Should I stay with my boyfriend? Am I being manipulated?

[Angel2021]

This could potentially be a really long post but I’m desperate for advice. 

I (F20) met my boyfriend (M29) in July of this year - it was meant to be a hookup but we really enjoyed each others company. We then became ‘friends with benefits’ and then started dating. We became official in October. I was so happy - we have tons in common, laugh non-stop when we are together and are really understanding of each other. The only major red flag I saw was that he wouldn’t have me over to his house (I have been twice since we met in July) and he said this was because his sister is staying with him and she is super depressed.  
However, the day after we made it official I had come across a woman’s Instagram account (due to mutual followers) and it turns out that my boyfriend had a girlfriend the entire time we were together. I was obviously distraught and confronted him, he eventually came out and said that their relationship was super problematic and from what it sounds like, I think he was being abused. I helped him end it with her and he reassured me that he loved me and only wanted to be with me. Since they split up, he had seen her at least twice but never told me until I confronted him but he said it was just for closure. The next few weeks were super rough for me as I was anxious and paranoid but we worked through it. He promised me his behaviour would improve and that he would go above and beyond for me. I started to feel better, but then I found out that he was living with his ‘ex’ fiancée and her ‘new partner’. A huge part of me believes that she isn’t an ‘ex’ fiancée at all - which would explain why I’m never allowed to go over to his - but I don’t know if I’m just paranoid because of our past situation. He has obviously told me that they aren’t together and why they split up, and he doesn’t mind living with them. I did some digging though and his sister isn’t staying with him, even though he tells me stories all the time as if she is there (I haven’t confronted him about this yet though). 
At the moment he is super depressed and there is a lot going on in his life. He said because of his depression he gets brain fog and has turned up hours late to our plans. It’s made me feel really rubbish on top of everything else. I don’t really think it demonstrates changed behaviour. 
 

what should I do now?!

[JRabbit]

He’s lying. He’s a cheater and a liar.  Dump and run. Never look back. Learn from this and don’t accept this treatment in the future.

[basil67]

So many red flags!!!!!   

This guy is a waste of space, so the answer is clear: dump him and move on.   And don't let him guilt trip you for dumping him when he's depressed.  Or "kicking him when he's down" because his behaviour more than warrants it a swift disposal.  

You're only 20 and have your whole life in front of you.  Go and enjoy it. 

Edited November 30, 2021 by basil67

[LynneVicious]

Holy train wreck Batman. The fact that he cheated on his girlfriend with you and started a whole new relationship, and lied to not only her but to you means your whole relationship is based on a lie. 

You’re asking what you should do? Don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth for starters. And you’re not being manipulated if you know he’s a liar, catch him in his lies and then expect him to tell you the truth. 

[glows]

I think you are better off taking some time to yourself and clearing your head.

Lean on your friends and family for support, remove all contact with him after telling him that it's over and you no longer wish to be contacted. Delete and block his contact if needed. Change your privacy settings if you think he is aggressive enough and willful enough not to respect your space.

This is really up to you and what you wish for for yourself. Don't let someone manipulate you this way and cause you to feel so sad and confused, anxious or paranoid. Do you constantly have that feeling like you're uneasy or not sure what else may come up? It's that nervousness, anxiety and constant feeling like something just isn't right or the ground is continuously shifting under you. That stress and anxiety are all negative attributes being around a manipulative person. Leave him alone. Do yourself a favour and end this, move on.

[Wiseman2]

Don't waste any more of your time on him. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

No need to explain. Just end it.

[stillafool]

What a liar and loser.  Sorry OP, but now you can see why his gf is having problems with him.  You are probably not the first woman he's cheated on her with.  You should show up to his house unannounced and find out the truth as well as tell whoever lives there the truth about him.

[smackie9]

A cheater's MO..."I'm in a terrible relationship, they treat me real bad, the relationship is dead already, she's just there because she has nowhere to go,...... He's lying and should kick him to the curb.

The number #1 sign he's in a relationship...he won't let you spend time at his place, or see his place, you don't really know where he lives, and you can't stop by his place unexpectedly/last minute.

Edited November 30, 2021 by smackie9

[Carlon]

With cheating boyfriends like this, who needs enemies?

Why do you need to ask a bunch of strangers what to do about a guy who lies to you repeatedly - to the extent that he was LIVING with his girlfriend the entire time you were together?

The answer should be obvious.

Aim higher. It's almost impossible to do otherwise, any random stranger off the internet is probably going to be better than what you've got now.

 

[Lauriebell82]

You sound like me. A history of trying to fix broken men who promise to change. That's a huge part of my past. Trust me..it doesn't work. He won't change. He may promise to change and go through the motions temporarily, but then it will go back to the way it was. REAL change requires therapy, time, effort, self exploration, personal responsibility. None of which he is currently doing. 

YOU have to make the change here. It starts with you. If you want a healthy relationship it won't be with this guy sadly. Leave him for good. He's bad news. 

Edited November 30, 2021 by Lauriebell82

[Carlon]

This guy isn't even going through the motions.

He's doing the same thing and lies about it or makes lame excuses when questioned.

 

 

[kendahke]

On 11/29/2021 at 7:40 PM, Angel2021 said:

1. I met my boyfriend in July of this year

2. it was meant to be a hookup

3. We then became ‘friends with benefits’

4. and then started dating. We became official in October.

Where did you two hang out before October for the hook ups/sex?

Quote

5. he wouldn’t have me over to his house

Broadly and generally speaking, when a romantic interest refuses to let you step foot into their home after having had sex with you for 2+ months, it means that there is someone living with them who will have a complete problem with you being in their space, in their bed and with their partner--and keeping that person quiet and in the dark is tantamount.