Adjusting to long distance relationship

[Alexxxx12]

Breif overview of my now long distance relationship for you lovely Internet strangers: I was exclusively dating someone met his friends though I only went to his once and was never introduced to his parents but they did know about me. I knew he was going abroad and he knew I’d be going to university. I left 3 weeks before him and he never came to visit me so I went back to see him just before he left. He’s an avoidant type but because he never came to see me I assumed he no longer wanted a relationship. He’s since told me he loves me and he does want to be with me. He’s very relaxed and doesn’t want to talk about when or if we’ll ever visit each other, he’ll be abroad for up to 2years. We pretty much never FaceTime. He’s messaging less too though said he’s being distant with everyone. I can’t keep bringing up my concerns with him because they just freak him out with commitment issues plus it’s only actually been a month. I love him and I doubt he’d ever cheat on me but I feel pretty silly. I’m also reallly lonely now too which I’ve never experienced before. 
Am I being mugged off?
 

Sounds pretty ridiculous we’re trying to be together now that I’ve written that out:(

[glows]

Why do you feel silly at all? Those are valid concerns. If your partner doesn't want to speak with you about when you're seeing each other next, or some ballpark, or is too tense to even think of seeing you again, that doesn't mean he's avoidant. He's just not that interested and is more comfortable brushing you off because you are not very important to him in the grand scheme of things. 

How long were you dating exclusively before he went abroad?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Alexxxx12 said:

doesn’t want to talk about when or if we’ll ever visit each other

This is a bad sign. He doesn't miss you and isn't that interested in what becomes of this relationship. 

6 hours ago, Alexxxx12 said:

I can’t keep bringing up my concerns with him because they just freak him out with commitment issues

Another bad sign. 

6 hours ago, Alexxxx12 said:

Am I being mugged off?

Yes. This relationship is on its last legs. You can't date someone who is hardly interested in you anymore, especially at a distance. It's time to end it. He is probably hoping you will get tired of this and pull the plug so he doesn't have to. But the end is coming either way. 

Don't waste more time on this. You can do a lot better. 

[Alexxxx12]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Why do you feel silly at all? Those are valid concerns. If your partner doesn't want to speak with you about when you're seeing each other next, or some ballpark, or is too tense to even think of seeing you again, that doesn't mean he's avoidant. He's just not that interested and is more comfortable brushing you off because you are not very important to him in the grand scheme of things. 

How long were you dating exclusively before he went abroad?

I knew him for a few months before and we’ve been dating for 6months, exclusively for 4. 

[Alexxxx12]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is a bad sign. He doesn't miss you and isn't that interested in what becomes of this relationship. 

Another bad sign. 

Yes. This relationship is on its last legs. You can't date someone who is hardly interested in you anymore, especially at a distance. It's time to end it. He is probably hoping you will get tired of this and pull the plug so he doesn't have to. But the end is coming either way. 

Don't waste more time on this. You can do a lot better. 

I thought so thanks. It is odd I gave him an out when he first left though and at that point he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. 

[Sun Seeker]

Honestly.. this does not even sound like a relationship. Long distance or not.

I have experience with 3 LDRs and you are 1000% wasting your time with this guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Alexxxx12 said:

I thought so thanks. It is odd I gave him an out when he first left though and at that point he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. 

Right, but now his actions indicate the exact opposite. 

This is essentially already finished. 

[Fox Sake]

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you feel so undervalued? 
I find it interesting that you felt at one point he wasn’t interested. Then when you had almost sort of accepted that, he came back and said he loves you. People want what they can’t have. 

He is off abroad for up to 2 years and you’re off to uni… I don’t understand the logic behind thinking that would work unless you both literally had your lives and every free moment revolving around each other. I don’t see that kind of commitment being shown here on his part. 
 

You’re feeling lonely cos you’ve put all your energy into a “relationship” that doesn’t sound much like a relationship. A relationship is 50/50. It’s feeling secure, feeling adored and your partner being attentive to your needs and communicating. He can’t seem to even communicate properly with you now, so take that as you will for a sign of what could be in store further down the line. 
 

Him not talking about when you can meet next or not ever FaceTiming isn’t the sign of a “relaxed” person. Nor a relationship with distance. It’s the sign of a person who has a thousand things on their mind that they aren’t talking to you about.
If he’s got a lot on his plate like exams or something then the distance is understandable and maybe it’s just something you need to communicate more clearly about with him. Let me point out that there is big difference between talking about an issue to resolve it and talking about an issue to show how much you’ve been hurt by it (usually to illicit a reaction or make someone feel how you feel) Try not to to do the latter if you do speak about it. 
 

You should mirror his levels of affection and contact and see where it leads for a few days.  Not for too long tho or that will count as game playing. If you get the same reaction from him all over again then that could be quite telling …. But really it’s not looking good. If at some point you feel it’s reached it’s end,  then there is nothing to lose by telling him why you’re backing off and that he didn’t communicate openly with you and make you feel wanted. Only from that point I think is there any chance of a resolve or change, if there is to be one. 
 

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, Alexxxx12 said:

I thought so thanks. It is odd I gave him an out when he first left though and at that point he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. 

Someone actually did this to me. He didn't seem very interested and I gave him an out. Suddenly, he was invested, but, as it turned out, not really.

Methinks you should just do yourself a favor and move on. This guy is wasting your time.

[Alexxxx12]

7 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

You should mirror his levels of affection and contact and see where it leads for a few days.  Not for too long tho or that will count as game playing. If you get the same reaction from him all over again then that could be quite telling …. But really it’s not looking good. If at some point you feel it’s reached it’s end,  then there is nothing to lose by telling him why you’re backing off and that he didn’t communicate openly with you and make you feel wanted. Only from that point I think is there any chance of a resolve or change, if there is to be one. 

Thanks I’ll definitely pull back and see what happens..If nothing does then time to end it 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/25/2021 at 8:05 PM, Alexxxx12 said:

. He’s very relaxed and doesn’t want to talk about when or if we’ll ever visit each other, 

Free yourself so you can be be happy dating local available interested men who you can build a relationship with.

[BaileyB]

On 11/25/2021 at 7:05 PM, Alexxxx12 said:

He’s an avoidant type but because he never came to see me

He doesn’t want to talk about when or if we’ll ever visit each other

We pretty much never FaceTime.

He’s messaging less too

I can’t keep bringing up my concerns with him because they just freak him out with commitment issues plus it’s only actually been a month.

The fact that he won’t see you, won’t FaceTime with you, and he’s messaging less is not a good sign. 

You need to take a BIG step back and truth be told, you need to find someone local to date. It’s highly unlikely that this will be the relationship you want. 

Edited November 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[1Mind]

It seems you are being told you are loved, but you are not actually being loved. I recommend you trust your gut instincts. You said "I’m also really lonely now too which I’ve never experienced before." You need to look out for yourself. Don't invest in this already unhappy relationship. I really wish you the best.