Healthy Relationship with an Ex?

[robahas]

About six years ago, my wife (now ex) had an affair and after a very explosive couple months, left me with our house and two kids. Both are now young adults and on their own. One of them won't talk to her and hasn't since the day she left. The other is on good terms. Aside from emails related to our divorce, which were very "professional," we basically have had no communication for about five years. About a year ago, I was walking through a parking lot to a store and I realized that she and I were on a collision course. I got incredibly nervous and prepared to attempt a friendly greeting. However, before I could do this, she also saw me and made a b-line in the opposite direction. Her boyfriend was behind us and did not see me. He kept calling to her because he didn't understand why she had suddenly taken off in the opposite direction. Partly, I thought this was funny and I just shook my head. Partly, though, it saddens me, and it is a minor psychological burden to me. It's just so strange to share 25 years with someone and then suddenly be cut off completely.  Maybe the problem is that I feel that she must irrevocably hate me, and I don't like that. (Leave aside the fact that she was the one who cheated and left her family.) I don't want to get back together with her at all, though I did for a couple years. It just bothers me that she has completely cut me off. It would be meaningful for me if we could have some sort of exchange, even if just to laugh at how crazy our breakup was, or just to be able to say "Hi, how's it going?" in the parking lot or the grocery store. We live in a medium size city, not far from each other, so the occasional contact is almost inevitable. One issue is that every time I come close to having contact with her, I'm thrown back into the emotions of our divorce. I feel like the no contact situation has robbed me of the chance to emotionally adjust to the new situation. All this time, I have not been in a relationship -- partly enjoying being single, partly the 50-something dating scene sucks. LOL Then there's the weird irony that one of my kids treats her exactly the way she treats me (total silence).

So, recently I sent her an email where I talked about what I had been up to. Just general stuff and asked her how she and her parents were, and expressed interest in being just a little bit friendly, while at the same time emphasizing that I would never want us to get back together or anything like that. I haven't heard anything back and to be honest, I don't expect to. Nor will I try again if there is no response.

My big question is: how to deal with all this unresolved stuff? It's weird, but just a simple friendly email from her would make a difference to me, and I wish it didn't matter. One the other hand, I want to emphasize that this is a somewhat minor issue. It does not keep me up at night, or stress me out a lot. But it does surface from time to time. Possibly, it is affecting my mental and emotional health more than I realize. I'm not sure. Does anyone else have a similar experience? I guess I always assumed (probably from watching movies) that exes were at least distantly friendly to each other. I'm also astounded when I hear about people who go through a difficult divorce and are with another partner within a matter of months. I barely feel ready for another relationship after 6 years! Its seems like one never really gets over these things fully. Am I right? And maybe this does lie behind the fact that I have not developed a relationship with someone else yet. 

Thanks for you thoughts. 

[glows]

Therapy and personal goals would do the trick. I don't mean to sound trite but dealing with the fall out of a divorce or what you feel to be missing afterwards is none of her problem. It's on you to readjust and bring yourself back on track. Find passions, hobbies, interests and good people to bring into your life or rekindle friendships and strengthen your other relationships such as those with your kids, friends or family relatives. 

Since the email is out there there's nothing else to do but the rejection of hearing no response might caused you to feel worse overall. This is not really about her and her ignoring everyone. It's about you dealing with rejection and pain from the past and also due to your present/current actions. Don't send any other emails as it's inappropriate especially if she's got a new life and a new man. Turn to your other ongoings and put this aside. Don't keep going down this path and around in circles. It's self-destructive and holding you back. The more good energy and great things you've got going on with you, the less this has to do with her. Therapy might also help you get to the bottom of why you feel so worthless and keep digging yourself deeper seeking answers from an ex who is not in your life any longer.

Hang in there. I've been where you are. 

 

[robahas]

Thanks. I hear this. You are right. 

[DeeperBlue]

I'd guess that your ex knows she behaved poorly and is deeply embarrassed. Acknowledging you means acknowledging her own guilt – that's tough for most people to do. For what it's worth, her inability to face you – even through email – shows that it still haunts her. If she really didn't care she'd have had no trouble being friendly. 

[emprosnet7]

Six years is enough time for you to move on. That is something you should focus all your energy and not trying to figure out why she did not contact you, that is pointless.