Anxiety about the future

[nottheonly1]

Help me, my anxiety is HIGH! I am a 28 year woman and I’ve been in a relationship for nearly three years now. My boyfriend and I live in different countries but I’ve been visiting him a lot because he lives where I’m originally from also. A year into our relationship (when we were both 26), I specifically stated that I wanted to close the distance sooner rather than later because who wants to stay in a long distance relationship! I also had plans in my mind to settle down by a certain time. My boyfriend who is also 28, stated that he actually wanted to settle down by 30 which meant two years on top of my desired timeline because he wanted to get this finances in order. I freaked out and after conversation and realisation, he noticed that 4 years long distance was unreasonable. He stated that it was a personal goal but it actually didn’t mean 4 years. That same year, I visited him and met some of his family. Things were going well and we also discussed a 2-3 year plan. He decided to do his masters in Europe so he can get a better job back in his country and I started to steer my plans towards moving to where he is which was the initial plan. We stated that 2021 will be the year we would marry and I’ll relocate (which I didn’t mind because I always had plans to relocate there eventually). This decision was made at the end of 2019. 

A few months into 2020, things were going well. I established a business to generate some income and he started applying for his masters program. Covid struck so I wasn’t able to travel and his plans to go to Europe to study his masters despite getting admission into two universities had depleted. He then, decided to defer his place to 2021. My business was starting to gain exposure but I decided to focus on my career in the UK more and work towards a promotion and therefore, more money. 2020 was a nice year for us as we spent more time together and spoke much more due to us working from home. We didn’t really discuss much future plans and because of uncertainty, we decided to enjoy the moment. I assumed that we would get married in 2021 because our plans had just been delayed by a year!

 

 

 

At the end of 2020, travel restrictions were lifted and I was able to visit him for Christmas. We spent much more time together and I was able to meet his sister and the rest of his family. It was set in stone that I was the girl he wanted to marry. It was just time for me to inform my family. He’s met my mum briefly in person but they both have a very good relationship through catching up on the phone. My dad however didn’t know much about him and raised some concerns about him.

 

When I arrived back to the UK after the trip at the beginning of 2021, things became worse. My dad refused to give me his blessing after telling him about my boyfriend. He raised his concerns earlier and gave me such a hard time regarding my boyfriend. After speaking to my uncles and his friends who also felt he was being unreasonable, I still felt stressed and emotionally drained because of what my dad was doing. This also caused issues between my parents because my mum didn’t have an issue but my dad did. My dad was also recently diagnosed with kidney disease so he mostly projected his feelings on us. My anxiety heightened. The first half of 2021 was terrible and I found myself crying all the time, plagued with anxiety and worry. I wanted my dads blessing but he didn’t make it easy. I didn’t tell my boyfriend anything but I think he suspected something was wrong because I didn’t really confirm to him about my dads opinion of us. Eventually, my dad gave in and said if I was happy, he was fine with it. This was the go ahead so I let him know. 

I decided to plan towards a break during the year to pursue my personal goals, spend time with him, take time out to study and spend time with my family and friends where he was. It was also a trial run for whether I could relocate. I stopped working and earning for 6 months. At the same time, my boyfriend started to mention his interested in wanting apply for a masters which lasted two years instead of one. He mentioned that he really wanted to stay in this particular town because he had been there before and he was encouraged by friends to take up two years instead of one. I was quite worried that would delay our plans  but still supported him during his application process and subsequent interviews. I asked him what it would men for us and he kind of brushed it off saying it might not even get in so we shouldn’t worry about it too much.  It looked more likely that he was going gain admission but he still never really discussed what that would mean for our future plans. I was getting plagued with anxiety once again because all the time I spent in investing towards our future didn’t seem to be reciprocated. Every decision I’ve made, although personal, I’ve considered him through it all. I eventually brought it up. He made the decision that he would like to get married after he finishes his masters and lands a job. A decision that I wasn’t aware of. That’s when I worried more. I know age isn’t everything but being an only child and within my personal goals, I wanted to be married with at least one child by 30 and Who’s to say that we will get married in the two years he’s saying? He could push it back another year because he wants a stable job or another excuse might come up! I started to doubt him because I couldn’t believe he didn’t consider me in his decisions. He knew we had a plan and most discussions about the future were usually initiated by me although I expressed to him that i wanted more reciprocation and leadership from his end. I also didn’t see why we had to wait until he finished his masters to show commitment  but he expressed otherwise. He said he wants to be financially stable before getting married which I get but not at my expense? I wanted to leave him. Our paths didn’t align but he found another way “assure” me. I just didn’t want to stick around for another two years with no certainty or guarantee that we were going to settle down after that? 

All of this didn’t seem fair. In the end, he asked me what I would want. I said I would have liked our families to have an introduction this year and at least have a small wedding a year later. He stated that there was no need to rush and that we can have the introduction of both families at the end of his first year in 2022 and have a wedding in 2023. Something in me felt like this wasnt going to happen. He could be saying it to shut me up but in reality, things will be pushed back again. I kept worrying but decided to speak to him about it when I arrive for my break.

It was time to travel and the beginning was great! We were having so many active conversations about future plans (which he initiated more) and we got to know each other a lot more since we were together for the longest period of time. It was great because we got to learn more about each other. We also spent a lot of time with his friends (and my cousin whom I had met him through) and things were great! Things were looking up and all of his friends and family knew who I was! I thought he was going to take a bold step and propose, but he didn’t. 

He met a few of my family members but I also felt as though he was avoiding them. For example, when it was time to meet my uncle, he was making excuses and we ended up seeing him much later at night so we couldn’t stay long. This happened on two occasions. When it was a week before leaving for Europe, I invited him to a family party but he used the risk of catching covid  the week before his flight as an excuse for not coming although he was meeting up with his colleagues and friends that same week. I felt like he wasn’t prioritising me the same way I prioritised him. There were a few things he would do which made me feel like he wasn’t as serious to settle down than I thought. It made me question everything and I started getting anxious about the future. I felt like he was stringing me along and would eventually waste my time. I eventually told him how I felt and found every excuse to justify everything he DIDNT do.

Before he left, we had a long chat with his parents. He stated that he wanted our families to meet in May 2022 and we get married in 2023 (month not confirmed) as discussed before I came. I still had my doubts following his actions throughout the trip and somehow felt as though I was pressuring him to do these things because it was only when I’d express how upset I was of our unclear future, he would do something. Is this normal? I would expect the man to take the lead on future conversations and now looking back at things I feel as if I am coming off desperate. But it’s only because I know I’m ready to settle down and I know what I want. Sometimes I feel like I’m asking for too much and he’s rather thinking more about his life than ours. I don’t doubt how he feels about me but sometimes I get feelings of frustration and feel I can wait any longer for him in case he comes up with another excuse. Ive also lowered all of my expectations when it comes to him and I’ve started to be anxious 80% of the time about this. I feel unhappy and unfulfilled in my relationship. It feels like all of my friends are moving on and settling down and I feel stuck for the next two years. Of course, I have my goals but I wanted to be in a particular stage (at least in a place of clear direction). I also fear coming out of this relationship and probably waiting just as long to find another person. There are so many doubts and worries floating around in my head. Before he left for Europe we had a long conversation and I expressed how I felt. He seemed to be lost and didn’t know what else to do. He ended giving me a promise ring.

Im back in the UK now and now he’s in Europe. We’ve had a few conversations about our future although they’ve been vague. He’s spoken about saving money towards our future, creating a future Pinterest board for us to share our interests and possibly moving to the UK after he graduates. However, on the other hand, he mentioned that he wants to work for a few years in the city he’s studying, another plan he’s made alone. I put my foot down and stated that I don’t want to move to where he was due to language constraints.  After a few weeks, I’ve decided not to make my life revolve around him. I’ve also decided to halt my plans for relocating and focus on building a life in the UK (such as buying a house and aiming for another job with a bigger pay rise) because In case I’m hit with disappointment, I still have something for myself. I hate having to live with uncertainty about the future and basically living like I’m single again?

After so many conversations with family and friends, the most common advice has been to wait and see what he does in 2022 instead of what he says he will do I’m impatient, frustrated and anxious that he won’t actually do anything. All I ask for is a FULL commitment and actions to show it instead of words and at my age, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. I’ve invested so much time and money into this relationship to let it go but I also know my worth.

He will be coming to the uk for Christmas to meet my parents officially and my family in the Uk which is another step. I’m looking forward to it but I’m always triggered when I see yet another new couple, baby announcement,  proposal or wedding. I’m constantly reminded that I’ll have to wait a few more years when I always wanted to be there by now. I know I shouldn’t compare but I can’t help it. Even if I leave him, it will still be another two years until I’m comfortable to settle down with another person.

I constantly experience  waves of moments when I cry constantly and worry all the time and I just don’t feel happy. Even when I feel better, I’m not happy and I’m sick of always bringing it up to my friends and mum. Everyone is routing for us and expecting me to be ok and patient but me. I’ve been patient for far too long so you can’t blame me for feeling this way. I think I resent him now and it’s starting to show. I love him but Im just not happy. What should I do? Should I wait and see? What can I do in the mean time to deal with my anxiety? I feel like my mental health has been through a lot and most of it goes back to him.  

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, nottheonly1 said:

After a few weeks, I’ve decided not to make my life revolve around him. I’ve also decided to halt my plans for relocating and focus on building a life in the UK (such as buying a house and aiming for another job with a bigger pay rise) because In case I’m hit with disappointment, I still have something for myself.

That seems like a very good plan. 

Nothing in life is guaranteed. If having a committed relationship is important to you, I find it odd that you chose a man who was from another country. There are just so many complications that you wouldn’t encounter if your partner was from the same country. I’m curious to know how you met and decided he was the one for you? 

[nottheonly1]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That seems like a very good plan. 

Nothing in life is guaranteed. If having a committed relationship is important to you, I find it odd that you chose a man who was from another country. There are just so many complications that you wouldn’t encounter if your partner was from the same country. I’m curious to know how you met and decided he was the one for you? 

I know. It all made sense at the time. At the time, it sounded like the best decision. He is such a great guy and we were somehow making it work. I didn’t really have great luck with men in my own country too (encountered men who also didn’t want commitment) and I also wasn’t really sure where I wanted to be in life. He seemed to be someone who was serious and ready for commitment at the start but maybe reality hit him further along the way. 

He was a mutual friend and we actually became good friends which progressed into something more.

[ExpatInItaly]

You two are not on the same page anymore, and it seems this relationship has become mostly about achieveing X-milestone by X-date. The pleasure of being together has been replaced by constantly stressing over future plans and you constantly seeking reassurance. That must be draining on you both. 

I agree that you should stop revolving your life around his, because it doesn't appear he is as invested in a future together as you are. He has other goals he wants to reach first, and you can't make him want what you want when you want it. Neither of you is unreasonable in your desired life timelines, but they are not very compatible in the long-run. 

You have a big decision to make, and you have to stop lumping all your anxiety on him. You have agency over your own future, too. 

Edited November 27, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

What was your father's objection to him? Are you from the same culture, religion and socioeconomic background?

 

[nottheonly1]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was your father's objection to him? Are you from the same culture, religion and socioeconomic background?

We share the same background just different tribes. My father wasn’t comfortable with the fact that he lived in another country and he didn’t know him and his family well

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

it seems this relationship has become mostly about achieveing X-milestone by X-date.

I agree. As I was reading, I found myself wondering OP if you actually loved the man or if you were primarily concerned with nailing this down so that you would be like your friends - married by x-date, children by x-date. It felt almost like what he wanted didn’t matter, you found a willing body and you were pushing forward with your timeline…

I will tell you this as someone who watched their friends get married and have children before I did - it’s hard. I get it. But, there are some things that can’t be rushed/forced. You will not find happiness if you push forward with your plan if your partner is not happy/committed to the same thing.  And it does seem like this relationship has a lot of complication and a man who may have a different plan than you do…

Edited November 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Did he ever actually buy you an engagement ring or was it just a verbal promise?  I agree with you he doesn't sound half as commited to you as you do him.  I'm sure he was serious when he said he wants to complete his Master's program before he marries.  I don't see him getting married for the next 5 years.  I think you need to rethink all of this.

[nottheonly1]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I agree. As I was reading, I found myself wondering OP if you actually loved the man or if you were primarily concerned with nailing this down so that you would be like your friends - married by x-date, children by x-date. It felt almost like what he wanted didn’t matter, you found a willing body and you were pushing forward with your timeline…

I will tell you this as someone who watched their friends get married and have children before I did - it’s hard. I get it. But, there are some things that can’t be rushed/forced. You will not find happiness if you push forward with your plan if your partner is not happy/committed to the same thing.  And it does seem like this relationship has a lot of complication and a man who may have a different plan than you do…

I do love him. I always have. I just feel as though he knew how I felt about closing the distance and wanting to settle down but didn’t think to discuss anything with me. In my mind, if you’re planning to have a future with someone, you consider them in your future decisions too. 
 

I hate that it’s come to this and I wish I left as soon as I realised we weren’t on the same page. Whenever I would pull away, he would do something that would show an ounce of commitment (such as giving me a promise ring, telling me not to stress, talking about a wedding and our future living plans) and I would stay. I’m starting to resent him because I honestly should have known. Now it’s 3 years deep and both sides our families know we’re together so it’s harder to leave. I don’t agree that I don’t care what he wants. When you’ve had a discussion with someone and made a plan then they go off on a tangent, won’t you feel hurt by it? I’m not necessarily pressured by everyone but I personally had goals too which I clearly communicated to him and he had no objections with it. I want him to do well and ive supported him every step of the way so I do care about what he wants. My question is, why should you put the progress of this relationship on hold when you know what I’ve wanted all this time. I’m not getting younger and I don’t want to waste my time with someone who’s stringing me along and I shouldn’t feel bad for knowing what I want. It’s just when I see others settling, it reminds me more about how complicated my relationship is and hurts me. I understand that we are both on different stages but I know for a fact that if I leave this relationship, he will probably rush and do something to keep me around which is what I want to avoid. But if I stay, I’ll continue being unhappy because my needs are not being met too. It hurts because I’ve put so much into the relationship and I don’t want it to end but at the same time, I don’t want to waste my time or pressure anyone to do anything they don’t want.

[nottheonly1]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Did he ever actually buy you an engagement ring or was it just a verbal promise?  I agree with you he doesn't sound half as commited to you as you do him.  I'm sure he was serious when he said he wants to complete his Master's program before he marries.  I don't see him getting married for the next 5 years.  I think you need to rethink all of this.

He has not bought me an engagement ring. He bought me a promise ring promising to marry me eventually. My worry is that I’ll stay another two years then he turns around and says another two years. Then ive just wasted two years when I could have moved on to someone else who was ready.

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, nottheonly1 said:

He has not bought me an engagement ring.

Never take an engagement seriously until your receive a ring or a date is set to go ring shopping.  A ring on your finger will tell you the guy is invested and serious about moving to the next level.  I look at women strangely when they tell me they're engaged with no ring on their finger and a date set to get married.

 

11 minutes ago, nottheonly1 said:

He bought me a promise ring promising to marry me eventually

How old are you guys?

[nottheonly1]

53 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Never take an engagement seriously until your receive a ring or a date is set to go ring shopping.  A ring on your finger will tell you the guy is invested and serious about moving to the next level.  I look at women strangely when they tell me they're engaged with no ring on their finger and a date set to get married.

 

How old are you guys?

I know. You understand my doubts and anxiety? We’re both 28 (I also didn’t know people were giving each other promise rings at this age too) and I think he doesn’t have enough financially to buy me the “ring that I deserve.” I’ve never ever said I wanted an expensive, extravagant ring so I wonder what goes on in his mind sometimes. When I asked him why I received a promise ring instead of an engagement ring, he said it wouldn’t be fair to have a two year engagement and that I’ll have an engagement ring when it’s closer to “the time.” I didn’t want to come off desparate or ungrateful so I left it. Either way, the ring is nothing compared to the uncertainty around the plans of what we will be doing to be committed in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, nottheonly1 said:

My question is, why should you put the progress of this relationship on hold when you know what I’ve wanted all this time

Because he seems to have reservations about it now, and his feelings are important too. 

I understand why you are disappointed. I do.  But do you really want him to go along with it even if it's not what he genuinely wants right now? I have seen couples who marry when it was clear that one person was not ready, but was doing it more or less just to please the other one.

Those marriages have not gone well. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, nottheonly1 said:

he said it wouldn’t be fair to have a two year engagement and that I’ll have an engagement ring when it’s closer to “the time.”

So you guys aren't really engaged yet?

 

 

[nottheonly1]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because he seems to have reservations about it now, and his feelings are important too. 

I understand why you are disappointed. I do.  But do you really want him to go along with it even if it's not what he genuinely wants right now? I have seen couples who marry when it was clear that one person was not ready, but was doing it more or less just to please the other one.

Those marriages have not gone well. 

I understand. I do get that as a student now, he isn’t in the best position financially to even finance our future so he is insecure about that. I’m much more financially stable so I don’t mind picking things up until he stabilises himself but he doesn’t want that so I understand. My problem is that he expects me to compromise so much when he doesn’t compromise for me. I really don’t want to pressure him into anything and I’ve realised that it’s not the right thing to do. If he’s not ready, I won’t hold it against him. Just don’t breadcrumb me to keep me around. It’s not fair. Just let me go. But he won’t and I know if I have a serious conversation with him about us parting ways (like I’ve done a few times before), he’s going to do something else to prove his commitment or do something not to lose me. I’m not asking him to go along with anything anymore. I know what I want, I just can’t compromise on anything more especially when it comes to my life and values. He should stop pretending he’s ready and accept that he’s not ready.

 

[nottheonly1]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

So you guys aren't really engaged yet?

 

 

Nope. He gave me a promise ring to promise that we will be engaged then married

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, nottheonly1 said:

Just don’t breadcrumb me to keep me around. It’s not fair. Just let me go.

That’s not his decision, it’s yours. 

You know what his plan is now. You don’t want to pressure him to do something he doesn’t want to do. If you are not prepared to wait, then you need to make a different decision for yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, nottheonly1 said:

Just don’t breadcrumb me to keep me around. It’s not fair. Just let me go.

Why is this solely up to him?

You should let him go if you're unhappy. 

[ShyViolet]

19 hours ago, nottheonly1 said:

Just don’t breadcrumb me to keep me around. It’s not fair. Just let me go. But he won’t and I know if I have a serious conversation with him about us parting ways (like I’ve done a few times before), he’s going to do something else to prove his commitment or do something not to lose me. 

You're acting like he has 100% control over the situation and like you can't make your own choices.

You can walk away from this right now if you truly realize that it's not working.  He doesn't make all the decisions for you.