My ex girlfriend said she wants zero communication. Will she mean that forever or will she cool off and change her mind?

[Whydoesthiskeephappening]

My ex and I met during the pandemic and went on a month-long road trip for our first date. We hit it off immediately: we share an industry, love camping and traveling, food, movies, etc. Summer was great. We started fighting in the fall. She had family issues going on, and I had anger and anxiety issues stemming from various things and allowed it to affect her. Additionally we were both drinking a lot, which lead to most of the fights.

 

In June she broke up with me. My issues had become too much for her but she still wanted to be friends. She seemed to rely on me: I was the one she called to pick her up when she got out of detox, needed help with her script/short film, wanted to go to concerts, etc. She got me a job and wanted me in her life. Finally I asked her if she wanted to give us another shot and she said no. The next day she reached out to reiterate that she still wanted me in her life and I said I needed some space.

 

After a lot of thought I forced her to take her stuff back from me (she avoided answering when I suggested a date and time) and I wrote her a letter taking responsibility for my fault in the relationship falling apart, told her I couldn’t be her friend, but wished her the best and told her to let me know if she changed her mind. About a week after I mailed it I called her (bad move) and asked if she’d gotten it. She said she had but she hasn’t read it. The next day she texted me saying the call had crossed boundaries; she didn’t owe me a response or reading it, and that she wanted zero communication.

 

So I didn’t respond and I unfriended her from all social media. Obviously this week has been tough. She’s been looking at all my posts on social media along with her mom (who never followed me). My friends think she’s overreacting and frustrated by me pulling away and forcing her to take her stuff back and she’ll eventually come to her senses. You think that’s the case?

[robaday]

The question is more....why do you want contact with someone who doesn't want contact? I know our primal urge is to talk and keep that connection going but the fact you are craving her contact says no contact is for the best...if that makes sense? It's when you get to a place where you don't need any further contact that you can probably start talking again - kinda counter intuitive

[basil67]

I know your friends say she's over reacting, but I think they are being kind friends who tell you what you want to hear.  Truth is you told her to take her stuff and go.  Mate, there's no coming back from that.  And she's right about not having to read or respond to your letter.  

That said, the whole relationship sounded toxic and you're better off out of it.  And as she's newly sober, she needs to be working on herself and her sobriety - not trying to deal with a broken relationship.  

[Whydoesthiskeephappening]

She’s definitely not sober. She drank the night I picked her up. I’m more sober than she is at this point

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship has a snowball's chance in hell of working out, OP.

It sounds volatile and that neither of you is particularly stable (esepcially her) This is not what long-lasting and sustainable relationships look like. It started off intensely (a  month-long road trip when you didn't know each other) and it appears you two got too caught up in the honeymoon phase and didn't use your best judgement in pacing things and giving this a better change of actually working once the initial thrills died down. 

It's time to let this go. It's over, and it's going to be much better for you that way. It wouldn't have ended well regardless. 

[UniverseInMe]

It's obvious you are infatuated with her. You guys broke up to which you wanted her more which drove you to doing the worse thing ever; calling her when you should've kept your distance. Now she feels she's got power over you. You know what you must do. Keep away from her at all costs. Trust me, she'll eventually come around. The silence will drive her insane. Meanwhile, work on yourself. Although I will say you guys don't seem compatible in terms of a healthy relationship. It sounds like you guys are pretty toxic to one another, especially the drinking part. So even if she did end up coming back and you guys got back together, I can almost certainly say you'll fall into the same patterns given you two are still drinking. Just sayin'. Good luck.

[Fox Sake]

3 hours ago, UniverseInMe said:

It's obvious you are infatuated with her. You guys broke up to which you wanted her more which drove you to doing the worse thing ever; calling her when you should've kept your distance. Now she feels she's got power over you. You know what you must do. Keep away from her at all costs. Trust me, she'll eventually come around. The silence will drive her insane. Meanwhile, work on yourself. Although I will say you guys don't seem compatible in terms of a healthy relationship. It sounds like you guys are pretty toxic to one another, especially the drinking part. So even if she did end up coming back and you guys got back together, I can almost certainly say you'll fall into the same patterns given you two are still drinking. Just sayin'. Good luck.

I can’t double like your post! 
Teaching a man to fish… I hope the OP takes note. I learned this in 2009 from 2 posters here on LS. Even tho it’s still hard to practice at times,  just the knowledge and being aware of it has served me well in certain breakups and resolutions alike and it gets better every time. 

[UniverseInMe]

35 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I can’t double like your post! 
Teaching a man to fish… I hope the OP takes note. I learned this in 2009 from 2 posters here on LS. Even tho it’s still hard to practice at times,  just the knowledge and being aware of it has served me well in certain breakups and resolutions alike and it gets better every time. 

Unfortunately I learned the hard way as well. Around 5 years ago I broke up with my ex, due to frustration, who I was still madly in love with. And boy did I regret it. But it was too late. I chased her and chased her and she kept blowing me off in the most horrific ways. For close to 3 1/2 years I simply couldn't get over her, like a schmuck. In those 3 1/2 years I broke no contact like 3 or 4 times. I begged God to bring her back to me, constantly because I couldn't take it anymore. 

Finally, lo and behold, she came back! We got back together but in a short amount of time things started to deteriorate once again. I kept thinking "Oh no, what if i go back to feeling the way I did before she came back?!" I was so dam scared to lose her again. But, one day I finally had enough and called it off with her when she did something that upset me to no end. I told her it was over and I was done with her. She didn't respond and that was that. 

The beauty was this time I got over her absolutely 100%. I finally felt free!!! It was a miracle, truly. To this day I still thank God for the release of her tight hold on me. 

It's been 1 1/2 years we've been apart and I've never been happier. Just 2 weeks ago she reached out to me out of nowhere and called me. I didn't answer of course. She left me a ridiculous vm to which I never replied.

So ya, moral of the story is be careful what you wish for. But I can tell you I'm glad she did come back because I truly feel that that was the only way I was going to be able to move on from her and I did.

[Fox Sake]

14 minutes ago, UniverseInMe said:

Unfortunately I learned the hard way as well. Around 5 years ago I broke up with my ex, due to frustration, who I was still madly in love with. And boy did I regret it. But it was too late. I chased her and chased her and she kept blowing me off in the most horrific ways. For close to 3 1/2 years I simply couldn't get over her, like a schmuck. In those 3 1/2 years I broke no contact like 3 or 4 times. I begged God to bring her back to me, constantly because I couldn't take it anymore. 

Finally, lo and behold, she came back! We got back together but in a short amount of time things started to deteriorate once again. I kept thinking "Oh no, what if i go back to feeling the way I did before she came back?!" I was so dam scared to lose her again. But, one day I finally had enough and called it off with her when she did something that upset me to no end. I told her it was over and I was done with her. She didn't respond and that was that. 

The beauty was this time I got over her absolutely 100%. I finally felt free!!! It was a miracle, truly. To this day I still thank God for the release of her tight hold on me. 

It's been 1 1/2 years we've been apart and I've never been happier. Just 2 weeks ago she reached out to me out of nowhere and called me. I didn't answer of course. She left me a ridiculous vm to which I never replied.

So ya, moral of the story is be careful what you wish for. But I can tell you I'm glad she did come back because I truly feel that that was the only way I was going to be able to move on from her and I did.

Awesome! Thanks for sharing!  

I think that’s the only way we do actually learn. By experience. The hard way.  Otherwise there is no lesson to be learned.  
 

People can read till the cows come home, which will help their logic and understanding , but nothing turns the heat up on growing as a person than actually experiencing and practicing NC, self control and self worth in those moments of irreversible heartache.

It’s helpful to learn the game. And NC very much usually starts out as a game for power. Then it turns into a gain for power …hmm.. I like that one 😇😂
 

OP he has literally told you exactly what to do. Go no contact and in those moments you will find yourself again. Once that’s happens someone will find you too . 

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like this relationship was filled with a lot of chaos, impulsivity and poor decision making.  This is not how a healthy relationship works.  Accept that it's over and don't entertain delusions of getting her back.  It's time to let it go and work on gaining more stability in your life.