Affair with co worker; he left his wife and went back again

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

True. Maybe he wasn’t ready or hadn’t planned to leave until Dday. I do know he told her he was in love with me. She told me which is why she asked that I walk away as that was her only hope at reconciling. It hurt hearing that because I felt the same.. I didn’t tell her that. Regardless, he’s back with his family… and that’s extremely tough to come to terms with. 

Didn't that move make you lose attraction to him somewhat?  He sounds like a very weak man to me. Sorry.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, kaylasummer said:

So our couple friends invited me to a holiday party at their public facility on the lake this Friday evening and reached out to me just now on whether I’m planning to attend. I’ve stayed away from there; that’s where we had our first dance and a million other memories which may be triggering. I know MM frequents this facility and the three of them hang out often. I’m told he hasn’t rsvp’d and they don’t anticipate he will be there. I want to get out and socialize, but can’t imagine facing him. We live in a small community so it’s bound to happen sooner or later. I haven’t responded.

Personally, I would not go. I don’t think you will find it is good for your mental health - it is important to socialize and be with people, but not these people and not in this setting. If you attend, I think you will find that it makes you feel more depressed and lonely - and that won’t be helpful to you right now. 

Edited December 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[kaylasummer]

21 hours ago, mark clemson said:

^^ well, as much as I appreciate the positive call out, the xBS isn't always a kindly, positive, non-problematic figure. Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't. Some fair % of OM/OW posters seem quite unhappy.

And some folks seem to prefer staying in a bad (or at least unsatisfying to them) relationship to being alone or at least need to "test the waters" via an affair in order to gain the confidence they need to leave. Some - definitely agree that's by no means always the case. 

I also agree that it's not really a "once-in-a-lifetime love". Maybe just feels that way at the time.

Overall though I (at least) think it makes sense to not assume that OP is making up her unhappiness with her xH just because she decided to have an affair before she left. There's no real reason (IMO) not to take her at her word on this. Whether he's really  bad is a fair question, but I'd take her unhappiness with her marriage to be genuine - there's no real reason not to believe that, especially when she actually left. He did cheat on her, so that is one item.

This. My marriage was lonely and a very unhappy. xH was not innocent. We had been separated on and off since the first week we were married. It was toxic. He would get flowers each time, apologize, and I'd take him back mainly for the kids, but also because I had never been with anyone else and couldn't imagine being alone. I didn't leave "for MM" during our EA. I left because MM gave me the confidence I needed to finally take that step and leave. He was also there for me and a huge support which I needed. At that time, we were friends, nothing physical had happened at that point. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, kaylasummer said:

I didn't leave "for MM" during our EA. I left because MM gave me the confidence I needed to finally take that step and leave. He was also there for me and a huge support which I needed. At that time, we were friends, nothing physical had happened at that point. 

You were in an emotional affair with the man when you left your marriage. No judgment, it allowed you to leave what sounds like a very unhappy and unhealthy marriage and that’s not a bad thing. While you may not have had aspirations to be with MM, you had clearly crossed the line with him by that point in a way that was very inappropriate. A woman seeking support from a married man when deciding to leave her marriage is not friendship. It crosses boundaries and it would best be described as an emotional affair. 

Edited December 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

 I didn't leave "for MM" during our EA. I left because MM gave me the confidence I needed to finally take that step and leave.

Yes, while many if not most APs prefer to stay in their marriage, there are those who are like you and either monkeybranch or "test the waters" before leaving. C'est la vie.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

. My marriage was lonely and a very unhappy. xH was not innocent. We had been separated on and off since the first week we were married. It was toxic. 

Sorry this happened. It would be best to finally address all of this. Even if your fling with this man provided the courage to leave and a distraction from the pain of a bad marriage and painful divorce, now that this band-aid solution is gone, the tsunami of pain you feel is not just about this man.

It's years and years of unaddressed anxiety, depression and untreated issues. Resolving that is the first step to feeling better.

[anika99]

14 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

This. My marriage was lonely and a very unhappy. xH was not innocent. We had been separated on and off since the first week we were married. It was toxic. He would get flowers each time, apologize, and I'd take him back mainly for the kids, but also because I had never been with anyone else and couldn't imagine being alone. I didn't leave "for MM" during our EA. I left because MM gave me the confidence I needed to finally take that step and leave. He was also there for me and a huge support which I needed. At that time, we were friends, nothing physical had happened at that point. 

That what we often see here as it's kind of typical. Many married OW either leave their husbands or are fully prepared to leave their husbands once they start an affair. Because they have truly been unhappily married for years and their husbands have always been self centered jerks or even downright abusive. When another man comes along and starts building up the ego and confidence of the cheating OW she will do what she's been wanting to do for a long time. Leave her husband. 

MM rarely leave their wives for an affair and it's usually because they are just like the jerk husband that the OW left.  The cheating MM is often the one in the marriage who profited the most while treating their wife like crap. They try to justify their affair by magnifying the faults of their wife because who doesn't have faults but deep down they know that there is nothing seriously wrong with their wife or marriage other than the problems they themselves cause. Of course the OW thinks her MM is the best man ever because during the affair he comes across as loving, attentive, and empathetic so she believes her MM is nothing like the lousy husband she left but really her MM is cut from the same cloth. A man repeatedly cheats and uses another woman to fill the gaps in his life also toxic and unsuitable for marriage and partnership

[BaileyB]

^^^ Kayla, kindly, this is what you need to understand if you are going to challenge the fantasy and move forward with your life. 

As has previously been said, put yourself in his wife’s position. She is home caring for his children and keeping their household running while her husband is either working or occupied with another woman - whether that is fantasizing, communicating, wining and dining, sneaking time together, spending weekends at the family cabin. What do you think her experience in her marriage has been? She has a husband who is not present and that is enough to make any woman miserable. To add insult to injury, most MM have the nerve to blame their wives when they tell their affair partner that the marriage is dead, his wife is disengaged, she neglects his needs, he feels unloved, there is no more sex, and she is preoccupied by the children… Please.

If there are problems in the marriage, he is at least 50% responsible. And if he is cheating, he owns even more responsibility -

You see what he shows you - the attentive, kind, loving, and devoted partner that you think is a dream come true… But that is only part of the story. There is another side to him - cruel, hurtful, dishonest, conflict avoidant, untrustworthy, irresponsible. This is what his wife experiences. Anybody can present an wonderful image of themselves to the world - but is that his true character?  Not in this case. He is no less toxic than your husband, it’s just different and you just haven’t really experienced it yet.

Edited December 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[kaylasummer]

3 hours ago, anika99 said:

That what we often see here as it's kind of typical. Many married OW either leave their husbands or are fully prepared to leave their husbands once they start an affair. Because they have truly been unhappily married for years and their husbands have always been self centered jerks or even downright abusive. When another man comes along and starts building up the ego and confidence of the cheating OW she will do what she's been wanting to do for a long time. Leave her husband. 

MM rarely leave their wives for an affair and it's usually because they are just like the jerk husband that the OW left.  The cheating MM is often the one in the marriage who profited the most while treating their wife like crap. They try to justify their affair by magnifying the faults of their wife because who doesn't have faults but deep down they know that there is nothing seriously wrong with their wife or marriage other than the problems they themselves cause. Of course the OW thinks her MM is the best man ever because during the affair he comes across as loving, attentive, and empathetic so she believes her MM is nothing like the lousy husband she left but really her MM is cut from the same cloth. A man repeatedly cheats and uses another woman to fill the gaps in his life also toxic and unsuitable for marriage and partnership

Interesting perspective. I think you’re absolutely correct from what I’ve been reading on here since I’ve recently joined. Thank you.

[kaylasummer]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

^^^ Kayla, kindly, this is what you need to understand if you are going to challenge the fantasy and move forward with your life. 

As has previously been said, put yourself in his wife’s position. She is home caring for his children and keeping their household running while her husband is either working or occupied with another woman - whether that is fantasizing, communicating, wining and dining, sneaking time together, spending weekends at the family cabin. What do you think her experience in her marriage has been? She has a husband who is not present and that is enough to make any woman miserable. To add insult to injury, most MM have the nerve to blame their wives when they tell their affair partner that the marriage is dead, his wife is disengaged, she neglects his needs, he feels unloved, there is no more sex, and she is preoccupied by the children… Please.

If there are problems in the marriage, he is at least 50% responsible. And if he is cheating, he owns even more responsibility -

You see what he shows you - the attentive, kind, loving, and devoted partner that you think is a dream come true… But that is only part of the story. There is another side to him - cruel, hurtful, dishonest, conflict avoidant, untrustworthy, irresponsible. This is what his wife experiences. Anybody can present an wonderful image of themselves to the world - but is that his true character?  Not in this case. He is no less toxic than your husband, it’s just different and you just haven’t really experienced it yet.

I haven’t really thought about it from this perspective. MM would have been absent quite a bit at home throughout the 3 1/2 years we were together starting with the friendship/EA. He didn’t seem to care about W’s feelings all of the times I tried to end it out of guilt for his W… on top of the guilt, the situation was hard for me too because I was (or thought I was) in love with him.

The longer it went on, I figured maybe she really didn’t care or that their marriage had been dead like MM said. It took Dday for me to realize she did care. Thinking about it, he really was an a#%% for what he did to her. Very sad, really.

[Milly May June]

One good way to know if the claim of a dead marriage is true or a lie is to observe how the BS responds. If the marriage really was dead (whatever does that mean by the way, that a marriage is 'dead'?) the BS would let go of her WS easily without drama since there is an emotional disconnect on both sides. So if you have an angry and hurt BS you can pretty much bust the bubble of the 'my marriage is dead, we live separate lives' lie. 

Think about it, would you engage in a relationship with a MM if you knew there was nothing out of the ordinary with his marriage, he is just going through a midlife crises and needs to feel alive? 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kaylasummer said:

Thinking about it, he really was an a#%% for what he did to her.

And what he did to you. He saw an unhappily married lonely woman and exploited that.

Edited December 2, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

One good way to know if the claim of a dead marriage is true or a lie is to observe how the BS responds. If the marriage really was dead (whatever does that mean by the way, that a marriage is 'dead'?) the BS would let go of her WS easily without drama since there is an emotional disconnect on both sides.

If he was my cheating husband - you would be very welcome to have him Kayla, no disrespect intended. I respect myself too much to cling to a man who chooses another woman. This is not a man that I want to keep - I personally would rather collect my alimony, child support, half of the investments, pension, and home and live happily ever after either by myself or with another man who respects me and who I can trust and respect in kind.

That said, there are many women for whom the saying is true - when the going gets tough, the tough get going. This may not be about love for her - she may want him back for any number of reasons… She may be protecting her home, her family, her children, a lifestyle that they have built together, her reputation - it can be very complex why a betrayed spouse may want to reclaim her cheating husband and it may or may not be about “love.” That said, for whatever the reason, she has gone to battle to claim him back which is not uncommon for some betrayed wives…

Edited December 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

And what he did to you. He saw an unhappily married lonely woman and exploited that.

Boy, did he ever…