Duped into being an OW

[Jilted]

I fell in love with someone who turned out after 10 weeks of emotional sharing to be essentially married.  I'm having trouble understanding how someone can deceive another person like that.  I know there are stories here that are similar I just thought I would like to get some feedback.

It started when I hired someone to do some yard work through a local ad. I did not meet him when he came but I spoke to him on the phone and we had this instant attraction to each other within seconds of talking on the phone about the yard work.  He did it, he left, and then I had reason to email him because he was interested in potentially purchasing something that was on my property. 

A few days later he got back to me and as we discussed it we talked about related things and it turned out we had many things in common in relation to having renovated other properties so we just sort of fell into a conversation where we just seem to click.  I left it at that and actually thought he was married from his email address as there were two people's names on it, I assumed it was his wife so I just left it, he was going to get back to me on whether he wanted to purchase my item.  

A week later he called me again and in a very friendly tone said that he wanted to just chat about related things so I continued the conversation with him.  It got friendlier and friendlier he was asking a lot of questions about me, he was being what I interpreted as sort of a male pursuing energy, again I didn't go any further as I wasn't even sure what was going on.  He called again a few days later this time he was up at his weekend cabin and he took pains to tell me that he was there with his 18 year old daughter (who turned out to be the second name on his email) her friend and his father and he went out of his way to describe this picture that they were the only ones there.  

From other things that he said about how he lived alone in his house and that he was looking maybe to purchase another house for just himself, everything seemed like he was single.  The conversations continued in the same way, every time we talked we would have all sorts of things to talk about, he would ask me about various things in my life, he kept saying how it sounded like I was such an interesting person and how I had so much going on and I would ask about him, he told me about his job, he had an office job and he did the landscaping as a hobby after work so practically every weeknight and on the weekend he was going out doing these sort of yard maintenance jobs to make extra money. He enjoys getting outside and doing some work instead of going to the gym and then if it brought money if that was a bonus - so over the 10 weeks he continued doing that continuously, so that became something I was interested in also as I like gardening and I was looking for someone who might be able to help me with some big projects.  

He would call me going to and from these jobs and he would tell me about what he was doing.  In about the fourth phone call from the beginning, so in the 2nd week, he left me a message saying I was just wondering what you look like I don't know if you have a photo maybe you could send it doesn't have to be tonight. Then a few days later I called him back and again he was saying sort of seductive things like did you think about what I asked you the other night so right away he brought it into that realm, now we're far away from whether he's going to purchase my item or whether we're just going to be renovators who are discussing construction - now it's in the personal realm and it he's introducing this sort of this romantic overtone and it feels like he's pursuing me, as if it's a new relationship.  

I had not been in a relationship for quite a long time and I wasn't looking for one either, I was quite happy on my own. I am like some other middle aged people on this board have talked about, I had tried online dating and various things and I had pretty much given up and I was happy in my single life so this was quite unexpected and we're both in our early 50s.

Most men I know are interested in younger women but he seem to be interested in someone his own age so all of this was attractive to me plus this chemistry we had initially. So this continues on for the next several weeks where he's calling me almost every day and we're discussing about our everyday life. All the time he's telling me things that are going on at his house, he lives alone, he's looking maybe for to buy another house for himself but he doesn't want it to be too big because it's just him and so he sounds like a single guy.

When we're talking he's having trouble figuring out the oven temperature so he's making himself out to be sort of this helpless single person, saying I'm not eating very well right now because you know I'm just on my own.  He keeps talking about his daughter, one of the very first calls early on he said he was going out to celebrate her birthday that night she's turning 18. He talked about his ex who is the mother of the daughter and made it sound like it was quite recent split, BUT he later clarified that actually he had never been with her, they had had an unplanned pregnancy 18 years ago and they never continued the relationship, they were just in each other's lives because of the baby and had custody battles and all sorts of things.

But anyway, they got through 18 years but he had never lived with her. We had some intimate conversations where we were talking about our relationship history and he said that he had never been married and he had only not very long-term relationships. He described about three or four of them where he had been with someone where they were dating, but only one who had lived with him for a short time where he had broken it off because he found that she was too "clingy".  She wanted him to stay home instead of going out and doing the landscaping jobs.  

When I asked him so what about lately he said well there's not been anybody around lately and then from there we had just one evening where we spent quite a lot of time talking about whether we would have a physical relationship and be a couple.  He seemed very excited with the prospect of that and this is something I find I don't understand as the rest of the time he seemed to be very strong person with a lot of masculine male energy but this time he became very weak and vulnerable. It was like a sort of a younger version of himself, sometimes it felt like we were teenagers but when we got to this conversation he seemed to just turn into putty in my hands. He was saying he wouldn't be able to sleep that night thinking about the prospect of us having a physical relationship and would I eventually consider coming to spend the night with him and he was the needy one in this situation. 

So I was surprised at that because previously he had been having sort of this strong kind of pursuing energy of me which intimidated me a little bit because I wasn't used to being in a relationship.  

We had a couple of other long conversations where we spent like 4 hours going over options related to something with his elderly father and I happen to know a bit about it so he was vulnerable and shared a lot of feelings then.  And we had many where we had just a lot of laughter and we were just enjoying funny things or I would tell him some funny stories that I had and we just felt close and happy.  

He limited our contact a bit in the sense that I didn't contact him at work during the day and he had evenings with his daughter so often he'd say well tomorrow night I'm with my daughter and I would know not to call or not to expect anything from him then.  He said he didn't like texting -  we did spend one night texting a lot at the very beginning where we got a lot of information exchanged but then later on I wanted to text some more and he said I'm not really into texting.

Then during one other evening when we were on the phone he got some texts from a male friend of his, setting up a time where they were going to meet for an activity.  I thought well he's getting texts from him but he doesn't want to text for me so there were a few things like that that seemed odd but I didn't have a full explanation yet so I was waiting to find out more.  But he contacted me at various times, at lunch time sometimes or when he was leaving from work he would call me and tell me what he was going to do that evening -  I'm going shopping here and there or whatever. A lot of the conversations were very granular what he was doing or what he had just done in the last couple of days so all this little stuff about his his daily life he seemed to want to share that.  

Every time he would call or I would call I would get this sense that he was happy to hear my voice you know this sense that he was relieved he would be enthusiastic about me picking up and saying Hi how are you you know so I felt like he was attached to me.  

We did have one conflict where we were going to meet for the first time and unexpectedly he revealed he was unvaccinated and against vaccinations for COVID [ ] and so at that point I actually said well I'm not going to meet you right now and I'm not sure that we can go forward. So we talked about not being in this situation together anymore and he was heartbroken he was so sad about it and he said you know he always wears his heart on his sleeve and he just couldn't believe that I would end it over that and I said well that's kind of a deal breaker for me.  

Then we both talked about what are we going to do now because we were saying how it was nice to have connected and that we both had been attracted to each other so quickly. So we talked about each of us potentially joining dating sites and what we would look for.

We took a break for a couple of days I said just let me think about this and and after a few days I missed him and I wrote him and said you know it is hard because I miss you already.  He said yeah I miss you too, so we kind of fell back into the same conversations every few days and it was okay.

We went on for a few more weeks after that.  He took a long weekend to go up to his cabin with his father and his daughter so he said well I'm going up to to my cabin with my family so I'm not going to be able to talk to you for the whole weekend and I said okay fine and we'll talk when you come back. He said it a little bit angrily as though he thought I was intruding and I was surprised at the there was a bit of anger in his voice as though I had been pushing him (which I was not).  I just thought wow this is almost like how it would be if he was married and he's telling the other woman to get lost during a family event - that thought crossed my mind.  

Then when he came back he was still a little bit angry and I thought it was maybe because of the vaccination argument I said well we can talk tonight now that you're back.  He said oh no I don't have time to talk to you tonight because I have to finish my laundry.  

So from that moment there was something, kind of an edge and kind of almost a contempt. Sometimes when he would talk to me but not all the time so again I didn't understand what. Then we went along for a while longer and we finally find a date that we're going to meet at a distance outdoors.

So we met and I didn't hear from him right away, also he was still doing landscaping jobs.  He would go sometimes for a few days at a time without calling at this point and then he would call me as if nothing had happened.  And he would pick the time so it was at some random time convenient for him.  This time I think it was Sunday afternoon like at 5:00 he just finished his landscaping jobs, we're talking about the meeting. 

A couple of funny things that happened while we were there but then out of the blue he comes out and says well I'm in a relationship.  Now this is 10 weeks in and basically time stopped for me there.  He said he has been in a relationship for sounds like the last few years, they aren't married and don't live together, and she had helped him with his daughter a lot but now she was giving him a lot of problems every day.  So my reaction was to ask him a lot of questions just trying to put together what had happened for the last 10 weeks. 

There were still some things that didn't make sense but particularly I asked him "you told me less than two weeks ago that you were by yourself and that there hadn't been anybody in your life recently when we were having a discussion about potentially us having a physical relationship so were you were just lying?"  And he said yes he just openly admitted that he was just lying to my face.

So that's done me in because I've never had anyone be that deceitful to me and he didn't have an explanation when I said why did you do this for 10 weeks, you could have told me this in the first week but I said to him I think you did it because you knew that if you had told me I wouldn't have talked to you the way I was all this time, you wanted to have both. And he didn't have anything to come back with so I think that was the truth.  

I said in retrospect I should have just ended it a few weeks ago when we had the vaccination discussion before you went away to the cabin because that would have been better for me and he was heartbroken that I said that -  he said "Oh you can't mean that" so it seems like it meant something for him to be with me and to get whatever he was getting from me that he needed.  And he said at one point it was because I was nice - I was a source of happiness for him that he wasn't getting in his main relationship.

(So I think that's what I'll take away from this is that I had something to give him that he wanted to have even on the side but maybe I can find someone else who is single to bring that to.)

This is still in the last conversation we had I said well look I can't believe that you behaved so despicably to me like that is a horrible thing to do. He didn't have any come back to that but he tried to make some excuses that it wasn't his fault or whatever. I just said look let's forget that we ever had anything between us, that's it and as I was hanging up the phone I didn't realize that he was still on the line but I said "What a jerk!" and I just hung up and so he heard me say that too so at least I got that in. And I have not heard from him and I don't expect to hear from him.

But I'm just stunned because we shared all sorts of things about our family and our childhoods and all our history at his age. We went through all our relationship history except he left out the current one he's in now.  We felt so close to each other so I'm just stunned that somebody could do that and not tell the other person the truth.  

He just wanted me to be available I guess whenever it was convenient for him and all completely on his terms and just take this maybe nurturing energy that I had for him and he had to know he was going to just drop me at some point I guess or was he trying to make it into a physical affair until the vaccination issue stymied that? 

What strikes me is for example one of the first calls where he said he was at the daughter's birthday his partner must have been there with him and then he's talking to me within hours.  She must have been at the long weekend at the cabin too.  And then secondly I wonder why he even told me at the end because he could have kept on going and I would have been none the wiser - I wonder if he had decided to end it himself.  

It's left me in a lot of confusion and bewilderment. Now I feel a loss of the dream that I had of what was going to happen because he kept hinting that we were so compatible and we had such similar interests and I thought maybe we could go on and be a couple.  He kept talking to me all about the cabin all the time and what fun they have up there and you know I thought he was going to invite me to go -  but it turns out I'm getting the impression that all of our long phone calls happened while he was up there.  

So it seems like the partner that he's got now maybe doesn't like going up there so he sees this as his secret hidden sanctuary and then he has a second life up there that he wanted me to be duped into being a part of.  One night up there he took me fishing with him via his phone and I could hear the water and boats etc, it was so romantic.  And all a lie.

So I just I just wanted some feedback from this group because it has a lot of the elements of other situations you're hearing about and I just can't understand how people can do that, the deceiving the unsuspecting OW part.   I can see if someone falls in love with somebody who they know is married maybe you agree to be the other woman - but in this situation where he misrepresented himself from the beginning, took great pains to paint a picture that was quite opposite of reality, that I'm not encountered before and so is that some special kind of sociopath?

Also I don't see how I could have avoided it because even if I had done more checking like his schedule was odd, there was some odd stuff where you can see how it could have happened that he would be married, but in fact they're not married or living in the same house.  If I had done a background check it would not have turned up that he's married, I would almost have had to hire a private investigator to do surveillance so I'm just thinking  I'm not sure how I could have avoided falling into this trap. Also I will mention I have noticed that sometimes the worst men will make strong statements to the opposite of who they are -  this one said well I see the guys that I work with and how horrible they are to the women in their lives and he said he's often told his daughter that if you're not honest you'll never have a job or a friend - so I wonder if that's another hook?   Anyway thanks for any comments you might have.

Edited November 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, punctuation

[stillafool]

I'm that happened to you Jane but thank goodness you didn't have sex with him.   Probably she went away with him and his family to the cabin, they rekindled and got back together.  Maybe next time before getting involved at all ask them "Are you married or have you even been married?'  If they say yes ask them how long.  If they say "No, divorced", ask for how long. 

[Myabee]

57 minutes ago, Jilted said:

But I'm just stunned because we shared all sorts of things about our family and our childhoods and all our history at his age, we went through all our relationship history except he left out the current one he's in now.  We felt so close to each other so I'm just stunned

Stunned is how we OW's feel because we get involved with men who don't know the truth from a lie if it slapped them in the face. If I were you, get away from him now. You developed an emotional attraction that has lead to an emotional affair. This will only continue if you let it. xx    

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Jilted said:

I'm not sure how I could have avoided falling into this trap.

When someone is buttering you up this much and you have never even met him, it's a big red flag:

1 hour ago, Jilted said:

He was saying he wouldn't be able to sleep that night thinking about the prospect of us having a physical relationship and would I eventually consider coming to spend the night with him and he was the needy one in this situation. 

It is strange when a man you don't know starts laying it on this thick. Sometimes when we're feeling lonely or vulnerable or even just a bit bored with our love lives, it just feels so good that we forget we don't actually know who we are talking to - the flattery just overtakes our common sense, and shuts out the voice of logic saying, "Whoa, Nelly...this dude could be anyone." 

That's how you avoid falling into traps like this. Don't let weeks of talking replace spending time together in real life. Yes, you have spoken for many weeks but from what I gather, spent very little time with him in person. Maybe once? Limit all the talk time when someone is unable or unwilling to meet promptly. It creates a false sense of intimacy that is constructed around almost no tangible, verifiable information about the person. If they dodge meeting, don't keep chatting. Just bow out. There's almost always an unsavoury reason why they're being evasive, and it's best to avoid these folks. 

[Luna66star]

Yours is a prime example of the typical cheater/lier.  They are smooth, great actors and appear genuinely interested in us.  You commented on how men normally look for younger women.  It's very true.  It sparked a question in your mind at the time.  This is a huge red flag unless you physically 10 or 20 years younger than your actual age.  

Cheaters aren't picky.  I don't mean at all to say you are not an attractive woman.  For an authentic relationship, the norm is someone younger than them.  In my experience, cheaters target all ages, race, physical types.  I was involved with MM at work and found out later he was hitting on a woman in their 30's, 50's  60's.  All shapes and sizes, single, married whatever.

He started  a very innocent, platonic relationship with me over 6 months without mentioning he had a wife and kids at home.  No ring on finger either.  He would talk about kids but no wife. I started to become sexually attracted to him and I thought we were starting a relationship.   I invited him over to my place for sex.

It was only when an acquaintance asked if I knew he was married.  I was shocked he kept this hidden. I asked him why and of course he said he thought their marriage was dead. He piled on the poor me routine like no tomorrow hoping I would be sympathetic and not remain mad.

I think this was all a game from the start and very calculated on his part.

I had an extremely hard time removing myself from the situation.  It created a trauma bond that lasts forever.

I think this man played you too. They target the understanding and empathetic types into forming a bond right away.  What a great opportunity for this guy by placing ads for landscaping services.  

I think we women have to do more research on the men who come into our lives.  Be nosy and get all the facts.  

These men can fool us big time because we are overly trusting 🙄. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Jilted said:

I just can't understand how people can do that, the deceiving the unsuspecting OW part.

You can’t understand how he can do this because you are a good, kind, and honest person… Cheaters and con artists prey upon good people who can not understand how one could do that to another…

Lesson learned, there are those in the world who would prey upon others who are unsuspecting. In dating, if they come on strong and it seems too good to be true, it usually is - 

[Jilted]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'm that happened to you Jane but thank goodness you didn't have sex with him.   Probably she went away with him and his family to the cabin, they rekindled and got back together.  Maybe next time before getting involved at all ask them "Are you married or have you even been married?'  If they say yes ask them how long.  If they say "No, divorced", ask for how long. 

That's a good theory of what might have happened.  I did ask about marriage and divorce, and he said no to both, because he is in fact not married to her, they live in different houses by choice and just have been in a long term relationship that he made every effort to conceal from me even when asked directly about his last relationship. That's where I am dumfounded.

[Jilted]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

Stunned is how we OW's feel because we get involved with men who don't know the truth from a lie if it slapped them in the face. If I were you, get away from him now. You developed an emotional attraction that has lead to an emotional affair. This will only continue if you let it. xx    

Yes thank you, I did end it as soon as he told me, in the same conversation.  I had just never experienced that level of deceit.

[Jilted]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When someone is buttering you up this much and you have never even met him, it's a big red flag:

It is strange when a man you don't know starts laying it on this thick. Sometimes when we're feeling lonely or vulnerable or even just a bit bored with our love lives, it just feels so good that we forget we don't actually know who we are talking to - the flattery just overtakes our common sense, and shuts out the voice of logic saying, "Whoa, Nelly...this dude could be anyone." 

That's how you avoid falling into traps like this. Don't let weeks of talking replace spending time together in real life. Yes, you have spoken for many weeks but from what I gather, spent very little time with him in person. Maybe once? Limit all the talk time when someone is unable or unwilling to meet promptly. It creates a false sense of intimacy that is constructed around almost no tangible, verifiable information about the person. If they dodge meeting, don't keep chatting. Just bow out. There's almost always an unsavoury reason why they're being evasive, and it's best to avoid these folks. 

Yes, good advice.  I had been able to verify quite a bit about him like his job etc.  It was Covid precautions which prevented earlier/more meetings especially after I found out he was unvaccinated.  That may have saved me in fact as in normal times it might have progressed faster and I still would have had no way to know he was lying about being single.

[Jilted]

1 hour ago, Luna66star said:

Yours is a prime example of the typical cheater/lier.  They are smooth, great actors and appear genuinely interested in us.  You commented on how men normally look for younger women.  It's very true.  It sparked a question in your mind at the time.  This is a huge red flag unless you physically 10 or 20 years younger than your actual age.  

Cheaters aren't picky.  I don't mean at all to say you are not an attractive woman.  For an authentic relationship, the norm is someone younger than them.  In my experience, cheaters target all ages, race, physical types.  I was involved with MM at work and found out later he was hitting on a woman in their 30's, 50's  60's.  All shapes and sizes, single, married whatever.

He started  a very innocent, platonic relationship with me over 6 months without mentioning he had a wife and kids at home.  No ring on finger either.  He would talk about kids but no wife. I started to become sexually attracted to him and I thought we were starting a relationship.   I invited him over to my place for sex.

It was only when an acquaintance asked if I knew he was married.  I was shocked he kept this hidden. I asked him why and of course he said he thought their marriage was dead. He piled on the poor me routine like no tomorrow hoping I would be sympathetic and not remain mad.

I think this was all a game from the start and very calculated on his part.

I had an extremely hard time removing myself from the situation.  It created a trauma bond that lasts forever.

I think this man played you too. They target the understanding and empathetic types into forming a bond right away.  What a great opportunity for this guy by placing ads for landscaping services.  

I think we women have to do more research on the men who come into our lives.  Be nosy and get all the facts.  

These men can fool us big time because we are overly trusting 🙄. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you, that is very interesting as I have not had any experience with someone so deceptive before.  He did seem to enjoy my personality but I did wonder (and actually asked him) if he was in the habit of picking up women who were his clients - he said no but maybe I should read that as a yes at this point!  I am really stumped on how I could have found out about his current partner short of spying on his house.  I am glad he belatedly just came out and told me for whatever reason - I think he expected me to accept it and keep going.

[Jilted]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You can’t understand how he can do this because you are a good, kind, and honest person… Cheaters and con artists prey upon good people who can not understand how one could do that to another…

Lesson learned, there are those in the world who would prey upon others who are unsuspecting. In dating, if they come on strong and it seems too good to be true, it usually is - 

Thank you, yes I try to imagine thinking as he does and I can't do it.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Jilted said:

Yes thank you, I did end it as soon as he told me, in the same conversation.  I had just never experienced that level of deceit.

Then that's good you put an end to the whole thing. I did not realize the level of deceit  that was at play after an 18 month affair with a MM. I still feel shocked as D day was just a week ago. However, sadly it can be very true as much as we do not want to believe it that they lie. Lie to get what they want and to fill a need. I was the lead actress in my scenario blinded by the facade of the lies and the willing participant. This has been a heart break like no other for me due to the mere fact that I felt and fell  like a lost puppy. While I still might be lost, I will be found again one of these day's as I navigate through my emotional mess.  Do good by you and stay away from these types of men. You are worth more and please belive that. xx 

[spiderowl]

Hi Jilted,

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  You were absolutely genuine and he omitted a very big truth.  He was lying by default.

I think these guys can easily split things in their heads - they have their home relationship and their other one.  The two are not related; they just happen to clash every so often, which is very inconvenient for someone who has effectively compartmentalised them.  It is not fair on you of course.

He got caught up in his fantasy of fun with you, a lovely woman who is great to be with, but then your values started creeping in and spoiling his fantasy.  First it was vaccination - he realised you were not going to let him get away with that one.  What does it mean?  It quite possibly means he is a guy who takes risks and does not think of others in connection with that.  That is a red flag.  What was his reason for not getting vaccinated?  Did it make any sense?

I suspect that is when the touches of anger came into it - he was realising you were not falling for all his flannel, that you were a person who had values and who would draw a line if you knew of anything that crossed certain boundaries.  In the end, he thought he had best come clean about the relationship.  He felt he had lost a fast means to a sexual relationship with you so he had less to lose.  Maybe he would gain if you were prepared to accept he was in another 'unhappy' relationship.  Again, you did not fall for this and that is where you are now.

You have done nothing wrong.  I am sorry you are in pain.  It does hurt when you really like someone and have dreams of a possible future with them.  This guy should take all the responsibility for misleading you.  The one thing I would advise any woman who is entering a relationship and who does not have direct evidence that they are not married or attached is to ask him directly "Are you married, attached or in a relationship with anyone?" Although some may still lie if they think they will get a temporary opportunity for sex and won't be caught out, others will not feel easy with bare-faced lying.

Whatever his situation, it was not fair of him to drag you into his fantasy world.  Who knows why people do this, but it does show they are capable of living a double life.  Can you ever trust someone who has that capacity?

Edited November 28, 2021 by spiderowl

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You were spot on! “What a jerk!!” Your spidey senses were telling you something wasn’t right all along!! You have good intuition! Trust it! Not all men are jerks, but plenty are!! Good for you! You escaped a bad one, keep on keeping on, someone worthy will come along and you will have a good experience to look back on to help you discern! 

Edited November 28, 2021 by IfWishesWereHorses

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Jilted said:

Yes, good advice.  I had been able to verify quite a bit about him like his job etc.  It was Covid precautions which prevented earlier/more meetings especially after I found out he was unvaccinated.  That may have saved me in fact as in normal times it might have progressed faster and I still would have had no way to know he was lying about being single.

That is not exactly what I meant. I'll elaborate. 

I meant that you barely know the guy, and thus had very little real-life interaction with him to base all your assumptions on. You know about his work but there were evidently a lot things you did not know, and could not know. You didn't know how he conducts himself day-to-day, where he goes at night, who his nearest and dearest are, and things we can only learn by spending time with someone in person. 

My point is that married or not, you should indeed be more cautious next time about getting too wrapped up in sweet talk when you have spent so little time in the guy's presence. Don't assume that chatting like this means you're close and connected. When you don't know the other person, take it all with a big grain of salt and keep your guard up until you see whether their real-life behvaiour matches. Men like him will use that false "vulnerability" to get you to let your guard down, and make you think you two are just so emotionally close to each other, when you have no idea if anything they've told you is even true. But they will pick up on your vulnerabilities and use them to their advantage.

This guy knew what he was doing, and I would bet any money this was not his first rodeo with infidelity. He's too comfortable with it, and I imagine he's done this exact same thing with other clients before you. 

[IrinaM]

Please block this creep. When he finds a way to contact you for some lame reason, work on your house or buy something or sell something, ignore and block. Close every portal into your life.

I think he's been even more deceptive with you than you know. Something about that whole "landscaping is just a passion project" thing seems off. I can't imagine someone who loves landscaping that much, it's backbreaking work. He likely does it because he needs the money. He probably didn't want to tell you that because it would make him less desirable in your eyes.

Everything about this dude seems like an episode of "who the bleep did i marry"

eta: sometimes men like this take advantage of a bewildered woman's need to have answers. You are baffled about how this can happen. He has blindsided you, and you likely have A LOT of questions you would like to have answered. He knows this and can dangle these answers to pull you back. He will contact you just to talk, for closure, etc, essentially offering to fill you in on the real truth, this time. Don't talk to him at all, this is super important. Instead make appointments with a counselor or therapist.

I didn't read your whole post, but I noticed that he talked about some previous relationship where the woman was "needy" or "clingy" or some BS. This is a huge red flag. It is grooming-speak for "YOU better not have any needs, either, or I'll shame you for having needs and then abandon you, just like I did her."

Edited November 28, 2021 by IrinaM
add a buncha stuff i thought of after post

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

I didn't read your whole post, but I noticed that he talked about some previous relationship where the woman was "needy" or "clingy" or some BS. This is a huge red flag. It is grooming-speak for "YOU better not have any needs, either, or I'll shame you for having needs and then abandon you, just like I did her."

Very true. 

This happens so much and we see it so frequently on these threads. Someone complained about an ex being needy to clingy, and the current partner falls all over themselves trying to "chill" and "casual" and not like the ex - all while they actually do have needs but are trying to pretend they don't (OP, I'm not speaking about you here specifically) because they're afraid of rocking the boat and not being "cool" anymore. 

It is true that needy exes are out there, and that can damage a relationship leading to its demise. But we have to be very careful not to become fearful of expressing our own needs just to keep someone around. And OP, perhaps this guy's evasive behaviour is the very thing that drove his ex to wonder where the heck he was or what he was doing or who he was talking to. It might have come after similar text-flings with other OW. 

[IrinaM]

I totally agree @ExpatInItaly

he also said she was needy because she didn't like him taking on all this extra landscaping work? Um yeah. According to his story, this is work he didn't even need to do, so why would a wife or gf be ok with him spending all his extra hours away from her? Most women do like to spend leisure time with their SO's. Not kiss goodbye while their husband runs out the door, within an hour or two of coming home from work, so he can go do backbreaking physical labor which would necessitate him coming home exhausted and dirty.

[Jilted]

13 hours ago, Myabee said:

Then that's good you put an end to the whole thing. I did not realize the level of deceit  that was at play after an 18 month affair with a MM. I still feel shocked as D day was just a week ago. However, sadly it can be very true as much as we do not want to believe it that they lie. Lie to get what they want and to fill a need. I was the lead actress in my scenario blinded by the facade of the lies and the willing participant. This has been a heart break like no other for me due to the mere fact that I felt and fell  like a lost puppy. While I still might be lost, I will be found again one of these day's as I navigate through my emotional mess.  Do good by you and stay away from these types of men. You are worth more and please belive that. xx 

I am less than a week out too so emotions are still very high.  A book that helps me is How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When - and Why - Love Doesn't Work by Howard M. Halpern, I have the audiobook on a loop for now.

It is definitely the brazenness of the lying that has hurt me the most, it will take some time to come to terms with that.  We are definitely worth more. TY and take care xx

[Jilted]

11 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Hi Jilted,

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  You were absolutely genuine and he omitted a very big truth.  He was lying by default.

I think these guys can easily split things in their heads - they have their home relationship and their other one.  The two are not related; they just happen to clash every so often, which is very inconvenient for someone who has effectively compartmentalised them.  It is not fair on you of course.

He got caught up in his fantasy of fun with you, a lovely woman who is great to be with, but then your values started creeping in and spoiling his fantasy.  First it was vaccination - he realised you were not going to let him get away with that one.  What does it mean?  It quite possibly means he is a guy who takes risks and does not think of others in connection with that.  That is a red flag.  What was his reason for not getting vaccinated?  Did it make any sense?

I suspect that is when the touches of anger came into it - he was realising you were not falling for all his flannel, that you were a person who had values and who would draw a line if you knew of anything that crossed certain boundaries.  In the end, he thought he had best come clean about the relationship.  He felt he had lost a fast means to a sexual relationship with you so he had less to lose.  Maybe he would gain if you were prepared to accept he was in another 'unhappy' relationship.  Again, you did not fall for this and that is where you are now.

You have done nothing wrong.  I am sorry you are in pain.  It does hurt when you really like someone and have dreams of a possible future with them.  This guy should take all the responsibility for misleading you.  The one thing I would advise any woman who is entering a relationship and who does not have direct evidence that they are not married or attached is to ask him directly "Are you married, attached or in a relationship with anyone?" Although some may still lie if they think they will get a temporary opportunity for sex and won't be caught out, others will not feel easy with bare-faced lying.

Whatever his situation, it was not fair of him to drag you into his fantasy world.  Who knows why people do this, but it does show they are capable of living a double life.  Can you ever trust someone who has that capacity?

Thank you so much for your post, it is very helpful.  I think in the long run I will be glad this didn't go forward, as the anti-vax beliefs were probably a sign that more was wrong that I would have found out later (besides the infidelity).  He does seem quite comfortable compartmentalizing the different parts of his life and lying easily when required.  I still can't get my mind around doing that!

[Jilted]

10 hours ago, IfWishesWereHorses said:

You were spot on! “What a jerk!!” Your spidey senses were telling you something wasn’t right all along!! You have good intuition! Trust it! Not all men are jerks, but plenty are!! Good for you! You escaped a bad one, keep on keeping on, someone worthy will come along and you will have a good experience to look back on to help you discern! 

That's a great way to look at it, thank you!

[Jilted]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That is not exactly what I meant. I'll elaborate. 

I meant that you barely know the guy, and thus had very little real-life interaction with him to base all your assumptions on. You know about his work but there were evidently a lot things you did not know, and could not know. You didn't know how he conducts himself day-to-day, where he goes at night, who his nearest and dearest are, and things we can only learn by spending time with someone in person. 

My point is that married or not, you should indeed be more cautious next time about getting too wrapped up in sweet talk when you have spent so little time in the guy's presence. Don't assume that chatting like this means you're close and connected. When you don't know the other person, take it all with a big grain of salt and keep your guard up until you see whether their real-life behvaiour matches. Men like him will use that false "vulnerability" to get you to let your guard down, and make you think you two are just so emotionally close to each other, when you have no idea if anything they've told you is even true. But they will pick up on your vulnerabilities and use them to their advantage.

This guy knew what he was doing, and I would bet any money this was not his first rodeo with infidelity. He's too comfortable with it, and I imagine he's done this exact same thing with other clients before you. 

Yes that's smart thinking and I do think he has a track record in this area.  It would have been hard to find out everything I would have liked to know because even seeing him in person more, he could have presented an edited picture.  I'm stumped really.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Jilted said:

Yes that's smart thinking and I do think he has a track record in this area.  It would have been hard to find out everything I would have liked to know because even seeing him in person more, he could have presented an edited picture.  I'm stumped really.

You likely would have figured out pretty quickly that something was not right, though. It's a lot harder to keep up a lie when you're interacting face-to-face. 

I think he probably does this fairly regularly, honestly. He's so comfortable with telling huge lies that there is no way he hasn't done this before, and is possibly doing so with another OW right now as well.

[Jilted]

6 hours ago, IrinaM said:

Please block this creep. When he finds a way to contact you for some lame reason, work on your house or buy something or sell something, ignore and block. Close every portal into your life.

I think he's been even more deceptive with you than you know. Something about that whole "landscaping is just a passion project" thing seems off. I can't imagine someone who loves landscaping that much, it's backbreaking work. He likely does it because he needs the money. He probably didn't want to tell you that because it would make him less desirable in your eyes.

Everything about this dude seems like an episode of "who the bleep did i marry"

eta: sometimes men like this take advantage of a bewildered woman's need to have answers. You are baffled about how this can happen. He has blindsided you, and you likely have A LOT of questions you would like to have answered. He knows this and can dangle these answers to pull you back. He will contact you just to talk, for closure, etc, essentially offering to fill you in on the real truth, this time. Don't talk to him at all, this is super important. Instead make appointments with a counselor or therapist.

I didn't read your whole post, but I noticed that he talked about some previous relationship where the woman was "needy" or "clingy" or some BS. This is a huge red flag. It is grooming-speak for "YOU better not have any needs, either, or I'll shame you for having needs and then abandon you, just like I did her."

Good advice, I got in quite a few questions in the final conversation so I don't wish to revisit any of his lame excuses.  But it's a good caution because now a few days later the feeling of missing the connection is coming back so I am distracting myself.   The landscaping thing seemed odd to me at first too, but I think he is partly afraid to stop being so busy like a workaholic because then he might have to confront himself!

Yes the needy comment did make me uncomfortable, I was taking note of a few things as we went along but I never imagined it would amount to this level of awful.

[Jilted]

6 hours ago, IrinaM said:

Please block this creep. When he finds a way to contact you for some lame reason, work on your house or buy something or sell something, ignore and block. Close every portal into your life.

I think he's been even more deceptive with you than you know. Something about that whole "landscaping is just a passion project" thing seems off. I can't imagine someone who loves landscaping that much, it's backbreaking work. He likely does it because he needs the money. He probably didn't want to tell you that because it would make him less desirable in your eyes.

Everything about this dude seems like an episode of "who the bleep did i marry"

eta: sometimes men like this take advantage of a bewildered woman's need to have answers. You are baffled about how this can happen. He has blindsided you, and you likely have A LOT of questions you would like to have answered. He knows this and can dangle these answers to pull you back. He will contact you just to talk, for closure, etc, essentially offering to fill you in on the real truth, this time. Don't talk to him at all, this is super important. Instead make appointments with a counselor or therapist.

I didn't read your whole post, but I noticed that he talked about some previous relationship where the woman was "needy" or "clingy" or some BS. This is a huge red flag. It is grooming-speak for "YOU better not have any needs, either, or I'll shame you for having needs and then abandon you, just like I did her."

 

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You likely would have figured out pretty quickly that something was not right, though. It's a lot harder to keep up a lie when you're interacting face-to-face. 

I think he probably does this fairly regularly, honestly. He's so comfortable with telling huge lies that there is no way he hasn't done this before, and is possibly doing so with another OW right now as well.

I think you're right, I expect he is on to the next one already.