20 years living a lie

[No but I will be]

I thought I had it all but I’ve been living in a lie for nearly 20 years unbeknown to me

I’m married to my high school sweetheart but apparently “to the exclusion of all others” didn’t mean to her what it meant to me.

I wont burden you with the details because in all honesty I don’t really want to re-live it. But I lost my wife and my best friend in one massive blow. After a car accident one of our kids needed urgent care and it was only then my wife had to come clean to the doctors about his real father, my best friend.

They’ve been having a great time for the last 20 years, along with his wife, in their own little threesome fantasy world. I now know all three of my kids are biologically his. I haven't seen them to confirm but she said she has got paternity tests for each.

20 years of lies and deception. Why? Why not just leave? I’m getting no answers from any of them. Oh they’re sorry of course, but I think they’re more sorry they got caught not what they’ve done to me. I’m such an idiot for not seeing it.

She’s moved in with them to continue their happy fantasy life. They’re set. Three wages to pay a mortgage, I’m left with a house I can’t afford to keep so must sell. I might as well just burn it down.

And now after I somehow get over this I have to start again. She’s just continues on but now doesn’t have to hide it. And my mate, well now he’s a hero, the guy with two women. Sure our friends are all angry what he did to me but they’re also impressed by him. They disgust me too. He should be ostracized from our group.

Her sister-in-law contacted me to say sorry which I initially appreciated but then I realized she was apologizing because she knew and said nothing. She then invited me out telling me she’s always had a crush on me. Really!?!? Some people have no idea.

I must have looked like the biggest idiotic cuckold to everyone.

And to think at a Christmas party a few years ago one of the younger girls kissed me. I literally pushed her away. She was drunk. I think it was a dare. And my wife lost it, we nearly divorced because I was cheating. Obviously a lie but a good act she put on there.

Oh and the time I caught her and her friend kissing...  I told them to go for it, I though they were experimenting.  They told me they were drunk.  How grateful they must have been that I was so blind to the truth.  I bet they got a good laugh out of that the next time they were alone in their orgy bed. 

I think back to all the times we were together and how they must have been laughing behind my back. My whole life is pointless now. All the good is gone. Wife. Kids. Friends. Home. Even my job is up in the air as it’s at my father-in-law’s company. What’s left? And they have it all, they no longer have to hide it. I can’t let it go.

I don’t even have any questions yet, I just wanted to talk, to vent I guess. This only happened a month ago. I’m sure some questions will come so I hope I can bounce ideas around here as I get my head around this. Oh and just to let you know I’m in Australia.

Thanks for listening.

[salparadise]

Man, that is messed up beyond belief. You definitely need someone you can talk to because talking about it is necessary for healing. It's a huge loss and grief is a big part of what you feel. If anyone in your friend group is someone you'd be comfortable confiding in, ask. Also get a good therapist. You can't do this alone. Don't turn to drugs or alcohol; it will only compound the problem and delay your recovery. Get the kids DNA tested to be certain, or at least insist on seeing the tests that she had done. Check with a lawyer –– I don't know what the laws are in Australia, but it's possible that you could have some legal recourse. You might consider moving to a different city/town/country if you're going to have to start over anyway. I wish there was something I could say to make it less painful, but all I we can really do is empathize. Find someone, or several people (friends), who are willing to listen and spend time with you, and get into counseling asap. How you feel is not who you are, feelings change and you will feel better if you deal with this  properly –– meaning allow yourself time to work through the process, and find new outlets to express feelings and develop some camaraderie.

[Happy Lemming]

In addition to the legal aspects of all of this, you are going to have to sell the house you are in.  If you can't afford it, best to try to sell it before foreclosure. There will probably be some profit to be made and you are going to need money to throw at problems that arise as you navigate this quagmire.  You are also going to have to find a new job, you can't continue to work for your (soon to be ex) father-in-law's company.  

Before you even try to start to heal from this mess, you are going to have to deal with the logistics of day to day life. (A job and a place to live that you can afford)

You do have a long hill to climb, try to take it one step at a time.

[No but I will be]

There has been a bit of a development.  She has told me I can keep the house.  That means when I sell I keep all the profit and will at least be able to afford something small.

I have lost my job.  My FIL was very emotional when it happened but said there was no option. He kept apologizing.  He did get me position at a competitors company so I'm still working at least, although for quite a lot less.

The kids, MY KIDS!!, are very upset.  They want to come and live with me.  I'm not sure what legal right I have here but whatever may come of that she has screwed their minds up.

I'm actively looking interstate for a new start.  I can see people pointing and giggling here.  I'm that idiot guy whose wife was cheating for 20 years.  It's not going to be something to live down.

Oh, and what is it with women?  Do they love dumb guys?  I've had no less than three offers of a date.  It's not like I'm a model or anything, I don't see what they're attracted to.  And why would you want to date a guy that's literally in the middle of this mess?  Maybe in a year I could understand.  I guess it gives the ego a boost, so there is that.  Small mercies. 

[Happy Lemming]

When I've had a mess to navigate, I've always told myself my goal was to make it from one day to the next.  Try not to make any long term decisions.  If possible, try to get a month to month lease on a rental, when the house sells.  Avoid any long term commitments, as circumstances may change.

And yes, you are looking at a lot on your plate, do not complicate matters by trying to date.

I am glad to hear you have a new job, that has to take a little bit of worry off of your mind.

As for people giggling at you, who cares... I never cared what other people thought of me.  You did nothing wrong, hold your head up high.

Although your wife told you you can keep the house and profit, I'd want that in writing.  Money has a way of changing people.  Maybe she could sign the house over to you.  You may want to research "Quitclaim" deeds and see if it applies to your situation and if it is legal in your state/area.

As for the kids, the house, dissolving the marriage, etc., you really need to seek the advice of a good lawyer that is familiar with the laws in your state/area.  Take a day and write down any and all questions you can think of, get a notebook and write one question on each page, leaving the rest of the page available for the lawyer's response.  Your goal is to minimize that lawyer's time and frequency you contact him/her.  You don't want to rack up a lot of billable hours.