He has a platonic love for another girl

[confusa91]

I like a friend of mine, who I recently met. At first we started meeting as friends, and he introduced me to his group of friends. Lately we've realized that not only do we enjoy spending time together, but that there is chemistry between us (we've been openly telling each other). We text every day, hang out a lot just the two of us, and have even had sex a couple of times. The problem is, he's had this platonic love for 4 years for another girl who I'm also friends with (same group of friends). Nothing has ever happened between them, and they don't see each other alone, but only when there is a group activity. He doesn't ask her out and she doesn't ask him out. I'm 99% sure she doesn't like him (I've been told this by some mutual friends who are close to her). He told me today that he wants to fix his situation with this other girl before starting a new relationship, and that he wants to give her 3/4 months to see if she does a move.

He also made it clear that I am one of his greatest friends and he hopes we can still be friends if we don't make any moves now, or eventually ever. We are really close friends and part of me feels sorry for him being stuck in that platonic love. I'd like to help him, but I don't want him to think I'm doing this just because I like him. Any advice?

My gut tells me I have a chance with him if I stick around, but I'm afraid of hurting myself more.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, confusa91 said:

 part of me feels sorry for him being stuck in that platonic love. I'd like to help him, 

Don't feel sorry for him. He's not stuck in anything. You two are FWB and that's ok. But he has the hots for her. So in a way you're giving him the sex he can't get from her right now.

If you are having fun with this that's ok, but be crystal clear that he uses people in his games.

If you are interested in dating, a BF or relationship, this is not the guy. You don't have to hold his hand and have sex until he finds someone else.

Do what is in your own best interests. 

[stillafool]

I agree with Wiseman.  He can't turn his feelings off for her and automatically start loving you.  You are setting yourself up to be hurt by offering to be his fall back girl if the one he really wants doesn't show action in the next 3-4 months.  You need to just let him go because he isn't going to be more than a friend to you.

[confusa91]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I agree with Wiseman.  He can't turn his feelings off for her and automatically start loving you.  You are setting yourself up to be hurt by offering to be his fall back girl if the one he really wants doesn't show action in the next 3-4 months.  You need to just let him go because he isn't going to be more than a friend to you.

I see your and Wiseman point. 

Besides the situation between us, am I the only one that doesn't feel healthy/normal the fact that he is somehow convinced that she likes him? After four years of almost nothing. To me it feels like he has feelings for an idea (he told me that he doesn't know if he likes her). I am intrigued by understanding human psyche ahah.

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, confusa91 said:

I see your and Wiseman point. 

Besides the situation between us, am I the only one that doesn't feel healthy/normal the fact that he is somehow convinced that she likes him? After four years of almost nothing. To me it feels like he has feelings for an idea (he told me that he doesn't know if he likes her). I am intrigued by understanding human psyche ahah.

Yes it is unhealthy and he is delusional about her.  He too cannot make her love him and needs to move on.

[Foxhall]

14 hours ago, confusa91 said:

and that he wants to give her 3/4 months to see if she does a move.

dont like that comment at all. Do you??

never accept second best and tell him where to go

[stillafool]

I don't see anything platonic about the love his has for this other girl.

[glows]

On 11/28/2021 at 10:45 AM, confusa91 said:

Besides the situation between us, am I the only one that doesn't feel healthy/normal the fact that he is somehow convinced that she likes him? After four years of almost nothing. To me it feels like he has feelings for an idea (he told me that he doesn't know if he likes her). I am intrigued by understanding human psyche ahah.

It seems like a very elaborate story to avoid being with you in any relationship or more than fwb. I'm afraid he is just not into you.

It probably has very little to do with her and she is just an old excuse that has become warm and comforting, a blanket cover and go-to line that he knows works and sounds soft and complex. There's nothing complex or intriguing about it. He knows that she has no interest. The plain truth is that he doesn't see anything in what he's got with you - it's hard to face that but better to accept it than tell yourself he's interested. Don't see him again if you have feelings for him. It's not reciprocated.

 

[ShyViolet]

On 11/28/2021 at 4:38 AM, confusa91 said:

 He told me today that he wants to fix his situation with this other girl before starting a new relationship, and that he wants to give her 3/4 months to see if she does a move.

Ok, so she is his first choice, and you are his second choice.  He couldn't be making that more clear.  Are you ok with being someone's second choice?

If he truly wanted to be with you, he would go ahead and be with you right now.  But he doesn't like you enough to do that.  All he wants to do is wait around to see if he can be with his first choice.