My Husband took off wedding band

[MaróTierra]

He said he is tired of me being mean to his children( my stepkids). His older son has expressed to him that when he becomes a father he would always make his kids  a priority and not abandoned them like he did. For the last 8 years my husband has been going in an out of court because the mother has always taking him to court to gain full custody. Well it wasn't until the 17 year old lied in court, made me look like a despicable person. He also spoke ill of his own father. That the judge reduced the visitation time to from 50% to  10%. There hasn't been any domestic violence or DUI or CPS Or anything criminal. She is a scorn woman. Today I told my stepson to turn down the speaker,  I have two babies under 3 years old that were sleeping. He didn't listen so I told my husband to tell him. He got so angry at me and told me i always make a problem when his children are here. He says he feel selfish for being married and not putting his kids first(HELLO!!!! WHAT ABOUT THE TWO BABIES WE HAVE TOGETHER?????). He yelled at me took off his wedding band threw it on the floor.  We have been together for 8 years. I feel my husband, my stepson's mother, and my stepson are all in the same page. "I am the problem". "I am mean to their kids". This makes my blood boil.! Honestly I am not mean to his kids. Only the oldest doesn't like me because the mother has put things on his head and told him that his father left them because of me! The youngest child likes me he even wrote me a note and a drawing saying I love you! My husband is letting him manipulate him. My family is being torn apart and today is the beginning of the end!!! I'm heartbroken! My daughters will be raised in a broken family! 

 

[elaine567]

Being the second wife is often a  difficult place to be.
Seems like he is choosing his first born children over the others and that is sometimes just how it is unfortunately.
Would any agree to go to family counselling?
Seems it has gone too far to sort all this out by yourselves...

[MaróTierra]

He has no interest in therapy. I guess he chooses his first born children I'm going to accept that fact and give my daughters the best life I can. I also grew up without a father and this just hurts me. I'm very heartbroken. 

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Being the second wife is often a  difficult place to be.
Seems like he is choosing his first born children over the others and that is sometimes just how it is unfortunately.
Would any agree to go to family counselling?
Seems it has gone too far to sort all this out by yourselves...

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Your husband is the problem. He is creating drama and being divisive. He's using the son as a pawn in his combat with the mother and you.

He can't just throw his ring down.

Calm down and consult an attorney to review your options in divorce. Do not tell him.

Take care of yourself and your children. Disengage from the 17 yo. He clearly wanted to get away from the father. 

Was he as abusive to his ex as he is to you?

[glows]

Your husband seems to carry some guilt and has a problem reconciling with his past. Why is that? Is anything of what is said true? Did he leave his first wife to be with you? I find it odd that you mentioned about your daughters potentially being raised in a broken family yet have you considered your step children also coming from a "broken" family? The term is negative as it implies the situation is incomplete or needs to be fixed and his children from another marriage are defective. That could be some of your past childhood and resentment coming into play. You're a blended family, not broken, although it may feel like it at times because of so much dysfunction. You seem set that he's "choosing" his first born children but this is resentment that's coming from you based on the situation and the way things are now. 

Frankly, it sounds like he's equally upset at your anger or negativity and is trying to keep the peace (not in a great way). 

He took the ring off in a passive aggressive way to make you more upset because he knows the marriage must mean a great deal to you. That would be hurtful in any scenario for most people. 

Are you thinking about divorce or are you wanting to work on the marriage? If it's the latter both of you have to lay your resentments aside. The saddest part about this is the kids seeing so much fighting and disagreement.

 

 

[MaróTierra]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Your husband seems to carry some guilt and has a problem reconciling with his past. Why is that? Is anything of what is said true? Did he leave his first wife to be with you? I find it odd that you mentioned about your daughters potentially being raised in a broken family yet have you considered your step children also coming from a "broken" family? The term is negative as it implies the situation is incomplete or needs to be fixed and his children from another marriage are defective. That could be some of your past childhood and resentment coming into play. You're a blended family, not broken, although it may feel like it at times because of so much dysfunction. You seem set that he's "choosing" his first born children but this is resentment that's coming from you based on the situation and the way things are now. 

Frankly, it sounds like he's equally upset at your anger or negativity and is trying to keep the peace (not in a great way). 

He took the ring off in a passive aggressive way to make you more upset because he knows the marriage must mean a great deal to you. That would be hurtful in any scenario for most people. 

Are you thinking about divorce or are you wanting to work on the marriage? If it's the latter both of you have to lay your resentments aside. The saddest part about this is the kids seeing so much fighting and disagreement.

 

 

Not it is not true..

 When I meet him they were separated for over a year 

[mark clemson]

I think you should consider insisting on counseling. Maybe the claims of being mean are completely fake; but - maybe you are not fully aware of how things you are saying or doing are being perceived? Either way, sometimes it helps to have a 3rd person to "referee" your interactions, so you can talk things through sensibly and in a more balanced way.

IF you are able to convince him successfully, consider getting a very experienced counselor who genuinely specializes in couples counseling. Also IF you don't like the therapist don't hesitate to find a better one - a small % are weirdos or have their own agendas that they push.

GL...

[MaróTierra]

• On 11/25/2021 at 7:55 PM, mark clemson said:

  • I think you should consider insisting on counseling. Maybe the claims of being mean are completely fake; but - maybe you are not fully aware of how things you are saying or doing are being perceived? Either way, sometimes it helps to have a 3rd person to "referee" your interactions, so you can talk things through sensibly and in a more balanced way.
  • IF you are able to convince him successfully, consider getting a very experienced counselor who genuinely specializes in couples counseling. Also IF you don't like the therapist don't hesitate to find a better one - a small % are weirdos or have their own agendas that they push.
  • GL...

Update: so he said sorry for throwing my ring on the floor. 

We have yet another issue with his son. His son told my husband that I talked bad about him. And that it's disgusting that  My niece who comes over became friends with my stepson,  so I warn her about him being a lier and untrustworthy, because she likes him and I also told her, he had a girlfriend. My niece told my stepson what I had told her about him. My stepson went and told my husband about it.. My husband yelled at me saying I shouldn't be talking bad about his son that, we argued, he says  I'm an unreasonable person and a mean step mom, he is a child and I'm the grown and I should act like it. I'm so sick of this situation. 

[Carlon]

1 hour ago, MaróTierra said:

•  My niece who comes over became friends with my stepson,  so I warn her about him being a lier and untrustworthy, because she likes him and I also told her, he had a girlfriend. My niece told my stepson what I had told her about him. My stepson went and told my husband about it.. My husband yelled at me saying I shouldn't be talking bad about his son that, we argued, he says  I'm an unreasonable person and a mean step mom, he is a child and I'm the grown and I should act like it. I'm so sick of this situation. 

Bad mistake, bad judgment on your part, just a terrible, horrible thing to say and it's clear you are at least partially if not mostly responsible for this dysfunctional situation

You had no business whatsoever telling the niece all those negative things about your stepson, and it came back to bite you.

Learn when to keep your mouth shut and things just might improve somewhat.

[MaróTierra]

Are you serious?

It's true, all I said was true. My niece also told me my step son told her that his father abandoned him and their mother to be with me. Which is not true.

I really don't think I did nothing wrong. I have kept my mouth shut for just way too long. 

Edited December 1, 2021 by MaróTierra
Add

[mark clemson]

Well if the son is making up lies about you I can see how that could be very frustrating/upsetting.

Assuming that read on the situation is accurate, hopefully you can figure out a way to get the son to cut this out. A person shouldn't have to choose between the love of their children and the love of a new spouse, but sometimes that how it is and the son seems to be putting his dad in that situation, unfortunately.

[Carlon]

6 minutes ago, MaróTierra said:

Are you serious?

It's true, all I said was true. I really don't think I did nothing wrong. I have kept my mouth shut for just way too long. 

What did you expect to accomplish by telling the niece that the stepson is a liar?

 

[MaróTierra]

To be careful with him, she is my family. Luckily she found out first hand, my niece told me that he denied ever telling his father anything. I even showed her a screenshot of the text message she send to him. 

[Carlon]

Of course he denied it. He's a child and doesn't want to get in trouble!

You're the adult, you need to act like it.

Your niece can figure it out for herself.

I don't think you were protecting her as much as you were getting some satisfaction out of badmouthing him, and it cost you.

[MaróTierra]

My stepson is just like his mother. He is 17 years old I've known him for 8 years now. He is becoming more manipulative as he gets older. He is being feed lies. If they want to stay over and extra day, the mother don't allow it, the reason is because, "I supposedly called the mother  angry to Tell her, to take her children that I dont Want them there unless there visitations right" lead my step son to belive all this lies then in turn he gets back at Me and feeds his father my husband's lies about how I supposedly treat them. Also my Husband asks me everything they come over? Why did you turned off the internet? 

Why didn't you offered food to my kids? All of this is not true!he lies to his father that I treat him unfair! 

[MaróTierra]

8 minutes ago, Carlon said:

Of course he denied it. He's a child and doesn't want to get in trouble!

You're the adult, you need to act like it.

Your niece can figure it out for herself.

I don't think you were protecting her as much as you were getting some satisfaction out of badmouthing him, and it cost you.

I know I'm an adult and my husband is also an adult who can discipline his child and give him concequences, tell him lying is bad, talking bad about me (im his wife) is wrong talking bad about his father is  wrong. My husband should Telling the mother to stop telling the child lies about how they ended up divorce, an aslo to tell her not to talk bad about me! My husband doesn't respect me! 

[Carlon]

Just now, MaróTierra said:

My husband doesn't respect me! 

And he probably never will. Especially if you're going around telling people his son is a liar.

 

[MaróTierra]

The truth hurts! If it were my son i would tell him you know you lie I've caught you in many lies. Be an honest person or being an adult (which is just around the corner by the way) will make your life difficult. But that all he is seeing in his house. 

The reason the judge cut down visitation from 50% to 10% is because he told the judge lies about me and even his won father. So there you go! He didn't get any consequences from that. He's a spoiled brat. 

[MaróTierra]

5 minutes ago, Carlon said:

And he probably never will. Especially if you're going around telling people his son is a liar.

 

 

28 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Well if the son is making up lies about you I can see how that could be very frustrating/upsetting.

Assuming that read on the situation is accurate, hopefully you can figure out a way to get the son to cut this out. A person shouldn't have to choose between the love of their children and the love of a new spouse, but sometimes that how it is and the son seems to be putting his dad in that situation, unfortunately.

I'm not a new spouse I've been with him for 8 years! We have been dealing with this issue for a long time! Hoping it will get better, but I'm at a point where yes I probably should be talking bad about anybody but this kid is such a brat that I feel he deserves it. Plus it's true! 

[Carlon]

2 minutes ago, MaróTierra said:

yes I probably should be talking bad about anybody but this kid is such a brat that I feel he deserves it. Plus it's true! 

With this sort of attitude things will only go from bad to worse.

 

[MaróTierra]

Just now, Carlon said:

With this sort of attitude things will only go from bad to worse.

 

I know! He will soon be an adult in less than a year. Then what?

[Carlon]

Well, his next birthday is nothing more than a milesone. It's not like things will suddenly be very different after he blows out the candle, and besides, the way things are rapidly deteriorating, you probably won't be around to find out.

[MaróTierra]

6 minutes ago, Carlon said:

Well, his next birthday is nothing more than a milesone. It's not like things will suddenly be very different after he blows out the candle, and besides, the way things are rapidly deteriorating, you probably won't be around to find out.

I do understand this 100% nothing will change when he turns 18. The lies will continue even though my husband tells me he doesn't believe him, the way he acts makes me believe he gives his son the benefit of the doubt and treats me badly because subconsciously he does belive is true. If our marriage ends because of this then so be it. It's a battle I will never win.  And that's ok.

[vla1120]

12 hours ago, MaróTierra said:

He is 17 years old I've known him for 8 years now.

That means he was 11 years old when you met him, a child. Based on what you said, his mother and father must have separated when he was 10. You started dating him before they were divorced. While there is no problem with that, perhaps she thought there was a chance at reconciliation and you threw a wrench into her plans. 

You cannot help what her mother says to him (and has been saying to him since he was 10 years old), BUT - you DO have a choice about how you interact with him. I suspect you've played a part in this division in the family, whether you want to admit it or not. 

If you do not want your young children to be from a "broken home", then I suggest you start therapy without your husband to learn your role in this situation. Then I would INSIST on him participating in therapy. He should bring his son into therapy, as well. 

Again, stop blaming his son. He was 11 years old when you met him. It sounds like his parents (at least his mother) made him a pawn in their game. Don't be party to that behavior. It's not too late to change the course of this situation. You should read about parent alienation syndrome. There IS treatment available for this and your husband should WANT to do everything he can to undo the parental alienation his ex-wife has instilled in her son. Be an advocate for him, not an enemy.

[MaróTierra]

8 hours ago, vla1120 said:

That means he was 11 years old when you met him, a child. Based on what you said, his mother and father must have separated when he was 10. You started dating him before they were divorced. While there is no problem with that, perhaps she thought there was a chance at reconciliation and you threw a wrench into her plans. 

You cannot help what her mother says to him (and has been saying to him since he was 10 years old), BUT - you DO have a choice about how you interact with him. I suspect you've played a part in this division in the family, whether you want to admit it or not. 

If you do not want your young children to be from a "broken home", then I suggest you start therapy without your husband to learn your role in this situation. Then I would INSIST on him participating in therapy. He should bring his son into therapy, as well. 

Again, stop blaming his son. He was 11 years old when you met him. It sounds like his parents (at least his mother) made him a pawn in their game. Don't be party to that behavior. It's not too late to change the course of this situation. You should read about parent alienation syndrome. There IS treatment available for this and your husband should WANT to do everything he can to undo the parental alienation his ex-wife has instilled in her son. Be an advocate for him, not an enemy.

s io

20 hours ago, Carlon said:

Well, his next birthday is nothing more than a milesone. It's not like things will suddenly be very different after he blows out the candle, and besides, the way things are rapidly deteriorating, you probably won't be around to find out.

 

I know i am responsible for part of it..but I swear... I have no reason to lie we don't know each other, I have only defended myself. I have been under attack by my stepson and his mother. My husband has just been sitting there watching everything go down and not say s*** to them! They both have talked so much crap about me even to him...

Now that I talked bad about my stepson everyone is up in arms I'm just sick of this situation. Honestly I don't know how to handled it. I will not say sorry or apologize to Noone! If we get divorced and if he doesn't have the balls to stand up to his spoiled brat of a son and the mother nothing will change! 

 

 

 

I do understand this 100% nothing will change when he turns 18. The lies will continue even though my husband tells me he doesn't believe him, the way he acts makes me believe he gives his son the benefit of the doubt and treats me badly because subconsciously he does belive is true. If our marriage ends because of this then so be it. It's a battle I will never win.  And that's ok.