Affair with co worker; he left his wife and went back again

[anika99]

16 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

shared several mutual friends (his best friend married my best friend.. they met when we were all just friends and supported us completely throughout.. they saw what we had and believed we needed to be together). They even set us up a couple of times I tried to end it by having us show up at the same place.

Also get better friends. Real friends with good character don't facilitate affairs. Had I been your bestfriend I would have told you that this man wasn't worth the pain he was going to cause you, I would have told you that a cheating husband isn't a good prospect and that you deserve better than that. Had I been  your MM's best friend I would have told him to sh*t or get off the pot. I would have told him that if he wanted to leave his wife he should do it the right way which would mean ending the affair with you until he was moved out and fully separated for at least six months, better still wait until the ink is dry on the signed divorce papers. Then look you up and start a proper relationship. I would have told him that what he was doing and the way he was going about it was just going to end in devastating pain for everyone. Best friends are honest and they look out for their friend's happiness. Instead your friends joined in the dysfunction and even disrespected your wishes by plotting to have you encounter your MM when they knew you wanted to end it. Like what kind of friends do that? Get better friends. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, anika99 said:

Also get better friends. Real friends with good character don't facilitate affairs.

Without a doubt.

And what’s with his family stopping by when you are shacked up at the family cottage? It’s like the whole world knew about this relationship except his wife. How fair is that to his wife - the mother of his children? A good man, a man of character, doesn’t do this to the woman he has promised to love and honour above all others. You however, took this as a positive sign - that people were accepting, that it was somehow meant to be/would bring you everyone you ever wanted. In truth, those who knew and supported this affair (even if they only kept this information from his wife) behaved very inappropriately and extremely disrespectfully to his wife/children. How would you feel OP if you were married to a man who was sneaking around in plain sight with another woman and your/his family, your children, other acquaintances knew about this and said nothing? And then you wonder why she has responded badly to the news that he was leaving and considering divorce…

Edited November 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[Acacia98]

13 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

How do you go on together when she was hurting and tried to turn his kids against us. I couldn't live with that guilt and his kids forever seeing me as the one who broke up their parent's marriage.

Can you be sure that she turned the kids against you? Kids are quite capable of putting two and two together and resenting one parent without being pushed by their other parent to do so. 

I grew up in a similar situation and I remember my Dad used to say my mum had turned us against him, but she never had. His affair had been very much in our faces, indiscreet. We didn't like the way he treated our mother and us by extension. So we were automatically more sympathetic toward her.

[Allupinnit]

18 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Can you be sure that she turned the kids against you? Kids are quite capable of putting two and two together and resenting one parent without being pushed by their other parent to do so. 

I grew up in a similar situation and I remember my Dad used to say my mum had turned us against him, but she never had. His affair had been very much in our faces, indiscreet. We didn't like the way he treated our mother and us by extension. So we were automatically more sympathetic toward her.

That and the kids know who she is!  Now to learn that she's not just "Daddy's friend" his W probably told them all about who you really are and that's why he said that.

You can best believe that if I found out my H was having a love affair behind my back, and in my house and involving my kids I'd DEFINITELY hire a lawyer and go nuclear on him.  I really hate how the wives get demonized in these threads.  You mention she's older (not sure why that matters), has never worked, and just enjoys his money.  You don't know that!  She might have put him through medical school, she could be a terrific mom and homemaker, what he is telling you about their being roommates is standard MM speak.  

 

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

I really hate how the wives get demonized in these threads.  You mention she's older (not sure why that matters), has never worked, and just enjoys his money.  You don't know that!  She might have put him through medical school, she could be a terrific mom and homemaker, what he is telling you about their being roommates is standard MM speak.  

It is so frustrating how it is always the bad wife story that just enjoys the money. I was blamed for this, too, by the OW. I was there for the lifestyle and created me to be this woman who sat around doing nothing while hiring cleaners, nannys, and shopped all day. When I asked how she came to these conclusions, she just formed these opinions by little pieces of info from my ex husband. What he said wasn't a lie... I did have someone who came over every other week to do the deep cleaning while I spent the 6 hours a day in the car transporting kids to and from schools and practices (but far from a maid who came all the time to clean after us). I also did have someone who came and babysit my kids while I traveled with my husband every few months on his business travels (because it was the only way to get quality time together since he traveled so much and still very much far from the image she created of a nanny who watched my kids daily... it was a sitter only when I was gone with him). He also once told her about a clothing item that we went shopping for and the price. Truth is, I never went shopping but we were going on a business trip with an even that required a formal dress. That dress was relatively pricy (but not an every day/week/month purchase.)

Fact was I begged my husband to cut back on work and travel. And if that meant a different job with substantial less amount of income, I was more than willing to make those sacrifices. But it is quite easy to draw conclusions based on tiny bits of info. Especially when the husband is cheating. Somehow people tend the think that the wife must be horrible to cause this inexcusable behavior instead that the husband might be the problem. 

[kaylasummer]

5 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I am really sorry that you are in pain. You had one of the stories that might have made it.

I don't understand how he went back to his wife if he already decided it was bad enough to leave it. Though, I have seen it happen many times before. I don't know how his wife could have taken him back.

As for his wife threatening him? That really is not a threat. It is how divorce works. If a woman has stayed home to raise the family/kids, she has been taken out of the work force and lost wages.  Depending on the length of time she has been out of the work force and her earning potential now, she would always get alimony. AND That is how it should be. Especially in the case where the husband does something that breaks the marriage bond/family. She is not the bad guy here (and I'm not saying anyone needs to be the bad guy, but it certainly is not her). As for as turning the kids against him, I have one child that does not speak to her dad at all. I have tried my hardest to repair that relationship between the two of them, but she is not budging. The other kids tolerate him. But prior to his affair and our subsequent divorce, they all thought he hung the moon. His affair shattered that illusion. And I have made it quite clear to them that their dad did not abandoned them. That it was ME who decided that I could not live with the betrayal. I divorced him, not the other way around. However, had he actually left me for his OW, I think it would be 1,000 times worse. 

What was it that made you feel that you needed to end it? Was it just the guilt? Is there more to this story?  It seems you got exactly what you wanted and still want. 

It was the guilt. I saw what it did to his wife. I saw what his kids were and would have to go through. I saw what it was doing to him. I couldn’t live with that. I could not and would not be the reason for all of this. So I broke my own heart and left.
 

Edited to add: he didn’t know I was in love with him. He had told me, but I couldn’t say it over the two years.. possibly in fear of being vulnerable. He knew I was in to him, but had no idea it was to that extent. Our mutual friends encouraged me to tell him throughout. They were convinced that would have changed everything as they knew he felt the same. Could things have been different had I said ILY? I’ll never know and that kills me as well. 

Edited November 29, 2021 by kaylasummer

[Allupinnit]

THAT and the fact is that couples make financial decisions all the time that benefit THE FAMILY, not just the lazy, entitled wife.  

It probably made financial sense for her to stay home if her H is working as a successful doctor.

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

It was the guilt. I saw what it did to his wife. I saw what his kids were and would have to go through. I saw what it was doing to him. I couldn’t live with that. I could not and would not be the reason for all of this. So I broke my own heart and left. 

I'm so sorry. Affairs are indeed devastating to all parties. 

I believe the OW in my case, in some weird ways, still deals with guilt. There have been times when I wanted to reach out to her and let her off the hook. But she has harassed me a lot, though it has been about 6 months since I have gotten a text or message.... but she did me a huge favor. I never knew how unhappy I was. I would have never walked away from my marriage. I do not suffer from many physical aliments that I did while marriage. All because of the stress he put on me. Crazy how that is. Not surprising that a man who could cause me so much stress to have physical side effects would also be cheating. 

So do not beat yourself up over it. Maybe she will see the light, too. And maybe one day, like me, she will ditch him and find someone who appreciates her and respects her. (I'm recently engaged to be married... and happier than I ever was). 

[Starswillshine]

5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

THAT and the fact is that couples make financial decisions all the time that benefit THE FAMILY, not just the lazy, entitled wife.  

It probably made financial sense for her to stay home if her H is working as a successful doctor.

My husband did not want me to work. When I went back to work because I couldn't handle being a SAHM, he HATED it. Because it meant shared duties at home. He begged me daily to quit.... it suited him quite well to be the working man and keeping his wife home. Also gave him all the power. 

[kaylasummer]

Yes, it was the guilt. I saw how it hurt his wife, how it was impacting his kids, what it was doing to him. I could not and would not be the one responsible for breaking up a family.. not like this!!

It hurts that he didn’t know my true feelings for him. I could not bring myself to say ILY over the two years out of fear of being vulnerable maybe. Our mutual friends tried convincing me to tell him, knowing he felt the same. He had told me. I couldn’t say it. I often wonder if things might have turned out differently had I told him before all of this. I’ll never know and he’ll never know how I truly felt about him and that’s an awful feeling. 

Edited November 29, 2021 by kaylasummer

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

 He was "the one" and I can't imagine finding that kind of love again ...Please help me stay strong

Fortunately there can be more than one "the one's" in life. Once your brain has fully processed/recovered from all this, you'll be able to reconnect with someone else. This kind of "closure" comes from within eventually although it will probably take longer than you'd like. You'll get there, though.

Your xH was "the one" at one time in your life. A new person may not feel quite as "exciting" as the xAP because of the lack of taboo involved, BUT a normal, fully functional relationship can be great and so a new person might well end up being "the one" who you stick with later in life.

I'd suggest you keep your friends. Morals vary and the last thing anyone needs is a "friend" who crams their own down your throat. For example, I have no problem with vegans, but one who feels the need to give me a hard time about having salmon steak for dinner due to the (perceived) ethics of it isn't going to stay my friend for long. Who needs that garbage.

Edited November 29, 2021 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

THAT and the fact is that couples make financial decisions all the time that benefit THE FAMILY, not just the lazy, entitled wife.  

It probably made financial sense for her to stay home if her H is working as a successful doctor.

I have a friend who gave up her career to be a stay at home mother. Her husband is a physician and he is simply not available to pick the kids up, drive them to sports practices, even attend all their games. She does all the housework, all the grocery shopping, all the cooking (his job is the dishes). She even clears the snow and mows the lawn…She is home with the kids when they are sick. Her husband is a really devoted father but he is not flexible or available for many things because his career is so demanding. The fact that she has to pickup the slack because of his long hours and lack of flexibility was actually a source of great resentment for her. To anyone looking at their life, it looks wonderful. they live in a beautiful new home, they have wonderful holidays every year, life is very comfortable for them financially… What they don’t understand is that she has sacrificed a great deal of her own life for her husband and their children. It was the decision that THEY made for their family. She is only now starting to work again - but her work is limited and very flexible because it’s the only way their family can function with the number of hours her husband works and the kids activities. 

Edited November 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

It hurts that he didn’t know my true feelings for him. I could not bring myself to say ILY over the two years out of fear of being vulnerable maybe. 

So are you saying he actually left his wife and came to be with you but you couldn't tell him ILY out of fear of being vulnerable?  So you told him to go back to his wife and kids?

[Starswillshine]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So are you saying he actually left his wife and came to be with you but you couldn't tell him ILY out of fear of being vulnerable?  So you told him to go back to his wife and kids?

Yeah this is confusing. 

He left his wife for OP/OW.... but now she wonders if she told him ILY before, it would make a difference? 

I thought she broke it off with him? 

[stillafool]

57 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

t was the guilt. I saw what it did to his wife. I saw what his kids were and would have to go through. I saw what it was doing to him. I couldn’t live with that. I could not and would not be the reason for all of this. So I broke my own heart and left.

Left from where?  Did you and  MM living together after he left his wife ?

[kaylasummer]

I’m saying I wonder if it could have been different earlier on had I told him ILY during the two years. He didn’t need to know when I left. To make it easier on him, I “acted” very uncaring” when I left. I didn’t let his ILYs phase me (I pretended not to let it phase me). It was a disaster at that point, the guilt was killing me, and all I knew was that I needed to make it right and walk away. I guess it doesn’t matter either way. It is what it is and I have to accept he’s with his family now.

Edited to add: left him at his cabin and left my job. 

Edited November 29, 2021 by kaylasummer

[FMW]

As long as you see yourself as being self-sacrificing in letting him go because you didn't want to break up his family, you're not going to get past this.  Those thoughts along with wondering if things would have been different if you had told him you loved him are going to keep you stuck.  You've got the picture of a tragic love story in your head and heart.  Nothing and no one else will ever measure up to that picture for sure. 

When we are really in love the other person knows it.  It's in the way we look at them, touch them, pay attention to them.  I doubt that you hid your true feelings as well as you think you did.

No one but he and his wife know the whole story of their marriage, including whether he actually left her or if she told him out, at least temporarily.  It will be helpful to you in moving past this if you will give some consideration that the story you have in your head and all the details you feel certain you know are likely not exactly what really happened.   

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, kaylasummer said:

Edited to add: left him at his cabin and left my job. 

So he didn't actually leave his wife and family.  All of this took place during a visit to MM's cabin where the two of you vacationed?

[kaylasummer]

It wasn't during a visit. He packed his things and had been staying there. This entire thing has destroyed me. I get it. I was probably in fantasy land thinking we would someday be together. I didn't expect it to happen like this. I didn't want anyone hurt. The guilt was unbearable. Walking away was also unbearable. Chances are he may have gone back when the dust settled eventually anyway. I'll never know. I feel bad enough everything and the way it went down.

It's a rollercoaster of emotions from missing him, to wondering "what if things were different" to "what if I had said ILY early on", to "what is he thinking", "does he ever think of me?" to "I hate him for destroying me" to "how did I get myself in to this situation?" to " is there still hope?" to "never again" I still deal with guilt and have thought about reaching out and apologizing to his wife. I've stopped myself every time. I'm the last person she probably wants to hear from. 

Edited November 30, 2021 by kaylasummer
spelling error

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

I’m saying I wonder if it could have been different earlier on had I told him ILY during the two years.

You say that you ended it because you understood the pain your relationship was causing his wife and his children. How would telling him that you loved him have affected or changed that in any way?

Had you said those three little words - the path to happiness would have been just as difficult, just as painful… because this is about more than the two of you alone. 

I think that you dwell on this because it’s part of the fantasy - had I said those words, he would know how I felt and we could have walked off into the sunset together and been a happy family. Not necessarily, in fact - not very likely. Certainly not in the way you envisioned it. Not when his decision affects other people the way that this affair affects his family.

It’s about more than you and him… this failed because you failed to realize that and consider the other people involved here.

Edited November 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

he didn’t know I was in love with him. He had told me, but I couldn’t say it over the two years.. possibly in fear of being vulnerable.

So you're saying per your thread title, "Affair with co worker, He left his wife"; that he left his wife for you even though you never told him you were in love with him?  I'm still trying to see exactly where he left his wife.  Staying 1-2 weeks for space at his vacation home is not exactly leaving his wife.  That is her home too that you were camping in.  Very disrespectful to his wife yet she's the bad one.

Edited November 30, 2021 by stillafool

[Myabee]

17 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

Yes, it was the guilt. I saw how it hurt his wife, how it was impacting his kids, what it was doing to him. I could not and would not be the one responsible for breaking up a family.. not like this!!

It hurts that he didn’t know my true feelings for him. I could not bring myself to say ILY over the two years out of fear of being vulnerable maybe. Our mutual friends tried convincing me to tell him, knowing he felt the same. He had told me. I couldn’t say it. I often wonder if things might have turned out differently had I told him before all of this. I’ll never know and he’ll never know how I truly felt about him and that’s an awful feeling. 

I'm confused? Are you still in contact with this MM? 

[stillafool]

OP can you answer this direct question:

Did MM actually leave his wife to be with you as stated in the title of this thread?

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

6 months here. I wish I could fast forward a year and get through this heartbreak. I don’t feel I can move on at this point. I’ve tried to date and think of xMM the entire time. I also left my marriage while in the EA, prior to our two year PA. 

You could see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.

Depression, especially protracted like this and using thrills to numb pain from divorce indicates some therapy would help you resolve many things from underlying issues, to the divorce to the affair.

[kaylasummer]

So the title should read “he left and went back”. I’m not sure I can edit it. He did actually leave, although it was after D day, so thinking rationally, that was probably his only option at the time. He also told his W he was in love with me.
 

His wife contacted me after a couple of weeks and begged me to walk away. She told me she couldn’t compete with me or what we had and that me removing myself was her only chance at getting her husband and their family back. I walked away and told him to work on his marriage/family.

He begged me to stay.. to go in to deal, he actually hugged me and wouldn’t let me go and when I tried to walk out the door he fell to the floor in front of the door saying ILY over and over, blocking the doorway as I left. I “acted” indifferent.
 

I can’t explain our connection.. so deep, best friends for a long time before PA, could joke/talk about anything, passionate, intense, out of this world connection.. everything in common too. I didn’t have that love/connection or anything in common with my ex and I don’t envision ever finding this again.