I'm the dumpee but feel so guilty. What should I do?

[Reyka]

I’ve been lurking on these boards for a couple weeks and am moved by the support here. Can I share my experience and ask for help? I am sorry if this is long.

 

I (M) am sort-of the dumpee, and my ex (F) is sort-of the dumper. We (before meeting each other) had been through all sorts of relationship modalities through the years: decade+ marriages (both amicably divorced), crushes that turned into flings, flings that turned into relationships, you-only-live-once-this-is-gonna-be-trouble-isn’t-it affairs…both hoping to someday meet someone with whom we could walk through the world together.

 

We met last spring and broke up almost two months ago, so our relationship spanned the length of the pandemic. The quarantines, lockdowns, and reduced sociability suited us and we thrived.

 

It started wonderfully and we paced carefully. The first “I love you” (her) wasn’t said until a year in; it was more than a year before she met my family. I loved her big gorgeous brain; values, goals, and professional interests aligned; our sexual desires complemented each other. I loved the way she was endlessly curious and effortlessly kind.

 

To back up a bit, me: in the several years before I met this woman, I had cycled through a series of relationships marked by mayhem. My own life at the time was filled with tumult: work issues, depression, a parent dying of terminal cancer.

 

Because I am always a hopeless romantic and sometimes a selfish idiot, I thought I could finesse my way through relationships despite this chaos. (Do not do this.)

 

They all crashed in spectacularly ugly ways. I was cheated on and lied to. All that heartbreak and betrayal takes a toll.

 

So after all that emotional pandemonium, meeting this woman was like a beautiful soft landing for me.

 

To back up a bit, her: She was raised by a narcissistic parent that caused her devastating emotional trauma that affected her well into her thirties. She was either ignored or made to feel unlovable. She spent 15 years effectively single and in therapy. Like, you could buy a small apartment with the money she spent on therapy. It’s one of the reasons I admired her: she pulled herself out of this.

 

Still, she had had no significant relationships in those 15 years. The “I love you” she said to me was the first time she had said that to someone in 15 years.

 

So after all that emotional pandemonium, meeting me was like a beautiful, soft landing for her.

 

No drama, no cheating, no abuse, lotsa communication. The world outside might have been ending, but at least we were together for it.

 

It wasn’t trauma bonding. (I know what that’s like.) We fell in love because we respected and admired each other.

 

Things were great the first year, then things began to change imperceptibly. But I guess they were perceptible to her.

 

None of this was done purposefully, but I started pulling back emotionally. If I had an issue, an insecurity, a fear, instead of communicating, as we had been doing so well, I bottled it up. Then I started to pull away physically. At the end we had not had sex in months. It was like we had front-loaded all the sexiness.

 

I knew all this was happening. I kept telling myself that I was going to address it, that we’ll figure it out, soon. Tomorrow. Later. We’ll get around to it eventually. All that good communication that was needed to start a relationship at the height of the pandemic seemed to dry up.

 

For her, she began to have negative reactions to any stressful interaction. Like, I would come home after battling traffic and be exhausted and fuming, which freaked her out. It was never directed at her — none of it was — but any tension caused her to be fearful and withdraw.

 

Two months ago, via text, she told me she wanted to end it. When I went to pack up my stuff, there were no recriminations, no drama. We cried. In that breakup conversation, while packing up my car, we basically laid bare all the issues.

 

“You were playing not to lose,” she said. I can’t get those words out of my head.

 

It was, essentially, that our traumas — her childhood abuse, my recent relationship betrayals — triggered each other. We were both living in fear maybe? I realize now that my falling in love with her probably activated some subconscious protection mechanism…if I make myself vulnerable now, is she gonna hurt me like the others? Is there gonna be a rug pull?

 

I asked her if we could try therapy together, since, well, we had just identified the issues. No.

 

At one point, when she saw me carrying too many boxes, she blurted, “Honey, that’s too heavy, you’re going to hurt your back.” We hugged. I drove away. I went straight back into therapy. Started meditating again. Reactivated pre-quarantine friendships. I had two small career victories. All the stuff these boards say to do, minus the gym and the dating other people.

 

I wrote her an email this week, after almost two months of complete silence on both ends. I apologized for the withdrawal of intimacy, and gave the reason. I apologized for the triggering outbursts. I said I was in therapy again, told her (truthfully) that I didn’t think it was a heartless rug pull, that she wasn’t like the other women who had traumatized me, that I didn’t expect a reply. No begging. I think I just wanted to show her that I missed her, but wasn’t asking anything of her.

 

In therapy, I realized that don’t even really consider her the “dumper.” I mean, she was the one who said the words, but maybe months of micro-rejections amounted to my effectively “dumping” her? I've also "forgiven" the women that had treated me badly -- the responsibility there was partly mine, too. 

 

I know I will be pilloried by the No Contact wardens for reaching out to her. That I don’t have a backbone, surrendered my dignity, strengthened her power, weakened my position, alleviated her guilt.

 

But seriously, what’s No Contact going to do for a woman who basically had an abusive, No Contact childhood, and then a lover who No Contacted her repeated bids for intimacy? Wouldn’t No Contact just cement her fear of people ignoring her, making her think she’s unlovable? Instead of showing her my backbone, I would rather turn around and show her my soft underbelly. She has always valued vulnerability over dig-in-your-heels bravado and gamesmanship. Is that wrong? Too little too late? Maybe a misguided attempt to signal to her that "I see you, I'm sorry, you're not unlovable."

 

I am racked with guilt, like, terrible sleep-stealing guilt at the thought that I hurt her, unraveled some of the her hard-earned healing.

 

What should I do now? Was that email selfish of me? I want to be with her again, someday. Is that nuts? What could she be thinking or experiencing? I am staying in therapy, and vowing no more relationships until issues gets addressed.

 

Wow, this was much longer than I expected. I will stop now. Thank you.

[glows]

Whether you want to be with her again isn't in your hands right now so let it be. That idea isn't active or ongoing. It's a thought bubble right now and that is it. Break ups are very painful so let time be your healer. 

The email is sent so no point going back on it. Put away any thoughts of selfishness or negativity and stop beating yourself up over things that have already happened. 

The issue was that you were too afraid at one point to remain or become more vulnerable in a deepening relationship. Being vulnerable isn't easy. It takes two and there's also the slight chance that she wasn't ready for it either. You know now what walls you were up against and you can pursue that in therapy. Let go of that guilt. 

[Noproblem]

Very eloquent writing. I love it. You should be a writer.

I am sorry for what you have gone through. But what you did toward her was wrong and further hurt her. 

I think she held long enough, honestly if my partner changed, even subtle changes, within few weeks I will walk out of the door.

She patiently waited for you to come back, but you never did, so she ended it.

Maybe, you two can get back together, maybe not.

I wish both of you the best in life!

Edited December 2, 2021 by Noproblem

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. How long did you live together? Where did you move to?

What was the breakup actually about?

Leave her alone. No emails. No letters. No 'I'm so improved' communication.

Those get your ex back scams all recommend this nonsense.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health,get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Address the road rage and anger issues.

[Akashsingh]

In the long term dumpee always has the upper hand. My ex divorced me 8 years ago. It was nasty and I have only spoken to her once before getting divorced to ask if she still wanted to work things out. I regretted the breakup, my behavior and actions. I had an at length discussion with a friend of mine about my regrets and then I felt better. So discuss with a friend at length. Write your ex two letters : one that says how great she was , second that says what was missing that caused the breakup. read out loud to youself but dont send it. 

Focus on yourself, this is a choice made by your Ex, you have no control over it. Once you get over the regret, move on and get your self busy in hobbies. Recently I started rock climbing and despite all my regrets, if my ex ever came back to me my answer would be hell no. I dont spend time thinking about her anymore that I have truly reconciled with my past.

 If she comes back (which I doubt she will), watch out for the breadcrumbs or feeling lonely calls. Unless she wants to get back together . She wont come back until you have truly moved on and have found or are about to find a new partner. She was attracted to you for who you were then , try to become that or better person.

[basil67]

On 11/26/2021 at 10:07 AM, Reyka said:

But seriously, what’s No Contact going to do for a woman who basically had an abusive, No Contact childhood, and then a lover who No Contacted her repeated bids for intimacy? Wouldn’t No Contact just cement her fear of people ignoring her, making her think she’s unlovable?

No, it won't make her feel abandoned because it was her choice to end it.  She knows what the end of a relationship means and chose to do that.  

Dropping out of contact will show her that you respect her wishes to end the relationship.