Should I wait, or should I ask directly?

[stella]

I met this guy, J., 3 months ago. We met and introduced to each other as friends, as I was into a (long distance) relationship at the time, and he knew about it. For not related to this friend reason, my relationship started shacking. Meanwhile, I got to know better J, always in a friendly way, even if we were seeing each other often in a group but also just the two of us, and we would chat every day (not all the time, but every day at least asking ourselves how's the day or small things). I realized I actually liked spending time with him, and I also started realizing that I felt attracted. And, I had the sensation that for him it was the same. J is only a piece of the puzzle, but I ended things with my boyfriend. 

The week before I could end things with my boyfriend (I wanted to talk with him, this is why I didn't act earlier - the phone sounded too bad for such a conversation - even if I was already very far from our relationship as a couple), J and I got really close and we went a bit too far (I don't regret the time spent together, I regret that I hurt someone I still care about - my ex boyfriend - before talking with him). After that, things got a bit cold between J and I: less texts, we didn't meet for 10 days. He was with his family, but I still think something was off. A couple of days ago I told J almost directly that I broke up with my boyfriend, and from that point texts started again and he asked me to go for some shopping yesterday. We spent the afternoon and evening together, then we went to his place, we watched a movie and we spent the night together. I had to make the first move, but then everything happened naturally.

He didn't mention my ex at all, and we didn't talk about what happened between us. The attraction is there, I can feel it. But we haven't told each other IF we like each other as more than friends, IF this is true for him (I know that for me it is). I'd like to understand if he has interest for me as more than a friend or not. But I would not like to put him pressure (he never dated a girl for more than 3 months before), and I don't want to lose him as a friend, or that things get akward in our group of friends.

I know this story might let me sound as a bad person for what happened with my ex boyfriend, but the truth is that one doesn't decide who to fall for. Also, J is part of the picture but is not the picture: he actually came into the picture when other things were already shacking, and actually shared also this with my ex boyfriend (I didn't want to lie, or to leave him hanging there looking for explanations, so we discusses for one week every day and ended things in an as clean as possible way). It was also not easy to realize I did like someone else, as I felt guilty for hurting my ex boyfriend.

[Wiseman2]

It seems like your relationship was conflicted and falling apart for a lot of reasons.

Why not slow down a bit and be FWB? That way you're not jumping into a new relationship right away.

As far as your ex, why did you tell him about this friend? Was that your exit ramp?

Wrap things up with the ex. When it's done it's done.

[stella]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like your relationship was conflicted and falling apart for a lot of reasons.

Why not slow down a bit and be FWB? That way you're not jumping into a new relationship right away.

As far as your ex, why did you tell him about this friend? Was that your exit ramp?

Wrap things up with the ex. When it's done it's done.

When we discussed our relationship with my ex, we talked a lot and it felt to me like we were opening to each other more than ever in the last months. So I told him, I thought it was fair. I didn't want to use that as an exit ramp, it just didn't feel right to keep a secret from a person that besides how the relationship ended was part of my life. I am grateful for the time spent together, and for having met him. 

About being FWB, well, I never did this before, and I feel like it is not exactly that if I kinda like him. Anyway, I don't want to push it, so the slaw down suggestion is actually probably the right thing to do.

[glows]

You don't need to ask, OP. It's already there, clear as day. I'm certain that J knows the way you feel about him and he invited you over to spend some time together. He likes you to some degree and you are spending time with each other. You're rushing things a bit too fast and this might come from being single after being in a relationship and so soon after your break up. 

Give it more time. It's not surprising if J is taking his time with you as this could easily backfire and you could suddenly decide that you'd rather be single. It sounds like your feelings are genuine for J so take your time.

Edited November 26, 2021 by glows

[stella]

On 11/25/2021 at 5:50 PM, glows said:

You don't need to ask, OP. It's already there, clear as day. I'm certain that J knows the way you feel about him and he invited you over to spend some time together. He likes you to some degree and you are spending time with each other. You're rushing things a bit too fast and this might come from being single after being in a relationship and so soon after your break up. 

Give it more time. It's not surprising if J is taking his time with you as this could easily backfire and you could suddenly decide that you'd rather be single. It sounds like your feelings are genuine for J so take your time.

Thank you for your 5 cents, I appreciate. You're right about the fact that I am rushing things in my mind. I think I have to get used to dating again, to this knowing each other you're talking about. And, primarly, to J and his way of getting to know me. 

[stillafool]

On 11/25/2021 at 2:32 PM, stella said:

J and I got really close and we went a bit too far (I don't regret the time spent together, I regret that I hurt someone I still care about - my ex boyfriend - before talking with him). After that, things got a bit cold between J and I: less texts, we didn't meet for 10 days.

So he backed away for 10 days after the 1st time you guys had sex?  He was trying to make sure you didn't get attached and knew he wasn't attached.

On 11/25/2021 at 2:32 PM, stella said:

We spent the afternoon and evening together, then we went to his place, we watched a movie and we spent the night together. I had to make the first move, but then everything happened naturally.

He's not hard up for sex.

On 11/25/2021 at 2:32 PM, stella said:

(he never dated a girl for more than 3 months before)

He is either a Player or wants to make darn sure girls know he isn't going to be a boyfriend.

[stella]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

So he backed away for 10 days after the 1st time you guys had sex?  He was trying to make sure you didn't get attached and knew he wasn't attached.

He's not hard up for sex.

He is either a Player or wants to make darn sure girls know he isn't going to be a boyfriend.

After we had sex the first time, the day after both of us had a trip planned. He was visiting family for one week, and I was visiting a friend. After that, I was supposed to meet my ex to talk over, and I was supposed to be away for another 10 days (and J knew it). In the end, my ex and I decided to meet earlier because both of us felt that it was too long that the relationship was going south. In these days, I didn't text much with J. But honestly that was time I needed for myself somehow. So, one week after we had sex, and a couple of days we finally put an end point with my ex, I told J I was not going to that trip with my ex. After that, texts came back to normal and he asked me to meet the first day I was available after coming back as well. 

Besides this explanation about the timing, maybe you're right about the backing up or other things. I don't know what's in his mind.