Affair with co worker; he left his wife and went back again

[Ha-ha]

4 minutes ago, kaylasummer said:

He begged me to stay.. to go in to deal, he actually hugged me and wouldn’t let me go and when I tried to walk out the door he fell to the floor in front of the door saying ILY over and over, blocking the doorway as I left. I “acted” indifferent.

Sorry OP and I say this in kindness. This is very romance movie-like. I am not saying it’s not real or whatever but if he loves you so much, why did he stay and choose the broken marriage? People get divorced every day despite the sacrifices and yet he chose not to.  
 

Please do not replay this 'tragic, star-crossed lovers, I-walk-away-for-his-happiness, I-sacrifice-myself-for-our-love love story movie scene' in your head to feel how great a love it was. Too much drama for a healthy relationship. 

[kaylasummer]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You could see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.

Depression, especially protracted like this and using thrills to numb pain from divorce indicates some therapy would help you resolve many things from underlying issues, to the divorce to the affair.

I’ve always been a positive person; I’ve never thought I could be depressed, although this situation has turned me in to an emotional wreck some days. My best friend is a family/couple therapist and she has been there throughout ss I have for her over the years. I have a great job, great kids, great parents/family, nice home, and a lot to be thankful for. I know.. I need to focus on that. Easier said than done sometimes.

[Ha-ha]

 .

Edited December 1, 2021 by Berlin

[kaylasummer]

2 minutes ago, Berlin said:

Sorry OP and I say this in kindness. This is very romance movie-like. I am not saying it’s not real or whatever but if he loves you so much, why did he stay and choose the broken marriage? People get divorced every day despite the sacrifices and yet he chose not to.  
 

Please do not replay this 'tragic, star-crossed lovers, I-walk-away-for-his-happiness, I-sacrifice-myself-for-our-love love story movie scene' in your head to feel how great a love it was. Too much drama for a healthy relationship. 

Not him at all but he actually did! It was like a romance novel. That’s why it was so hard to leave and act indifferent, just like I did when he called after. I had to act like I’m over it and doing well. 
 

My options were A) try to make it work with him and struggle with unbearable guilt it B) walk away and live unbearable heartbreak. 

[mark clemson]

38 minutes ago, Berlin said:

 if he loves you so much, why did he stay and choose the broken marriage? People get divorced every day despite the sacrifices and yet he chose not to. 

It sounds like it was essentially because OP told him to and refused to accept him.

C'est la vie.

[spiritedaway2003]

46 minutes ago, Berlin said:

Sorry OP and I say this in kindness. This is very romance movie-like. I am not saying it’s not real or whatever but if he loves you so much, why did he stay and choose the broken marriage? People get divorced every day despite the sacrifices and yet he chose not to.  
 

Please do not replay this 'tragic, star-crossed lovers, I-walk-away-for-his-happiness, I-sacrifice-myself-for-our-love love story movie scene' in your head to feel how great a love it was. Too much drama for a healthy relationship. 

This has been asked several time, so maybe it deserves an answer.  The reason most MM don't leave is because the practical matters often outweighs the ideals of love.  Family, finances, kids, the existing relationship with the spouse, commitment, responsibility, reputation are "real world" -- opposite of the "fantasy" spiel that an OW is often told.  In the case of the OP's, she already rejected him.  Why would her MM want to lose everything when she already told him that she doesn't want to be with him?  That is not a forward nor practical path for him. What would he be leaving for?  (That's a rhetorical question)

Edited December 1, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[DKT3]

Nah, married men don't leave because more often then not he is lying to the MW/OW.  And his marriage is exactly where he wants to be. Nothing really to do with logistics and kids..if true that makes a long term affair unlike to start with. 

Words are easy, actions are important and much harder.

Reading between the lines on this thread what I'm getting is a very glorified recount of events that in its totality does not make sense. 

Op talks of guilt but doesn't seem all that interested in how this has impacted her family.  

She seems more interested in convincing us that MM wanted her and it was that same guilt that had no problem blowing up her family that won't allow her to blow up his marriage...all after wishing for years that they could be together..no logic here at all. 

Edited December 1, 2021 by DKT3

[kaylasummer]

8 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Nah, married men don't leave because more often then not he is lying to the MW/OW.  And his marriage is exactly where he wants to be. Nothing really to do with logistics and kids..if true that makes a long term affair unlike to start with. 

Words are easy, actions are important and much harder.

Reading between the lines on this thread what I'm getting is a very glorified recount of events that in its totality does not make sense. 

Op talks of guilt but doesn't seem all that interested in how this has impacted her family.  

She seems more interested in convincing us that MM wanted her and it was that same guilt that had no problem blowing up her family that won't allow her to blow up his marriage...all after wishing for years that they could be together..no logic here at all. 

My marriage was basically over for years. My ex was an emotionally abusive cheating narcissist. My EA with MM just helped me finally get away from something I wanted to leave for years. I felt a lot of guilt for putting my kids through a D. They are my world, but I can't imagine still being stuck with my ex. Re-reading my posts, it isn't glorified. It was a struggle for me throughout the entire two year PA. I ended it multiple times because of the guilt and because it was extremely hard for me to be in love with someone to watch him return home to his wife for two years. Was I told lies about how unhappy he was with his W? Probably.

I thought he would be on board and agree its best I remove myself after D day. Yes, that would have hurt like hell.  However, his reaction is why I'm struggling. Maybe it was the real deal for him too. Maybe it wasn't. I can not get his reaction as I left out of my head. I thought I'd feel like the bigger person for leaving, but I feel defeated, empty, heartbroken, and every emotion in between. I thought this was a support group. 

[DKT3]

Same story different user name. My husband was terrible....yet I'm the proven cheater. 

My marriage was over for years, yet it wasn't until I started cheating could I leave. 

I did want to break up his marriage,  yet I wished and hoped we would have a future. 

Its all illogical and romanticized.  Once in a lifetime love, connection like no other yet he could manage to find a divorce attorney. 

This is repeated over and over day after day month after month. 

Some posts back Mark pretty much sums up your relationship with MM. Taboo. The excitement of another woman's husband gave the relationship an element of competition that forced you to give more. Caused you to put more weight on his words over his actions.

Unfortunately,  its only after you've ruined relationships in your life that you figure it out.

[mark clemson]

^^ well, as much as I appreciate the positive call out, the xBS isn't always a kindly, positive, non-problematic figure. Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't. Some fair % of OM/OW posters seem quite unhappy.

And some folks seem to prefer staying in a bad (or at least unsatisfying to them) relationship to being alone or at least need to "test the waters" via an affair in order to gain the confidence they need to leave. Some - definitely agree that's by no means always the case. 

I also agree that it's not really a "once-in-a-lifetime love". Maybe just feels that way at the time.

Overall though I (at least) think it makes sense to not assume that OP is making up her unhappiness with her xH just because she decided to have an affair before she left. There's no real reason (IMO) not to take her at her word on this. Whether he's really that bad is a fair question, but I'd take her unhappiness with her marriage to be genuine - there's no real reason not to believe that, especially when she actually left. He did cheat on her, so that is one item.

Edited December 1, 2021 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Berlin said:

 Too much drama for a healthy relationship. 

^^  this also likely = true, IMO.  From what I have read, the "high emotion" relationships have a tendency to burn themselves out. The "high" of new love fades and whatever dysfunction/incompatibilities it may have been coating then are clear. If they can't be addressed, the relationship won't work long term. That can happen with most R's, not just affairs.

[spiritedaway2003]

If you are new to the site, I'd suggest that you try to find support in a safer environment than this space. While I think most mean well, sometimes other's projections come through in a way that minimizes your own experiences.   

I'd offer you a couple of advice on those areas you are struggling with:

• Infidelity is the gift that keeps giving, sadly, on all sides.  You can't put a timeline on when it will all stop hurting.  Recognize that and take care of your mental and emotional health.
• Despite well meaning advice to focusing on other hobbies and interests, I'd advise against it and instead focus on working through the issues that's holding you stuck (your guilt, your regrets of never told him how you felt).  If you are struggling after all these months, then you'd already know that other interests only serves to distract you.  Some days, that might be enough.  Other days, it won't do a thing.  Invest in good, professional help to work through your conflicts. There is a reason why many are still dealing with residual issues months and years after discovery - dealing with matters of the heart is difficult.  Work on finding as much closure as you can so you don't take unhealthy habits into your future relationships.
• Regret of what might have been could be eating at you, but in the long term, I think you will feel better knowing that you left doing what you thought was right, even after what was already wrong. It's trying to "right the ship" but to some, that's too little too late.  Here's an observation for you: the reason why guilt doesn't go away easily is because you know you can't put back what's been out of the bottle. 
• On the connection:  They are in fact very rare, and often two people know it when they both experienced it.  That's not to say that there is only one connection for each person.  It's just that when you experience a rare connection, you appreciate it that much more.  The fact that there are 7 or 8 million on this earth isn't indicative of much of anything either -- there are people in the world who are unlucky in love and never get married.  It happens.  Is your MM the only guy for you?  Yes, he will be so long as you couldn't let him go.  At some point, you will need to make an active decision and roll the dice and see if you are lucky enough to find another different but meaningful connection.  It's just one of those things that no one can say for certain. 
• At the end of the day, actions do speak louder than words.  From his vantage point, you didn't care about him and left (those were your actions).  He's going to think he made a mistake in falling for you or that you never really cared about him.  I don't personally get it, but you see this all the time on the OW/OM board.  It is what it is.  If he chooses not to leave his marriage, that's all you need to know.
• NC is hard. Some days you will feel better. Other days, you will feel so much worse.  Keep at it. One day at a time.
• Keep working through these conflicts.  They are your best path forward.

Good luck.

Edited December 1, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[kaylasummer]

5 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

If you are new to the site, I'd suggest that you try to find support in a safer environment than this space. While I think most mean well, sometimes other's projections come through in a way that minimizes your own experiences.   

I'd offer you a couple of advice on those areas you are struggling with:

• Infidelity is the gift that keeps giving, sadly, on all sides.  You can't put a timeline on when it will all stop hurting.  Recognize that and take care of your mental and emotional health.
• Despite well meaning advice to focusing on other hobbies and interests, I'd advise against it and instead focus on working through the issues that's holding you stuck (your guilt, your regrets of never told him how you felt).  If you are struggling after all these months, then you'd already know that other interests only serves to distract you.  Some days, that might be enough.  Other days, it won't do a thing.  Invest in good, professional help to work through your conflicts. There is a reason why many are still dealing with residual issues months and years after discovery - dealing with matters of the heart is difficult.  Work on finding as much closure as you can so you don't take unhealthy habits into your future relationships.
• Regret of what might have been could be eating at you, but in the long term, I think you will feel better knowing that you left doing what you thought was right, even after what was already wrong. It's trying to "right the ship" but to some, that's too little too late.  Here's an observation for you: the reason why guilt doesn't go away easily is because you know you can't put back what's been out of the bottle. 
• On the connection:  They are in fact very rare, and often two people know it when they both experienced it.  That's not to say that there is only one connection for each person.  It's just that when you experience a rare connection, you appreciate it that much more.  The fact that there are 7 or 8 million on this earth isn't indicative of much of anything either -- there are people in the world who are unlucky in love and never got married.  It happens.  If your MM the only guy for you?  Yes, he will be so long as you couldn't let him go.  At some point, you will need to make an active decision and roll the dice and see if you are lucky enough to find a connection with a single guy. It's just one of those things that no one can say for certain. 
• At the end of the day, actions do speak louder than words.  From his vantage point, you didn't care about him and left (those were your actions).  He's going to think he made a mistake in falling for you or that you never really cared about him.  I don't personally get it, but you see this all the time on the OW/OM board.  It is what it is.  If he chooses not to leave his marriage, that's all you need to know.
• NC is hard. Some days you will feel better. Other days, you will feel so much worse.  Keep at it. One day at a time.
• Keep working through these conflicts.  They are your best path forward.

Good luck.

Thank you.

[Milly May June]

Reading between the lines of what you wrote it looks like you are trying hard to paint a picture of a tragic romance. A story line in which your hero really loved you and begged you to stay with him but you being the martyr sent him back to do 'the right thing'. And your friends, who were all rooting for both of you, are telling you how misreble he really is. And now both of you will suffer for the rest of your life, always look back fondly and painfully on the great love that was not meant to be. Unrequeted love. 

I wonder how much of this is true and how much you have made up to change the real narrative because you are hurt a MM has chosen his wife and family over you?

[Starswillshine]

I. Still confused as to why there is so much wonder if things would have been different if you had shared ILY with him sooner. 

The way you write it, he left his wife for you, and you sent him back home. So if all of this is exactly how you stated, what purpose would it have served had you told him you loved him earlier? Another twist in the knife? 

You wanted him to work on his marriage because you can't deal with the guilt, yet you are hurt he is working on his marriage? 

[Ha-ha]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds like it was essentially because OP told him to and refused to accept him.

C'est la vie.

Still, as an adult man without gun to his head MM can CHOOSE to realize during this very dramatic scene, that it was impossible to stay in the marriage and LEAVE.  
 

but apparently, without OP waiting on the wing, working on his issues to be a healthy single man fit for the OP, it’s safer, more comfortable to stay at home.   I can see how heartbreaking it is for the OP

Edited December 1, 2021 by Berlin

[Ha-ha]

4 hours ago, Milly May June said:

Reading between the lines of what you wrote it looks like you are trying hard to paint a picture of a tragic romance. A story line in which your hero really loved you and begged you to stay with him but you being the martyr sent him back to do 'the right thing'. And your friends, who were all rooting for both of you, are telling you how misreble he really is. And now both of you will suffer for the rest of your life, always look back fondly and painfully on the great love that was not meant to be. Unrequeted love. 

I wonder how much of this is true and how much you have made up to change the real narrative because you are hurt a MM has chosen his wife and family over you?

^^^^^ THIS! 

[kaylasummer]

5 hours ago, Milly May June said:

Reading between the lines of what you wrote it looks like you are trying hard to paint a picture of a tragic romance. A story line in which your hero really loved you and begged you to stay with him but you being the martyr sent him back to do 'the right thing'. And your friends, who were all rooting for both of you, are telling you how misreble he really is. And now both of you will suffer for the rest of your life, always look back fondly and painfully on the great love that was not meant to be. Unrequeted love. 

I wonder how much of this is true and how much you have made up to change the real narrative because you are hurt a MM has chosen his wife and family over you?

After Dday, my options were: 

A) try to make it work with MM, struggle with unbearable guilt, and watch as he potentially loses his kids and taken through the ringer. He may have resented me for it someday as well. 

B) walk away and live with unbearable heartbreak. 

Yes I’m hurt he went back! Both options absolutely suck. It also sucks to hear he isn’t doing well. He did ask during the one phone call I took if he could see me, said he misses me, and if nothing else, we could remain friends and hang out together. My answer was immediately no. That would put me right back to where we were. I want to get over him which is why I I requested NC. There’s just a lot of missing him and what  if’s right now. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

 My best friend is a family/couple therapist and she has been there throughout ss I have for her over the years.

Confiding in a friend does not replace an evaluation from a physician for your physical and mental health, nor does it diagnose depression, anxiety or protracted guilt, ruminating and other issues.

Confiding in a friend also does not replace a qualified therapist for ongoing support and constructive help with replacing self defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive healthy thinking and actions.

On the outside, you have a nice house, kids, family, job, etc. On the inside you're living through your own personal hell until you get the help you need to change the course of things.

[Ha-ha]

1 hour ago, kaylasummer said:

I want to get over him which is why I I requested NC. There’s just a lot of missing him and what  if’s right now. 

Sounds like you’re on the right path. My suggestion to you earlier was to reframe the harlequin-style images into so something  more grounded so that you can see it for what it is. Hopefully when you’re there, the pain eases and you move forward. 

i wish you well. 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Berlin said:

Still, as an adult man without gun to his head...

Yep, I think that's an accurate statement. 

I think it's actually reasonably common that people choose to stay in bad or mediocre marriages rather than be alone (and/or with no one to monkeybranch to in some cases).

The flip side is of course that if you're the type to head for the door as soon as you hit a rough patch you'll never be in a lasting marriage either. So there has to be balance. If genuine unhappiness becomes LT and can't be resolved, THAT is when it's really a problem. However, I suspect even with that some % of people simply prefer a bad partner to being alone.

[kaylasummer]

12 hours ago, Milly May June said:

Reading between the lines of what you wrote it looks like you are trying hard to paint a picture of a tragic romance. A story line in which your hero really loved you and begged you to stay with him but you being the martyr sent him back to do 'the right thing'. And your friends, who were all rooting for both of you, are telling you how misreble he really is. And now both of you will suffer for the rest of your life, always look back fondly and painfully on the great love that was not meant to be. Unrequeted love. 

I wonder how much of this is true and how much you have made up to change the real narrative because you are hurt a MM has chosen his wife and family over you?

After Dday, my options were: 

A) try to make it work with MM, struggle with unbearable guilt, and watch as he potentially loses his kids and taken through the ringer. He may have resented me for it someday as well. 

B) walk away and live with unbearable heartbreak. 

Yes I’m hurt he went back! Both options absolutely suck. It also sucks to hear he isn’t doing well. He did ask during the one phone call I took if he could see me, said he misses me, and if nothing else, we could remain friends and hang out together. My answer was immediately no. That would put me right back to where we were. I want to get over him which is why I I requested NC. There’s just a lot of missing him and what  if’s right now. 

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, kaylasummer said:

Not him at all but he actually did! It was like a romance novel. That’s why it was so hard to leave and act indifferent, just like I did when he called after. I had to act like I’m over it and doing well. 
 

My options were A) try to make it work with him and struggle with unbearable guilt it B) walk away and live unbearable heartbreak. 

Okay, but why if MM had decided his wife wasn't right for him did he go back instead of getting his own place and filing for divorce?  With or without you he still didn't want his wife.  So why would he go back?  It couldn't be for the kids and to save money because if he was going to leave for you before he already knew he would have to take a loss in those areas.  So I ask you WHY DID HE GO BACK TO HIS WIFE?

[kaylasummer]

So our couple friends invited me to a holiday party at their public facility on the lake this Friday evening and reached out to me just now on whether I’m planning to attend. I’ve stayed away from there; that’s where we had our first dance and a million other memories which may be triggering. I know MM frequents this facility and the three of them hang out often. I’m told he hasn’t rsvp’d and they don’t anticipate he will be there. I want to get out and socialize, but can’t imagine facing him. We live in a small community so it’s bound to happen sooner or later. I haven’t responded.

[kaylasummer]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Okay, but why if MM had decided his wife wasn't right for him did he go back instead of getting his own place and filing for divorce?  With or without you he still didn't want his wife.  So why would he go back?  It couldn't be for the kids and to save money because if he was going to leave for you before he already knew he would have to take a loss in those areas.  So I ask you WHY DID HE GO BACK TO HIS WIFE?

True. Maybe he wasn’t ready or hadn’t planned to leave until Dday. I do know he told her he was in love with me. She told me which is why she asked that I walk away as that was her only hope at reconciling. It hurt hearing that because I felt the same.. I didn’t tell her that. Regardless, he’s back with his family… and that’s extremely tough to come to terms with.