My Husband took off wedding band

[MaróTierra]

1 minute ago, MaróTierra said:

Look that is not the problem! Money is not an issue here. My husband even gives the boy's extra money when they come over. He buys them clothes whatever. That's not the point! The judge made the decision based on lies! The mother doesn't work! 

So it was to her benefit! See what I mean?  

This is what I'm dealing with. This woman, my step sons mother is mean! For example she made my youngst stepson 7 at the time, wipe his own butt with his own little hand! SICK poor baby he trusted his father and confess to him.  My step son will always poop in his pants, not make it to the toilet and cry so much when I tried ti clean him or take him a shower. 

Listen the mother told the judge I would spank him and treat him badly which would make him be fearful and poop in his pants! The 17 year old about 14 at the time told the judge yes its true! I've seen her doing that and also my father would take part in it, and not stand up. 

That is just the tip of  iceberg! 

By the way my youngest son told him father months after the court. 

[MaróTierra]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is what bothers you? Leave the past in the past. The judge made a wise decision based on the boy's and the mother's wishes. That your cheapskate husband wanted to pay less child support as the only reason to subject his son to you and your marital chaos is something else to reflect on the how horrible things really are in your marriage and with your husband's poor character.

It's unclear why you are still complaining if the teen is hardly there now? Now you're complaining that your husband has to support his children? See a physician about the depression and anxiety so you can be the kind of parent you hope to be for your own children. You seem chronically angry and frustrated.

We have paid for lawyers and that's how he got 50% of time share and no child support. We can go an pay for more lawyers but if you have a child who would be on his mother side. Be influenced to talk s*** about his  own father and me,

Cry to the school teachers  of how badly he is being treated at his fathers house( oh yeah he did this too)  it doesn't matter how much you spend lawyers the judge will rule the same. Plus the mental affliction it's just too much to handle.

[Acacia98]

If it were possible to go back in time and make major decisions about your life again, it would have been best for you not to get involved with a man who was not yet divorced. If he had been divorced when you met him and if you had noticed he and his wife had this toxic dynamic, you would have done best to walk away.

Of course you can't do any of that now. And you find yourself in a situation where your stepson is acting out in ways that threaten to tear the family apart. I realize he has a problem. But the people who are most likely to have the knowledge and self-awareness to address the root causes of the problem are the adults in the situation: you, your husband, and his ex-wife. And yet none of you is doing the best that you can do to do so. 

Look, you can't control your husband's ex. Nor can you control him. But you can control your own choices and actions. They both seem determined to make bad decisions. Your husband sounds paralyzed by guilt. His passivity is doing nothing to help his son (who desperately needs counselling and someone to lovingly set boundaries and guidelines for him to follow). And assuming you're being honest about your husband's ex, she has some serious, deep-seated problems. So what are you going to do? Are you going to follow in the footsteps of your husband and his ex-wife, or are you going to take steps to protect your daughters from a chaotic family life?

Edited December 4, 2021 by Acacia98

[MaróTierra]

7 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

If it were possible to go back in time and make major decisions about your life again, it would have been best for you not to get involved with a man who was not yet divorced. If he had been divorced when you met him and if you had noticed he and his wife had this toxic dynamic, you would have done best to walk away.

Of course you can't do any of that now. And you find yourself in a situation where your stepson is acting out in ways that threaten to tear the family apart. I realize he has a problem. But the people who are most likely to have the knowledge and self-awareness to address the root causes of the problem are the adults in the situation: you, your husband, and his ex-wife. And yet none of you is doing the best that you can do to do so. 

Look, you can't control your husband's ex. Nor can you control him. But you can control your own choices and actions. They both seem determined to make bad decisions. Your husband sounds paralyzed by guilt. His passivity is doing nothing to help his son (who desperately needs counselling and someone to lovingly set boundaries and guidelines for him to follow). And assuming you're being honest about your husband's ex, she has some serious, deep-seated problems. So what are you going to do? Are you going to follow in the footsteps of your husband and his ex-wife, or are you going to take steps to protect your daughters from a chaotic family life?

Thank you so much for your opinion! He is paralyzed by guilt.i know!  I hope he realizes before our marriage ends! I've been too tolerant of this situation but once he becomes an adult I won't be so tolerant of him. If only my husband will trust me that I am not the mean irrational unreasonable step mom...the son is really making lies about me! I take care of them when they come over while he works. So every weekend there's something his son tell him says about me! He even texted him: "Your wife always make STUPID excuses for you to hold the baby when we are spending time together" Hello?? If Im making dinner for everyone and the baby is crying someone has to hold him! My Husband is constantly hearing bad thing about me from his son who he loves and respects he feels bad if he doesn't have his back! 

MY step son is supposed to clean his room before he leaves pick up his dishes and  cups, on one occasion I told him your son needs to come back and pick up his trash while they were still on the driveway He literally left food on the plates! Next time they visit is a week from that day.

So it will rot smell bad unless I pick it up. Why can't he do it he is old enough?

You know my husband's reply right in front of him? It's not your room don't worry about it ill clean it up myself later!!  He never even does chores around the house! And of he is willing to clean that up why can't he help around the house!???  I was furious! We argued again I didn't talk to him for a day! I'm sick of this situation! 

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, MaróTierra said:

 I'm sick of this situation! 

Go for individual counseling. At the very least, it will help you figure out what steps you need to take going forward and how to minimize the harm to the kids in the situation 

[vla1120]

On 12/4/2021 at 1:41 PM, MaróTierra said:

We have paid for lawyers and that's how he got 50% of time share and no child support. We can go an pay for more lawyers but if you have a child who would be on his mother side. Be influenced to talk s*** about his  own father and me,

Cry to the school teachers  of how badly he is being treated at his fathers house( oh yeah he did this too)  it doesn't matter how much you spend lawyers the judge will rule the same. Plus the mental affliction it's just too much to handle.

So, since the oldest son apparently has no desire to spend time with his father, why can't he just stay with his mother 100% of the time? Let the visitation be with the youngest son only. Over time, you will find out whether the mother has the same influence over him and turns him against the two of you as well. Also, since your husband does not seem to have the backbone to stand up to this ridiculousness and defend you (which is what he SHOULD be doing), perhaps it will take enough of the pressure off him that this will no longer put such a strain on your marriage. Has this possibility been discussed? Tried? If the oldest son has no access to you (or your husband) then he can no longer make up lies about you and report those lies to the court. 

[vla1120]

On 12/4/2021 at 6:35 PM, MaróTierra said:

MY step son is supposed to clean his room before he leaves pick up his dishes and  cups, on one occasion I told him your son needs to come back and pick up his trash while they were still on the driveway He literally left food on the plates! Next time they visit is a week from that day.

So it will rot smell bad unless I pick it up. Why can't he do it he is old enough?

You know my husband's reply right in front of him? It's not your room don't worry about it ill clean it up myself later!!  He never even does chores around the house! And of he is willing to clean that up why can't he help around the house!???  I was furious! We argued again I didn't talk to him for a day! I'm sick of this situation! 

New house rule - no food in the bedrooms. Period.

[MaróTierra]

49 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

So, since the oldest son apparently has no desire to spend time with his father, why can't he just stay with his mother 100% of the time? Let the visitation be with the youngest son only. Over time, you will find out whether the mother has the same influence over him and turns him against the two of you as well. Also, since your husband does not seem to have the backbone to stand up to this ridiculousness and defend you (which is what he SHOULD be doing), perhaps it will take enough of the pressure off him that this will no longer put such a strain on your marriage. Has this possibility been discussed? Tried? If the oldest son has no access to you (or your husband) then he can no longer make up lies about you and report those lies to the court. 

This is the issue! The problem is my husband, he feels guilty he is not able to spend much time with them he grows resentful towards me. Blaming me that I make things worst than they are already. I  angry and frustrated because he doesn't respect me! My stand will be once he becomes an adult, and my husband still put our marriage on the line. I will walk away! Someone on here said raising children with divorced parents  are better than living in unhappy marriages! 

I keep telling my husband I am not the problem I will not Apologize to anyone. If he had a different attitude like his younger brother everything will be different. But your 17 year old son is like his mother, she created a version of her!

[MaróTierra]

58 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

New house rule - no food in the bedrooms. Period.

This is our house rule, when I try to enforce it, I'm " the mean step mom who is bothered by everythingt my children do"  we had another argument and he disrespected me in front of him. So I pick my battles, Now when they leave I enforce it fearlessly because he doesn't come back for a 3-5 days later the food rots and i have to clean it up. I feel humiliated if i go in there an clean it

[vla1120]

17 minutes ago, MaróTierra said:

This is the issue! The problem is my husband, he feels guilty he is not able to spend much time with them he grows resentful towards me. Blaming me that I make things worst than they are already. I  angry and frustrated because he doesn't respect me! My stand will be once he becomes an adult, and my husband still put our marriage on the line. I will walk away! Someone on here said raising children with divorced parents  are better than living in unhappy marriages! 

I keep telling my husband I am not the problem I will not Apologize to anyone. If he had a different attitude like his younger brother everything will be different. But your 17 year old son is like his mother, she created a version of her!

Then your husband runs the risk of losing you and YOUR family you've created together. He needs to make a choice on whether he's going to continue to bend to the will of his son and lose his wife and daughters, or whether he's going to put his foot down and demand better behavior from his son. Depending on his choice, then you need to make a choice whether your marriage is worth saving, if this is going to continue to be the way things go. If you are really at the end of your rope, and therapy hasn't helped/won't help, give him the ultimatum that he either stands up for you, or he runs the risk of losing you. Do you have family in the area? Can someone take you in for a few days or a week? Let him find out how it is without you and the girls around the house every day and see if he comes to his senses.

10 minutes ago, MaróTierra said:

This is our house rule, when I try to enforce it, I'm " the mean step mom who is bothered by everythingt my children do"  we had another argument and he disrespected me in front of him. So I pick my battles, Now when they leave I enforce it fearlessly because he doesn't come back for a 3-5 days later the food rots and i have to clean it up. I feel humiliated if i go in there an clean it

Honestly, if I were you, I would leave the food to rot. I realize that opens the door for insects and critters, but let him live in his own filth. When he leaves, put a towel under the door to try to keep the smell inside and/or put a plug-in in that room there to mask the smell. I believe, after he comes back and realizes he still has to clean up his own filth, he'll stop the behavior.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, MaróTierra said:

The problem is my husband, he feels guilty he is not able to spend much time with them he grows resentful towards me. Blaming me that I make things worst than they are already. I  angry and frustrated because he doesn't respect me

He's abusive.  He shifts anger and blame. Stop being the maid and nanny for his kids.  Let him shop, cook and clean up after them. If he wants to see his kids he can.

[Crazelnut]

Again, stop complaining and blaming and DO something about it. Stop telling us how awful the son is and how you try to change his behavior. The problem is that your husband is an azz and you react to it. Just leave already. Son won't change, husband won't change, only you can change here. 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Crazelnut