What does 'we'll see' mean when I asked to work things out?

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, serial muse said:

If you didn't block him at him saying "calm down" I don't know what it will take. Blech, this guy. 

This is an excellent point.I once dated a guy who used to talk like this. He would act as if my being angry in a situation where it was justifiable was equivalent to my being hysterical and out of control even when I was in perfect control of my emotions. When I think back to that relationship, that's one of the things that makes me most angry. I suspect OP will get to the same place one day.

@OP, I think the biggest hurdle you have to get over (as you indicated) is your fear of being alone. Once you face it, you'll be able to recognize that this relationship is unfulfilling and can't meet your need for companionship. You see, being with someone who doesn't care about you is far lonelier than being alone. I just want you to know that you're not the only one in your 40s who is still single. I am too. And my life is not miserable at all. And it's not that I have some superhuman emotional strength or anything. I was in a very similar place to the one you're in right now. And the thing that helped me was finally acknowledging that the guy truly didn't care about me, accepting that the relationship was over, and taking a break from dating and relationships.

[Lovelorn_lady]

Okay, so here’s an update. Things have been going well with us. We were able to work things out and we’ve been really close. Now I messed up and I’m wanting to ask him if he’s mad at me. Here’s the situation. I’m going through a hard time right now with some things. He knows that. But I stupidly got drunk and got all emotional with him. I sent him a text yesterday afternoon apologizing for my behavior. He texted back awhile later and said, “I thought you had something to drink before I got there, but I wasn’t sure.”  In another message right after he said, “last night sucked.” I responded with, “Yes it did. It won’t happen again. I want us to enjoy our time together.” He texted back and said, “Okay, I know you’re hurting.” I responded with, “Yes, I am. I’m just having a hard time right now. Things will get better.” I also asked him how his day was and told him how mine was. He texted back a few hours later, “my day was okay.” Then, “Life does suck sometimes.” A little bit ago I texted him, “Good morning! How are you this morning?” We always say good morning to each other. Then I texted, “Yeah, stuff happens but it helps to stay positive. Even during bad times, there’s something good.” He hasn’t responded, at least yet. All I am wanting to know is whether or not he’s mad at me and if it’s okay to ask him. I’ve heard conflicting advice about asking your SO, “are you mad at me?” Some says it’s fine to ask and others say it’s not okay and to just give it some time. I feel it’s perfectly acceptable to ask if someone’s mad at you. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

A little bit ago I texted him, “Good morning! How are you this morning?” Then I texted, “Yeah, stuff happens but it helps to stay positive. Even during bad times, there’s something good.” He hasn’t responded, at least yet.

Let the dust settle. Do not text bombard him. Give  some time to process and try to relax.

Edited January 16, 2022 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

I agree that you just need to let the dust settle. 

It's perfectly normal for people to not get over an incident instantly, but rehashing and asking if they are mad only drags the issue back up.   It may help you feel better to know where things stand, but it won't help him move on

I think a more important thing to focus on is what was behind your drunken emotional outpouring.  What was going on?

 

Edited January 16, 2022 by basil67

[argoscard1999]

Try and learn to wait for a response to one message before you send any more. 

[glows]

Leave it alone. There's nothing to do. Let him reach out to you when he's ready. You have already apologized. If he wants to be positive (or not) that is his choice. 

A better approach would be to deal with the issues that are plaguing you or bothering you and caused the disagreement or emotional moment the night before. If you need to cut down the drinking, resolve to do that. If you need help cutting with the drinking, seek support and help to stay sober. Anything to do with your health see your doctor for advice. You seem to be depending on him heavily for support and depending on how long you've been dating or how well you know one another, sometimes it's just not appropriate. 

[argoscard1999]

Quote

He hasn’t responded, at least yet. All I am wanting to know is whether or not he’s mad at me and if it’s okay to ask him. I’ve heard conflicting advice about asking your SO, “are you mad at me?” Some says it’s fine to ask and others say it’s not okay and to just give it some time. I feel it’s perfectly acceptable to ask if someone’s mad at you. 

OK, to answer this part of your post..

As you've already messaged him (and he's probably responded by now, but I'm going by your last message) don't message again until you get a response (and this goes for all communication with him. Wait for a response before you fire off more messages). When he responds, don't immediately jump into asking him "are you mad at me?", because quite frankly, that will make most people not want to message someone back. Knowing that messaging someone back will lead to a switch of topic into questions about whether they're mad at you will, sadly, put most people off. It will lead to them feeling pressured and smothered. There is nothing wrong with checking in with someone from time to time about how they're feeling about you, but there's a certain way to do it. 

When you've had a nice calm few days, or both of your moods are stable, or when you're both free - and not in the middle of a conversation about something else, or as a response to him messaging you back on an unrelated topic - you could say something like,

"Hey, I feel as if over the last few days you've been a bit quiet/we haven't spoken as much/whatever the issue is, and wanted to check in and see if everything is OK with us/OK for you/you're OK?" - not word for word that, but similar. Try not to repeatedly ask this, as it can become a bit much for anyone, and sadly is a bit of an attraction killer. 

It sounds like you may be anxiously attached, there are a lot of YouTube videos/articles/IG accounts on how to deal with these feelings and fears when you're dating or in a relationship. Might be a good idea to check them out, just search 'anxious attachment'

Edited January 17, 2022 by argoscard1999

[stillafool]

On 1/16/2022 at 12:18 PM, Lovelorn_lady said:

I feel it’s perfectly acceptable to ask if someone’s mad at you. 

Okay did you ask him and what did he say?

[Allupinnit]

Why do you chase after this man relentlessly?  I sense you're always seeking his approval.  There is a reason you broke up with him the first time.  He doesn't want to be the good boyfriend to you that you want him to be.  

If you're going through a tough time why is he not asking how he can be there for you?  Instead you are apologizing again.