Heading into the holidays after a break up (wlw)

[shelters]

My live in girlfriend and I broke up a couple of months ago. We had been fighting for a while. I had a problem with how she drank everyday. She had a problem with me not committing fully with both of my feet in the relationship. In the end, my girlfriend cheated with a friend of hers, then immediately left me for this friend of hers. My ex now lives with this person, they are in a relationship together, and I’m the one left in the house that we once shared. This has all happened in a span of a couple of months. I’m having a hard time moving on because it all happened so fast that a part of me is still in denial. All the pics of the two of them going out on dates nights looking so in love isn’t helping my heartache, but since she and I were friends for 10 years before we ever turned romantic, the suggestion of unfriending her online seems extreme given our long history of being friends. I know the stereotype that lesbian relationships move fast, but damn. It feels like I was plucked out of the “couple” and this new woman was inserted in my place. 

How are some of you self-caring as you head into this holiday season? I don’t have many friends and will be alone for the holidays. 💔

[Carlon]

She cheated on you and left you for the chick she had sex with.

Your thinking is so muddled so you can't see it right now but given the circumstances defriending her on social media isn't extreme.

Lots of people jump from one relationship to the next without much of a break if any, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with their preferred gender.

 

[glows]

You may not be able to delete her right away but at least stop looking at social media or take her off your feed or updates. Break ups are hard. Why did she think that you weren't fully committed?

[shelters]

I’ve taken her off of my feeds, but I still end up checking her page, which I know I shouldn’t do as it only hurts. I guess when I’m fully ready to let go, I’ll go the unfriending her route. We have mutual friends, which makes the break up messier than I’ve ever experienced (this is the first friendship turned romantic experience for me).

She thought I wasn’t fully committed because I wasn’t. I was so caught up in being turned off by her drinking that I took for granted the positive things she brought to the table. I look past her cheating, and leaving, because some part of me is taking the full blame. I’m trying to stop beating myself up and move on, but since we lived together for a few years, she was so intertwined in my life. It feels more like going through a divorce. She finally has all of her stuff out of the house, which took her all the way til 2 weeks ago to finally do.

[glows]

Then it's a very chaotic time right now. Let the dust settle and give yourself some breathing room. It's too soon to make any other decisions. It sounds like you both have dealt with severing ties and the day-to-day pragmatic issues. Keep working on severing any other ties, financially, other household bills and accounts and strive for some privacy and autonomy for yourself. Lean on friends for support. You don't need many. Even one good friend can be a gem and all you need.

I think you have closed a chapter that needed to close. When you say drinking and cheating those aren't small issues. Personally, I turned to journaling during a rough time. The entries got shorter and shorter and less frequent over time. You may find it helps with a restless mind or overactive mind, especially at night, as it helped me. Breathing exercises help too. Avoid any self-destructive habits, as tempting as they are and too much sugar or caffeine. What I did was mostly more of what I love to do - journal, gardening and some landscaping, work, cook, housework, outdoor activities, roadtrips and finished some schooling on the side. However now that it's winter and I finished my program, I have a lot of time. Winter is peaceful. I am lucky that I have close family ties also and there is never a weekend I don't see someone or other in my family or they come over. Maybe this is a good opportunity for you too to reach out to friends and family. 

 

 

 

[shelters]

I think I’ll try the journaling suggestion, thank you. I don’t have many friends and the few that I do are mutual friends of my ex, so I don’t feel comfortable fully opening up to them. Mornings are the hardest, like now. Most days I wake up sick to my stomach with anxiety. Then I tend to check her social media to see if there are new pics of the two of them together. How do I get myself to have the will power to not check her social media?

It’s such an awful thing to have lost not just my partner, but she was also my best friend and confidant. I spend most of my time now at home while she’s out living her best life. It’s hard to go out in public when I’m feeling this sad.

[glows]

Do something else. When you feel yourself reach over for your phone in a need to check, simply do not do it. Do something else. I swim and run. Physically taking myself out of the usual routine helped me a lot. Not only does it raise your endorphins and helps you feel more positive overall, it redirects all that energy some place else. Keep repeating another routine and over a short period of time you won't feel the need to check as strongly or contact her. Just sitting there and trying to break certain habits is not easy! Find something else to engage in. 

 

[shelters]

Thank you. I can’t wait for the upcoming holiday season to be behind us.