Is this a sign we should try again?

[Sukitabi]

Hello. I’m going to try to make my first post here as succinct as possible, but it might get long. 
 

It’s sort of difficult for me to know where to start but I just want to share and maybe vent and get some feedback.

My husband and I have been divorced for 3 years. We have a 10 year old son who is the light of both of our lives. We split custody and there’s never been any issues there. 

When our son was around 5 years old we decided to have another baby. We always wanted a house full of kids but we were young and just getting started in our careers when our son was born which is why we waited 5 years to add any more. I got pregnant again very quickly but ended up miscarrying. I had 4 more miscarriages, one of which was pretty far into the pregnancy, over a 2 year period. Eventually I didn’t want to try anymore because I couldn’t go through that again. I became depressed and admittedly didn’t seek help to deal with it. I shut my husband out emotionally and physically. I didn’t want to have sex anymore, even using birth control, because I didn’t want to risk getting pregnant again. It also just reminded me of what I seemed unable to give my husband. So I avoided sex as much as I could and I just became cold in every way. Prior to this, we had an active, enjoyable sex life. I would say that physical touch is his main love language as far as how he likes to be shown love and affection. I wasn’t giving him any of that and it was completely my fault. He tried to get through to me but eventually he gave up. I can’t blame him. It must have been horrible being married to me during that time. 
 

Eventually, he slept with someone else. It’s not really something he’s proud of. I don’t necessarily blame myself for it these days but I also understand and I’m not mad at him about it anymore. I was a horrible wife the last 1-2 years of our marriage. So we got divorced. We decided it was the best option for both of us. 
 

I’ve regretted the decision to divorce so many times. I have worked on my issues and I’m a happier, healthier person now. I hate myself for doing what I did to my ex husband and to our child. I can’t believe I let it get to the point where we both felt divorce was the best option and that it would solve our problems.

Ive maintained feelings for him and had a lot of pain in my heart over what happened to our marriage but it’s nothing I ever discussed with him or tried to act on because I’ve always felt like I ruined everything and I can’t just take it back and try to go back to how things were. I made my bed and have to lie in it now.
 

Earlier this fall we were both in his cousin’s wedding. His cousin is one of my best friends, actually how we first were introduced. We slept together after the rehearsal dinner. There was no discussing it before hand. I think we both just acted on feelings and did it. I felt like I was setting myself up for more hurt so I just sort of pretended like it wasn’t a big deal. 

I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t on birth control because I wasn’t sleeping with anyone at the time. I’ve not been in any serious relationships since the divorce. I’ve hesitantly dated a little at the insistence of friends and family but nothing ever stuck. Probably because I’m too distracted by my feelings for my ex husband to give anyone else a chance. Anyway, I didn’t mean to get pregnant, but getting pregnant was always the easy part for me anyway. It was the maintaining a pregnancy that wasn’t my strong suit. I’m 16 weeks pregnant with twins. I was over having another baby and felt like I had healed from all of that trauma but now it feels like the biggest miracle. It’s only now that I’ve been able to get excited because I was convinced I would lose them  early on. 
 

My ex-husband is happy about it. Shocked but happy. He wants us to be together again. He’s trying to convince me to move back in with him. You’d think that’s what I would want but I feel so confused. I don’t feel like I deserve another chance with him. I’m also not sure we can just let all of the stuff from the past go - including how I acted and his cheating. I feel like this should be a sign but I’m scared I guess. Before I got pregnant I think this is the sort of thing I’d probably dream of happening so I’m confused as to why I’m hesitant about us being a real couple again. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

Go to couples counselling. Either way, whether you reconcile or co-parent you'll both need to reflect heal and move on.