At my wits end with my marriage but don't want it to end

[BrokenAndHopeful]

This one is gonna be a long one so bear with me.

I’ve been together with my wife for 9 years, married for almost 8. I wouldn’t consider it a bad marriage by any means. We’ve always had arguments but we’ve been able to make up. I’ve never cheated on her, never physically abused her and do not lie to her. We share similar interests and wanted a lot of the same things in life. We are both very independent and both could be considered a bit stubborn. That’s likely where the issues began. 

There are a couple of issues that we just have not been able to work through.

The first is a very toxic friend. Initially I had no issues with her friend. Her friend is basically a large child, she comes from a bad childhood and has never had a truly stable relationship. She has huge issues with alcohol as well as mental health issues. My wife thought that she could help her and me thinking she was a very strong willed woman initially supported her effort. Unfortunately it quickly backfired. The biggest fight of our marriage happened when I was working late and they went out for a girls night. I had no issue with this until my wife came home late very intoxicated. I wasn’t worried about the fact she was drunk. I’m no saint myself but I’m firmly against drunk driving. I was worried about the fact that she drove 25 minutes on rural country roads while being very very intoxicated. The next morning she apologized and I thought this was something that wouldn’t happen again. I was even more elated about a year later this toxic friend moved across the country. Ties were cut and they didn’t communicate for a number of years. It was actually some of the better years of our marriage.

Unfortunately the friend moved back. Initially they had a decent friendship although the friend hadn’t changed, my wife wasn’t playing into the single girl alcoholic mentality. Later though, she started drinking heavily and making bad decisions. She never did it while I was at home, she waited until I was at work. Earlier this year when looking over the bank statements I asked her why she had spent $80 at a Mexican restaurant. I thought it was a bad charge or hacked card.  She stated she had ran into one of our mutual friends while her and toxic friend were eating lunch. She told me she paid for everyone’s meals. I felt the story added up but something still wasn’t quite right. I asked our mutual friend and unfortunately got the whole story. She did not pay for anyone elses meal. In fact our mutual friend actually ran into them as they were finishing up and leaving. Her and the toxic friend were so drunk our mutual friend said they could barely stand. The issue was compounded by the fact she had our child with her. The mutual friend made sure they didn’t drive and kept my child safe but was afraid to call me while I was at work because she didn’t wanna get in the middle of our relationship.

When confronted about this my wife of course initially denied and then threw blame at our friend for ratting her out. From that point on the lies added up and the sneaking around got worse. I looked past as much as I could until it got too much. About a month later my wife’s family had planned a beach trip. I was in the middle of some college courses as well as working a lot of hours. While I couldn’t go I told her she and my son should go and enjoy the week. In the middle of the week she had told me that her toxic friend wanted her to go to a party on the Saturday night that she came back, would I watch our son. I was flabbergasted, I felt that she would want some time with us together since she had been gone all week. I was also really aggravated that she would want to go to a party where there would be drugs and alcohol as a 32-year-old married mother.  I made my opinion known but I told her that was up to her to make that decision. I also had made up my mind that if she had went I was done. Luckily she chose not to go, but I think it was only because she had made up her mind that she was not going to be controlled and was going to start looking for a way out. She got incredibly secretive after that and the friend started making it more known of how much she didn’t like me.

The second issue I have not been able to work through is that she has never been emotionally available any time that I have needed it. I am a combat vet turned firefighter paramedic. While I don’t consider myself broken I have had battles of anxiety and depression in the past. I have never been able to turn to her for stability when these issues flare up.

About five years ago I was having an anxiety attack and was trying to talk my issues out with her to calm down. She literally rolled over and told me to my face she did not have time for my baggage. That hit me really hard and I was never really able to turn her with anything after that. In fact, this is where her biggest complaint started. I started shutting down at the first instance of any conflict. I would just shut up and go to my thoughts for hours. Even when it had nothing to do with her this is how I dealt with my issues. She considers the silent treatment and while I’m working on it it is still one of my biggest faults. 

The next instance was after a series of really bad calls and I was feeling down for about two months.  There was no anger aggression or issues of that nature just being in a slump. She left while I was at work one day without any notice and went to her parent’s house. We were able to work it out after about a week but it taught me that she certainly wasn’t there for the hard times and it got really hard to not put on a face when we were together no matter what was going on. 

Third and finally my wife has a track record I’m getting emotionally involved with other men. Shortly after my son was born she was texting an ex a lot. Initially I looked past it but it got to be a lot of texting and when I read the texts it was virtually all about being unhappy with the situation and me. I confronted her about it calmly and I thought it was something we would never deal with again. I told her I would rather bring those issues to me so we could work them out rather than rant to an ex.

About a year later she started hanging around a mutual friend a lot. While I didn’t think anything was going on initially it got incredibly suspicious. Suspicious to the point where community members were calling and texting asking if we were still together because of some things they were seeing going on between the two. She maintains that they were just walking together for exercise but never could explain why their vehicles were parked together after dark. It took three confrontations and me threatening to leave before that ended. I thought the fact that our marriage almost ended would surely be the end of those instances.

About a year ago, with her in the room I checked her phone when it buzzed twice it was another gentleman in the community with a simple text message that said I love you at 9:30 at night. I didn’t open the phone to read any other texts, I just asked her what it was about. She assured me nothing was going on and it was just him being weird. With the history I was very skeptical but I took her at her word.

Two weeks later I found more messages since that day that made me question everything but again I asked her to stop texting him and I let it be.

Fast forward to 2 1/2 weeks ago and I noticed she was getting very short with me both in person and via text. She was also guarding her phone in ways that she’s never guarded her phone before. I asked her to look at her phone and found text messages with a guy I didn’t know and they were all about discussing how bad our marriage is. They were exchanging pictures on top of that. I asked her what it was about and told her I thought we had worked through that. She assured me that this would not happen anymore but sure enough I worked a 24 two days later and it was more of the same. I talked to her on the phone that night and I asked her if she had been texting him anymore. She assured me she hadn’t had that she had only texted the toxic friend. I told her I was looking at the phone records and knew she was lying. 

We have been separated since I pulled the phone records. She says she doesn’t know what she wants. She said that I was scaring her being so controlling that I would pull phone records. She told me that the reason that she lies to me is because she knows I will not approve of the things she’s doing with her friend and she doesn’t want me mad. She says she is traumatized by the silent treatment and wants to get therapy, which I support. I discussed getting marriage counseling which she is adamantly against.

At this point she will talk nothing about her and I. I have no idea what to do to save this marriage. Everything I’ve tried to discuss with her and tell her how it makes me feel she somehow wraps around that she did it because of something I had did or said or been a part of. She hasn’t taken any responsibility for any of the things she’s done and sees no wrongdoing in any of it. I want more than anything to get some of those happy years back like when the friend was gone and when she wasn’t trying to connect with someone else but I have no idea how to do it. There are some days I don’t even know if it’s worth it. 

Am I really that controlling? Was I relying on her too much with the emotional issues? Is this even worth saving? How the heck do I start over if it isn’t, because I be broken.

 

Edited November 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added more paragraph breaks, language

[SeekingInternalPeace]

Hey BrokenAndHopeful,

Thanks for sharing. Although I don’t know you or your spouse or your situation, based off the info you shared, it seems like there is something off and your intuition seems to be trying to tell you something. I completely understand those feelings and how we often push them away for many different reasons. My reasons are often because I feel wrong for not trusting the other person. It also seems like there is a lack of respect for your marriage and you from your spouse based upon her actions and secrecy. It also doesn’t sound like you are controlling but are trying to prove that you are not “crazy”. You are looking for validation. And instead she is manipulating the situation and deflecting trying to make you the guilty party. I would say that if you really want this relationship then likely the best chance at helping it may be couples counseling AND individual counseling. But the key thing here is, both people need to want to work on fixing it. I hope things work out the way you want them to. But know that even if they don’t, you will be ok. I have gone through so much pain in my marriage and although I am not fully “on the other side”, I can say I am getting there. It is a really messy road but it can also have moments of joy. Good luck with everything, I am rooting for you!

[FMW]

I don't see where you were controlling.  What you've written sounds like she's hiding things, and not very well.  Your suspicions and need to look into the phone records is understandable. 

But the fact that you don't trust her (apparently with good reason) is not a good sign as to the chances of making the relationship work.  Once trust is lost it's very difficult to regain.

 You should be able to go to your partner for emotional support.  However it is possible that if it was happening frequently, your wife felt like she needed a break from it and had nothing left to give you at the moment she turned her back on you.

You cannot save the relationship by yourself.  She has to be willing to work with you, including talking about your relationship, whether in marriage counseling or just the two of you.  Her being "traumatized" by your silent treatment isn't much different than what she's doing to you now by refusing to discuss your relationship to try and improve the situation.  

If ultimately the marriage ends in divorce, you will be able to start over and can be happier eventually.  Many people, including me, have made it through the end of a marriage.  It's not easy, but for me it truly was preferable to staying in a marriage that was beyond repair.   I'm very happy 5 years later.  So don't let fear make you hold on if after giving it everything you have nothing changes.  

 

[S2B]

Why would you try and save a marriage when your wife hasn’t been acting as a good wife and mother should?

she’s been betraying you and lying to you. She’s put herself and your child at risk by driving drunk.

she has inappropriate relationships and shared your marital info with others - more betrayal.

she stopped being your wife and is now your enemy. She’s gaslighting you.

you can’t trust her.

you need more? 
 

divorce her! She left the marriage a while back. Make sure she’s working. You don’t want to have to pay her any more than what’s necessary.

She has been doing this a long time. Just divorce her.

[Wiseman2]

You need to protect your child. Alcoholism is no joke when kids and drunk driving are involved.

 

[stillafool]

Why don't you want this marriage to end?

[BrokenAndHopeful]

My mind is echoing all of these sentiments but my heart is really trying to  convince me this is worth having. In all honesty, she can be an incredible mother and great wife. Can. I don’t want to give this another go and end up dealing with this same scenario again in a year either though. 
I’m working on my communication issues that she has mentioned as well as working on the anxiety. I am working with a therapist and really wish she would do couples counseling. My issues that she pointed out are fixable as I work on my communication. I’m willing to work on trusting her again but I think that is going to take a lot of time and couples counseling. I’ve always been of the thought that everything is figureoutable (trademarked word btw) and everything is fixable.

The reasons I want to at least try one more time are:

- my son deserves a 2 parent household if that is possible.

- I know what she can be and what we can be. That’s the woman I fell in love with and the one I want. We really do have some amazing memories together.
 

- I suck at giving up on things 
 

The next couple are a bit selfish but

-The housing market sucks right now and I really don’t want to buy another house right now

-I’m 33, the dating pool is a bit more shallow and I really don’t look foreword to jumping in that pool

 

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, BrokenAndHopeful said:

I’m working on my communication issues that she has mentioned as well as working on the anxiety. I am working with a therapist and really wish she would do couples counseling. My issues that she pointed out are fixable as I work on my communication. I’m willing to work on trusting her again but I think that is going to take a lot of time and couples counseling.

Seems like you're doing all the work.  What exactly is she working on to improve this marriage?

[BrokenAndHopeful]

Supposedly she is trying to get a therapist. She said that the friend and her aren’t drinking as much but I’m not sure if that’s true. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, BrokenAndHopeful said:

. She said that the friend and her aren’t drinking as much 

AA is free. The friend is not the problem. Can your child stay with safe sober extended family? 

You need to admit she has a drinking problem. 

 

[BrokenAndHopeful]

We’re doing joint custody and I left the house to stay at my parents for the first time since I was 17. Im still going over there on my days off while she’s at work to carry in firewood and do odd things around the house. Trying to keep it obvious to her that I’m not giving up yet and that I’m willing to work if she is.
 

One other reason I’ve been going over is to kinda keep a check on things and I haven’t noticed alcohol containers in the recycling so I’m hoping she really has quit the alcohol. We still have the joint account open and there aren’t crazy charges on there from restaurants or spirits stores. 

[Irock]

Oh damn.. I'm so sorry.. Well its not just you and her anymore.. You have children in her path of destruction..... Its kinda about them... If she does what it sounds like she's heading for... A tragic ending... Why do you want to be a part of the catastrophe that didn't do anything to get away... Sorry but she's not the same person you think you love...and she's in no shape to be around your kids.. Which dude... You should shield from ANy DANGER

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 11/26/2021 at 2:14 PM, BrokenAndHopeful said:

This one is gonna be a long one so bear with me.

I’ve been together with my wife for 9 years, married for almost 8. I wouldn’t consider it a bad marriage by any means. We’ve always had arguments but we’ve been able to make up. I’ve never cheated on her, never physically abused her and do not lie to her. We share similar interests and wanted a lot of the same things in life. We are both very independent and both could be considered a bit stubborn. That’s likely where the issues began. 

There are a couple of issues that we just have not been able to work through.

The first is a very toxic friend. Initially I had no issues with her friend. Her friend is basically a large child, she comes from a bad childhood and has never had a truly stable relationship. She has huge issues with alcohol as well as mental health issues. My wife thought that she could help her and me thinking she was a very strong willed woman initially supported her effort. Unfortunately it quickly backfired. The biggest fight of our marriage happened when I was working late and they went out for a girls night. I had no issue with this until my wife came home late very intoxicated. I wasn’t worried about the fact she was drunk. I’m no saint myself but I’m firmly against drunk driving. I was worried about the fact that she drove 25 minutes on rural country roads while being very very intoxicated. The next morning she apologized and I thought this was something that wouldn’t happen again. I was even more elated about a year later this toxic friend moved across the country. Ties were cut and they didn’t communicate for a number of years. It was actually some of the better years of our marriage.

Unfortunately the friend moved back. Initially they had a decent friendship although the friend hadn’t changed, my wife wasn’t playing into the single girl alcoholic mentality. Later though, she started drinking heavily and making bad decisions. She never did it while I was at home, she waited until I was at work. Earlier this year when looking over the bank statements I asked her why she had spent $80 at a Mexican restaurant. I thought it was a bad charge or hacked card.  She stated she had ran into one of our mutual friends while her and toxic friend were eating lunch. She told me she paid for everyone’s meals. I felt the story added up but something still wasn’t quite right. I asked our mutual friend and unfortunately got the whole story. She did not pay for anyone elses meal. In fact our mutual friend actually ran into them as they were finishing up and leaving. Her and the toxic friend were so drunk our mutual friend said they could barely stand. The issue was compounded by the fact she had our child with her. The mutual friend made sure they didn’t drive and kept my child safe but was afraid to call me while I was at work because she didn’t wanna get in the middle of our relationship.

When confronted about this my wife of course initially denied and then threw blame at our friend for ratting her out. From that point on the lies added up and the sneaking around got worse. I looked past as much as I could until it got too much. About a month later my wife’s family had planned a beach trip. I was in the middle of some college courses as well as working a lot of hours. While I couldn’t go I told her she and my son should go and enjoy the week. In the middle of the week she had told me that her toxic friend wanted her to go to a party on the Saturday night that she came back, would I watch our son. I was flabbergasted, I felt that she would want some time with us together since she had been gone all week. I was also really aggravated that she would want to go to a party where there would be drugs and alcohol as a 32-year-old married mother.  I made my opinion known but I told her that was up to her to make that decision. I also had made up my mind that if she had went I was done. Luckily she chose not to go, but I think it was only because she had made up her mind that she was not going to be controlled and was going to start looking for a way out. She got incredibly secretive after that and the friend started making it more known of how much she didn’t like me.

The second issue I have not been able to work through is that she has never been emotionally available any time that I have needed it. I am a combat vet turned firefighter paramedic. While I don’t consider myself broken I have had battles of anxiety and depression in the past. I have never been able to turn to her for stability when these issues flare up.

About five years ago I was having an anxiety attack and was trying to talk my issues out with her to calm down. She literally rolled over and told me to my face she did not have time for my baggage. That hit me really hard and I was never really able to turn her with anything after that. In fact, this is where her biggest complaint started. I started shutting down at the first instance of any conflict. I would just shut up and go to my thoughts for hours. Even when it had nothing to do with her this is how I dealt with my issues. She considers the silent treatment and while I’m working on it it is still one of my biggest faults. 

 

 

 

Well, you ruined my plan:

 

After reading the amount above, I was all ready to say: 

 

"all that this soap opera needs is a 3rd party entering the picture".

 

Had you stopped your entry right there (as I did above) it was already enough that you should have recognized so many bad signals that you should have turned and run and never looked back (except for details relating to your shared child, I mean).

 

But now you've even added the high probability that other men are in the picture.

 

Inasmuch as I like to recognize a chance... or some hope... with many of the relationships I've read about on Loveshack...

 

for you it's simply time to  D.T.M.F.A.

 

 

[vla1120]

On 11/26/2021 at 5:14 PM, BrokenAndHopeful said:

She said that I was scaring her being so controlling that I would pull phone records.

This is a bunch of malarkey. You have every right to pull phone records and determine the extent of her infidelity. 

On 11/26/2021 at 5:14 PM, BrokenAndHopeful said:

She told me that the reason that she lies to me is because she knows I will not approve of the things she’s doing with her friend and she doesn’t want me mad.

More malarkey. She knows what she's doing with this toxic friend is WRONG. She has children and she obviously has a drinking problem. If she cares about her children, husband and family, she'll kick the toxic friend to the curb.

On 11/26/2021 at 5:14 PM, BrokenAndHopeful said:

She says she is traumatized by the silent treatment and wants to get therapy, which I support. I discussed getting marriage counseling which she is adamantly against.

She's traumatized? You're the one with PTSD. You're the one with the stressful frontline worker job. She's a poor excuse for a mother and a wife, and she is against marriage counseling? It makes me even more mad that she rolled over and told you she's not interested in your "baggage." That's not the behavior of a good wife and mother. 

On 11/26/2021 at 5:14 PM, BrokenAndHopeful said:

She hasn’t taken any responsibility for any of the things she’s done and sees no wrongdoing in any of it. I want more than anything to get some of those happy years back like when the friend was gone and when she wasn’t trying to connect with someone else but I have no idea how to do it. There are some days I don’t even know if it’s worth it. 

Unfortunately, unless she starts showing some effort that she wants to start being a present mother and wife, I think this relationship is past its due date and you need to move forward with a divorce. I don't say that lightly since I am usually for doing whatever necessary to make a marriage work. The fact that she doesn't seem willing to put in ANY effort whatsoever makes me believe this will be a losing battle continuous cycle for you. I'm sorry you are out here. 

[ChatroomHero]

It appears she is an alcoholic and maybe doing drugs. This behavior sounds like drugs to me and I don't know if it is to the same degree for alcoholics but from some things I have heard and seen, it might be. I just know this sounds like standard behavior of a drug/heroin user.

With that, nothing will ever add up. The bad decisions she makes will not be confined to drinking or drugs, it will expand to all areas of her life. If she is not already, she will become a master manipulator where everything horrible she does will be turned around on you or others. She will drink, drive, do it with the kids in the car, cheat etc., and when you catch her it will be your fault because you are "controlling " because you confirmed she did horrible things. At times she will make her friend out to be horrible to blame things on her but will not stop being friends with her. Other times she will say she is trying to help her friend and her friend is such a good person just going through hard times.

One thing addicts are good at is doing things so horrible you can't hardly process them and then make you think it was driven by something you did and they are good at it, they will have you believing it's your fault until you have a "wait a minute" epiphany. Think about it, she used the act of you catching her cheating texts as justification for her doing it. It's no different than her blaming you for catching her with another guy in bed because "you were supposed to be working late".

I'd guess her friend is a drug user and they work in pairs. They coordinate excuses. If she is out with another guy, they coordinate if anything comes up, her friend will say she was with her.

That gut feeling is right. It's hard to explain but she will set up excuses weeks or months in advance. Like you'll see an old text from a guy that says he'd meet up with her last Tuesday at 5pm. She'll say obviously the guy is being weird and lying because that's when she went to the store and brought home all of those groceries and bought you that ice cream you love that you had Tuesday night and she'll show you a receipt from her purse and show you the time on the receipt says 5:30 pm. You'll think it adds up but your gut says it's off until you remember her thumb was over the date when she showed you the receipt from her purse and you ask to see the receipt again and she'll get defensive. Eventually you'll get it and you see the date is actually last Monday so the ice cream was in the freezer the night before and then realize she made such a big deal out of buying you your favorite ice cream and all kinds of toppings, it was just kinda off. Then you'll realize she never bought that ice cream for you before because she always said she hates it and then remember Tuesday she was "out with her friend" when you got home and she gave you the ice cream at 8pm when she got home because that was her cover story...I did something nice for you that you'll remember because I made a big deal out of it... but it was only for distraction and setting the story so it "adds up" when you question it. Then you'll know she is lying but she'll call you controlling and completely ignore that 10 minutes ago she was adamant she went shopping on Tuesday at 5:30 as her proof she was telling the truth.

They stage wild elaborate excuses that are nebulous and detailed enough that they think covers all the questioning you might have, but they always mess up details because they start from the standpoint that you won't question too deep because on the surface it adds up and they think you trust them like a normal person trusts another normal person. They think showing you a receipt with a time stamp is enough because they don't ever consider you don't trust them and will ask them to move their thumb. That's the gut feeling you need to trust...she made a big deal out of "buying ice cream" for no special reason which was weird and the fact she had the receipt so handy and the way she showed it to you was odd, it's just that in the moment, your subconscious picks up on it but you don't. So it seems to add up and you want to trust her by default so you take it at face value initially but your subconscious/gut isn't buying it.

Sometimes it's 2am, a month later, something you didn't really question before pops in your head and you immediately realize her story did not add up and you have that epiphany.

All I can say is I know what it sounds like and 100% trust your gut. I have also found if you want to fight for about 45 minutes to 2 hours, they'll get tired every time and come around to admitting about 50-60% of what they actually did. When they do start to admit things, you can tell because they will question you to find out about what you actually know so they know what to admit to and what not to admit to. An effective tool I found was never letting on what you know, just repeat you have sources they don't know about and you know everything. I think you said you work for the FD, so she will believe you have access to cop and detective friends, etc. that can find out things because paranoia goes hand in hand with addiction. 

Take it with a grain of salt because I may be wrong but the behavior screams addict to me from personal experience with an addict.

[S2B]

Her gaslighting you is incredible. 
 

tell me when you left you took your child with you? Why did YOU leave? She is the one with sketchy behavior that puts the family at risk… SHE should be the one to leave. 
if needed hire some help for the child when you work.

god I hope that child wasn’t left alone with her!

[BrokenAndHopeful]

I originally left for a couple days for us to figure things out. That turned into her saying “I don’t want it anymore” so I’m gone permanently. I already cleaned out all of my things from the house and we’re  50/50 custody with our son. I left because honestly I was that tired of the crap and didn’t want further confrontation. I stayed gone because while I can afford the mortgage and other bills on my own, it puts me so close to the line that it’s not responsible. She can’t really either but she can leverage money from her family. I don’t have that option and honestly wouldn’t if I could. We finally talked about everything and there’s not really any change except all of the stories continue to morph into lines that put me to blame somehow. We are done, unfortunately have to wait a full year before can file for divorce.

[stillafool]

On 11/27/2021 at 1:44 PM, BrokenAndHopeful said:

Supposedly she is trying to get a therapist. She said that the friend and her aren’t drinking as much but I’m not sure if that’s true. 

Finding a therapist only takes one day.  She needs to stop drinking.  Tell her this.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, BrokenAndHopeful said:

We are done, unfortunately have to wait a full year before can file for divorce.

That's ok. Get your ducks in a row and consult an attorney about how to legally start severing finances. Then when it's time to file you'll be prepared.

[Woggle]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. Get your ducks in a row and consult an attorney about how to legally start severing finances. Then when it's time to file you'll be prepared.

This right here. Make your have a plan in action for when you actually do file. Don't be caught off guard because most likely she has her own plan.

[spiderowl]

You got married to an insensitive, irresponsible woman. Other than for your child, I can see no reason why this marriage is worth saving.

I don’t get the impression you were controlling so much as she was lying to you and things weren’t adding up. Most people would struggle with that and look for meaning.

I know you love her and want this to work out but she is against marital counselling. This is a big signal that she does not want to try.

I think you need to cut your losses here and find a lawyer. I hope in the future you will find someone genuinely loving and understanding.

[S2B]

Does she work full time? You want her working.

you also need to see if you can get full custody of your child! She’s drinking way too much and the child is at risk.

how is she affording the house she stayed in? You should have stayed and she should have left since she is the one causing all the issues!

[vla1120]

On 12/7/2021 at 7:25 AM, BrokenAndHopeful said:

I originally left for a couple days for us to figure things out. That turned into her saying “I don’t want it anymore” so I’m gone permanently. I already cleaned out all of my things from the house and we’re  50/50 custody with our son. I left because honestly I was that tired of the crap and didn’t want further confrontation. I stayed gone because while I can afford the mortgage and other bills on my own, it puts me so close to the line that it’s not responsible. She can’t really either but she can leverage money from her family. I don’t have that option and honestly wouldn’t if I could. We finally talked about everything and there’s not really any change except all of the stories continue to morph into lines that put me to blame somehow. We are done, unfortunately have to wait a full year before can file for divorce.

I'm sorry to hear this, but I think it's better to end this now rather than to have you and your son dragged through years of drama and untrustworthy behavior with her. With you out of the picture, are you concerned about how she might spiral downward? If you mentioned the age of your son, I missed it. Hopefully, when she has your son she will be responsible and attentive, or I hope he is old enough to tell you if/when there is concerning behavior. The more time your son can spend with you, the better. Do you have a lawyer?