Feel like family doesn't care

[Sugarkane2]

I took the advice from here and did ask CPS that I wanted resources to be independent. But they brushed me off and nothing came of it.

[Sugarkane2]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Why is CPS involved? Do you have custody of your children?

Are either you or thier father working? Why do you live with his parents?

 

Someone called CPS making false allegations. My husband is working. I don’t live with his parents anymore 

[basil67]

It sounds like CPS are considering giving you your children back.  Meeting your parents would be related to ensuring that you have solid family support.   Cutting off your father because he changed his mind about giving you money would be the most irresponsible thing you could do at this point and likely threaten your chances of gaining custody.

[basil67]

Here is your old thread under a different username for context 

 

[Sugarkane2]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

It sounds like CPS are considering giving you your children back.  Meeting your parents would be related to ensuring that you have solid family support.   Cutting off your father because he changed his mind about giving you money would be the most irresponsible thing you could do at this point and likely threaten your chances of gaining custody.

I guess reluctantly you’re right.

[Sugarkane2]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

It sounds like CPS are considering giving you your children back.  Meeting your parents would be related to ensuring that you have solid family support.   Cutting off your father because he changed his mind about giving you money would be the most irresponsible thing you could do at this point and likely threaten your chances of gaining custody.

CPS isn’t involved with my daughter. Only my son. There’s a typo- I meant living with my family, not meeting.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry, OP, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with.  You have ended up in a situation where you have a husband with his own difficulties and two children.  Also, you have no job and presumably no money.

It is true that you can't expect your father to help you out.  Yes, a decent father would help out his child if he could, unless that child refused his help and told him to get lost.  If your father made you a promise and broke it, I'm truly sorry.  The fact is though that you now know he is not reliable and that you need to rely on your own and your husband's resources when possible.  Believe me, I know how hard this is.

I am also aware that life is not the same for young people now.  The days when people walked into a job if they sent in a letter or attended an interview are gone.  There is fierce competition out there and those without social skills struggle.  There is even fiercer competition for higher-paid jobs and young people are having to rely on parents and relatives more than they used to.  This does not mean that you should expect them to help, just that I know you are facing a struggle.

If CPS want you to be in contact with your father in order to get custody of your child back, then you need to consider what is in your child's best interests (and yours).  Your father is clearly not perfect and you cannot rely on him to keep promises about money.  Can you rely on him in any other way?  Does he usually keep his word?

I am sorry for your dilemma.  I would think CPS is trying to make sure you have external support for if your child is returned to you.  They do not want you to be struggling on your own.  Do you have anyone around who is a friend and who supports you?  If they are a decent, law-abiding person who is no threat to children, then you could mention them to CPS.  However, if CPS have said your parents must be involved or you do not get custody, that leaves you with the choice of having your child back and maintaining a basic relationship with your parents or not having your child back.  It sounds awful to me and rather stupid of CPS if they think that pulling a child and their parents together is a good idea if they are already pretty estranged.  Something doesn't sound right.  

Do CPS know your parents?  Have they met them?  If so, they may be getting a different story from them about what happened.  If they do not know them, then it may be educational for CPS to get to know your parents.  They might be more understanding about how you are in a difficult position.  It is hard to know as there are usually two sides to a story.  There is also a possibility that they may be able to act as an effective go-between with respect to the conflict you have with your father.  It would depend on whether your father co-operated too.

Why did CPS take your child into care in the first place?  Surely they should not do so solely on the grounds of poverty?  If that were the case, they should be supporting you to help you get out of poverty.

Whatever happens, I hope things improve for you soon.  There is no point resenting your dad for not rescuing you.  Yes, dad's are supposed to do that but they are also human and they also fail sometimes.  I am not excusing him, just saying he is imperfect as we all are.

Edited October 10, 2021 by spiderowl

[Sugarkane2]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

I am sorry, OP, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with.  You have ended up in a situation where you have a husband with his own difficulties and two children.  Also, you have no job and presumably no money.

It is true that you can't expect your father to help you out.  Yes, a decent father would help out his child if he could, unless that child refused his help and told him to get lost.  If your father made you a promise and broke it, I'm truly sorry.  The fact is though that you now know he is not reliable and that you need to rely on your own and your husband's resources when possible.  Believe me, I know how hard this is.

I am also aware that life is not the same for young people now.  The days when people walked into a job if they sent in a letter or attended an interview are gone.  There is fierce competition out there and those without social skills struggle.  There is even fiercer competition for higher-paid jobs and young people are having to rely on parents and relatives more than they used to.  This does not mean that you should expect them to help, just that I know you are facing a struggle.

If CPS want you to be in contact with your father in order to get custody of your child back, then you need to consider what is in your child's best interests (and yours).  Your father is clearly not perfect and you cannot rely on him to keep promises about money.  Can you rely on him in any other way?  Does he usually keep his word?

I am sorry for your dilemma.  I would think CPS is trying to make sure you have external support for if your child is returned to you.  They do not want you to be struggling on your own.  Do you have anyone around who is a friend and who supports you?  If they are a decent, law-abiding person who is no threat to children, then you could mention them to CPS.  However, if CPS have said your parents must be involved or you do not get custody, that leaves you with the choice of having your child back and maintaining a basic relationship with your parents or not having your child back.  It sounds awful to me and rather stupid of CPS if they think that pulling a child and their parents together is a good idea if they are already pretty estranged.  Something doesn't sound right.  

Do CPS know your parents?  Have they met them?  If so, they may be getting a different story from them about what happened.  If they do not know them, then it may be educational for CPS to get to know your parents.  They might be more understanding about how you are in a difficult position.  It is hard to know as there are usually two sides to a story.  There is also a possibility that they may be able to act as an effective go-between with respect to the conflict you have with your father.  It would depend on whether your father co-operated too.

Why did CPS take your child into care in the first place?  Surely they should not do so solely on the grounds of poverty?  If that were the case, they should be supporting you to help you get out of poverty.

Whatever happens, I hope things improve for you soon.  There is no point resenting your dad for not rescuing you.  Yes, dad's are supposed to do that but they are also human and they also fail sometimes.  I am not excusing him, just saying he is imperfect as we all are.

CPS doesn’t seem to care. I told them about my father and nothing came out of it. 

[Sugarkane2]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

I am sorry, OP, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with.  You have ended up in a situation where you have a husband with his own difficulties and two children.  Also, you have no job and presumably no money.

It is true that you can't expect your father to help you out.  Yes, a decent father would help out his child if he could, unless that child refused his help and told him to get lost.  If your father made you a promise and broke it, I'm truly sorry.  The fact is though that you now know he is not reliable and that you need to rely on your own and your husband's resources when possible.  Believe me, I know how hard this is.

I am also aware that life is not the same for young people now.  The days when people walked into a job if they sent in a letter or attended an interview are gone.  There is fierce competition out there and those without social skills struggle.  There is even fiercer competition for higher-paid jobs and young people are having to rely on parents and relatives more than they used to.  This does not mean that you should expect them to help, just that I know you are facing a struggle.

If CPS want you to be in contact with your father in order to get custody of your child back, then you need to consider what is in your child's best interests (and yours).  Your father is clearly not perfect and you cannot rely on him to keep promises about money.  Can you rely on him in any other way?  Does he usually keep his word?

I am sorry for your dilemma.  I would think CPS is trying to make sure you have external support for if your child is returned to you.  They do not want you to be struggling on your own.  Do you have anyone around who is a friend and who supports you?  If they are a decent, law-abiding person who is no threat to children, then you could mention them to CPS.  However, if CPS have said your parents must be involved or you do not get custody, that leaves you with the choice of having your child back and maintaining a basic relationship with your parents or not having your child back.  It sounds awful to me and rather stupid of CPS if they think that pulling a child and their parents together is a good idea if they are already pretty estranged.  Something doesn't sound right.  

Do CPS know your parents?  Have they met them?  If so, they may be getting a different story from them about what happened.  If they do not know them, then it may be educational for CPS to get to know your parents.  They might be more understanding about how you are in a difficult position.  It is hard to know as there are usually two sides to a story.  There is also a possibility that they may be able to act as an effective go-between with respect to the conflict you have with your father.  It would depend on whether your father co-operated too.

Why did CPS take your child into care in the first place?  Surely they should not do so solely on the grounds of poverty?  If that were the case, they should be supporting you to help you get out of poverty.

Whatever happens, I hope things improve for you soon.  There is no point resenting your dad for not rescuing you.  Yes, dad's are supposed to do that but they are also human and they also fail sometimes.  I am not excusing him, just saying he is imperfect as we all are.

I also don’t want to be guilt tripped later on into looking after him. He Hasan abrasive personality.

[spiderowl]

4 minutes ago, Sugarkane2 said:

CPS doesn’t seem to care. I told them about my father and nothing came out of it. 

What did you expect CPS to do about your father?  You say you told them about it but nothing came of it.

I can see no reason why you should look after your father later on if he has been unpleasant to you.  Who do you think will guilt-trip you?

[Sugarkane2]

Just now, spiderowl said:

What did you expect CPS to do about your father?  You say you told them about it but nothing came of it.

I can see no reason why you should look after your father later on if he has been unpleasant to you.  Who do you think will guilt-trip you?

I expected CPS to get me the routers to be independent. But they just seem to want the easiest option. I expect to be guilt tripped by my dad and family later on because he always does what happened to him no matter what.

[basil67]

You said you asked CPS about resources to help you to be more independent.  What kind of resources were you hoping they would provide?

[Sugarkane2]

24 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You said you asked CPS about resources to help you to be more independent.  What kind of resources were you hoping they would provide?

Any I’m not sure. It’s what people suggested.

[Sugarkane2]

I don’t know whether to stay in this marriage 

[spiderowl]

2 hours ago, Sugarkane2 said:

I don’t know whether to stay in this marriage 

If your husband has Asperger's, is there any help locally he could get?  There are often local societies or organisations that can advice and support people with Asperger's.  He is struggling for a reason.  If you love him, I would not give up on him without good cause.  It may be that he is entitled to some state benefits because of his autism.  You need proper advice from a dedicated autism organisation to explain what help is or is not available.

[Sugarkane2]

2 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

If your husband has Asperger's, is there any help locally he could get?  There are often local societies or organisations that can advice and support people with Asperger's.  He is struggling for a reason.  If you love him, I would not give up on him without good cause.  It may be that he is entitled to some state benefits because of his autism.  You need proper advice from a dedicated autism organisation to explain what help is or is not available.

He won’t get help

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Sugarkane2 said:

I don’t know whether to stay in this marriage 

Why did you have another child? Your marriage is unstable. You are financially unstable. You don’t have custody of your first child. 

CPS will provide support to some parents who require assistance to learn how to parent (ie. parenting classes, possibly counselling). I’ve even seen them offer some support for childcare when there are exceptional needs that make it difficult for parents. It’s not their role to become involved in your family drama with your parents or to provide financial assistance. Their role is to protect your child and remove the child from your care if they are at risk. You should be doing everything you can to prove to CPS that you are a competent parent who is capable of providing for yourself and your child independently. 

Edited October 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[Daisydooks]

A friend of mine is currently raising her sisters children. She is doing so because her sister was not a stable parent. Her sister had a bright idea to tell CPS that her sister (my friend) was being difficult for not allowing access *while she was under the influence she said no to any visits* and CPS decided she was difficult, making others lives difficult and was then given access in the CPS center because she couldnt get along with her family.  Her little idea about complaining about how terrible my friend is backfired.  My friend allowed access any and all days she was sober and present. She denied access when she was not a safe person. 

If your father is helping raise your kids, the last thing you want to do is prove to CPS even further you cant look after them and / or get along with the person raising them. The very last thing you want to do is prove theyre right for removing your children and this childish nonsense is only proving CPS right. Grow up, get a job and fend for yourself 

 If your father has to sell a car to help you, he doesn't have the money to help you.  The more you focus on him not selling a car to provide for YOUR children, the worse this gets. You actually told CPS this? What did you expect CPS to do? Make him sell it so you could finally be a parent? Please tell me you're joking

[Alvi]

Let's say your father sells his car and gives the money to you. That money is only going to last for how long? A year, a couple of years the most??? And then what? How are you doing to support yourself and your kids after that money is no longer there? Do you have a plan? Are you going to get mad at your father yet again because he is not helping you or because he made you some promises that he hasn't kept? You are a grown up married woman with two children. You are not a child anymore. You cannot expect your father to help you or to bail your out. You have to become more self-sufficient.  Family, people around you don't always keep their promises. That is why you need to become more independent and rely on yourself. You cannot rely on your father forever.

I would really love to hear what your father has to say before making any judgements. I am sure there is whole different side of this story that you are not telling us. 

16 hours ago, Sugarkane2 said:

I expected CPS to get me the routers to be independent. But they just seem to want the easiest option. I expect to be guilt tripped by my dad and family later on because he always does what happened to him no matter what.

Have you asked them about helping you with finding the job, getting you some skills that might be needed in order for you to get a job. How about some parenting classes. Or how about a subsidized housing that you could afford to live in.

16 hours ago, Sugarkane2 said:

CPS doesn’t seem to care. I told them about my father and nothing came out of it. 

Do you honestly expect them to tell your father that he has to  sell his car in order to support you, your kids and your husband? They are not going to call him up on his lies or on his false promises. 

13 hours ago, Sugarkane2 said:

He won’t get help

It's too bad your husband would not get any help. I guess it would be a good place to start. 

[Els]

Why on earth would you go ahead and have a SECOND child when you already have CPS involved with your first child and you and your husband couldn't even support your existing family???

Why on earth do two 30-something year olds expect a parent to sell their car to give them money?????

If I was your father I would cut YOU off, goodness gracious. The man has the patience of a saint.

[basil67]

My gut feeling is that your father promised money and then something happened to change his mind.  And I also have a feeling that whatever changed his mind is also related to you not having custody.  People are allowed to break promises if circumstances change. 

I've said before and I'll say it again, you are a grown adult.  If you want to demonstrate that you can be a good parent, do so without expecting handouts from your father.   When you have personal responsibility worked out, then the rest will fall into place.  

[Wiseman2]

You need all the help and support you can get, so if someone is supportive don't be manipulative about material things they don't owe you.

 Have you heard the saying:

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."?

Basically it's best if you find ways to support yourself and your children. Even if it's through social services. Get help with housing, food stamps, employment placement, healthcare for yourself and your children, etc.

Don't look for a handout, look for a hand up.

[Sugarkane2]

2 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Why on earth would you go ahead and have a SECOND child when you already have CPS involved with your first child and you and your husband couldn't even support your existing family???

Why on earth do two 30-something year olds expect a parent to sell their car to give them money?????

If I was your father I would cut YOU off, goodness gracious. The man has the patience of a saint.

CPS isn’t involved with my first child. It went straight to court. 

[Sugarkane2]

9 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

A friend of mine is currently raising her sisters children. She is doing so because her sister was not a stable parent. Her sister had a bright idea to tell CPS that her sister (my friend) was being difficult for not allowing access *while she was under the influence she said no to any visits* and CPS decided she was difficult, making others lives difficult and was then given access in the CPS center because she couldnt get along with her family.  Her little idea about complaining about how terrible my friend is backfired.  My friend allowed access any and all days she was sober and present. She denied access when she was not a safe person. 

If your father is helping raise your kids, the last thing you want to do is prove to CPS even further you cant look after them and / or get along with the person raising them. The very last thing you want to do is prove theyre right for removing your children and this childish nonsense is only proving CPS right. Grow up, get a job and fend for yourself 

 If your father has to sell a car to help you, he doesn't have the money to help you.  The more you focus on him not selling a car to provide for YOUR children, the worse this gets. You actually told CPS this? What did you expect CPS to do? Make him sell it so you could finally be a parent? Please tell me you're joking

I was just doing what people advised me on here. I didn’t tell CPS about the car.

[Sugarkane2]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need all the help and support you can get, so if someone is supportive don't be manipulative about material things they don't owe you.

 Have you heard the saying:

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."?

Basically it's best if you find ways to support yourself and your children. Even if it's through social services. Get help with housing, food stamps, employment placement, healthcare for yourself and your children, etc.

Don't look for a handout, look for a hand up.

Then why didn’t he just help me find work? I couldn’t get work and was struggling and didn’t have any confidence. I really needed help but didn’t know where to find it.