Selfish or Selfless

[Luckyworld]

Hey guys, 

Im at a lost of what to do, and no one around me seems to be able to help. For the past six years I was in a relationship with a man I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. However, there have been moments where I have been unfaithful. It was a mistake, they all were. He never found out about them and we broke up not too long ago for separate reasons. We were close as exs stating that we wouldn’t be like others, and could be friends in the end. We had been separated for three months, at this time an old roommate of mine took it upon herself to reveal some of what I’ve done to my ex. I’m not sure how much of it he believes but he decided that he would cut me out of his life for good. I know that I’m a liar and a cheater and I know I’m a horrible person, but I miss him terribly and I want to make it up to him. I know I can’t have him again as a boyfriend but I really miss my best friend. He’s the only person I feel close enough to be real with. He says he needs space, that he can’t talk to me. But I’m going crazy with guilt and I can’t go through the day without thinking of him. Is it  closure that I need, is there a way I can try to fix us by apologizing, or how can I learn to let it go? I’m willing to do anything even clear the air between us if that’s what will help, but I’m not sure at the end of the day if it’s for me or for us or him. What should I do?

Edited November 29, 2021 by Luckyworld
Typos

[stillafool]

Are you a man or a woman?

Best friends don't lie and cheat on each other.  For me the best way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior.  If your friend feels the same they will never really trust you.  It's nearly impossible to have a happy relationship without trust.  I hope you do better in the future..

[FMW]

What you wrote is all about you and what you want and how you feel.  Unless he specifically asks you for explanations or he is the one who wants to talk about it, leave him alone.  Maintaining a relationshion with  someone who has lied to and betrayed you, whether a romantic partner or a platonic friend, is very often just not possible.  You don't always get second chances.  

 

Edited November 29, 2021 by FMW

[Motupatalu]

I can share how my friend felt when cheated. She was in a relationship with a guy whom we all thought including her parents that he would be a good husband because of his good gestures and sensible talks. The red flags of immaturity shown by fighting unnecessarily was ignored. They got married. After he kept warning her that he would leave her for his mother. His mother is only mother. Their her Mil was harassing her and blaming her with all lies. He always supported his mom. She felt heart broken. Felt used and cheated. She became a puppet. She never anything with anyone. Her husband used immediately go to his mom and share what she said and there used to be big fight. Very much to this : [] she found. This truth was worst than cheated for her. There's mental disorder in the house she is in living who trying to prove she is the wrong one.

Then she separated after. Don't know whether patch up or not but came to know that he wishes to get her back but couldn't since he wants his mom to agree.

So seeing a different face of a person in an unexpected situation or way not only shocks them but breaks every trust and opinion they have. They will more hurt than you right now. You better keep your patience then so that when things settle down you can explain about yourself.

Edited December 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted spam link

[ShyViolet]

The truth is that he doesn't owe you a second chance.  If he has decided to cut you out of his life, then that's his choice and it's really not up to you anymore.  If you care about him then the best thing you can do is respect his decision and stop making this all about what YOU want.

[glows]

I'm curious if you know the reasons for the lies and cheating? Are you going to therapy or have you considered this? Was the relationship dysfunctional or abusive with your ex? Have you lied and cheated with other exes? 

This is going to repeat if you're not sure about why you were lying or cheating. 

Staying in touch is the least of your worries and so is losing that "best friend". Best friends don't betray one another like that. I think your idea of relationships and best friends may be a little upside down and I'd be very curious why or what happened along the way.

[chillii]

How would you expect him to respect you or want to stay in touch with everything you'd done behind his back , for 6yrs ? And it sounds like there was a lot l can see between the lines everything your not saying that went on. How would you expect to be treated when he found out?

He'd be finding out more since to, and putting two and two together . Can you even fathom the way he'd be feeling so nope, l don't expect he'll ever be wanting to know you again , sometimes we only get to live with what we've done.

 

Edited November 29, 2021 by chillii

[Luckyworld]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

Are you a man or a woman?

Best friends don't lie and cheat on each other.  For me the best way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior.  If your friend feels the same they will never really trust you.  It's nearly impossible to have a happy relationship without trust.  I hope you do better in the future..

A woman, I am bettering myself so that I will never make this mistake again. 

1 hour ago, glows said:

I'm curious if you know the reasons for the lies and cheating? Are you going to therapy or have you considered this? Was the relationship dysfunctional or abusive with your ex? Have you lied and cheated with other exes? 

This is going to repeat if you're not sure about why you were lying or cheating. 

Staying in touch is the least of your worries and so is losing that "best friend". Best friends don't betray one another like that. I think your idea of relationships and best friends may be a little upside down and I'd be very curious why or what happened along the way.

I wouldn’t categorize my actions as “reasons,” but to give an honest answer is that I wasn’t satisfied in my relationship. I wasn’t at being recognized as being part of the relationship like I needed to be. And in hindsight of course I should of known better and worked it out differently, but I can’t change the past and I have to live with my mistake. I’m considering therapy and looking into a few places. I don’t want to be selfish and trying to respect boundaries but I can’t move forward. 

Edited November 29, 2021 by Luckyworld

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, Luckyworld said:

at this time an old roommate of mine took it upon herself to reveal some of what I’ve done to my ex. I

Yes sometimes your friends will let you down too- (trying to be the do gooders)

Yet as someone else said there life does not always give you second chances,

Its unlikely your guy will speak to you again,

For what its worth I sympathise, feel your pain in a way- 

but for many people its hard to forgive- you have to live with it now, try to be more loyal next time and move on.

[glows]

6 hours ago, Luckyworld said:

A woman, I am bettering myself so that I will never make this mistake again. 

I wouldn’t categorize my actions as “reasons,” but to give an honest answer is that I wasn’t satisfied in my relationship. I wasn’t at being recognized as being part of the relationship like I needed to be. And in hindsight of course I should of known better and worked it out differently, but I can’t change the past and I have to live with my mistake. I’m considering therapy and looking into a few places. I don’t want to be selfish and trying to respect boundaries but I can’t move forward. 

Moving forward doesn't happen in an instant or with ease. It's hard and some days it feels like you're moving backwards instead of forwards but you just have to keep trying. You say that you weren't happy in the relationship, weren't satisfied or being recognized. Why then hold on to a warped sense of  friendship with someone you felt invisible with in the first place? The relationship is over so let it be over. Start fresh without hanging on to the past.

If the other person doesn't want to speak with you, it's best to respect that. Keep your chin up. Don't beg for someone else's attention especially where you weren't happy to start.