Duped into being an OW

[Jilted]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Very true. 

This happens so much and we see it so frequently on these threads. Someone complained about an ex being needy to clingy, and the current partner falls all over themselves trying to "chill" and "casual" and not like the ex - all while they actually do have needs but are trying to pretend they don't (OP, I'm not speaking about you here specifically) because they're afraid of rocking the boat and not being "cool" anymore. 

It is true that needy exes are out there, and that can damage a relationship leading to its demise. But we have to be very careful not to become fearful of expressing our own needs just to keep someone around. And OP, perhaps this guy's evasive behaviour is the very thing that drove his ex to wonder where the heck he was or what he was doing or who he was talking to. It might have come after similar text-flings with other OW. 

For sure, they put us in a difficult position of not being able to express our legitimate needs.

Yes he may have learned how to refine his deception techniques from these prior discoveries, totally plausible.

[Jilted]

5 hours ago, IrinaM said:

I totally agree @ExpatInItaly

he also said she was needy because she didn't like him taking on all this extra landscaping work? Um yeah. According to his story, this is work he didn't even need to do, so why would a wife or gf be ok with him spending all his extra hours away from her? Most women do like to spend leisure time with their SO's. Not kiss goodbye while their husband runs out the door, within an hour or two of coming home from work, so he can go do backbreaking physical labor which would necessitate him coming home exhausted and dirty.

Yep, doesn't sound like a normal lifestyle for a couple, I agree.   I did inquire about it several times and he seemed to just need to work outside after being in an office all day.  He said he was doing more of it now as he was "on his own" and had time to fill.   And yet he had two women on the go.  I don't know if his schedule is one of the "problems" he mentioned his current partner is causing him every day, could be.

[Myabee]

48 minutes ago, Jilted said:

I am less than a week out too so emotions are still very high.  A book that helps me is How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When - and Why - Love Doesn't Work by Howard M. Halpern, I have the audiobook on a loop for now.

It is definitely the brazenness of the lying that has hurt me the most, it will take some time to come to terms with that.  We are definitely worth more. TY and take care xx

Thank you for the book name I most defiantly need to read that. I agree the lying really is like a soccer kick right to the gut. I feel like it's sink or swim now... I need to swim. 

[Jilted]

11 hours ago, Myabee said:

Thank you for the book name I most defiantly need to read that. I agree the lying really is like a soccer kick right to the gut. I feel like it's sink or swim now... I need to swim. 

@MyabeeI've just read through your whole thread...very difficult, I have experienced that kind of long term obsessive/addictive attachment before (not even with a MM)...another book I find helpful is Women Who Love Too Much by Robyn Norwood from back in the '80s.  In my two situations where I felt like you do (years ago) I was not able to get better until I broke free completely with no contact and deleted/got rid of all the reminders of that person, and even then it took a while.  It is not like a normal breakup, it goes much deeper so more steps are needed to heal from it.  I am watching myself now to prevent my getting into that state this time with the MM I just posted about. Hope that helps.

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, Jilted said:

@MyabeeI've just read through your whole thread...very difficult, I have experienced that kind of long term obsessive/addictive attachment before (not even with a MM)...another book I find helpful is Women Who Love Too Much by Robyn Norwood from back in the '80s.  In my two situations where I felt like you do (years ago) I was not able to get better until I broke free completely with no contact and deleted/got rid of all the reminders of that person, and even then it took a while.  It is not like a normal breakup, it goes much deeper so more steps are needed to heal from it.  I am watching myself now to prevent my getting into that state this time with the MM I just posted about. Hope that helps.

Hey. Thanks for taking the time to read through that long mess😂 I inserted a laugh here because I feel like I need to keep my sense of humor even though none of this is funny. I will say I am the type that loves hard and true. I share the depths of my soul with very few people and when I do it's because I trust them and feel safe. I don't feel it's a form of addiction, I feel more like it's just how I'm built. I was so honest with him about the breaking apart of my rather abusive marriage, all my kids and just my life in general. I placed a high value on his ability to listen, care and offer insight all of which he did. I believe he did truly love me and perhaps still does yet he saved face as to not get the boot from his rather easy life with her. Do as she says and all is good. I don't work that way. Too me I was not going to be a do as I say wife any longer to a controlling mean man. Therapy helped me to speak up and get on the road to OUT. I believe he admired that trait in me as I could tell he was fed up with her holding all the cards yet he's to much of a coward to do anything but stay around and take it. So in the end what did I really lose?? Not a whole lot..: more or less the old version of myself he grew a set and got some courage. Do save yourself from any further pain my friend. You deserve better and are worth much more. xx