Toxic partner or is it me?

[LotusAvx]

I am having trouble deciphering if I am in a toxic relationship or not. I have always had difficulties trusting my judgement due to very low self esteem. He tells me I am being the abusive partner, but my gut tells me that he is wearing me down so I won't leave and I really want to leave but am having trouble doing so.

Backstory: met in June, dated until end of July when he physically abused me and hid my keys so I wouldn't leave. I blocked him and did not see him until two weeks later when he got in touch with me through e-mail and I responded and went back. We broke up again and didn't speak for a month until he called me from a blocked number and I stupidly answered. Since then, we have been on and off again and fighting a lot. 

I know he has a lot of mental health issues so I don't want to dismiss him, but his behavior is getting out of hand. He is constantly mad at me for something it seems. I cannot talk about anything from my past with out him relating it to a past boyfriend. I cannot show him anything without him getting into a bad mood because he thinks someone else showed it to me. When I am with him, I am upset and anxious because of how moody he gets. I feel like I am walking on egg shells and I tell myself I am never going to go back again. 

He claims that I am gaslighting him for getting mad a his behavior. The other day he was so angry he screamed on the phone about how he is going to come to my workplace and beat me up. I am terrified to see him again after that threat even though he apologized, I keep telling him I do not want to see him but he won't take no for an answer. I feel like the fights about jealousy wear me down and much that I mentally shut down. I don't think that I am innocent to all problems we have had, but I don't think I am being nearly as abusive as he is. 

Whenever I tell him I do not want to continue, he whines and cries and says the sweetest things to me. I want to just end it completely and block him on everything but I don't trust my judgement enough and am questioning my decision due to my extreme low self esteem. I am really second guessing myself, and I want to believe there is a better partner out there for me but I am finding this so difficult to end, almost like it is an addiction. I need some advice on how to end it, should I just block him and change my number? How do I get over the feeling that I am making a mistake? 

Edited November 29, 2021 by LotusAvx

[Alpacalia]

Your judgement is correct so no need to second guess yourself.

He is toxic.

I "suspect" based on what you wrote that he may possibly struggle with retroactive jealousy.

Are you familiar with the term?

Yes, you need to block him.

 

[Sun Seeker]

1000% you need to end things for good, block him everywhere and never go back.

If he continues to harass you then call the police.

[glows]

16 minutes ago, LotusAvx said:

I know he has a lot of mental health issues so I don't want to dismiss him

I was trying to get to the heart of why you have difficulties walking away and it may boil down to this. You are not the one to help with mental health issues. He needs someone else to help him, his doctor and professionals, if it's as abusive as you describe. Hitting you or preventing you from leaving and manipulating you are all abusive. 

I think you need to get to the bottom of why you let in or are drawn to individuals like this because if it is not him, it will be someone else beating or hitting you or emotionally manipulating you. Your first line of defense is always you and you owe that to yourself. Stay safe please. 

[ShyViolet]

Yes he's completely abusive and you need to end this immediately.  If he "won't take no for an answer" then you need to call the police and get a restraining order.  

[ExpatInItaly]

This man is dangerous. 

Full stop. 

You need to get away from him and cut all contact immediately. I would be very concerned that he will make good on his threat and show up at your workplace looking for you. It is often said that the most dangerous time for an abuse victim is when they end the relationship, so please, take appropriate precautions. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LotusAvx said:

met in June, dated until end of July when he physically abused me and hid my keys so I wouldn't leave.

You know it's an abusive relationship. You need to seek out counseling to deal with extricating yourself. There are domestic violence hotlines. There are private doctors, therapist, law enforcement, restraining orders and a great deal you can do to help yourself.

 Is this the same man?:

 

[LotusAvx]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You know it's an abusive relationship. You need to seek out counseling to deal with extricating yourself. There are domestic violence hotlines. There are private doctors, therapist, law enforcement, restraining orders and a great deal you can do to help yourself.

 Is this the same man?:

yes it is

 

[Lauriebell82]

Yes he is very abusive and controlling. Abusers often confuse their victims by turning things around on them to manipulate and confuse them and to lower their self esteem. Also to make them second guess themself...you know similar to what you are doing. You aren't sure he is even abusive because he is so controlling. The smartest thing to do if you have trouble leaving this situation is to contact a local domestic violence center. They have free counselors who can provide you with phone sessions that are actually very empowering! I got help for my narcissistic ex husband (who I still have to share custody with) and it was incredibly helpful. While I knew he was abusive, I needed to know how to set better boundaries and separate myself from him. It worked really well! You can do this. You are WORTH IT!!! 

[Akashsingh]

You need a restraining order immediately and serve on him.