She wants space... Your opinion

[mlchris2]

My wife told me over a month ago, she wanted divorce (a few things happened, she warned me, I tried talking to her about it, no compromise... and now she said she's through). We seperated and Im playing mr nice guy.

 

Well she told me to give her time. Well in month since seperation, I have tried my very best to leave her alone. When I have a concern, I would ask her and it would piss her off. Long story short.... she is now so mad at me that she now says its over for good.

 

so I tell her to get it over with, if she's not willing to work through our problems. She hasnt talked to a lawyer or even got the paperwork for divorce. I feel that if she really wanted it over, she would have done so by now.

 

I want your opinion.....

 

Do you think time is all she needs to gather her thoughts or did I ruin it by not leaving her alone the first time?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly? I'd contact a lawyer if I were you to get that divorce lined up, and arrange to hire a PI to see what it going on. Chances are, she is having an affair and doesn't necessarily want out of the marriage, but wants you out of the picture while this other guy happens to be around. May as well find that out for sure, and eliminate the guesswork and uncertainties.

[cranium]

I agree with LucreziaBorgia; chances are she is having an A. MW asked for a separation and denied there was anyone else.

 

I wouldn't go for it and got us in counseling instead. A few months into MC, I discovered what was really going on with her and OM.

[mlchris2]

I spoke to a lawyer about my situation. I am strictly using him for coaching (right now).

 

I asked her if there was another man, but she always says "Would you like me to say there is? Would you like me to say I bring home random guys and F their brains out?", instead of just "No...".

 

So you all think she's playing games and if she really wanted a divorce she would have put forth more effort?

 

hmmm... now the wheels in my head are spinning.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If she was sure she wanted a divorce, she'd have served you by now. I think what is going on is that she is seeing someone else and isn't sure of a future with him and is keeping the marriage as a fallback plan for when the affair is over.

 

You can ask her point blank if she is seeing other guys, and you won't get the truth. She will only admit to what she thinks you already know, and even then it will only be when you confront her with solid proof. Even when faced with solid proof she will only give as much of the truth as she thinks she can get away with telling you. That is - she'll give you a sliver of what will generally prove to be a substantial iceberg.

 

What did your lawyer say about the situation? Does he/she think a PI is in order? If you get a PI and find something (and even if you don't) I think you should knock her ass off the fence and present her with signed divorce papers and demand she either sign them and set you free or agree to go 'no contact' with OM (if there is one) and attends regular marriage counseling with you. She is either going to work on fixing this, or she is going to walk away from it. Do not give her any other choice. If she is wishy washy, ask her to move out of your home if she cannot commit to making a decision about the marriage.

[Ladyjane14]

Honestly, I don't know HOW you guys end up getting manipulated into leaving the home. In most states, the law doesn't require that you respond to being "kicked out" by actually leaving the premises.

 

In theory, she could gnash her teeth all she wanted, she could throw your shirts out onto the lawn, but she couldn't make you leave. As long as you keep your hands to yourself, and give her no cause to call the cops.....all she can do is to leave the home on her own. She can't even take the kids with her if you don't give your permission.

 

If there's no LEGAL means in which she can enforce your eviction....then why not just go home? (Check it out with a family law attorney if there are questions in your mind about the legality of doing so.)

 

Just because she WANTS you to go....doesn't mean that you have to. Her threats are bogus anyway. She is, in actuality, ALREADY ending the marriage. She's just stringing you along until you get used to the idea.

 

Your wife is apparently quite busy exploring her autonomy whilst not being accountable to you in regards to marital committment. She may want a divorce, and she may sue you for divorce, and she may in fact receive one. But until a judge orders you to leave....you are leaving of your own accord.

 

The request for "space" is usually pretty bogus. It's mostly made in the desire to remove your partner's 'watchful eye' from your activities. There's not usually alot of time spent in contemplation of the relationship, regardless of protestations to the contrary. Otherwise, you'd be seeing some kind of progress, and currently you're only seeing further division.

 

Trial separation is mostly about extricating yourself from a relationship that you no longer want. It's a particularly handy method for getting your STBX thoroughly accustomed to the idea of PERMANENT separation without slapping him upside the head with it.

[mlchris2]

this is all good advice and im taking it just as that.

 

Its hard because I dont know which way is up and which way is down anymore.

 

i forgot to ask my attorney a few questions (had only 1 hour) and the PI was one of them.

 

I feel that she is hiding something, any time I ask her about who this person was that was at the apt or whats going on, she asks me what I want to here.

 

I think I will give it another month, if there is no progress on her part, the I am going to do just as you suggested. Get the papers filed and demand a few things and see what she does.

[ohiophatboy]

I found this when I thought my wife was cheating on me and she was after looking more deeply into it.

 

Cheating Spouse:46 Clues Your Partner isHaving an Affairby Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity CoachSome of these are "tongue in cheek" while others are tell tale signs that commonly appear when someone is having an affair. There is no copyright. Feel free to forward to those who might be interested.

1) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you've had a vasectomy.

2) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)

3) He stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.

4) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it.

5) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.

6) She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program.

7) She buys a cell phone and doesn't let you know.

8) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office.

9) He carries condoms, and you are on the pill.10) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.

11) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.

12) He becomes "accusatory," asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.

13) Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?"

14) He buys himself new underwear.

15) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.16) She stops wearing her wedding ring.

17) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.

18) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.19) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.

20) He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you.

21) He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often.

22) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.

23) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.

24) You find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work - but supposedly worked on those days.

25) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.

26) Spouse's coworkers are uncomfortable in your presence.

27) Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.

28) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.

29) He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress's house and had to eat the dinner I prepared when he got home.

30) Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously.

31) His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You see lipstick on your husband's shirt.

32) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off.

33) You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse.

34) Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is "touchy" and easily moved to anger.

35) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice.

36) He/she loses attention in the activities in the home.

37) Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.

38) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home.

39) She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.

40) She has a "glow" about her.

41) Atypical erratic behavior.

42) He sneaks out of the house.

43) She sleeps with her purse by the bed (this was a big one for me I found all the answers inside her purse)

44) She goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.

45) He tells you can get hold of him at a different telephone number.

46) The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place. Don't know if this helps but I hope it does

[overtaxed73]

I'm pretty close to the same boat you're in and looking for the same answers. After reviewing that list I don't know if I need any answers though. Anyway, just to let you know, you're not the only one going through this. However, when my wife told me about a month ago that she's not happy and wants a separation to "think things over" I told her that I wasn't leaving and if she wanted this time apart, she needed to find a new place, there is a child involved though. I personally think she just doesn't want me to interfere with whatever it is she's doing. Separation appears to me to be a time for the individual initiating the divorce to test this new found attraction and see if it's worth leaving the marriage for, as in "is the grass really greener?"

[mlchris2]

Yea... things are going from bad to destructive now.

 

If I would have know more and exactly how she felt, I wouldnt have moved out. I moved out becuase space is what she wanted and we would work through it.

 

 

this situation sucks.... thats for damn sure.