Feelingstuck21 Posted November 27, 2021 Share Posted November 27, 2021 How many red flags outweigh the good? I met my husband two years ago and from the moment we met he told me his grandparents own the largest cattle farm in the state and were millionaires. He made it believable and even sent me pictures of him on horses at the farm. He sent me pictures of a huge beachside plantation style hole he said they owned in Mississippi, he even sent me a lake house on a llama near my hometown saying they were looking in my state. Before we went to meet his family me told me not to mention the cattle farm and then started downplaying it as the meeting approached. He told me they lived very modestly and did not flash their money. Then he told me they were only part owners and had no real involvement. Once I met his grandparents they lived in a very small but nice home. While his grandfather did own most of the land in the area they were far from millionaires, didn’t own any beach houses or cattle. I didn’t bring this up to his family because I knew once we arrived it was an elaborate lie. But I talked to him about this and explained that I was in love with him, not what his family is worth. So we stayed together and everything seemed fine. Although I started to notice other lies he had told me by interacting with his close friends. He has even told several of his new friends the story about his family. You see he is in the military and doesn’t live at home anymore so it was easy to make up this fake identity. Still I stayed. And we got married. Months into the marriage I was increasingly unhappy. He is incredibly jealous and controlling. He has to read every single message I send or receive and when he shares something on social media I better react within 5 minutes or he’s mad. He also seems to have no empathy for others or animals. I am a very empathetic person and I can’t relate to him this way. He is very strict with our dogs to the point his own family will get onto him for how cruel he is. Our dogs just submit and cower to him. When they do something wrong he will drag them by their collar like he is choking them. I have told him repeatedly I didn’t like how he punishes them and he just doesn’t see a problem with it. He tells me our dogs a well behaved because of how he disciplines them. My little dog will pee all over the place if he walks towards him too quickly. He seems to get a euphoric high when he has them in this cowering state and they whimper when he lunges toward them. I am not sure how to explain it in words. You just have to see it. I decided I wanted some time alone to think about our marriage almost a year ago so I left. He wouldn’t let me leave for hours he blocked to doorway, physically held me still thinking I just needed to calm down or give him a hug and it’ll all be better. But I threatened to get the military police involved so he let me leave. He then broke our fence and punched a hole in the door. He drove himself so crazy over me wanting time away to think that he had to be committed to a mental hospital. He called me relentlessly and put me as his point of contact. He told me his family wouldn’t come check him out. So I went back. When he was released after a 14 day hold he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder among other tendencies. So there I was back in the same relationship. I found out a lot of things about him but I also felt horrible for him. As a kid he did some pretty messed up things around his house and blamed it on his sister who was two years younger and she ended up being sent to a behavioral hospital. He finally told his parents it was him. He told me he intentionally caught his church on fire one day but he “didn’t want to to hurt anyone” thankfully it didn’t. When I try to explain his troubling tendencies to him he yells at me and tells me he doesn’t understand why I’m so mean to him and that all of our problems are my fault. He also calls me a narcissist. I am not a mean person by nature but I am brutally honest and will tell him when things he does isn’t normal behavior. Like when we fight he leaves the room and talks to himself, sometimes he slaps himself in the face. I have a home with my ex husband we coparent in and I do have the option to move there. I feel like I should definitely leave but then he just showers me with affection and guilt and I can’t leave. He has made a wonderful bond with my son and I know it’ll hurt my son if I leave. While sitting at lunch with my son the other day he pulled up a video of someone being beaten to death and laughed. He then tried to get me to look at the persons dead body. sometimes I am downright scared of what he is capable of. I listen to true crime podcasts religiously and I know he has some very troubling tendencies. I honestly just don’t know how to get out of this. Am I overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted November 27, 2021 Share Posted November 27, 2021 It makes me sick to read this. You are in a very abusive relationship, and yes you need to leave. When you leave please make sure to get the dogs out of that house as well. They would be better off in a shelter than in that house. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 27, 2021 Share Posted November 27, 2021 No, you're not overreacting. Protect your son if anything and take him away from this person. I hope both of you leave for good and you file for divorce. You did mention feeling sorry for him but remaining in the line of fire or around a live wire like this is not going to help you, your abusive husband or your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 27, 2021 Share Posted November 27, 2021 Privately and confidentiality contact an attorney for divorce. Enlist the help of friends and family to extricate yourself from this. Do not let him around you child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted December 15, 2021 Share Posted December 15, 2021 (edited) OMG, you need to get out of this dangerous relationship and find somewhere safe for you, your son and your pets, where he won't find you! It is that serious! You are not overreacting. It sounds like you got caught up in his lies then gradually found out they were lies. Then you made excuses for him, believing he did not mean to be a liar. Now you know he lies deliberately to manipulate people and you are feeling guilt at wanting out. Put aside any guilt you may feel; this guy does not deserve your understanding. You need to get out for your own safety. The guy is dangerous. He has set a fire deliberately. He has been violent. You say this guy has no empathy. I can promise you that that is the most serious of matters. He is cruel to animals - how you cannot see that and want to get your dogs away from him beats me! I can only assume you have been brainwashed by him or are afraid of his reaction if you stand up for your pets. I watch a lot of real crime dramas. Your story has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship that becomes ever more dangerous. This guy will be a danger to you when you leave. This is why you need to go somewhere safe and keep it secret from anyone who might tell him. You also need to get a restraining order. However, do not rely on this to keep you safe. Instead, install security systems and do not tell his family where you have moved to. Make sure it is somewhere where you will not accidentally bump into him. He may have a personality disorder, and I am sorry for that, but you have a greater duty to your child and your pets than this guy whose main goal in life will be to cause you all harm. Edited December 15, 2021 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 16, 2021 Share Posted December 16, 2021 Have you educated yourself on BPD? You need to get up to speed real fast. You have also described a number of sociopathic behaviors –– cruelty to animals, setting fire to the church, allowing his sister to be sent away for something he did. There is no question that you need to leave, but how to do so safely (and completely) is the problem. I think you should contact a women's resource center and get them to help you formulate an exit strategy, which would include making sure he can't come after you. It's good that you have a place to go but that's only one aspect. You also need to work with a counselor because (based on your post) you may not be fully cognizant of the precautions that will be necessary and how to get them in place beforehand. Please make the call. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 16, 2021 Share Posted December 16, 2021 On 11/27/2021 at 8:04 AM, Feelingstuck21 said: How many red flags are too many? Well surely you can understand the concept... It's a lot like "post-it notes" If all post-it notes were fluorescent pink... then there would be no need for, or benefit from fluorescent pink. Anything else in answer to your question is overthinking things. Link to post Share on other sites
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