What does 'we'll see' mean when I asked to work things out?

[Alpacalia]

OP you still haven't accepted the advice to simply STOP messaging each other.

You're doing yourself a huge disservice if you don't take this opportunity to pause and contemplate.

 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

I said to him, “I’m glad you’re doing good!” Then, “no, I’m off today. Just doing a little Christmas shopping.” Then, “Thank you, you have  good day, too!”

Ok. It's ok to be polite. It's not ok to be so anxious that you can't wait to have an in-person talk when he returns. Relax. 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Fox Sake]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

OP you still haven't accepted the advice to simply STOP messaging each other.

You're doing yourself a huge disservice if you don't take this opportunity to pause and contemplate.

 

She’s on a mission! All we can really do is advise her to gauge her responses and her response time. If she doesn’t feel his contact is of any value, then she can continue NC. 
I think through that process she will probably end up seeing she deserves to feel wanted anyways!  

[Lovelorn_lady]

8 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

, instead of work on the problem

Well, that’s my whole point entirely, I guess. I see this problem as fixable. I realized that it may not be an issue worth breaking up over which is why I told him I wanted to work things out, but rather one he and I could possibly work on. Normally, other than the last couple of weeks, he’s been a good guy to me. He treated me pretty well. It also occurred to me that maybe something else is going on in his life that lead him to blow me off.  That’s what I am hoping to accomplish is to work on the problem. 

[Alpacalia]

You need to focus on this more:

1 hour ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

I am learning this about him, as well. He doesn’t have a good history with women, as in not entirely the way he has treated them, but how they have treated him, too. He’s been cheated on, two women he was with just left him and moved to other places. On the other hand, I do agree with you about his treatment of women. I believe he has done these sort of shenanigans before. He made a point to mention his ex girlfriend in messages to me the other day. Clearly, she left him by the way he talked I think it’s likely for the same reason I dumped him. 

When did you start dating him after his last relationship ended OP? 

[ShyViolet]

OP, you are disrespecting yourself by clinging to a guy who has made it clear he's not that into you.  It really sounds like you have really low self-esteem; that's the only explanation as to why you can't seem to bring yourself to get out of this dysfunctional cycle.  A person with strong emotional intelligence would know to walk way from this situation.  You have some very dysfunctional tendencies and need to get into therapy.

And just because this isn't what you want to hear doesn't mean it's cruel.  If it's hard for you to hear, maybe that's a sign that it struck a nerve because it's true.

[Fox Sake]

12 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Well, that’s my whole point entirely, I guess. I see this problem as fixable. I realized that it may not be an issue worth breaking up over which is why I told him I wanted to work things out, but rather one he and I could possibly work on. Normally, other than the last couple of weeks, he’s been a good guy to me. He treated me pretty well. It also occurred to me that maybe something else is going on in his life that lead him to blow me off.  That’s what I am hoping to accomplish is to work on the problem. 

Well from here on out you need to gain some self respect back and some control in the situation. 
So that means not being available for him on a plate.

That means no double or triple texting him. Don’t respond to a message if it doesn’t warrant one. Take your time texting back and don’t messGe just for the sake of it. Make him essentially wonder about you. When you start to do all that you could start to feel the power change again. If it’s going to.
But you need to do it out of respect for yourself. All of this has to be with a short term goal of an expectation of a level of respect you want to see from him. That way you aren’t chasing forever and will know you have it a fair shot of it all goes south. 

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

She’s on a mission! All we can really do is advise her to gauge her responses and her response time. If she doesn’t feel his contact is of any value, then she can continue NC. 
I think through that process she will probably end up seeing she deserves to feel wanted anyways!  

I think she's chasing after an emotionally unavailable man, but that's just my take.

[Fox Sake]

11 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I think she's chasing after an emotionally unavailable man, but that's just my take.

Sometimes, We gotta fail to learn and grow  😅

[Lovelorn_lady]

30 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

When did you start dating him after his last relationship ended OP? 

He told me it was 3 years. 

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

He told me it was 3 years. 

Three years post being cheated on and two women that left him.

Yeah, he's got some "stuff" going on there.

Might be why he said he tends to "space out."

Still, it's odd that something as simple as him wanting to spend some time away from you would set off such a cascade of events.

Edited December 1, 2021 by Alpaca

[Lovelorn_lady]

1 hour ago, Girl Fade Away said:

don't typically ask this question, because to me age is irrelevant but in this case, it might be.  How old are you?  Is he your first boyfriend?  If not, what have your previous relationships been like?  How is the relationship with your dad?  Was he around for you while growing up?  

I’m 43 years old. I know, I should know better than this by now, but maybe my relationship history will shed some light on things. He is not my first boyfriend and hopefully not my last. My previous relationships haven’t been that good. I was with a man for 5 years who was a serious alcoholic. I ended up being his babysitter. He was both physically and emotionally abusive, but one of the takeaways from that relationship is the trauma I still have. His telling me frequently, “no one will ever love you.” That still traumatizes me to this day. So far, I feel he’s been right, and therefore I feel unlovable. The rest of the abuse healed in time, but that’s the one thing I could never recover from. “No one will ever love you.” 
 

I was actually married (different guy). It lasted 2 years. He filed for divorce without warning. I was served with divorce papers at work and it blindsided me. I have no idea what happened. He never talked to me about anything. I thought things were fine. They seemed fine. So that devastate not only myself, but my entire family. 
 

Another man I had a 3 year relationship with it was pretty good. We just wanted different things after while. We lived together. He let myself and my child move in with him. Things went pretty well until we started arguing a lot and it just started to go downhill. We still talk occasionally.  We stayed friends. 
 

these are just a few of them. 
 

Yes, my dad was around. He worked a lot, but was always home at night. My parents are still married. 
 

As you can probably tell, I have abandonment issues. This is very possibly why it isn’t easy for me to let this guy go. 
 

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Lovelorn_lady

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I only skimmed the last few pages as working but I guess my questions are: what type of relationship do you want and are your needs being met with him?

What is he doing these days? He has gone to concerts and I assume doing fun stuff and you are not part of that (not that you and he should always be together) but didn’t you say he blew you off for three weeks? 

Is this an exclusive relationship - seems like it isn’t but if it is, it doesn’t seem to be what works for you. And if it isn’t exclusive, I suspect he’s on dates with other women, which is why I said it seems you are being strung along as plan b, c or d.

Apologies if my my comments seem harsh as they are not intended to hurt you but rather make you stop and think about steps you can take to feel better. Right now you seem to be in a very passive and reactive position, just hoping and waiting that he will shape up. 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

 I have abandonment issues. This is very possibly why it isn’t easy for me to let this guy go. 

Try to relax. The more your text-tether and cling the more someone will feel suffocated and pull back.

Instead of labeling yourself. See a physician for the anxiety and a general evaluation of your physical and mental health.

Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

Stay active and fit. Focus on your child and co-parenting relationship as well as friends and family.

Is this the same  man?:

 

[Lovelorn_lady]

7 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

What is he doing these days? He has gone to concerts and I assume doing fun stuff and you are not part of that (not that you and he should always be together) but didn’t you say he blew you off for three weeks? 

Is this an exclusive relationship - seems like it isn’t but if it is, it doesn’t seem to be what works for you. And if it isn’t exclusive, I suspect he’s on dates with other women, which is why I said it seems you are being strung along as plan b, c or d.

He’s been really busy. I think I said in a previous post that he works 2 jobs. He has been going to a lot of concerts. Some we were together and others not. It didn’t bother me. He has a right to do his thing. I’m not possessive like that. I always supported him in it. 
 

No, it’s been exclusive. He’s not dating anyone else. It’s not that sort of situation.  

[Girl Fade Away]

32 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

I’m 43 years old. I know, I should know better than this by now, but maybe my relationship history will shed some light on things. He is not my first boyfriend and hopefully not my last. My previous relationships haven’t been that good. I was with a man for 5 years who was a serious alcoholic. I ended up being his babysitter. He was both physically and emotionally abusive, but one of the takeaways from that relationship is the trauma I still have. His telling me frequently, “no one will ever love you.” That still traumatizes me to this day. So far, I feel he’s been right, and therefore I feel unlovable. The rest of the abuse healed in time, but that’s the one thing I could never recover from. “No one will ever love you.” 
 

I was actually married (different guy). It lasted 2 years. He filed for divorce without warning. I was served with divorce papers at work and it blindsided me. I have no idea what happened. He never talked to me about anything. I thought things were fine. They seemed fine. So that devastate not only myself, but my entire family. 
 

Another man I had a 3 year relationship with it was pretty good. We just wanted different things after while. We lived together. He let myself and my child move in with him. Things went pretty well until we started arguing a lot and it just started to go downhill. We still talk occasionally.  We stayed friends. 
 

these are just a few of them. 
 

Yes, my dad was around. He worked a lot, but was always home at night. My parents are still married. 
 

As you can probably tell, I have abandonment issues. This is very possibly why it isn’t easy for me to let this guy go. 

Thank you for sharing all that, it's a lot to sort through (for you).  It's good you own your abandonment issues and that you acknowledge that it's the driving force behind many of your decisions.   Acknowledgment is the first step towards understanding and healing.  I think another poster recommended therapy?  I know it gets a bad rap, and I used to think so too, but it's helped me a lot in recent years.  

A good qualified therapist will help you sort through all your conflicting emotions and also to help you learn to navigate your struggles on your own.  Mine did.  She was tremendous, I hardly ever need to see her anymore and now I am in a position to help others such as yourself, or try to.  

I know for me, when I was struggling with an issue, even just someone listening and empathizing was helpful.  Understanding what you are going through. 

I think you deserve better than this man lovelorn.  I hope you will move toward extricating yourself, healing and seeking a better more loving partner and healthier relationship.   It won't be easy but it will be well worth it in the long run.  xo

 

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Lovelorn_lady]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this the same  man?:

Yeah, sigh! 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Well, that’s my whole point entirely, I guess. I see this problem as fixable. I realized that it may not be an issue worth breaking up over which is why I told him I wanted to work things out, but rather one he and I could possibly work on. Normally, other than the last couple of weeks, he’s been a good guy to me. He treated me pretty well. It also occurred to me that maybe something else is going on in his life that lead him to blow me off.  That’s what I am hoping to accomplish is to work on the problem. 

Unfortunately, you've done things backwards.  When we dump someone, it should be AFTER all avenues for trying to fix it have been explored.  But if we dump them first, then all that power we could have used to negotiate is lost.   And not only is the power lost, but dumpees generally don't react positively towards someone who just dumped them.   It's human nature.

As for why he keeps contacting you with silly messages, none of us can give you a definitive reason.  I think you should walk away because he doesn't seem to be in a mind to get back together with you.  However, if you really are determined to try and work this out, I'd send a final text saying that "These random text discussions aren't helping me and I need to step away. Please only make contact if you want to meet to discuss a second try". Thank you for understanding"   But don't wait too long because he might never contact you.     

Edited December 1, 2021 by basil67

[Lovelorn_lady]

24 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

A good qualified therapist will help you sort through all your conflicting emotions and also to help you learn to navigate your struggles on your own.  Mine did.  She was tremendous, I hardly ever need to see her anymore and now I am in a position to help others such as yourself, or try to.  

I know. I have to admit I need to see one. It will help in many ways. I don’t know why I won’t. It’s not because I won’t admit I need one. I just like to deal with things on my own. I just know I can’t always do that. Maybe I’d feel better about leaving g someone who deserves to be left. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

Sometimes, We gotta fail to learn and grow  😅

Indeed! 😬

(sorry OP for thread jack)

Edited December 1, 2021 by Alpaca

[Lovelorn_lady]

Now he texts me, “what have you been up to today?” Why does he care??? 😔😩

Edited December 1, 2021 by Lovelorn_lady

[Lovelorn_lady]

Couldn’t it be remotely possible that he actually cares? 

[Fox Sake]

12 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Couldn’t it be remotely possible that he actually cares? 

Who knows! Either way it’s what you wanted is it not?! Now you just have to keep your cool

 Only reply if you’re comfortable to do so and have a plan. - as in have an excuse to leave to conversation i.e- cos it’s been a long day, you're tired and can he message/call you tomorrow?Don’t make yourself vulnerable or too available. If you’re not comfortable texting him then just wait . It can even be all night until tomorrow if you feel like it ! 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Fox Sake
I’m off to sleep. Literally. Goodnight!

[Lovelorn_lady]

3 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Who knows! Either way it’s what you wanted is it not?! Now you just have to keep your cool

It is what I wanted. I just don’t know how to respond. Could he be the clingy one? He texts me a lot when I try to distance myself

[basil67]

33 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

It is what I wanted. I just don’t know how to respond. Could he be the clingy one? He texts me a lot when I try to distance myself

Respond with the advice I gave you earlier:  Ask him to only contact you if it's to make a plan to work through the problems.