I kissed my best friends boyfriend! 😭

[Rover AK]

I [25f] had been with my bf/ex [23m] for 14 months. My best friend [25f] has been my best friend since we were in preschool, she’s been with her bf [25m] about 7 months.

 

It’s been a bit of an issue ever since she’s been with him because i really don’t like him! I know that you can’t tell someone and they have to see it for themselves but I just think she could do SO much better! He’s just one of those where everything’s a joke and he doesn’t take anything seriously, they have such different life experiences and he’s got about as much substance as a sheet of A4. But whatever, if she likes him as much as she says she does, then I need to lump it! 

I think, maybe I worry about her too much cause my own relationship was toxic!!! It’s taken me way to long to be able to say that! She’s the only person I’ve spoken about it too! My ex he is so controlling, so manipulative… he’s made me feel do so long that it’s all in my head, something wrong with me! I should never have stayed this long, but, I was head over heels for him. 🥺 A few days ago It came to a head. The first time he’s ever been properly physical. He grabbed me from behind and put his hands round my throat. I’ve never been so scared. I knew I needed to leave then or I wouldn’t, so I did! Walked out. Told him it’s over.

Called my best friend, who didn’t answer. Thought I’d walk to her flat. Knock on her door - 11pm, crying, shaking, absolutely state. 😭 Her bf answers, tells me it’s just him and the dog, I’d forgotten she was at her grandmas. I was leaving but near hysterical at this point, and he said ‘woaah come in and have a cuppa with me you donut’. 

 

I went in. I told him, in bits, what had just happened. He was FUMING, grabbed his keys straight away, was going round there, I’m telling him not to. I’d left, finally, I didn’t want him making it worse. He wasn’t listening and then I really shouted at him. “You don’t listen! You don’t think! You just do!” Shouting at him! 

He was really sweet. He came over, he gave me the biggest hug and whispered “okay okay, I’m listening, tell me what you want, why am I not going to put his hand in a blender” 

I talked to him for ages. I know through my friend that he’s grown up around a lot of domestic abuse/violence/drugs, I’ve never heard him speak about it before, but some of the things he said, I knew he ‘got it’. He gave me ice for my neck and a blanket. I don’t remember falling asleep, but I woke up at about 4am, and he was sat awake at the other end of the sofa watching tv with the sound down. He saw me wake up and just went “Shh go to sleep kid, your safe - I’ve got you”. ❤️‍🩹

I felt so bad for everything I’ve said to her about him. To sit up all night just to make me feel safe, I just felt horrible! I started to say that to him, and that I just worry about her, and he just cut us off and went “I think you think I don’t see it? That she’s too good for me! Of course I do! But you know one thing I also know, you get a lucky break - you hold on to it with everything you’ve got! She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me - don’t think I don’t know that’.

 

I went back to sleep. Woke up a bit later. He was getting ready for work and waiting for my best friend to get home. I was looking at my neck in the mirror, he put out his hand towards my face (I think he was gesturing  me to tilt my head up) and I - LOST MY MIND - I kissed him! 

For a split second! He jumped back! I don’t know what I was doing! I know everyone says ‘It meant nothing’ but it meant nothing!!!  I didn’t want to kiss him, I don’t fancy him! Even if I don’t think he’s so bad as I did, he’s really not my type! It was like some weird reflex and my brain took a second to catch up!

 

He really freaked out! I was BEGGING him to not tell her! Because it means nothing, but to her of course it’s going to mean something!! She is honestly one of the most important people in my life, I can’t tell you how close we are, close our family’s are, our relationship is so important to me!! 🥺

And now I’m just, oh I’m so stressed! He hasn’t said anything (yet!! I’m still not 100% sure that he won’t! ..He doesn’t want to look shady). I don’t know why I did that, it’s so stupid!! And now I feel so guilty, because ever since she walked through the door that morning she’s been so nice to me and supportive and the great friend that she is and… I feel like an awful person!😭 Advice???