MM tells me he has feelings for me

[lovebuzz]

I am new and so is my issue.  I am a single woman living in a house down the block from  MM.  He is 65, married 38 years with grown children and grandchildren.  We met playing tennis a few months ago.  It went from tennis partner to friendship/flirting and then to an emotional affair with no physical contact up until recently.  He offered to do some small jobs in my house.  One time his wife texted him while he was in my house and he texted her back and said that I am worried about her.  I don't know why he said that to his wife.  He told his wife he enjoys spending time with me.  I don't know why he said that to her either.  She immediately told him to not enter my home.  He told me he is a love and sex addict.  He cheated on his wife and got caught six years ago, went for counseling and stayed with her.  I asked him how he got caught and he told me that he told his wife about it.  He still came to my house to finish some work that he said he would do for me prior to her banning him from entering my house.  During that time he kissed me for the first time and it got heated.  He told me his wife found out he was in my house and he told his wife he kissed me.  The next day he told me his wife left him, wants a divorce because she had enough and was staying with a friend.  He asked me to dinner and later asked if he could come in. Again we had "almost sex".  The next day his wife returns and he told me she wants to reconcile and he "has to try to work things out", we can no longer have any contact and it is very painful.  Two days later he calls me to tell me his wife is upset and is coming to my house to talk to me.  He said he told his wife we just kissed but I decided to not answer the door.  During our phone conversation he told me he has feelings for me and is confused.  He said he would rather her file for a divorce than him because he feels guilty and doesn't want to hurt her.  The next day I get another email from him.  I have shown the email to my sisters and a friend and they are telling me that they think either his wife made him write it or his wife wrote it from his account without his knowledge.  This is the email:

"I am writing this final email to apologize for any misunderstanding between us that may have been caused by my issue, which I confided with you.

I love my wife very much, I don't want to be with anyone else. I plan to remain happily married to her for the rest of my life.

I will not be playing tennis with you in any way in the future.

Please respect my wishes and do not make any contact with me or my wife in any manner."

 

Naturally, I did not respond and do not plan to contact him.  Also, I have never had any contact with his wife although the tone of the email suggests otherwise.

Not sure if he wrote this email with or without coercion from his wife.  It seems unusual that one day he is telling me he has feelings for me and then the next day "I don't want to be with anyone else" and that "I plan to remain happily married to her for the rest of my life".

Also, is he telling his wife about me to attempt to get his wife so upset that she files for divorce?   I am not sure what is going on?

 

 

 

[anika99]

I don't think he was telling his wife about you so she would file for divorce, I think he was telling her all about you so that he would get attention from her. Likely when he got caught cheating several years ago they went through a honeymoon reconciliation phase where  they were having lots of sex and shared affection and now they might be doing the same. It's not uncommon for couples to have lots of hot intense sex in the wake of infidelity. Sounds weird I think this phase is called hysterical bonding when they reclaim each other. It doesn't last and the infidelity will still cause lots of pain and destruction to the marriage but in the early days it sometimes wakes up long buried passion that the betrayed spouse and cheating spouse have for one another. The only reason I can think of for your MM to go home and tell his wife about you before the affair really got off the ground is that he either wanted her attention or he wanted her to intervene and stop him from having a full blown affair. She may have demanded that he right the letter but he very well may chosen to do it himself. 

In any case you are better off out of this mess but it sounds like you need to do some self reflection. Why were you so eager and willing to entertain an affair with a  married man who was also a self confessed serial cheater and sex addict? That's something you should ask yourself. You didn't seriously think that he was going to become your partner did you? A 65yr old man who has been married over 35yrs is not going to leave his wife, lol. Of course he came running to you and said he had feelings for you the moment his wife left because married men his age don't want to be alone either. You were his back up plan in case his wife didn't come back. 

[BaileyB]

I’m sure that you should stay far, far away from this situation. He has cheated before, he pretty much warned you to stay away (telling you he is a love and a sex addict - he should have said he is addicted to attention because that’s what he gets from you and his wife when he behaves poorly). He told his wife and now she is upset - why would you invite this kind of drama into your life?

Be thankful this didn’t go farther and next time when you see this man coming down  the street - cross to the other side. 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, anika99 said:

A 65yr old man who has been married over 35yrs is not going to leave his wife, lol.

I agree with Anika.

He was looking for a little attention - primarily from his wife. What else could you think from a man who steps out on his marriage and then promptly runs home and tells his wife… For whatever reason, married life was likely getting a little too boring for him and he felt that it was time to stir the pot…

Edited November 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[Myabee]

Hi there. Sorry you are feeling as you are. This right here though is a big indication for you to move on. Be thankful he told you straight and did not leave anything open ended. 

 

am writing this final email to apologize for any misunderstanding between us that may have been caused by my issue, which I confided with you.

I love my wife very much, I don't want to be with anyone else. I plan to remain happily married to her for the rest of my life.

I will not be playing tennis with you in any way in the future.

Please respect my wishes and do not make any contact with me or my wife in any manner."

 

 

[mark clemson]

That email sounds very much like something you would see recommended on an Infidelity site such as SurvivingInfidelity. It sounds to me like the wife decided not to leave him and instead went to one of these sites and followed advice intended to put the kibosh on things like this. So yes, she probably wrote it for him/insisted that he send it.

Overall this guy seems to not know what he really wants and/or to go "whichever way the wind blows". IMO you're best off trying to forget about him as best you can and move on to a new partner if you have interest. He may try to "reel you back in" at some point - if you're interested in an affair specifically (I think that's all this could ever be) then perhaps let him back into your life; otherwise just make a firm commitment to steer clear/ghost him.

[vla1120]

Considering his wife came knocking on your door once, I would suspect she'll do it again if you do not heed the advice in his/her email. I know I wouldn't want that type of drama in my neighborhood, let alone my life.

[lovebuzz]

My opinion... many people get divorced.  More people are getting divorced later in life from what I have read as it is easier when the kids are grown and out of the house.  People grow apart. 

I am much better looking than his wife and have more to offer him.   We are both tennis players and like to play everyday.  His wife does not play tennis.  We had a great time together both on the court and in the bedroom.  I did not initiate anything...  he did.  We did not have oral sex or intercourse... it was all foreplay.

I am aware that statistically the odds are against me.  However,  it does happen and I think there is a possibility that he could actually get a divorce and end up with me. 

IMO, as time goes by, he will realize how much he misses me when he thinks about the great times we had.  I know he thinks I am amazing.  

His relationship with his wife will not change.  She does not trust him and most likely never will.

As far as his cheating... I feel he cheated on his wife because he was not happy with his relationship.  I also think that it is harder to cheat on someone the older you get so the chances of him cheating on me would be less. 

In the meantime, I do not plan to contact him at all and will wait for him to contact me which I believe will happen.  I am still living my life.

 

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, lovebuzz said:

As far as his cheating... I feel he cheated on his wife because he was not happy with his relationship.  I also think that it is harder to cheat on someone the older you get so the chances of him cheating on me would be less. 

Said every cheated on OW, ever........

He's a self-professed "love" and "sex" addict. What makes you think you'll be enough for him?

[stillafool]

How old are you OP?

[stillafool]

Since you are so intent on takiing this MM away from his wife let me ask you why you were too cowardly to answer the door when she came knocking?  You could have told her to her face what you wanted to do.  She probably would have gladly handed him over.  Can't you tell he has done everything in his power to make her jealous and pay attention to him?  It's as obvious as the nose on your face that this guy is desperate for attention from his wife. 

[lovebuzz]

I am 63.   I look much younger.  He told me I have the body of a 30 yr old.  His wife looks about 15 yrs older than me.  She is 65.

I did not answer the door because I did not want to have a conflict with her.  I don't think she would have gladly handed him over.  She most likely would say "stay away".

I agree that he is desperate for attention, but he seemed to like the attention I was giving him a lot.

[Myabee]

15 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

 in the meantime, I do not plan to contact him at all and will wait for him to contact me which I believe will happen.  I am still living my life.

 

Yes live your life. The thing I don't get here is that email was pretty direct as to he does not wish to be contacted so I am not sure what you're looking for? As for what I have personally learned from reading here is that what a MM says about the wife you really don't not know any truth of what is happening in his marriage. 

[lovebuzz]

I think he was forced to write the email by his wife who is very jealous of me after he told her he kissed me.  Or she wrote it from his account...either one.

I know she does not trust him because he cheated on her many times and he told her about them all.  It was part of the therapy when he went for counseling. 

It would be impossible for her to trust him.  So it is just common sense... not that he told me.

[vla1120]

7 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

It would be impossible for her to trust him.

If it is impossible for her to trust him, chances are, it's also impossible for you to trust him.

Edited November 30, 2021 by vla1120

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

I did not answer the door because I did not want to have a conflict with her.

If you don't want conflict with her why are you going after her husband?   You're flattered by a cheater who wants to add you as a notch on his belt.  He's cheated many times before so why do you think you're the golden ticket to take him away from her?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

Two days later he calls me to tell me his wife is upset and is coming to my house to talk to me.  He said he told his wife we just kissed but I decided to not answer the door. 

He sounds like a complete clown 🤡. Don't waste your time.

Surely you could get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting decent honest quality single men, no?

You don't seem desperate enough to have to settle for this.

[Pumpernickel]

He sounds cruel and immature. Very disrespectful to his wife. Trust nobody who throws a family member under the bus in that manner, as they will do the same and worse to you. 

 

[lovebuzz]

He was going after me... I was just going with the flow.

The situation with his wife is not my business.  If he wants to end it, he will.  Me confronting her will not benefit anyone.

I have the whole package and am a better catch than the other people he cheated with.  Something he did tell me in other words.

He didn't have to tell me he cheated on his wife in the past.   Apparently he's an honest cheater.... an oxymoron I know.

I am not flattered by him, I enjoy his company and want to spend time with him.

[vla1120]

4 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

He was going after me... I was just going with the flow.

The situation with his wife is not my business.  If he wants to end it, he will.  Me confronting her will not benefit anyone.

I have the whole package and am a better catch than the other people he cheated with.  Something he did tell me in other words.

He didn't have to tell me he cheated on his wife in the past.   Apparently he's an honest cheater.... an oxymoron I know.

I am not flattered by him, I enjoy his company and want to spend time with him.

Oh boy. Are you falling for the deceit hook, line and sinker, or what? If you're that great a catch, why can't you attract an unattached man?

[lovebuzz]

I probably could.  I am not wanting to go online now... Too much effort.  My husband passed 2 1/2 yrs ago.  I was just playing tennis when I met him... I wasn't looking for a partner although I would like one.

[Carlon]

8 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

He was going after me... I was just going with the flow.

The situation with his wife is not my business

Say that to his wife when she shows up at your door and pulls an Amy Fisher on you.

Clearly the husband is trying to appease his wife and making you look like the instigator.

Take a lesson from this- stay away from married guys entirely. No good will come of it. If a married guy really wants out of his marriage, he'll get divorced.

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

OP, your intentions are very clear here. I will only ask - is this really the best you think you can do for yourself? Are there not other single men in your neighbour hood who don’t come with an angry wife and adulterous past? If you are really younger, prettier, more interesting than his wife - who don’t you go out and find yourself a better man? 

[Myabee]

32 minutes ago, Carlon said:

Take a lesson from this- stay away from married guys entirely. No good will come of it. If a married guy really wants out of his marriage, he'll get divorced.

True!!!!!!!!!!

[lovebuzz]

I will eventually. I just am not up to it right now.  I am not outgoing.  I really enjoyed this MM.  He is nice, he is a doctor,  he has an engineering degree as well, he can fly a plane, plays tennis, he fixed a bunch of things in my house, very knowledgeable,  funny, tall, thin, good looking, has hair and we had a lot of fun with together.  He meets all the qualifications except he is married and he has a history.  I don't mind the history because I believe he would not cheat on me. 

I feel I am on his level.  I have a few businesses, former junior ranked tennis player, nice person, good looking and smart.  My previous husband that passed was a well known drummer.  I feel I need someone extraordinary or I will not be happy and he fit the bill.