Is my boyfriend lying about seeing an escort?

[chels55]

Hey,
Looking for advice.
My partner of 12 years had a text from an escort a few weeks ago. It stated something along the lines of "I'm around next Friday if you're available...(postcode")
I immediately knew it was escort and typed the number in google and found her on an escorting site. 
I went through his phone and he made a whatapp call to her that was cancelled. (when confronted he said he made the call accidentally) He also said he was on the site because he wanted to watch porn. I don't understand this because I thought you would just go on to a porn site for this, so really confused. 
I think what I really want to know is, if you WhatsApp call and escort and cancel the call would they then TEXT (not WhatsApp) you a week later?
Feeling really betrayed I contacted the escort myself and she agreed to talk to me, I sent her photos of my partner and she gave me a different name for him. She told me that he came to her hotel that night by was very off and was there two minutes saying he felt very uncomfortable and that he had a girlfriend at home, it didn't feel right and left. She said he still payed because they are her rules but absolutely nothing happened and as horrible it is I should respect that he didn't go through with it. When I confronted him he said she has the wrong person and she has made a terrible mistake. 
Feeling so confused I went onto his search history something I've never done before and he had searched escorts local to him where he was staying for work commitments (so he was staying away from home) but he had searched these early that morning after leaving our home. to me its like out was on his mind. we have children together and he swears blue in the face this is all a coincidence. It feels very off to me. 
Advice/opinions please. Feel like I'm losing my mind. 
 

[FMW]

I wouldn't trust what either your partner or the escort said.  

Unfortunately it's hard to believe that he was only interested in porn, given what you wrote.  

I also find it highly suspicious that the escort would agree to talk to you in the first place.  She's in a business that depends on confidentiality and discretion.  Talking to a customer's partner and assuring them nothing happened just seems really odd.  

My ex husband had a history with escorts, and I spent way too much time following up on the evidence trails he carelessly left.  No one ever gave me any information whatsoever.  It was a humiliating experience and one that admittedly gives me a strong bias against being able to believe something like this is just a mistake or coincidence. 

It's a really tough situation, especially with children involved.  But don't sweep this under the rug.  

[Foxhall]

well you dont need anyone to tell you he's lying-but nonetheless Im going to say dont be too harsh on him

 

over 12 years together things can go a bit mundane and he is looking for a little spark away from home,

every man is entitled to one little fall from grace - was it JR in Dallas used to say that back in the day,

He still loves you I am sure and what the lady said about the guilty conscience that part is probably true,

look I know its hurtful, but look on it hes not gone off or left you for an other woman, he just looked for a brief encounter - rush of blood, bit of stress relief.

 

Hope yee can work through things and salvage the relationship.

 

 

 

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

every man is entitled to one little fall from grace -

Really????

25 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

He still loves you I am sure and what the lady said about the guilty conscience that part is probably true,

Likely  no and no...
The escort I guess tells every wife/gf the same story... if any contact her.  Nothing happened.
Yeah right.

OP get tested right away for STIs.
If he is regularly away for work commitments then this won't be the first time, it is only the first time YOU know about.

[basil67]

I too, am struggling with the idea that she talked about him to you.    Likewise, I'm struggling with the idea that she messaged him to say that she was in his area.   

Story has too many holes.

Edited November 24, 2021 by basil67

[elaine567]

I think he may be a regular client of hers, hence the message to say she was available and the clearing it with his wife...

Edited November 24, 2021 by elaine567
typo

[Fox Sake]

So anyways. Gossip aside.
 

You’re relationship has clearly degraded into this stage now where one or both of you aren’t getting what you need. And there’s a lack of transparent and open communication, otherwise there wouldn’t be a lack of trust. 
 

Have you actually sat down and discussed with him what he honestly feels is missing from the relationship? Or why he is seeking to be with another woman or why he feels he needs to?

…I think once you confront all of that with each other - openly and honestly without fear of the other one flying off the handle, you’ll have a more clear understanding and won’t have to play detective and try and get others to help you solve this issue that is down to something being wrong in the relationship and neither of you discussing it. Then resentment and mistrust build….. then boom.  

[Foxhall]

36 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Really????

well the fall from grace comment was somewhat "tongue in cheek" as the saying goes,

my intention was to convey the mindset of a bored husband or a guy going through a mid life crisis or whatever you want to call it.

 

[glows]

The part that halts me in my tracks reading your story is that you felt you had to snoop through his communications in order to find resolution to something that was bothering you. It went to that space and that level of distrust. I understand different people may respond differently to this and have a higher threshold for drama and issues in a relationship but there is no way that I would be able to sustain or reconcile a relationship where I cannot trust my partner's ongoings or communication. It would be over right there and then. 

In order for this to make any step forwards in terms of reconciliation is him first admitting that he's cheated on you or paid for escort services (in however manner executed even if not to completion or as agreed). The second would be promising never do to it again and third, to review what's causing that resentment in your relationship or boredom so that this level of deceit and lies stops. It's a long shot and not something I personally would try to get to the bottom of. 

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I think he may be a regular client of hers, hence the message to say she was available and the clearing it with his wife...

Sending a message which may flash up on someone's phone screen?   I can't see it.  A sex worker's work is reliant on absolute discretion.

[Fox Sake]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

The part that halts me in my tracks reading your story is that you felt you had to snoop through his communications in order to find resolution to something that was bothering you. It went to that space and that level of distrust. I understand different people may respond differently to this and have a higher threshold for drama and issues in a relationship but there is no way that I would be able to sustain or reconcile a relationship where I cannot trust my partner's ongoings or communication. It would be over right there and then. 

In order for this to make any step forwards in terms of reconciliation is him first admitting that he's cheated on you or paid for escort services (in however manner executed even if not to completion or as agreed). The second would be promising never do to it again and third, to review what's causing that resentment in your relationship or boredom so that this level of deceit and lies stops. It's a long shot and not something I personally would try to get to the bottom of. 

 

That’s a good response! I absolutely agree with you 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, chels55 said:

Hey,
Looking for advice.
My partner of 12 years had a text from an escort a few weeks ago. It stated something along the lines of "I'm around next Friday if you're available...(postcode")
I immediately knew it was escort and typed the number in google and found her on an escorting site. 
 

This bit is weird too.  How would you "know" it was an escort?   If I saw "I'm around on Friday......"  flash up on my husband's lock screen, I'd be thinking work client or at worst, affair partner.   Why assume sex worker? 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately what you came across is the tip of the iceberg

Make an appointment ASAP with your physician. Be frank about your concerns. Get tested for STDs.

Privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for your options in the event of divorce. Do not tell him, or threaten divorce.

Reflect if you can remain married to someone who goes to escorts.

[ExpatInItaly]

He is lying, and you know this. None of this is just a bizarre coincidence.

I would not necessarily believe what the escort is telling you either, about him feeling guilty and leaving. She has a reason to protect her own skin from an angry wife, too.  You two have some serious problems in your marriage, and you would be wise to speak to an attorney and get full screening for STIs and HIV. 

6 hours ago, Foxhall said:

my intention was to convey the mindset of a bored husband or a guy going through a mid life crisis or whatever you want to call it.

The solution here should never be to cheat, and especially not with a prostitute. Come on.

[Old Aussie]

Firstly, you're not really clear on your relationship.  You say boyfriend, then call him your partner, but don't actually explain the nature of your relationship.

Secondly, big issue is you snooping through his phone, and supposedly "knowing" that a text is from a prostitute.  I find your story has a lot of holes in it.  I also highly doubt that a prostitute would "agree to talk to you."  And whilst I can't say for sure, my experience in googling numbers (from missed calls) suggest it's not that easy to "immediately find the number on Google" And I would imagine there would be some protection on any sites to prevent this.  So something about this doesn't ring true.  I'm guessing that what you're not admitting to is perhaps a longer and more detailed history of snooping.  
As a general rule, I would say that such snooping and suspicions are unhealthy and a sign of a poor relationship without trust.  I'm not blaming you, clearly you have good reason for this mistrust.  But it suggests the problems are older and deeper than this recent incident.

You then mention that you "have children together", which again is a very vague turn of phrase. 

I'm of an older generation, but even so I try not to be judgemental about "modern relationships."  However I have noted that people seem to get into these rather casual/ unstructured relationships, including conceiving children when there's no commitment to a stable monogamous family unit (or Marriage) and yet feel dismayed and even betrayed when things don't turn out the way they wanted.

[dramafreezone]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for your options in the event of divorce. Do not tell him, or threaten divorce.

 

I don't think they're married.

[Fox Sake]

14 hours ago, Foxhall said:

well the fall from grace comment was somewhat "tongue in cheek" as the saying goes,

my intention was to convey the mindset of a bored husband or a guy going through a mid life crisis or whatever you want to call it.

 

Not my mindset , but I know where you’re coming from.I don’t think you should have been scolded for it. Those were the days when people had traditional gender roles. Let me point out to the warriors in here that that is still incredibly recent in the grand scheme of things. 

That’s a generation/societal thing I think and probably something to do with a lesser understanding of the the importance of communication and honesty in a relationship. It was quite prominent in the days of my grandparents. With that said - one set of grandparents were madly in love their whole lives and had no desire for anyone else. The other, had people chasing them even in their 80’s. Especially my grandpa 😅 people just adored him. 

But it was all very unethical and was actually quite damaging in the long run. I have seen it with my own parents.  I would like to think the world is becoming a bit more advanced in its levels of communication and honesty now. we certainly have more describing words to help with that. 

That part of the fall from grace- the partner taking it with a stiff upper lip, seemed to be taboo but quietly accepted and expected in some circles. 
I don’t know why people don’t just communicate …I guess fear takes over through a disbanded balance of power. 

Edited November 24, 2021 by Fox Sake

[LatinCoffee]

15 hours ago, glows said:

The part that halts me in my tracks reading your story is that you felt you had to snoop through his communications in order to find resolution to something that was bothering you. It went to that space and that level of distrust. I understand different people may respond differently to this and have a higher threshold for drama and issues in a relationship but there is no way that I would be able to sustain or reconcile a relationship where I cannot trust my partner's ongoings or communication. It would be over right there and then. 

In order for this to make any step forwards in terms of reconciliation is him first admitting that he's cheated on you or paid for escort services (in however manner executed even if not to completion or as agreed). The second would be promising never do to it again and third, to review what's causing that resentment in your relationship or boredom so that this level of deceit and lies stops. It's a long shot and not something I personally would try to get to the bottom of. 

 

@glows This is spot on how I feel! Good luck to the OP!

[chels55]

So I have missed details, I was not snooping through my partners phone at all that night, one of our children was watching something on it up the table and I see a text come through. I just see a number and it very much out the ordinary as we never use text its only really WhatsApp. So I went on to it, this isn't because I didn't trust him at the time because we are very open with our phones and we are don't hide things from one another, we never have done. I feel like I new it was escort because this woman said "I'm around next Friday and a postcode' when I typed in the post it was the location he was the week before. When I typed her number in google a page came up of a recent client of hers giving a review and it was of her page, I clicked the page and there was her name and pictures and her number, the one that text my partner. I left the house with our children as I was super upset but I took his phone with me. I contacted her to pretending to be him and she was replying to messages sorting a meet, I sent her a photo of my partner to see if she had the right person and was like 'remember me' and she said 'ahh yess (another mans name) so he obviously used a different name. that's how I spoke to her, because I then exposed myself and I told her it was me she then said she didn't want to get involved. I then explained that I am 8 months pregnant with his 3rd baby and I feel she felt sorry for me and rung me. She began to explain that she never normally does this but under the circumstances she felt she had to. she said he never went through with anything and felt uncomfortable and walked out.
I went on to send her three different photos to double check she had the right man and she kept saying 'yes I think that's him' which wasn't confident enough for me which I said to her and then she replied' yes its him'. So yes I did dig and that's when I went on google search history, I honestly didn't even know you can go so far back with search history as I have never had to do something like that before, my partner and I are so open with each other. Thats when I found the searches for escorts. 
Yes we have sat down to discuss this, but I feel insulted because he just tells me the escort is wrong and that he may have rung her accidentally while snooping on her profile but he never went to her hotel room and he never paid her. He says its a coincidence and just bad luck. When I say I sent her photos of him and she says its him he says she's made a mistake. 
I feel if he would just say yes it was me and was honest I could try to move past this. No we are not married but we are engaged. I don't use the term fiancée as I feel like we've been engaged for so long now its silly. 

[LynneVicious]

Listen, if the story is true that he felt bad and didn’t go through with it, then she wouldn’t have bothered to text him to tell him she was in the area for another meetup. Makes no sense. 

He’s clearly lying. He’s seen her before, hence the text she sent him. And she’s lying by saying nothing happened because that’s her standard operating procedure. 

How you proceed is up to you, but to believe it’s all just a coincidence or a mistake is ridiculous. 

[BaileyB]

On 11/23/2021 at 4:53 PM, chels55 said:

It feels very off to me. 

I don’t believe either of them. 

The basic truth, he would not be visiting/communicating with an escort if he wanted to remain my husband. And when I have to talk to a prostitute to verify my husbands story… that is time to file for divorce for me. I agree - time to get an STD test and visit a lawyer. 

[chels55]

On 11/23/2021 at 11:13 PM, FMW said:

I wouldn't trust what either your partner or the escort said.  

Unfortunately it's hard to believe that he was only interested in porn, given what you wrote.  

I also find it highly suspicious that the escort would agree to talk to you in the first place.  She's in a business that depends on confidentiality and discretion.  Talking to a customer's partner and assuring them nothing happened just seems really odd.  

My ex husband had a history with escorts, and I spent way too much time following up on the evidence trails he carelessly left.  No one ever gave me any information whatsoever.  It was a humiliating experience and one that admittedly gives me a strong bias against being able to believe something like this is just a mistake or coincidence. 

It's a really tough situation, especially with children involved.  But don't sweep this under the rug.  

I think the escort only spoke with me because I took my partners phone. I replied pretending to be him for a while. She didn't seem to know him to be honest, it wasn't until I sent a photo of my partner and she said 'oh (fake name) from last week' I then sent a voice note to her explaining I'm pregnant with his third baby and demand answers. She then rung me, explaining. its a very tough situation and I feel so humiliated and sick. I also feel insulted because its there in front of me and I'm still being told its a coincidence. 

 

[chels55]

On 11/23/2021 at 11:54 PM, Foxhall said:

well you dont need anyone to tell you he's lying-but nonetheless Im going to say dont be too harsh on him

 

over 12 years together things can go a bit mundane and he is looking for a little spark away from home,

every man is entitled to one little fall from grace - was it JR in Dallas used to say that back in the day,

He still loves you I am sure and what the lady said about the guilty conscience that part is probably true,

look I know its hurtful, but look on it hes not gone off or left you for an other woman, he just looked for a brief encounter - rush of blood, bit of stress relief.

 

Hope yee can work through things and salvage the relationship.

 

 

 

Thank you just feeling very confused

[chels55]

On 11/24/2021 at 12:31 AM, elaine567 said:

Really????

Likely  no and no...
The escort I guess tells every wife/gf the same story... if any contact her.  Nothing happened.
Yeah right.

OP get tested right away for STIs.
If he is regularly away for work commitments then this won't be the first time, it is only the first time YOU know about.

See I thought if she was going to talk to me she would just tell the truth, reason being it is her job. Every one knows what an escort is there to do/why people go to them. Maybe that is me being naive. Yes I will get tested, thank you.

[chels55]

11 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

Listen, if the story is true that he felt bad and didn’t go through with it, then she wouldn’t have bothered to text him to tell him she was in the area for another meetup. Makes no sense. 

He’s clearly lying. He’s seen her before, hence the text she sent him. And she’s lying by saying nothing happened because that’s her standard operating procedure. 

How you proceed is up to you, but to believe it’s all just a coincidence or a mistake is ridiculous. 

This is exactly what I'm thinking. The call he made to her was a WhatsApp call, but she sent him a normal text. The City that she works is somewhere my partner doesn't go, that was his first time so I wouldn't say he is a regular and has met her before but I think prior to that text he must have gone to the hotel room even if he went through with it or not. 
Personally I feel if he would just say that to me I would in somewhat way feel better because right now I'm being told he never went to the room. he accidentally called whilst browsing and never lefty his room all night.