Husband vs cat

[FerociousBadAss]

I used to live with my parents and my cat became like their cat too bc they loved him & he got super spoiled. When I moved out they wanted to keep him. Now I'm married and my parents can no longer keep my cat bc he's been diagnosed with a very manageable disease i can afford but is too much for them in their old age. My husband says he'd rather the cat be euthanized than live with us and wants me to find my elderly, cat now with special needs ( but REALLY not very hard to manage needs AT ALL) a new home. His only reason, he didn't really like the cat ... The cat didn't come out or play with him enough whenever we'd visit it. Honestly, trying not to throw up at the cruelty of this statement and trying to not put cats before people. I COULD NOT put an OTHERWISE HAPPY/HEALTHY cat to sleep, not without hating myself and him forever. I think putting the cat to sleep would be what many very old school, loviNG women I have met would do to 'put their marriage before their pet'. Has anyone had to navigate anything similar & been able to forgive comments like these? Any pearls of wisdom? Rehoming, is an option I'm looking into. My cat's best option would be a quiet older couple and not me for a number reasons (that aren't my husband). I feel like my heart, soul, and happiness are so cast aside. My cats are my babies. I want to throw up this was suggested even!

[basil67]

I'm sorry your husband said hurtful things about the cat.  But given that he ultimately said he wants you to find the cat a new home...and you agree that your home isn't the best place for the cat.... I'd view his words as a throwaway comment.  Possibly said in the heat of the moment?  

 

[Happy Lemming]

Are there any "no kill" animal shelters in your area??  If so, take the cat to them and they will find it a home.

I have an elderly neighbor that takes on rescue dogs from puppy mills (even if they have issues/problems).  She helps them live out the balance of their lives in peace and happiness.  I'm sure there is a similar person to take your cat and provide it with a happy home for the balance of its life.

[Alpacalia]

If the cat is not suffering, I don't see why such suggestion would be made.

That's your cat, and consider all the love and happiness he's offered you throughout the years.

If you must, yes, there are plenty of no-kill shelters and foster homes that would be more than happy to provide a wonderful life for your cat in his elder years.

 

[BaileyB]

Why don’t you pay the medical bills and allow your parents to keep the cat in their home? Is it just the finances, or the actual care that they can no longer manage?

I will say, I adopted a cat when I met/moved in with my partner. I discovered in the process that I am NOT a cat person. I was allergic to the cat and I just never developed warm feelings for the cat (and he was a pretty likeable cat).  I did suffer through for a few years because I didn’t want to ask my partner and his son to get rid of their cat. He passed this past summer and while my partner and his son were very sad (and I was sad that they were sad), I was secretly very happy that we no longer have a cat in our home. 

So, while his comment was insensitive, I can appreciate his feelings because some people are not cat people. I think you need to respect that. 

I also think you need to look long term because if your cats are your babies, are you prepared to live with a man who does not want cats in his home?

Edited November 27, 2021 by BaileyB

[glows]

10 hours ago, FerociousBadAss said:

I used to live with my parents and my cat became like their cat too bc they loved him & he got super spoiled. When I moved out they wanted to keep him. Now I'm married and my parents can no longer keep my cat bc he's been diagnosed with a very manageable disease i can afford but is too much for them in their old age. My husband says he'd rather the cat be euthanized than live with us and wants me to find my elderly, cat now with special needs ( but REALLY not very hard to manage needs AT ALL) a new home. His only reason, he didn't really like the cat ... The cat didn't come out or play with him enough whenever we'd visit it. Honestly, trying not to throw up at the cruelty of this statement and trying to not put cats before people. I COULD NOT put an OTHERWISE HAPPY/HEALTHY cat to sleep, not without hating myself and him forever. I think putting the cat to sleep would be what many very old school, loviNG women I have met would do to 'put their marriage before their pet'. Has anyone had to navigate anything similar & been able to forgive comments like these? Any pearls of wisdom? Rehoming, is an option I'm looking into. My cat's best option would be a quiet older couple and not me for a number reasons (that aren't my husband). I feel like my heart, soul, and happiness are so cast aside. My cats are my babies. I want to throw up this was suggested even!

The poor kitty with one displacement after another. I wish I could take him in. I would try hard to find him a home, rehoming him and do a few interviews. Ask that any responses to your ad contain some info about the new owner and the space he'll be going to. I had to rehome my cat due to allergies and followed up with the new owner a few months later. He sent me photos and we keep in touch about how he's doing, a big fluffy maine coon, and the sweetest thing that ever fluffed out on the floor. No kill shelters are a great suggestion too. I'm so sorry about this. 

As for your husband, I'd probably let off steam as usual... going for a run or swimming. Don't respond to his comment as it might make things a bit worse for you and it's already hurtful. He may have said a few things in the past that lacked empathy and this is just the last of it that breaks the camel's back. The priority is finding your cat a good home although I secretly hope you both can keep him.

[mark clemson]

LT relationships require compromise. That goes for both you and him. Try to find a reasonable solution that minimizes impact to both of you, as well as the cat.

[FerociousBadAss]

Thank you all for your help. Well I was able to bite my tongue for a day then he did something very very minor that I got mad at him about because of the pent up anger about this 🙄 oops. But we talked through it and it turns out he was speaking dramatically for emphasis that he didn't want the kitty BUT if worse came to worse he'll allow kitty to stay. Parents already getting money for housing cat and age just too old to manage. He's a very hard cat to find a new home for due to his manageable condition that even shelters typically don't take cats like him. I'll double, triple and quadruple my efforts to find him a home so he doesn't have two home moves!

[Els]

On 11/27/2021 at 4:25 PM, FerociousBadAss said:

My husband says he'd rather the cat be euthanized than live with us and wants me to find my elderly, cat now with special needs ( but REALLY not very hard to manage needs AT ALL) a new home. His only reason, he didn't really like the cat ... The cat didn't come out or play with him enough whenever we'd visit it.

If this is really what he said verbatim (and not an assumption or misinterpretation on your part), IMO it absolutely does say something about the person he truly is. I can't ever, ever, ever imagine telling someone to euthanize their cat just because the cat didn't play with me. "I was speaking dramatically for emphasis" is not an excuse. If this is a new marriage, frankly I would view the incident as a yellow flag, and would be more cautious around the person.

I think it's a good idea to look for a home for your cat regardless, if you feel you can't give the cat the best care. And I would never suggest that someone "choose a cat over their spouse" in general - for instance, if the cat was biting your spouse or your spouse had a severe allergy to the cat and nicely suggested that perhaps you should find the cat a new home, I would agree with your spouse. But how a man treats helpless animals says a lot about him, and this - "euthanize kitty cause kitty doesn't play with me" - is frankly such a cruel, inhumane and petty response that even reading it gives me the chills. What kind of person even says that???? Hopefully it was a one-off event, but I'd be on my guard if I were you.

[ShyViolet]

Honestly, the comments he made about the cat say a lot about him as a person.  I would never be with someone who is capable of being cruel or callous towards animals.  The way he has acted towards this cat is a red flag and a sign of poor character.  I don't know how you could be with someone like that.