What does 'we'll see' mean when I asked to work things out?

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Then what should I have said? I was simply asking when. I have to plan my time with a full time job and school. That’s the only reason I asked that. 

If he really wanted to see you, he would have suggested a time.   

If you have plans to be made, just go and make them.   Don't plan your life around a guy who has not given a firm indication that he's willing to give you a second chance.

[Carlon]

6 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Then what should I have said? I was simply asking when. I have to plan my time with a full time job and school. That’s the only reason I asked that. 

You should have not responded at all to the vague breadcrumbs he's tossing at you.

You're being so clingy/needy that he's losing respect for you and the only thing keeping him around is whatever remaining attraction he might still have.

Don't be so available and if and when he comes around stop being so possessive of him and his time with you. The whole "if I went to 3 concerts and didn't spend time with you for a week you'd probably dump me" is way over the top.

Clearly he didn't see you for a week because he didn't WANT to see you for a week. So treat it as the casual relationship it is, or walk away.

You can't force him to be with you more than he is naturally inclined to be. Even if you could he'd resent you for it. Sort of like he's doing right now.

[Lovelorn_lady]

2 minutes ago, Carlon said:

You're being so clingy/needy that he's losing respect for you and the only thing keeping him around is whatever remaining attraction he might still have.

How is asking “when” being needy and clingy? I have a life of my own and I need to plan my time. Not sure how asking that is being needy and clingy

[Girl Fade Away]

18 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Then what should I have said? I was simply asking when. I have to plan my time with a full time job and school. That’s the only reason I asked that. 

Nothing, you should have ignored it.  I do believe he is messing with you now, stringing you along.  Aim higher.  Set higher standards for yourself.  I am so sorry to say this but you are not displaying much respect for yourself and if you do not respect yourself, no man will either.  And that includes HIM.

There is a saying "we teach people how to treat us" and what you are teaching him is that he can treat you like yesterday's news and you'll still be there, begging him to see you and to get back together.  

You broke up with him for a reason, that reason has not disappeared, he is still the selfish, inconsiderate, non-committal man who blew you off many times telling you "he spaced out."  No man who cares about a woman treats her this way.  Please learn this.   Why on earth you would even want to go back to that is beyond my realm of comprehension and please don't say it is because you love him because you should love yourself first before any man.

Edited December 1, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Carlon]

3 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

How is asking “when” being needy and clingy? I have a life of my own and I need to plan my time. Not sure how asking that is being needy and clingy

It's your whole attitude towards him and how he chooses to spend his time with you.

Pick me!

 

You have a life of your own- go live it. Don't center it around him.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Yes, we made definite plans. I am thinking his last girlfriend left him because of this behavior, too. Otherwise he would have had no reason to bring it up. 

So he's had a streak of relationships in which his girlfriends have left him over the same type of behavior.

That's quite telling.

 

[Lovelorn_lady]

Will he actually propose a time/place to get together since I asked him when we can? I don’t know. I just feel that was a normal response to something like that. Who knows if I’ll actually agree to it. He hasn’t gotten back to me yet about it, and I feel that maybe asking when was a bit eager. Was it? 
 

Regardless, I have to really think about this. Even if we do hang out, I may decide not to pursue this further. 

[Alpacalia]

Sweetie, go make plans with your friends for your birthday. Have some fun and enjoy yourself.

 

[Allupinnit]

Well it's clear to me why you dumped this goober - you probably felt neglected for a while before dumping him, not just over a week of concert-going.  Now he's throwing out all of these lame, cryptic messages to you meant to keep you on your toes and basically box you into a FWB, keeping you "thirsty."  "I'm still thinking"?  Ok...?  Go eff yourself.  Like who does he think he is?

I'd block this guy - way too much drama at 8 months - he's only going to hurt you further with his lackadaisical attitude toward you.  He could take or leave you, and is enjoying the attention you're throwing at him.

[Lovelorn_lady]

1 hour ago, Carlon said:

2 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

 

Of course you'll agree to it, just like a hungry dog jumps on a steak bone thrown his way and yes asking him was a bit too eager as is your entire approach to the situation.

I am not sure how the whole situation was me being eager. He knows he messed up. Sometimes when we’re angry at someone as I was at him it gets in the way of our judgement. . Yesterday when he initially contacted me after I went a day and a half of not saying anything to him, I told him, “I wasn’t in touch because I was giving you some space.” Today I acknowledged that if he needed more time and space, I would give it to him and I’m totally respectful of that. Giving him space is not clingy. It’s not unusual to want to know a time and date to plan my time. I still haven’t gotten a response from him and it’s been five and half hours since I asked him when, and I’m worried now that I have pushed him away 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Lovelorn_lady

[Carlon]

5 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

it’s been five and half hours since I asked him when, and I’m worried now that I have pushed him away 

Counting the minutes since you last asked him a question and have been anxiously awaiting a response is the definition of being needy/clingy.

[Lovelorn_lady]

4 minutes ago, Carlon said:

Counting the minutes since you last asked him a question and have been anxiously awaiting a response is the definition of being needy/clingy.

Yeah, I guess. But he doesn’t know that. I haven’t texted him since. It’s not like I keep asking. I left it at that with him. Do you think he’ll respond? 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Lovelorn_lady

[Carlon]

1 minute ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Yeah, I guess. But he doesn’t know that. I haven’t texted him since. It’s not like I keep asking. I left it at that with him. 

It shows. In every communication. And it's a real turnoff. Guys want to chase, they don't want to BE chased. It makes the woman look desperate, it lowers their perceived value.

A woman should never, ever say anything remotely like "I respect your need for space". It puts him on a pedestal and it puts the woman saying it in the gutter.

 

[Lovelorn_lady]

11 minutes ago, Carlon said:

A woman should never, ever say anything remotely like "I respect your need for space". It puts him on a pedestal and it puts the woman saying it in the gutter.

I didn’t think of it that way. I said that because I wanted him to know that I respect his need for space. I’m just now worried I won’t hear back from him. I hope I do. It would be kind fo jerk thing to say, “we’ll spend time together” and not respond when I asked him a question about it. I know I probably sound really bad. I’m just trying to figure out this entire situation. 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Lovelorn_lady

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

If I recall correctly this guy is 40 years old. He isn’t that interested in you, he wasn’t that interested in his ex, so she dumped him. His lame statement that “my ex didn’t get me either” is totally ridiculous. She got him and sent him packing. 

Perhaps your emotions are clouding your ability to see what we see based on what you have shared.

I would rather be alone than accept this garbage. I have also learned from my own bad decisions when younger that spending time with people (romantic partners or just friends) who do not meet you half way or show respect makes me feel more lonely than actually being alone.

I agree with  the others - make plans with friends, family, take a class, live your life.
 

[Lovelorn_lady]

I still haven’t heard anything back from him after I asked him, when can we spend time together. I know I need to let him go. If he can’t even respond, then he’s an ass! Personally, I saw nothing wrong with asking that and I think it’s a perfectly reasonable question. Why hasn’t he responded? I guess, who cares why. It’s just that you don’t tell someone you’ll spend time together then not respond when they want to know when. It’s just a jerk thing to do. 

[Lovelorn_lady]

So, I just now finally got a response. All he said was, “sometime soon, though.” Nice! What an ass! He tells me, “we’ll spend time together, and all I get back is, “sometime soon, though”?? Should I ignore him? What kind of answer is that? 

Edited December 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[basil67]

To be fair, this has all happened because you dumped him.   He's quite within his rights to be taking his time or to be non-committal.   

One doesn't get to be up on a high horse when they are trying to come back from dumping someone in a fit of pique.  

[Lovelorn_lady]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, this has all happened because you dumped him.   He's quite within his rights to be taking his time or to be non-committal.   

One doesn't get to be up on a high horse when they are trying to come back from dumping someone in a fit of pique.  

I guess you’re right. I can’t ignore that I broke up with him, although he was a jerk and was in my rights to do that. I respect he’s taking his time. He claims I didn’t hurt him much, but from the tone of his messages, he seems pretty hurt. Should I be patient and see what happens, or just move on? 

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Girl, at this point I have no idea how to advise, you will have to learn this the hard way.  All the best and we will be here when this all comes crumbling down.   

@OP, it's increasingly looking this way. If you don't take a deep breath and take the time to understand what most folks here are telling you, your experience will end up being more painful than necessary. 

6 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Then what should I have said? I was simply asking when. I have to plan my time with a full time job and school. That’s the only reason I asked that. 

He's not an idiot (although I'd totally understand if you wanted to call him one). He knows you have to plan your time, etc. So he's giving you as little info as possible. And it is deliberate. Look up "passive aggression," "stonewalling," and "breadcrumbs." Seriously, look them up now. I'm willing to bet he has done something similar to you in the past although you probably didn't recognize it for what it was. The fact that you came back to him after doing the best thing you possibly could (breaking up with him) suggests that you have been "trained" to accept this kind of treatment.

1 hour ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

Why hasn’t he responded? I guess, who cares why. It’s just that you don’t tell someone you’ll spend time together then not respond when they want to know when.  

Correction: you don't do that if you're Lovelorn_lady or most of the folks here. However, you do precisely that if you're Lovelorn_lady's ex-boyfriend because it's a way of gaining and maintaining power over her. 

Your biggest mistake here is to assume that he subscribes to the same sense of what is right and wrong as you. He doesn't.

Edited December 1, 2021 by Acacia98

[Lovelorn_lady]

6 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Your biggest mistake here is to assume that he subscribes to the same sense of what is right and wrong as you. He doesn't.

He clearly doesn’t. To mention an ex girlfriend who broke up with him for the same behavior, he can’t see that’s why his relationships don’t work out? She clearly left him because he did the same thing. Any rational woman would do that. The problem with me is that I’m too forgiving and too nice. 

[glows]

14 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

The problem with me is that I’m too forgiving and too nice. 

I agree. So step back and cool off. Make other plans with your friends and family for your birthday. Frankly, I don't see what all this space is about nor the vague and sparse words via text. Are you dating via morse code? The relationship was dysfunctional to start and he didn't value your time from the beginning. You're expecting this same person to change within a short time and putting a lot of weight on his words that never held much weight to begin with (unreliable). 

[Fox Sake]

@Lovelorn_lady Just in case you’re going to , don’t give yourself a hard time for going back again for another twist of the knife or feel you made yourself look weak. I’ve done it. We all have at some point. 
You were true to yourself and you know for sure now that this guy is not for you. You did everything you could do. 
Sometimes it doesn’t matter what people tell us, we just have to make sure it’s actually up in flames before we can see it’s burning 

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

He clearly doesn’t. To mention an ex girlfriend who broke up with him for the same behavior, he can’t see that’s why his relationships don’t work out? She clearly left him because he did the same thing. Any rational woman would do that. The problem with me is that I’m too forgiving and too nice. 

This is almost never about being too nice or too forgiving. 

It’s usually about having poor boundaries and a fear of being alone, so we ignore our own needs and overlook bad behaviour so that we aren’t abandoned by them.  

[Lovelorn_lady]

53 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

You did everything you could do. 
Sometimes it doesn’t matter what people tell us,

I did do everything I can. I offered him time; an opportunity to work things out, there’s nothing more I can do. That response, “sometime soon though” I am so tempted to respond with, “whatever.” I’m not responding at all. If he wants to talk, he’ll contact me.