What does 'we'll see' mean when I asked to work things out?

[Lovelorn_lady]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

fear of being alone

Bang! You hit the nail on the head! I’m turning 43 next week. I feel I’m too old to find real love. That’s why I’m trying to work things out with him. I feel I won’t find anyone again. I think it’s okay to want to settle down. Some people don’t want to be single.

[Alpacalia]

Because you felt ignored, you ended your relationship with him, OP.

You don't break up with a man to get him to spend more time with you.

You left your relationship with him because he did not prioritize you. Do you think that will change if you reignite your relationship?

You know you're not going to get what you want from him, which is his undivided attention and time.

Now you're acting like a fisherman who keeps capturing and releasing the same unfortunate fish.

Love him enough to let him go and believe what he says.

Edited December 1, 2021 by Alpaca

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Bang! You hit the nail on the head! I’m turning 43 next week. I feel I’m too old to find real love. That’s why I’m trying to work things out with him. I feel I won’t find anyone again. I think it’s okay to want to settle down. Some people don’t want to be single.

It's okay that you want to settle down. I'm 40, so I get it (and I met my current partner when he was already 47 years old)

The problem is that you can't settle down with someone who doesn't want to settle down with you. It's not a uilateral decision, and he's showing you that he isn't on the same page as you.

So you're currently passing by other opportunities for a man who likely will not be the one you settle down with anyway. 

[Carlon]

6 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

I guess you’re right. I can’t ignore that I broke up with him, although he was a jerk and was in my rights to do that. I respect he’s taking his time. He claims I didn’t hurt him much, but from the tone of his messages, he seems pretty hurt. Should I be patient and see what happens, or just move on? 

It's not that you broke up with him- that's your choice. But now you're paying for your impulsive reaction by dealing with his withdrawal which has resulted in you getting even less from him than you did before, and here you are wondering what he's thinking, trying to put meaning on the few words you get, and waiting for the next response from him.

If you had been satisfied with seeing him occasionally, more at his comfortable pace, and been more patient, things might have evolved, he might have come around in time as feelings developed and things could have worked out. But As a result of you breaking up with him "which is your right because he's a jerk" you have made the situation much worse, and things are probably not fixable.

You aren't forgiving, and you aren't especially nice. You broke it off because you didn't like the way you were being treated by a guy you refer to as a jerk, and now you want back in. You're all over the place, and clearly not in a stable place. You say that he can't see why all his relationships don't work out- and here you are, also single, but basically putting it all on him. Are all of your previous failed relationships the fault of the other person too?

Clinginess and instability is unattractive. Guys want to chase. They don't want to be told "I'm done with you because of how you acted" immediately followed by "I want to be with you but I respect your need for space and I'm here waiting for you whenever you might be ready to spend time with me" or words to that effect. No quicker way to chase a guy away than that. Except maybe to tell him your pregnant with another guys child.

What should you do? Well what you shouldn't do is wait around for his next communication. Take a lesson from this, don't be so impatient, even though you've got your insecurities, get a handle on them. "Fake it til you make it" sort of thing.

Edited December 1, 2021 by Carlon

[clia]

10 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

I am not sure how the whole situation was me being eager. He knows he messed up. Sometimes when we’re angry at someone as I was at him it gets in the way of our judgement. . Yesterday when he initially contacted me after I went a day and a half of not saying anything to him, I told him, “I wasn’t in touch because I was giving you some space.” Today I acknowledged that if he needed more time and space, I would give it to him and I’m totally respectful of that. Giving him space is not clingy. It’s not unusual to want to know a time and date to plan my time. I still haven’t gotten a response from him and it’s been five and half hours since I asked him when, and I’m worried now that I have pushed him away 

With all due respect, giving someone a day and a half is not giving them space.  Continuing to text them to tell them you respect their need for time and space is also not giving them space.  You have in no way given him space.  You've texted him multiple times.  There was no need to even explain why you hadn't been in touch for a day and a half.  A day and a half is nothing.  And then he throws you a breadcrumb and you jump up like an eager puppy and demand to know "when."  Yes, obviously you will ultimately need to  know "when" if he ever decides to follow up on seeing you "sometime," but you should've just said "okay, sure," and then stepped back, given him space, and then let him lead if and when he decides to do so.  If he truly wants to see you, he will tell you "when," and if you have plans already, then that's just too bad for him and he will have to pick another "when."  It's none of your concern until he actually tries to plan something and doesn't just feed you lines.  You should not be worrying about planning your schedule around him -- just go ahead and make your plans and live your life.   

On a final note...please stop texting him.  Just stop.  You are not compatible with him.  Go find someone who you are compatible with.

Edited December 1, 2021 by clia

[glows]

5 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Bang! You hit the nail on the head! I’m turning 43 next week. I feel I’m too old to find real love. That’s why I’m trying to work things out with him. I feel I won’t find anyone again. I think it’s okay to want to settle down. Some people don’t want to be single.

I think you ought to fix this. It's a look and taste of desperation which you may not intend but it's affecting the way you interact with others and the way you put up with behaviour from people who don't treat you well. Your self-esteem is all over the map and in the gutter.

It's likely he knows that's the space you're coming from also and the other person may be unsure whether you're with them for them or whether you're just in it for yourself and dealing with your own fears. Let go if this isn't for you and remain positive. Stay in touch with other things going on in your life.

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by glows

[Lovelorn_lady]

He texted again just now and said. “Good morning! How are you?” I haven’t responded yet. He’s clearly reaching out. He feels somethIng. He wants to communicate, obviously. I’ll simply tell him, “I’m doing okay, thanks. How are you?” and leave it at that. 
 

Some of you are actually pretty cruel. People come on here for support, not to be made to feel much worse. You tear people down when they’re hurting. I get it, but I now feel 10x worse than I did when I made my initial post. 

[Lovelorn_lady]

1 hour ago, clia said:

With all due respect, giving someone a day and a half is not giving them space

He contacted me first. I didn’t say a word to him. “Space” is different for everyone. Some may need a month, others may need a day and a half. I told him to take the time he needs and I backed off. It seems that was the time he needed. 

[spiderowl]

16 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

How is asking “when” being needy and clingy? I have a life of my own and I need to plan my time. Not sure how asking that is being needy and clingy

I don’t think you are being clingy. You are just assuming he is communicating meaningfully like you. He isn’t, he is being deliberately vague because he is not cutting you off; he is just keeping you on a string where he is offering nothing.

I rarely do this but I think it would really help you to read a book called ‘Why Men like b****es’. Awful title and it totally gives the wrong impression of what the book is about. It is about how people treat each other with disrespect if they think they can. I think the book will help you to understand how you are effectively ‘devaluing’ yourself in his eyes at the moment. It is well written, a fun read, and will give you something else to think about now. Hopefully, you will stop responding to a guy who is deliberately doing nothing.

[Lovelorn_lady]

5 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I don’t think you are being clingy. You are just assuming he is communicating meaningfully like you. He isn’t, he is being deliberately vague because he is not cutting you off; he is just keeping you on a string where he is offering nothing.

I rarely do this but I think it would really help you to read a book called ‘Why Men like b****es’. Awful title and it totally gives the wrong impression of what the book is about. It is about how people treat each other with disrespect if they think they can. I think the book will help you to understand how you are effectively ‘devaluing’ yourself in his eyes at the moment. It is well written, a fun read, and will give you something else to think about now. Hopefully, you will stop responding to a guy who is deliberately doing nothing.

But what is the purpose of keeping me on a string? Why not just cut me off, or we try and fix things? Why is he doing that deliberately? Yeah, that does sound like a good book. I will check it out. Thanks for the recommendation . 

[Lovelorn_lady]

I did respond to his message he sent me this morning, “good morning! How are you?” I simply said, “Good morning! I’m doing fine, thanks. How are you?” I don’t feel totally not responding at all and avoiding him is necessarily a good way to go if I’m wanting to work things out. I feel that was a totally appropriate response. I never responded to his “sometime soon though” message last night. To me, it came across as being somewhat cold and dismissive. I didn’t want to respond to it. His good morning message to me seemed sweet. He is wanting to reach out, clearly. I want to say more to him, but I know I shouldn’t. 

[spiderowl]

5 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

But what is the purpose of keeping me on a string? Why not just cut me off, or we try and fix things? Why is he doing that deliberately? Yeah, that does sound like a good book. I will check it out. Thanks for the recommendation . 

Probably because he is feeling peevish at the moment and he senses he has power over you. You need to turn this into a situation where he respects you and your time. Whether this is possible with this guy, I don’t know. He may just not be in love, but respect comes before love. He needs to be admiring you and wanting to step up to make you happy. He won’t do either if he thinks he has got you there on the end of a text whenever he wants or if he thinks you are only focused on him.

[Lovelorn_lady]

9 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

You need to turn this into a situation where he respects you and your time.

How do I do that, or at least attempt to do it? 

[Allupinnit]

I've never had a good outcome when a man told me he needed space and I complied, waiting around and wishing like a puppy for a pat on the head (text, call, etc).

It always amounted to his losing interest and the contact he kept going never amounted to just wanting to shake my chain to see if I was still around.

You might need to learn this lesson the hard way as I think you'll give this another shot but at 43 who has time to waste like this?  In every single instance I wish I had simply blocked the guy's number.  Being strung along and limbo hurts really badly.  

[Allupinnit]

Sorry that should have said "never amounted to anything more than..."

[spiderowl]

44 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

How do I do that, or at least attempt to do it? 

Read the book.

Don’t be available to him. Either he will want you back or not. If he does, he will make an effort to be in touch with you and make a time/day to meet. Do not respond to anything but a specific arrangement - and even then, bear in mind he has let you down before so don’t be too quick to agree to meet. Do not ask how he is, be busy elsewhere. Leave it for days not hours.

I know you fear if you do not respond to him that he will disappear. If he does, he wasn’t that interested in the first place. A guy who is genuinely interested will make a lot of effort for a woman he desires and respects.

From reading your communications with him and the way he has treated you and others, I get the strong impression this guy has been ‘backleading’ women for some time now. It has been very successful for him and gives him the power in a relationship - until the woman walks. Please look it up. Ideally you will let go of the idea of trying to keep him if this is the way he treats women. At the very least though, you need to learn how to turn this round by removing his opportunities to manipulate you. 

Personally, I would rather drop a guy than be manipulated like this. Some do it unconsciously and that’s where you can rebalance the situation. He got in touch with you because you DID NOT reply to a text. Unfortunately, you responded kindly the next day and even asked him how he was. He hasn’t earned that interest from you so you are giving too much again. I would show no interest in him and be entirely neutral, not responding or being bland and not asking about him. As long as you cling to the idea of trying to keep him though, you will suffer. You are worth so much better.

It is no reflection on you that he has treated you like this; he could have done this with anyone and probably did. It simply means he has got into a bad habit which has worked for him so far. If you draw a line in the sand and refuse to pay him more attention for it, he will realise it doesn’t work for you. He will then either step up or give up. Either way, you are no worse off. I think you’ll have to watch out for him trying this over and over though. I would say the book is essential for you. You have too much self respect to put up with this power play.

Edited December 1, 2021 by spiderowl

[Lovelorn_lady]

39 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

From reading your communications with him and the way he has treated you and others, I get the strong impression this guy has been ‘backleading’ women for some time now. It has been very successful for him and gives him the power in a relationship - until the woman walks. Please look it up. Ideally you will let go of the idea of trying to keep him if this is the way he treats women. At the very least though, you need to learn how to turn this round by removing his opportunities to manipulate you. 

I am learning this about him, as well. He doesn’t have a good history with women, as in not entirely the way he has treated them, but how they have treated him, too. He’s been cheated on, two women he was with just left him and moved to other places. On the other hand, I do agree with you about his treatment of women. I believe he has done these sort of shenanigans before. He made a point to mention his ex girlfriend in messages to me the other day. Clearly, she left him by the way he talked I think it’s likely for the same reason I dumped him. 

[flitzanu]

3 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

 

Some of you are actually pretty cruel. People come on here for support, not to be made to feel much worse. You tear people down when they’re hurting. I get it, but I now feel 10x worse than I did when I made my initial post. 

 

no one is trying to hurt you.  everyone here has gone through the exact same thing you have, and trying to tell you how it is going to turn out.

sometimes it is best to really pay attention when someone is telling you something that  you don't want to hear or don't want to believe to be true.

[Girl Fade Away]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, this has all happened because you dumped him.   He's quite within his rights to be taking his time or to be non-committal.   

One doesn't get to be up on a high horse when they are trying to come back from dumping someone in a fit of pique.  

@basil67but it was a forced dump.  He was ignoring her, "spacing out" on scheduled dates, treating her disrespectfully and imo deplorably.  So he left her no choice.  That is a lot different from the typical scenario when someone gets dumped.

And now that they are broken up, he is STILL treating her with a high disregard, tossing her crumbs, hinting at getting together with no follow through.  

This is actually one of the saddest threads I have read in awhile.  It is so clear that this man has no or very little interest in the OP, but she still hangs in wishing and hoping, nearly begging for attention and validation from him.   

Edit:  @Lovelorn_ladyneither I nor anyone here is being cruel or trying to hurt you.  We have all been through it in one way or another, have learned and are trying to help you!   I am sorry you don't see it that way, but it's the truth.

 

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Lovelorn_lady]

46 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

It is no reflection on you that he has treated you like this; he could have done this with anyone and probably did. It simply means he has got into a bad habit which has worked for him so far. If you draw a line in the sand and refuse to pay him more attention for it, he will realise it doesn’t work for you. He will then either step up or give up. Either way, you are no worse off.

Thank you. You’re being very supportive and I appreciate that. I have been very good to him. I also have set boundaries with him before and he knows. I know I’m no worse off no matter which way this goes. I am hoping this little experience kicks him where it hurts a little and he learns he can’t behave that way if he expects to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. 

[Lovelorn_lady]

I am so completely hopeless! He texted me back a little bit ago responding to my response to his good morning message. He said in a series of 4 messages: “I’m doing good.” Then, “just another busy day for me.” Followed by, “have a god day!” And finally, “are you working today?” Then idiot me responded. I can’t not respond to him! What’s the matter with me? I try to resist, and I give in and respond. I said to him, “I’m glad you’re doing good!” Then, “no, I’m off today. Just doing a little Christmas shopping.” Then, “Thank you, you have  good day, too!” Gahhhh!!! 
 

On the one hand, he is making contact. This isn’t the behavior of someone who isn’t interested. They just wouldn’t contact you. On the other, I keep responding to him! I know I need to stop doing that. But part of me feels that I have no reason not to respond. 
 

I’m just hopeless! 

[Lovelorn_lady]

13 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

neither I nor anyone here is being cruel or trying to hurt you.  We have all been through it in one way or another, have learned and are trying to help you!   I am sorry you don't see it that way, but it's the truth.

 

I know. It’s just the tone of some of the responses. I need all the help I can get right now. As you can probably tell, I really don’t have much experience with relationships, or at least good ones. At my age, you’d think I’d know this stuff and I don’t, clearly. 

[Girl Fade Away]

12 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

I am so completely hopeless! He texted me back a little bit ago responding to my response to his good morning message. He said in a series of 4 messages: “I’m doing good.” Then, “just another busy day for me.” Followed by, “have a god day!” And finally, “are you working today?” Then idiot me responded. I can’t not respond to him! What’s the matter with me? I try to resist, and I give in and respond. I said to him, “I’m glad you’re doing good!” Then, “no, I’m off today. Just doing a little Christmas shopping.” Then, “Thank you, you have  good day, too!” Gahhhh!!! 
 

On the one hand, he is making contact. This isn’t the behavior of someone who isn’t interested. They just wouldn’t contact you. On the other, I keep responding to him! I know I need to stop doing that. But part of me feels that I have no reason not to respond. 
 

I’m just hopeless! 

This is precisely why the block function was created....  so you won't be tempted to respond when he messages you with what amounts to nonsense.   This isn't even happening to me and I am pissed off for you!  😠   This bozo is so toying with you!  I wish you could see it.  And I hate to say this but he may even be laughing about it with his friends.   Read @Norwhal post.  We teach people how to treat us and that is what you are teaching him.  That he can treat you like yesterday's news (or worse) and you will still be there, begging for his attention and validation.

I don't typically ask this question, because to me age is irrelevant but in this case, it might be.  How old are you?  Is he your first boyfriend?  If not, what have your previous relationships been like?  How is the relationship with your dad?  Was he around for you while growing up?  

I don't mean to get all "shrink-like" on you but for some reason, this thread is affecting me in a weird way and I would really like to understand and help you.  xo  

Hugs.

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Allupinnit]

17 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

I am so completely hopeless! He texted me back a little bit ago responding to my response to his good morning message. He said in a series of 4 messages: “I’m doing good.” Then, “just another busy day for me.” Followed by, “have a god day!” And finally, “are you working today?” Then idiot me responded. I can’t not respond to him! What’s the matter with me? I try to resist, and I give in and respond. I said to him, “I’m glad you’re doing good!” Then, “no, I’m off today. Just doing a little Christmas shopping.” Then, “Thank you, you have  good day, too!” Gahhhh!!! 
 

On the one hand, he is making contact. This isn’t the behavior of someone who isn’t interested. They just wouldn’t contact you. On the other, I keep responding to him! I know I need to stop doing that. But part of me feels that I have no reason not to respond. 
 

I’m just hopeless! 

Yep been there done that.  It's just like the rest of us are saying - he's keeping contact because he likes the attention.  He hasn't been sweating you for a long time.  I'd block his number.  

[Fox Sake]

56 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

 

no one is trying to hurt you.  everyone here has gone through the exact same thing you have, and trying to tell you how it is going to turn out.

sometimes it is best to really pay attention when someone is telling you something that  you don't want to hear or don't want to believe to be true.

I’m not disagreeing with you cos that’s accurate in most cases , but in the OP’s defence-  I just took it that she meant she wanted support in navigating her situation whether it was right or wrong , cos her end goal is clearly this guy! It’s not up to us really what she decides to do, but we can support and respect her decision and offer advice based on that to try and aid her desired outcome. I think her statement was based on people not respecting her choice. It’s a trend on here. 

Very rarely do people actually help navigate these things anymore,  cos ultimately now a days everyone else knows best for that person and 9/10 they say to leave or go for therapy, instead of work on the problem/ or help explore the issues and a way through. 14 years ago , LS was a very different place! 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Fox Sake