Deteriorating Circumstances

[Twisted Up]

I've been more or less happily married for 20+ years.  Much more happy than less. Two grown children. 

My wife and I both come from a long line of alcoholics.  I became one myself gradually, over the years. Started with a beer only with friends, only once or twice a month. Eventually drinking every day and could not stop. I found an addiction counselor who was fantastic. He got me off the booze in four visits to him. 

My wife, she was never as hard of a drinker as I was, when I was at my worst. Not even close. But she is a daily drinker. Getting worse all the time. Of course. As anyone familiar with how alcoholism works knows, it just gets worse, gradually, over time. 

She is not as bad as me in other ways either. Like when I was drunk, I'd be very obnoxious, even borderline abusive, verbally. She is obnoxious but not as bad. She is verbally abusive but again, not nearly as bad as I was. 

My problem is, when she is drinking, I feel like joining the "party." lol.  It makes me weak and I do relapse.  It is most often when she is gone for a while and comes back. Her father is dying and she goes to stay with him for stretches of time. She is hours away for weeks at a time. When she is gone there is no urge in me to drink. When she comes back, drinking like a longshoreman (No offense guys) I tend to want to drink too. And then I do. Which is not good. 

She can probably keep drinking like this for another 10 years before she gets to the point where I am now. That is where every drinking episode does so much permanent damage that you feel it right away. 

I have to stop drinking. I know that.  If I don't, it will probably not kill me but it will make me a shell of my current self. Heck, I'm currently a shell of my former self right now and it can only go down hill from here. 

I've talked to her about this. Her response is to say she will quit and then she tries to hide it as much as possible with absolutely no effort at actually quitting. 

I've been on LS long enough to know what some of you are going to say. "Why are you posting? What do you want us to say? How can we help?" I don't know. I'm just throwing this out for consideration and discussion.

Maybe I should divorce her and cut all contact as much as possible. Die alone and lonely without the most important person to me ever. At least I won't die a drunken mess.  

Edited November 24, 2021 by Twisted Up

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear how things have been.

You know, deep down, that as long as you are spending time in her company you are at risk of drinking yourself ill.

Do you go to AA, because you seem to need extra support to stay away from her?

It’s very tough. It must feel like you are losing a prop in your life (alcohol) and the woman you love too. Sadly, the woman you love will drag you down with her.

You can tell your ex she needs to give up drink or you cannot see her. I am not sure what kind of ‘excellent’ therapist would encourage you to keep in touch with a problem drinker. It seems something was missing from the therapy there.

I know it’s easy for me to say this when it is all pain for you. I think you need that extra, ongoing support from AA or a good alcohol counsellor to support you in avoiding people who will drag you down again. At the moment, you seem to see her as your only solace. Is this the case or are you drawn back to her because of the urge to have alcohol?

Edited December 8, 2021 by spiderowl

[stillafool]

Some people have to remove themselves from partners who are still drinking in order to maintain their sobriety.  You may have to give your wife up to preserve your health.  Have you thought about that?  A step towards separation and divorce may shake your wife to actually go to AA.

[glows]

On 11/24/2021 at 2:08 PM, Twisted Up said:

Maybe I should divorce her and cut all contact as much as possible. Die alone and lonely without the most important person to me ever. At least I won't die a drunken mess.  

One step at a time. Seek help for yourself to remain sober and follow the advice given by your doctors and support team. If that means losing the marriage, then do what you have to do for yourself. It doesn't mean you love your wife any less but you'll have to try that much harder to work on yourself because you care about someone else too. 

If you don't like who you are now and are on a path you don't want to be on, you have to change. Do it anyway and take the chance. Seize that chance and get out of this, move on with your health in mind. 

[Els]

I'm not sure if your main concern is your wife's excessive drinking, or the fact that you think your relapse is connected to her drinking.

If it's the latter, I don't think it's fair to pin it all on her. Unless she's literally twisting your arm behind your back, your choice to drink is YOUR choice. You have to be able to stay on the straight and narrow regardless of what other people are doing. Divorcing her isn't going to help if all it takes for you to relapse is to "see" someone drinking. Do you not go to restaurants or bars?

If it's the former, that's a valid concern. Is she open to going to therapy?

Edited December 8, 2021 by Elswyth

[vla1120]

I think part of overcoming alcoholism is being able to be in the presence of drinkers, but having the strength to refrain from drinking yourself. Otherwise, you haven't really kicked the habit, you've just removed the temptation. You should be going to AA meetings regularly. Encourage your wife to stop drinking and go to AA with you. 

If you have a strong marriage, as you've indicated, I don't see any reason why you should have to get divorced. You can both work through this, together. Tell her that lying to you about quitting, and hiding it from you, are not helping the situation. She needs to go all in - with you. Best of luck.

 

[Twisted Up]

On 12/8/2021 at 12:47 AM, spiderowl said:

Sorry to hear how things have been.

You know, deep down, that as long as you are spending time in her company you are at risk of drinking yourself ill.

Do you go to AA, because you seem to need extra support to stay away from her?

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I tried AA. It was so religious I thought I was in a church service. 

It’s very tough. It must feel like you are losing a prop in your life (alcohol) and the woman you love too. Sadly, the woman you love will drag you down with her.

You can tell your ex she needs to give up drink or you cannot see her. I am not sure what kind of ‘excellent’ therapist would encourage you to keep in touch with a problem drinker. It seems something was missing from the therapy there.

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The therapist dealt with my problem. He didn't tell me to stay with her or not. When I first quit, it wasn't a problem that she was drinking. When it did become a problem, the therapist relationship was over. 

I know it’s easy for me to say this when it is all pain for you. I think you need that extra, ongoing support from AA or a good alcohol counsellor to support you in avoiding people who will drag you down again. At the moment, you seem to see her as your only solace. Is this the case or are you drawn back to her because of the urge to have alcohol?

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I'm just like a lot of men my age. Devoted my adult life to work, for wife and kids. My only really close human contacts are the wife and kids. I have casual friends but no really close friends, like I did before I was married. My kids are grown. So my wife is my only friend really.   

 

 

On 12/8/2021 at 11:22 AM, Elswyth said:

I'm not sure if your main concern is your wife's excessive drinking, or the fact that you think your relapse is connected to her drinking.

If it's the latter, I don't think it's fair to pin it all on her.

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I could not agree more. I should be able to be around her and not drink. Mostly I can. 

Unless she's literally twisting your arm behind your back, your choice to drink is YOUR choice. You have to be able to stay on the straight and narrow regardless of what other people are doing. Divorcing her isn't going to help if all it takes for you to relapse is to "see" someone drinking. Do you not go to restaurants or bars?

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No, I don't. Never have since I was in my 20's and single. She doesn't so I don't. 

I don't have a lot of sources of temptation other than her. Otherwise I'd probably relapse more often. 

I play sports where the guys drink and when there is a work event or the odd social event that I go to where people are drinking, I sure do feel tempted. It is easier to resist though, these one off kind of things. Seeing her drinking EVERY night is what is really challenging. 

If it's the former, that's a valid concern. Is she open to going to therapy?

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She is not open to therapy for herself.  She does not encourage me to drink. Most of the time she tells me how amazing I am for being able to not drink, for long periods of time. Once in a very long time, she will make some indication that she wants me to drink with her. That is really rare though and  it isn't overt pressuring. However, it never fails. If I feel she is anything less than supportive of my sobriety, I join the party. 

 

 

On 12/8/2021 at 1:26 PM, vla1120 said:

I think part of overcoming alcoholism is being able to be in the presence of drinkers, but having the strength to refrain from drinking yourself.

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I agree. I'm just not there. Not sure I can get there. I may just have to avoid temptation. That may be the best I can do. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

You both need to see your respective physicians for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be frank about the drinking. In fact  blood tests will show your liver is hanging by a thread. 

Alcohol is toxic to your nerves heart and of course liver. You're probably already having bouts of ED. 

Google "Wernicke's encephalitis" if you want to know what it's doing to your mind.

Unless both of you get into serious detox and rehab, you can expect a lot of significant health and legal problems.

Stop blaming your wife for your drinking. You're far from sober.

[vla1120]

14 hours ago, Twisted Up said:

On 12/8/2021 at 1:26 PM, vla1120 said:

I think part of overcoming alcoholism is being able to be in the presence of drinkers, but having the strength to refrain from drinking yourself.

Quote

I agree. I'm just not there. Not sure I can get there. I may just have to avoid temptation. That may be the best I can do. 

You're right. Especially in the beginning, you have to isolate yourself from that temptation. Your wife should be supportive of your endeavors and should be taking steps to curb her own alcohol problems. If she is not going to support you on this journey, then I think you do need to make a decision about removing yourself from the situation so that you can work on getting sober yourself. I am sorry she does not see this for herself (but then, she wouldn't if she also has a drinking problem.)

[Twisted Up]

On 12/10/2021 at 6:08 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You both need to see your respective physicians for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be frank about the drinking. In fact  blood tests will show your liver is hanging by a thread. 

Alcohol is toxic to your nerves heart and of course liver. You're probably already having bouts of ED. 

Google "Wernicke's encephalitis" if you want to know what it's doing to your mind.

Unless both of you get into serious detox and rehab, you can expect a lot of significant health and legal problems.

Stop blaming your wife for your drinking. You're far from sober.

My heart is fine. I run almost everyday and frequently race. Placing in the top 3 of my age class. I have regular blood tests, my liver is completely normal. I've never had a DWI. 

I want to quit before I get to these issues. I can certainly see them coming if I don't.

Yes, I'm only sometimes sober. More often than not the last 5 years. But when I'm not, wow. Its a really bad thing. 

My wife is a temptation. Not a cause. I can see that. I even welcome it at times: What? A half a bottle of wine sitting on the countertop? Hmmm......

She usually hides it and claims she is not drinking but then sometimes she gets sloppy. 

[Wiseman2]

Watch the film 🎥 "Days Of Wine And Roses" . It's about two alcoholics who destroy themselves and each other.

[Harry Korsnes]

Hmmm?

Do you love her? If you divorce her will that help? 

If so seek help, there is a saying, this is above your pay grade.