meet up for sex?

 

I imagine if you guys become exclusive he will text you mor often Jane.  So glad to see you're dating this guy and put the co-worker behind you.

Edited December 28, 2021 by stillafool

[Lauriebell82]

It sounds similar to the more non-exclusive relationships I had before I met my boyfriend. Texts every few days, consistent dates but I was not really a huge priority to them. To me it just indicated they weren't really all that interested in moving towards a serious relationship. When I met my boyfriend it was totally different. We started talking daily from the start and a relationship happened right away. 

I don't either is right or wrong. Going slow and letting it develop naturally over time or it developing right away because that's what you both want and are ready for. I would give it a little bit more time to let things develop. If things aren't turning into an actual committed relationship like what you are looking for at some point then I would reconsider. But cross that bridge when you come to it! 

Edited December 28, 2021 by Lauriebell82

[JiltedJane]

4 hours ago, flitzanu said:

have you established that you both have an actual relationship, or is he just contacting you once a week to meet up for sex?

 

We talk every three days, just to catch up on anything new. But It’s usually not a lot of conversation through text. When we see each other the conversation flows, and we’re learning more about each other. The one date we didn’t even have sex at all. We just hung out. Every other day there’s been more activities included. It’s not always based around sex.