Affair with co worker; he left his wife and went back again

[kaylasummer]

I'm new here, have been reading some of your stories, and oh how I can relate! I met my MM when I started working for him just over four years ago. He made me feel alive again after years of being in a lonely loveless marriage. I figured it was innocent flirting since we were both married and nothing would ever happen. He's a doctor with a private practice and I his right hand person. We became very close friends, gong out for drinks or dinner where we could talk for hours several evenings a week. He even introduced me to his friends and siblings where we'd spend evenings watching movies, staying at their family cabin, or going out. He asked me to slow dance one evening we were out and that was it..we fell for each other.

I had been with my ex since high school, but our relationship had been pretty much over for years. I didn't believe in divorce and that was extremely hard for me, but MM was there for me throughout and helped me realize how wrong my ex was. I had met MM's wife several times when she'd stop by the office. His wife is fifteen years older than me and five years older than MM. They didn't have much in common and pretty much had their own lives. She seemed to enjoy the "lifestyle".. his money. We didn't take anything to the next level until about a year and a half in when it just happened one evening, a few months after our slow dance. The sex was extremely intense and amazing like nothing we had ever experienced before. However, we both felt horrible as he was still married. We tried to stay away from each other after that, but couldn't. 

We had overnights when his wife was on vacation or when he was staying at the family cabin with his "brothers". However, it absolutely killed me when he had to leave. I ended it a handful of times over the next two years because it was just so hard, but that never lasted more than a few days. We were like magnets, had so much in common,  so much fun together, and shared several mutual friends (his best friend married my best friend.. they met when we were all just friends and supported us completely throughout.. they saw what we had and believed we needed to be together). They even set us up a couple of times I tried to end it by having us show up at the same place.

His wife found out almost two years in to the physical affair after someone had called her and he admitted to it. He left her after this. His wife tried to take him through the ringer with alimony (she had never worked) and I watched him losing everything he worked so hard for. She tried to turn his kids against us and threatened to take them out of state where she was from. She started contacting me telling me I ruined their family and begged me to walk away for their kids, as that was her only chance at getting her family back..... so I did. I needed to do the right thing. I left my job, walked away from the love of my life, and told him he needs to be with his wife and kids. He tried to stop me, told me he loved me several times, and I walked away with my heart breaking in to a b'zillion pieces. It's been six months. I haven't taken his calls and recently found out from mutual friends that he isn't doing well at all. My heart has been broken for six months. He was "the one" and I can't imagine finding that kind of love again, ever. I can't go back there. Please help me stay strong

Edited December 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
update title

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

I'm new here, have been reading some of your stories, and oh how I can relate! I met my MM when I started working for him just over four years ago. He made me feel alive again after years of being in a lonely loveless marriage. I figured it was innocent flirting since we were both married and nothing would ever happen. He's a doctor with a private practice and I his right hand person. We became very close friends, gong out for drinks or dinner where we could talk for hours several evenings a week. He even introduced me to his friends and siblings where we'd spend evenings watching movies, staying at their family cabin, or going out. He asked me to slow dance one evening we were out and that was it..we fell for each other.

I had been with my ex since high school, but our relationship had been pretty much over for years. I didn't believe in divorce and that was extremely hard for me, but MM was there for me throughout and helped me realize how wrong my ex was. I had met MM's wife several times when she'd stop by the office. His wife is fifteen years older than me and five years older than MM. They didn't have much in common and pretty much had their own lives. She seemed to enjoy the "lifestyle".. his money. We didn't take anything to the next level until about a year and a half in when it just happened one evening, a few months after our slow dance. The sex was extremely intense and amazing like nothing we had ever experienced before. However, we both felt horrible as he was still married. We tried to stay away from each other after that, but couldn't. 

We had overnights when his wife was on vacation or when he was staying at the family cabin with his "brothers". However, it absolutely killed me when he had to leave. I ended it a handful of times over those two years because it was just so hard, but that never lasted more than a few days. We were like magnets, had so much in common,  so much fun together, and shared several mutual friends (his best friend married my best friend.. they met when we were all just friends and supported us completely throughout.. they saw what we had and believed we needed to be together). They even set us up a couple of times I tried to end it by having us show up at the same place.

His wife found out almost two years in to the physical affair after someone had called her and he admitted to it. He left her after this. His wife tried to take him through the ringer with alimony (she had never worked) and I watched him losing everything he worked so hard for. She tried to turn his kids against us and threatened to take them out of state where she was from. She started contacting me telling me I ruined their family and begged me to walk away for their kids, as that was her only chance at getting her family back..... so I did. I needed to do the right thing. I walked away from the love of my life and told him he needs to be with his wife and kids. He tried to stop me, told me he loved me several times, and I walked away with my heart breaking in to a b'zillion pieces. It's been six months. I haven't taken his calls and recently found out from mutual friends that he isn't doing well at all. My heart has been broken for six months. He was "the one" and I can't imagine finding that kind of love again, ever. I can't go back there. Please help me stay strong

I'm so sorry😢 I am new to recent MM heart break as of just a week. I can't imagine feeling this way in 6 months. You have come to a good place as lots of support exists here. I'm here for you and I feel your pain. xx

[stillafool]

Wow OP you have been through a lot in your affair.  May I ask why MM went back to his wife after she made horrible threats against him?  Is it because he doesn't want to be alone?  At first he was leaving her for you so I assume he knew must have known it would cost him money because she had never worked.  Why didn't he just go through with the divorce anyway even if you two weren't going to be together?

[kaylasummer]

I walked away from him and told him he needed to be with his wife and kids after his wife contacted me begging me to walk away. What kills me is that he broke down, told me he loved me multiple times, tried to stop me, and I still walked out. That replays in my head all of the time! I did answer one of his calls shortly after as I as lying in bed literally sobbing. I told him I'm doing "really well" and reiterated that I wanted him with his wife and kids as that was "the right" thing to do (he hadn't filed yet). It killed me that he actually did go back, but I know how much he loves his kids. I knew it would break my heart, but I thought I'd feel better doing "the right thing". I didn't. I feel like my heart will be broken forever.

[IrinaM]

I'm confused. There's a lot of talk about "leaving" "breaking up" "walking out." A lot of confrontations and drama and chaos. Help me understand--he never filed for divorce, and is currently married to the same woman he was married to when you met. Correct?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, kaylasummer said:

I told him I'm doing "really well" and reiterated that I wanted him with his wife and kids as that was "the right" thing to do (he hadn't filed yet).

So even though he no longer was in love with his wife but in love with you; he went back with her instead of divorcing and going on his own?  It doesn't matter whether you told him to go back or not if he no longer wanted his wife why doesn't he have the backbone to leave and go it alone if he couldn't be with you?  Had he already moved out of the house he was living in with his wife?

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

His wife tried to take him through the ringer with alimony (she had never worked) and I watched him losing everything he worked so hard for.

I suppose that is a matter of perspective.

Oh, how much easier this could have been if he would have ended one relationship before beginning another…  Had he divorced and respected his wife and children enough to give them time to adjust to a new normal before introducing a new relationship - you would quite possibly be together today. 

But, that didn’t happen and now look at the mess of really unhappy people in this situation. 

Edited November 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

May I ask why MM went back to his wife after she made horrible threats against him? 

Also my question. Why would he go back when she had behaved so badly? Obviously, he decided to try and cut his losses… Still, he must have known that the divorce was going to be a huge financial loss when he left - particularly because she has not worked and they have children. I’m thinking primarily about the children - they are going to be so confused and hurt by all of this - 

Edited November 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[IrinaM]

2 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

His wife found out almost two years in to the physical affair after someone had called her and he admitted to it. He left her after this. His wife tried to take him through the ringer with alimony (she had never worked) and I watched him losing everything he worked so hard for. She tried to turn his kids against us and threatened to take them out of state where she was from.

How could she ask for alimony when they are still married? Alimony is a legal term, and there was never a petition for divorce filed (i think).

[basil67]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

May I ask why MM went back to his wife after she made horrible threats against him?  

Perhaps he figured that she had good reason to be furious?   I'd be more likely to forgive bad behaviour if my own actions triggered it.

 

 

Edited November 29, 2021 by basil67

[basil67]

3 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

His wife tried to take him through the ringer with alimony (she had never worked)

I'm sure she raised the children and support her husband so that he could dedicate himself to work?    Let's not undervalue "women's work"

[BaileyB]

I get it, I have a friend who was married for many years. When they divorced, it cost him dearly because she did not work and they had been together for so many years… He is a dentist, he will likely work for many years to finance his divorce. 

That said, in this situation his wife has been managing his home and raising his children while he has been enjoying romantic dinners and weekends with his office assistant. As the woman who has been sleeping with her husband, it’s a little disingenuous of you to complain that she is trying to take him to the cleaners, taking everything he has worked for -

Given the situation, I feel like she is entitled to some compensation. Personally, I would be asking for everything myself and my children are due.

That said, the law is the law and how much she is entitled to will be decided by the court which will take into account her lack of employment, her employment potential, the number of years they have been married, and how many children they share. 

Not that it matters, it sounds like he has returned to his family because that is his only option now and I can imagine that it’s not a happy family life he is enjoying. Only time will tell whether they are able to reconcile or whether he will show up on your doorstep hoping that you will take him in…

Its just a darn shame, because this didn’t have to happen this way. If his marriage was not happy, he could have done right by his wife and family and still pursued a relationship with you… Affairs cause so much pain for so many people -
 

Edited November 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[kaylasummer]

It is sad all around. I never meant to fall for him. I never in a million years thought that I could end up in a situation like this. I have always had morals and a huge conscience which is why I ended it a few times throughout the two years. However, I also dreamed of the day we could be together for real, not the other woman. I dreamed of the day we could be completely open about our relationship and do real family things with our kids. His kids loved me as "dad's friend" when they'd come to the office after school and we had taken our kids on outings all together. I loved his kids and he was amazing with mine as well.. his nieces and nephews took to me when they would stop by work or while at the family cabin also.  

I  dreamed of the day we could just be a real family. I wish it hadn't gone down the way it did. I didn't want his wife to feel that kind of pain (I was cheated on by my ex, so I know that pain). He finally left (he was staying at their family cabin for the one who asked); I should have been happy, right?!  How do you go on together when she was hurting and tried to turn his kids against us. I couldn't live with that guilt and his kids forever seeing me as the one who broke up their parent's marriage. Yes I told him he needed to make it right for his wife and kids and it broke my heart in a b'zillion pieces to walk away. The ultimate heartbreak was hearing he actually went back.

To the one who asked about the alimony.. she hired a lawyer to get her ducks in a row after finding out and threatened alimony. There's so much more to our story that I left out; no one has time to read a novel. Edited to add: I agree it didn't have to happen this way. He told me in the beginning that his marriage was basically over, they had grown apart, and only together for the kids. They also had multiple properties which made it messy.  I ended my marriage and he had made several comments over the two years about ending his. I had so much hope. I wish it hadn't gone down the way it did.

Edited November 29, 2021 by kaylasummer

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

His kids loved me as "dad's friend" when they'd come to the office after school and we had taken our kids on outings all together. I loved his kids and he was amazing with mine as well.. his nieces and nephews took to me when they would stop by work or while at the family cabin also.  

Kayla, this is all just so inappropriate. He was married to another woman and he introduced you to his kids - and you spent time together with his children and your children as a family. You have to know how inappropriate this was - what would you think if your husband introduced your children to his affair partner, to her children, and they spent time together as a family? What would you think of his judgment as a parent? If you are like most mothers - you would go mama bear! You would be right angry - and rightfully so. 

He took you to “the family cabin” - the cabin he shares with his wife and children? You spent time there on romantic weekends and his family would stop by the cabin? That’s a huge intrusion in what would be “her space.” You may say that it is his family cabin (ie, not “their cabin”) or she never went/she wouldn't care… This, to me, is akin to him bringing you into his/her home and that is incredibly disrespectful.

I’m not saying this to be unkind, it feels terrible to say it when I know you are hurting… but, you need to understand why she has responded the way that she has - what you have done crosses boundaries in the most hurtful and disrespectful way.

That said, you did the right thing. He may still choose to be with you - he chose to leave once, he may decide that he does not want to reconcile his marriage. BUT - he needs to make that decision with his wife. They need to decide the future of their marriage without your influence. It’s the only way there is any hope that you will be able to start again together in good conscience - and even then, it may be too late. Too many hurt feelings, too much water under the bridge…

I’m sorry that you are hurting, I really am. But, one can not engage in an affair that crosses these kind of boundaries and not expect that there will be serious consequences. It was a little naive to think that he would just leave and you would all be a happy family… It’s possible, I’ve seen it in my own life (although the betrayal was not nearly as personal or as hurtful) but it was not without years of suffering and pain for all the spouses and children…

Edited November 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

He was "the one" and I can't imagine finding that kind of love again, ever. I can't go back there. Please help me stay strong.

I'll help you stay strong by saying that this here^^^ is absolute delusion. If you go to a Disney movie and you see animals that talk and if you come home and think the animals around you will be able to talk, then THAT thought is more in touch with reality than the feeling that "I can't imagine finding that kind of love again."

I don't know how to say this gently, but the idea that this guy was SO special and that no one of the 7 billion people on the planet could be fun to spend time with--is just not true.  It's a brain illusion. Unfortunately many people need to get far past an affair to realize how dysfunctional and destructive and corrosive of self esteem, corrosive of self-respect and on and on and affair really is. 

Go build a life, a real life of interests, hobbies, goals, improvements, fitness, living your values--go and live a full life (add  in some good fun) and you'll be building immunity to this guy's charms. 

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, kaylasummer said:

He told me in the beginning that his marriage was basically over, they had grown apart, and only together for the kids. They also had multiple properties which made it messy.

Says every married man - read these boards and you will see that it’s true. Also said by many married men with children - I don’t want to lose full custody of my children, she says that she will deny me custody/take them away, or she has turned my children against me. 

It is, as they say, a tale as old as time… As women, we need to wise up and stop falling for this crap. 

Sure, they have multiple properties that will make the divorce messy. In my first example above, the husband was in business with her family - that was messy, he still divorced (and has found a wonderful woman now). In my second example, the couple owned a business together - that was messy, they still divorced.

Most married men don’t leave for exactly these reasons - they would prefer to keep the comforts of family life, to see their children everyday, and to keep their wealth intact. It’s a rare few who actually leave because there are tremendous personal consequences for this decision. 

Whatever the state of their marriage, it’s between them. She may be a disengaged wife and a miserable woman or she may be the most loving and supportive of partners - you don’t know because you are not in the home/marriage. You can’t trust that you are getting the true story because he’s not going to tell you that he’s married to a lovely woman who has given him the best years of her life while she has cared for his home, raised his children, and supported him as he pursued his career. Very few women would have sex with a man if he said this about his marriage, which is why they give the standard lines… 

If he wants to divorce, he will file for divorce. Unfortunately, you got a little ahead of yourself… He should have filed for divorce before you introduced your children… Even though you ended it, you are struggling to accept a few things. You have absolutely bought his story about his marriage - which may or may not be true. My advice, stop thinking about her/them and start thinking about you. You need to discover why you thought this was a good decision and how to get yourself to a better place. If you haven’t found a counsellor yet, I would strongly advise that you try to find yourself a good counsellor. There is a lot to unpack here - wishing you the best.

 

Edited November 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[kaylasummer]

Thanks for the honesty, even though some of it is hard to hear. I have tried dating, but its difficult when still in love with MM and he is all I'm thinking about on the few dates I've been on.. I guess I'm not emotionally available yet and possibly still hanging on to hope.  I was probably delusional to think we could just walk off in the sunset and become one big happy family. It's never that easy. I completely get why his wife reacted the way she did. I just still love him and wish it didn't hurt so much. I need to hate him and I can't.

[ExpatInItaly]

If he really wanted out, he would have taken the chance to divorce her. But on some levels, he wants to be with her and his kids more than he wants to be with you. Whatever his motivations are (security, worry about not seeing his kids, worry about alimony), he is still choosing his marriage. 

And chances are that this would not have worked out as the Happily Ever After you imagined anyway. He might never have actually walked away, or he might have walked away for a little bit and then changed his mind and gone back. Or you might have discovered that a full-time relationship with him is not what it's cracked up to be, riddled with trust issues and nagging suspicions that he might one day cheat on you, too. It is unlikely there would have been a happy life ahead with him, given how often affairs don't transition into long-term and happy relationships once the cover is blown. 

I think once you realize your imagined future with this person might never have come to fruition the way you hoped, it will be easier for you to move on. 

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

It is sad all around. I never meant to fall for him. I never in a million years thought that I could end up in a situation like this. I have always had morals and a huge conscience which is why I ended it a few times throughout the two years. However, I also dreamed of the day we could be together for real, not the other woman. I dreamed of the day we could be completely open about our relationship and do real family things with our kids. His kids loved me as "dad's friend" when they'd come to the office after school and we had taken our kids on outings all together. I loved his kids and he was amazing with mine as well.. his nieces and nephews took to me when they would stop by work or while at the family cabin also.  

I  dreamed of the day we could just be a real family. I wish it hadn't gone down the way it did. I didn't want his wife to feel that kind of pain (I was cheated on by my ex, so I know that pain). He finally left (he was staying at their family cabin for the one who asked); I should have been happy, right?!  How do you go on together when she was hurting and tried to turn his kids against us. I couldn't live with that guilt and his kids forever seeing me as the one who broke up their parent's marriage. Yes I told him he needed to make it right for his wife and kids and it broke my heart in a b'zillion pieces to walk away. The ultimate heartbreak was hearing he actually went back.

To the one who asked about the alimony.. she hired a lawyer to get her ducks in a row after finding out and threatened alimony. There's so much more to our story that I left out; no one has time to read a novel. Edited to add: I agree it didn't have to happen this way. He told me in the beginning that his marriage was basically over, they had grown apart, and only together for the kids. They also had multiple properties which made it messy.  I ended my marriage and he had made several comments over the two years about ending his. I had so much hope. I wish it hadn't gone down the way it did.

Well do we ever wish it to go down the way it did? Heck to the NO! We probably subconsciously see some fairytale ending you know a real cinderella type story. Well is does not work that way in 90% of cases with affairs. Keep doing your work to distance, protect your heart and remember your own worth! Ok? xx

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

It's been six months.

It would be best to see a therapist to finally process your divorce. He was a crutch. 

If you look back, your depression and anxiety were there for a long time. During your unhappy marriage, during your divorce, during your affair.

The affair was just an escape, which because of your poor handling of things harmed innocent people.

He's no saint. He's probably been womanizing for a long time. 

Forgot about him. Focus on your own healing and wellbeing.

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps he figured that she had good reason to be furious?   I'd be more likely to forgive bad behaviour if my own actions triggered it.

 

 

What I actually meant was if he was so willing to leave to go with OW because his wife was horrible why after OW told him to go back to wife and kids did he do that instead of going on his own and following through with divorce?  Then he would have had an opportunity to really be with his OW.  To me, it just sounds like more MM lies.  No man goes back to a horrible marriage just because his OW tells him to.  He had never filed for divorce in the first place and was never going to leave his wife and kids.  This isn't some tragic love story.

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

What kills me is that he broke down, told me he loved me multiple times, tried to stop me, and I still walked out.

Why didn't he march down to his attorney's office and file for divorce to show you he meant what he said about leaving his wife?  He didn't go back because you told him to he went back because he wanted to.  He certainly didn't do his wife any favors going back if he no longer loved her and was in love with you.  Does he now sleep in a separate room?

[Starswillshine]

I am really sorry that you are in pain. You had one of the stories that might have made it.

I don't understand how he went back to his wife if he already decided it was bad enough to leave it. Though, I have seen it happen many times before. I don't know how his wife could have taken him back.

As for his wife threatening him? That really is not a threat. It is how divorce works. If a woman has stayed home to raise the family/kids, she has been taken out of the work force and lost wages.  Depending on the length of time she has been out of the work force and her earning potential now, she would always get alimony. AND That is how it should be. Especially in the case where the husband does something that breaks the marriage bond/family. She is not the bad guy here (and I'm not saying anyone needs to be the bad guy, but it certainly is not her). As for as turning the kids against him, I have one child that does not speak to her dad at all. I have tried my hardest to repair that relationship between the two of them, but she is not budging. The other kids tolerate him. But prior to his affair and our subsequent divorce, they all thought he hung the moon. His affair shattered that illusion. And I have made it quite clear to them that their dad did not abandoned them. That it was ME who decided that I could not live with the betrayal. I divorced him, not the other way around. However, had he actually left me for his OW, I think it would be 1,000 times worse. 

What was it that made you feel that you needed to end it? Was it just the guilt? Is there more to this story?  It seems you got exactly what you wanted and still want. 

[anika99]

16 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

His wife tried to take him through the ringer with alimony (she had never worked) and I watched him losing everything he worked so hard for.

How did he lose everything he worked for when later on you say all she did was threaten him with alimony and they never even filed for divorce? What did he lose? 

With all due respect it doesn't sound like he ever seriously left. It sounds like their marriage was in crisis due to infidelity and everyone was having a meltdown especially his wife and rightfully so. What exactly was his plan? That he would just leave and walk off into the sunset with you and it wouldn't cost him anything even though he had children and a wife that didn't work? Sounds like he was lost in the fantasy of an affair and when he saw the cost and the pain he caused he had a dose reality. It was easier to go back then see it through. When a person really wants to divorce they do it and they don't need an affair partner waiting for them in the wings. He and his wife and his kids are still suffering the pain he brought into the family. It takes a looong time for a family to heal after infidelity and especially when their has been such betrayal and disrespect by bringing his kids into the affair. Consider yourself lucky that you got to just walk away and cry about losing your "true love" like you're in a romance novel. His family is going through much worse. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[FMW]

Instead of trying to convince you to stay, he could have filed for divorce and then come to you with a real offer of being together.  It doesn't really matter why he didn't do that - he still chose something else over being with you in a legitimate relationship, whether it was the fear of losing money, property, reputation or whatever.  That's all you need to focus on.  

I've experienced a strong connection with someone following years of an empty marriage, I understand how strong it hits you and holds on to you.  I also know that you CAN eventually connect with someone else, just as strongly but in an honest and  committed relationship.  But to get there you have to be very honest with yourself and see everything clearly and as it really is, not how you want it to be.  Holding on to the fantasy won't change the reality and will only keep you stuck exactly where you are right now.