My Husband took off wedding band

[MaróTierra]

Kids they get dragged into adults problems this are the consequences. He wants to say he is a child then act like a child and stay away from adult problems.

It makes me so angry that my Husband knows exactly where his behavior is coming from but denies it doesn't accept it. Calls me a mean step mom. I'm frustrated... I dont feel respected loved or cared for! All because my stepson decided to act a certain way towards me due to his mother being in his ear. 24/7

 

[Eeejay]

I understand that your situation is probably very frustrating. I'm sorry it's devolved to this point.

However, I'm reading a lot of you placing the blame on your 'spoiled brat' stepson and saying pretty ugly things about him instead of looking at him as a very young man who, if it's true what you say about his mother and her influence, has been emotionally used and abused. You say you've known him for eight years, since he was well and truly a child, but your posts don't come off as though you have any real love for him at all - it sounds like he's just an impediment to you and your own daughters being the undisputed #1 priority in your husband's life (and to be brutally honest with you, this attitude has probably bled into your interactions with your stepson during the times he's been in your house over the years - have there been times when you have actively pitted yourself against him just to test your husband on who he would back up? I'm not accusing you of this, but be really honest with yourself). Whether that's right or wrong, I don't know, that's above my pay grade but he IS your husband's son too...and by your own words, you consider a 'broken home' to be something tragic, yet you're not willing to extend him any grace in his feelings considering he is from one.

I think you need to take a step back from your own feelings and try to REALLY put yourself in his. While he doesn't have the right to disrespect you and your husband should be teaching him this in no uncertain terms, I think you should really, honestly try and look inward to see if there's anything you yourself can change that might make the situation better. JMHO.

 

Edited December 2, 2021 by Eeejay

[Crazelnut]

Why haven't you left? It's clear your husband doesn't respect you and he certainly doesn't support you. So ... Get out. Refuse to be treated like this. Refuse to participate. Refuse to make things worse. Just get out. 

[MaróTierra]

2 hours ago, Eeejay said:

I understand that your situation is probably very frustrating. I'm sorry it's devolved to this point.

However, I'm reading a lot of you placing the blame on your 'spoiled brat' stepson and saying pretty ugly things about him instead of looking at him as a very young man who, if it's true what you say about his mother and her influence, has been emotionally used and abused. You say you've known him for eight years, since he was well and truly a child, but your posts don't come off as though you have any real love for him at all - it sounds like he's just an impediment to you and your own daughters being the undisputed #1 priority in your husband's life (and to be brutally honest with you, this attitude has probably bled into your interactions with your stepson during the times he's been in your house over the years - have there been times when you have actively pitted yourself against him just to test your husband on who he would back up? I'm not accusing you of this, but be really honest with yourself). Whether that's right or wrong, I don't know, that's above my pay grade but he IS your husband's son too...and by your own words, you consider a 'broken home' to be something tragic, yet you're not willing to extend him any grace in his feelings considering he is from one.

I think you need to take a step back from your own feelings and try to REALLY put yourself in his. While he doesn't have the right to disrespect you and your husband should be teaching him this in no uncertain terms, I think you should really, honestly try and look inward to see if there's anything you yourself can change that might make the situation better. JMHO.

 

"have there been times when you have actively pitted yourself against him just to test your husband on who he would back up?"

Not really!  he ALWAYS no matter what back his son up 100%.  Does anybody agree with me this kid has gotten away with a lot? His father has never ever told him he is wrong for lying and causing arguments between us. My husband and i dlo argue because I told him to discipline him. My Husband doesn't believe he is wrong just excuses him on being a child and heavily influenced by his mother. OK so way about when he becomes an adult pretty soon? What's going to be the excuse then?

I used to be pretty close to him when he was younger and spend 50% of the time with us. I would take him to school picl him up fromm school, to thhe pool for walks to ride the bikes. Until he talked bad about me in court he was 14 years old. He didn't say on egood thing about me. Or even he's dad for that matter. The judge end up ruling to the mother's favor. He reduced the visitation to 10% 

Things have not been the same! 

[usa1ah]

6 hours ago, MaróTierra said:

"have there been times when you have actively pitted yourself against him just to test your husband on who he would back up?"

Not really!  he ALWAYS no matter what back his son up 100%.  Does anybody agree with me this kid has gotten away with a lot? His father has never ever told him he is wrong for lying and causing arguments between us. My husband and i dlo argue because I told him to discipline him. My Husband doesn't believe he is wrong just excuses him on being a child and heavily influenced by his mother. OK so way about when he becomes an adult pretty soon? What's going to be the excuse then?

I used to be pretty close to him when he was younger and spend 50% of the time with us. I would take him to school picl him up fromm school, to thhe pool for walks to ride the bikes. Until he talked bad about me in court he was 14 years old. He didn't say on egood thing about me. Or even he's dad for that matter. The judge end up ruling to the mother's favor. He reduced the visitation to 10% 

Things have not been the same! 

Yes the kid has gotten away with a lot. 
 

I think you need to take steps to protect your little ones from him. If he is able to lie and manipulate the situation like he is, why wouldn’t he take the next step. The kid has no morals. 
 

For those that said you were wrong about warning your niece are acting foolish. We’re you supposed to wait until he possibly destroyed her life by his lies. 
 

Your husband is in the wrong. The only time my kids got into real trouble was when they lied or disrespected an adult. I was always willing to hear their side of the story when they got older. I have three great kids/young adults now, all of them loving, kind and hard workers. Your husband’s actions are destroying his son’s future. 
 

I suggest taking with a lawyer and seeing what your options are. I would also consider banning the 17 yr old from your home.
 

If his father did his job he would have gone after his ex for parental alienation. It could have been easily proven through the lies told about you being the reason that his parents divorced. Now that he has allowed this and other lies to go unchallenged for so long it has become the truth for the 17 yr old. Your husband has created this mess not you. 

[usa1ah]

7 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

Why haven't you left? It's clear your husband doesn't respect you and he certainly doesn't support you. So ... Get out. Refuse to be treated like this. Refuse to participate. Refuse to make things worse. Just get out. 

Or tell her husband to get out. 

[MaróTierra]

3 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Yes the kid has gotten away with a lot. 
 

I think you need to take steps to protect your little ones from him. If he is able to lie and manipulate the situation like he is, why wouldn’t he take the next step. The kid has no morals. 
 

For those that said you were wrong about warning your niece are acting foolish. We’re you supposed to wait until he possibly destroyed her life by his lies. 
 

Your husband is in the wrong. The only time my kids got into real trouble was when they lied or disrespected an adult. I was always willing to hear their side of the story when they got older. I have three great kids/young adults now, all of them loving, kind and hard workers. Your husband’s actions are destroying his son’s future. 
 

I suggest taking with a lawyer and seeing what your options are. I would also consider banning the 17 yr old from your home.
 

If his father did his job he would have gone after his ex for parental alienation. It could have been easily proven through the lies told about you being the reason that his parents divorced. Now that he has allowed this and other lies to go unchallenged for so long it has become the truth for the 17 yr old. Your husband has created this mess not you. 

How can I banned him from my home? 

My husband will not allow this. Is there anything legal i should do? 

[vla1120]

31 minutes ago, MaróTierra said:

How can I banned him from my home? 

My husband will not allow this. Is there anything legal i should do? 

If you do ban him from your home or try to take legal action to keep him from your home, be prepared for your husband to leave you. 

I know you don't like some of the advice you've been given, here. However, I still think you should take some time to research parental alienation syndrome. It really sounds like it's his mother who did a number on him and pitted him against his father and against you. Yes. He is about to turn 18 and should have the integrity to do the right thing and behave in the right manner, but if he has spent the last 8 years being unduly influenced by his mother, who knows whether he's suffering from some PTSD? He certainly has all the ear markings of someone with parental alienation syndrome. 

If your husband does not agree with this, or your husband refuses to do his own research and ADDRESS this situation as it should be addressed, then you really have no choice but to leave this toxic situation. 

Also, I disagree that a broken home is always a horrible thing for the kids. In this situation, it seems as though you could offer your children a more healthy, non-toxic environment in which to grow up than if you stay with this man and allow this situation to continue. 

[vla1120]

One more thing. Since his son IS 17, almost 18, you could request that your husband see him and spend time with him outside of your home from now on. That would be a reasonable request, but I would approach it gingerly. Maybe make the suggestion that since the situation has turned toxic, in the best interest of his son and your children, he should see his son by himself, outside of your home. Don't say it in anger. Don't use it as an ultimatum. Just remind him how toxic this situation has become and how you want to save your children the harm from being exposed to this toxicity. Also, don't place blame anywhere. Instead of using accusations, talk about how it would make the situation BETTER for everyone (including him) if he handles his visitation with his son in a different manner. 

Hopefully, if you can distance yourself completely from his son, this will improve the situation. Your husband should want the situation to improve and would therefore agree to it.

Edited December 2, 2021 by vla1120

[MaróTierra]

26 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

One more thing. Since his son IS 17, almost 18, you could request that your husband see him and spend time with him outside of your home from now on. That would be a reasonable request, but I would approach it gingerly. Maybe make the suggestion that since the situation has turned toxic, in the best interest of his son and your children, he should see his son by himself, outside of your home. Don't say it in anger. Don't use it as an ultimatum. Just remind him how toxic this situation has become and how you want to save your children the harm from being exposed to this toxicity. Also, don't place blame anywhere. Instead of using accusations, talk about how it would make the situation BETTER for everyone (including him) if he handles his visitation with his son in a different manner. 

Hopefully, if you can distance yourself completely from his son, this will improve the situation. Your husband should want the situation to improve and would therefore agree to it.

Thank you! So much for your advise I do appreciate everyone taking their time to respond! Thank you so much everyone.

Ive

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, MaróTierra said:

The judge end up ruling to the mother's favor. He reduced the visitation to 10% 

Excellent. There was way too much chaos in your household. It's time to realize your husband, not some rebellious teen, is the problem. Stop picking on kids. You poor marriage, and incompatible husband is the problem you are ignoring..

[MaróTierra]

58 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. There was way too much chaos in your household. It's time to realize your husband, not some rebellious teen, is the problem. Stop picking on kids. You poor marriage, and incompatible husband is the problem you are ignoring..

I know my husband is the problem. But I can't help it but feel frustrated at the kid as well! Especially because I know he will never change because that will mean him turning against his mother.  He will be an adult soon and I'm uncertain what kind of life i will live! They have another son he is who is only 10 years old I've never had any issues with him, he is very nice and has even said he loves me. I'm uncertainty what kind of arrangement there's going to be..since the 10 year old will still be a minor when the other turns 18. 

[vla1120]

6 minutes ago, MaróTierra said:

But I can't help it but feel frustrated at the kid as well! Especially because I know he will never change because that will mean him turning against his mother.

If the son never changes, there is nothing you can do about this. From experience, I have seen kids who suffer from parental alienation syndrome reconnect with the alienated parent when they are a little older - 25-30 (or maybe even older). It takes a lot to undo the damage an alienator does to the relationship their child has with the target. Some (probably most) people do not get through this without some kind of therapy. He CAN change and still not turn against his mother. It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness, but I have seen it done. It sounds like the younger son was young enough that he does not remember anything about their marriage and, therefore, was not a target of the mother's alienation techniques.

Again, though, this will take action from you husband. HE needs to be the one to step in and suggest therapy for his son. 

[usa1ah]

3 hours ago, MaróTierra said:

How can I banned him from my home? 

My husband will not allow this. Is there anything legal i should do? 

Talk with a lawyer and tell them the situation. Take their advice. 

[usa1ah]

I agree the your husband has caused the situation. 
 

Your step son is the problem at the present time. He is being manipulated by his mother to be [] spoiled []. The question is, how far can his mother push him to cause chaos in your home?

Talk with a lawyer and tell them about what is going on. 

Edited December 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[MaróTierra]

On 12/2/2021 at 9:49 AM, vla1120 said:

If the son never changes, there is nothing you can do about this. From experience, I have seen kids who suffer from parental alienation syndrome reconnect with the alienated parent when they are a little older - 25-30 (or maybe even older). It takes a lot to undo the damage an alienator does to the relationship their child has with the target. Some (probably most) people do not get through this without some kind of therapy. He CAN change and still not turn against his mother. It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness, but I have seen it done. It sounds like the younger son was young enough that he does not remember anything about their marriage and, therefore, was not a target of the mother's alienation techniques.

Again, though, this will take action from you husband. HE needs to be the one to step in and suggest therapy for his son. 

I really doubt it the 17 year old will change. Is my husband will my husband magically stand up for our marriage and put his son in his place once he turns 18?? 

Or will he allow his son to keep telling him lies about me? 

I seriously cannot take more of this? I will not let it pass so easly when he becomes an adult and my husband is yelling at me for being a "mean step mom"!  Is he that blind! The problem is not his kids!!! It's his 17 YEAR OLD SON  ONLY!  

[Wiseman2]

You need to admit that you have a horrible unhappy marriage and a hostile hateful husband. Stop picking on some pimply teen and using minors as scapegoats for your marital problems.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You need professional advice and a place you can speak freely and confidentiality about your distress, horrible marriage and other issues.

[Crazelnut]

Echoing what others have said. Stop focusing on the son, and deal with the issues with your husband. You're behaving childishly yourself by blaming a kid for problems that adults have created. Either find a way to work on things with your husband or leave. Those are the only things that will have any impact on the situation. 

[MaróTierra]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to admit that you have a horrible unhappy marriage and a hostile hateful husband. Stop picking on some pimply teen and using minors as scapegoats for your marital problems.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You need professional advice and a place you can speak freely and confidentiality about your distress, horrible marriage and other issues.

You are right. I don't know how to handle thos situation anymore. I'm becoming childish and petty. Because my husband won't do anything to discipline his child. I should have left a long time ago. But I stayed in his relationship  hoping thing will change, now I have to more babies and I'm a stay at home mom. Judging by the present time, my husband will stand up for our marriage. I swear I feel I'm worh two different men. He says he loves me so much he never wants to divorce me, he wants to grow old with me, I'm his best friend. He also says he doesn't want to separate and wants to see his daughters everyday and raised them with me. 

Then the man who takes off his wedding band, blames me for his son feeling feeling abandoned calls me irrational, unreasonable, Mean step mom, he also says I've never done anything for them. When he share 50% custody guess who was there to help him? Yes me! Cook clean laundry paying bills I used to work at the time. He will never do any shores and still doesn't! 

I feel taken granted for. So when his son disrespects me and he doesn't do anything about it,  except blame me saying well you're mean to him!  It makes my blood boil. And unfortunately I ended up disliking both! 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, MaróTierra said:

When he share 50% custody....;

A "stepmother" has zero legal responsibility. You are nothing more than a live-in nanny, legally. It's none of your business  how he and the boy's mother raise him or what he does or how he turns out.

.Stay in your own lane. Raise you Own children according to how you see fit. You are ruminating. The boy chose to get away from you and his father and the chaos you two are creating. He is there 10% of the time.

It's disgusting your husband threw his own child under the bus so you won't divorce him for being the awful husband and father he is.  It's Your Job to stay out of the boy's business and life and how his mother and father raise him and how their sick war affects this teen.. 

Edited December 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[MaróTierra]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

A "stepmother" has zero legal responsibility. You are nothing more than a live-in nanny, legally. It's none of your business  how he and the boy's mother raise him or what he does or how he turns out.

.Stay in your own lane. Raise you Own children according to how you see fit. You are ruminating. The boy chose to get away from you and his father and the chaos you two are creating. He is there 10% of the time.

It's disgusting your husband threw his own child under the bus so you won't divorce him for being the awful husband and father he is.  It's Your Job to stay out of the boy's business and life and how his mother and father raise him and how their sick war affects this teen.. 

As i mentioned ealier my stepson lied in court saying there was horrible things going on in our household spoke ill of his own father and me solidifyed what the mother was claiming. My other step son would have never said anything bad about us. That's the reason the judge reduce visitation time. And guess what child support more than double. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MaróTierra said:

guess what child support more than double. 

This is what bothers you? Leave the past in the past. The judge made a wise decision based on the boy's and the mother's wishes. That your cheapskate husband wanted to pay less child support as the only reason to subject his son to you and your marital chaos is something else to reflect on the how horrible things really are in your marriage and with your husband's poor character.

It's unclear why you are still complaining if the teen is hardly there now? Now you're complaining that your husband has to support his children? See a physician about the depression and anxiety so you can be the kind of parent you hope to be for your own children. You seem chronically angry and frustrated.

Edited December 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[MaróTierra]

On 12/2/2021 at 9:49 AM, vla1120 said:

If the son never changes, there is nothing you can do about this. From experience, I have seen kids who suffer from parental alienation syndrome reconnect with the alienated parent when they are a little older - 25-30 (or maybe even older). It takes a lot to undo the damage an alienator does to the relationship their child has with the target. Some (probably most) people do not get through this without some kind of therapy. He CAN change and still not turn against his mother. It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness, but I have seen it done. It sounds like the younger son was young enough that he does not remember anything about their marriage and, therefore, was not a target of the mother's alienation techniques.

Again, though, this will take action from you husband. HE needs to be the one to step in and suggest therapy for his son. 

 

9 hours ago, MaróTierra said:

I really doubt it the 17 year old will change. Is my husband will my husband magically stand up for our marriage and put his son in his place once he turns 18?? 

Or will he allow his son to keep telling him lies about me? 

I seriously cannot take more of this? I will not let it pass so easly when he becomes an adult and my husband is yelling at me for being a "mean step mom"!  Is he that blind! The problem is not his kids!!! It's his 17 YEAR OLD SON  ONLY!  

 

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to admit that you have a horrible unhappy marriage and a hostile hateful husband. Stop picking on some pimply teen and using minors as scapegoats for your marital problems.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You need professional advice and a place you can speak freely and confidentiality about your distress, horrible marriage and other issues.

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

A "stepmother" has zero legal responsibility. You are nothing more than a live-in nanny, legally. It's none of your business  how he and the boy's mother raise him or what he does or how he turns out.

.Stay in your own lane. Raise you Own children according to how you see fit. You are ruminating. The boy chose to get away from you and his father and the chaos you two are creating. He is there 10% of the time.

It's disgusting your husband threw his own child under the bus so you won't divorce him for being the awful husband and father he is.  It's Your Job to stay out of the boy's business and life and how his mother and father raise him and how their sick war affects this teen.. 

 

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is what bothers you? Leave the past in the past. The judge made a wise decision based on the boy's and the mother's wishes. That your cheapskate husband wanted to pay less child support as the only reason to subject his son to you and your marital chaos is something else to reflect on the how horrible things really are in your marriage and with your husband's poor character.

It's unclear why you are still complaining if the teen is hardly there now? Now you're complaining that your husband has to support his children? See a physician about the depression and anxiety so you can be the kind of parent you hope to be for your own children. You seem chronically angry and frustrated.

Excuse me I am not complaining. He makes enough for me to stay at home that's not the problem. The problem is the mother made up.of this lies, made the son lied on court to prove her point all to get child support increase. What a coincidence it happened as soon as we purchased a home. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, MaróTierra said:

The problem is the mother made up.of this lies, made the son lied on court to prove her point all to get child support increase. What a coincidence it happened as soon as we purchased a home. 

That's your interpretation because your husband told you to think this. The judge did not grant this to spite you for purchasing your new home. The judge heard all sides, made a decision based on the child's best interest. That's it. 

[MaróTierra]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's your interpretation because your husband told you to think this. The judge did not grant this to spite you for purchasing your new home. The judge heard all sides, made a decision based on the child's best interest. That's it. 

Look that is not the problem! Money is not an issue here. My husband even gives the boy's extra money when they come over. He buys them clothes whatever. That's not the point! The judge made the decision based on lies! The mother doesn't work! 

So it was to her benefit! See what I mean?