MM tells me he has feelings for me

[pepperbird2]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When you start having sex with a sex-addict, it's the beginning of the end. They start losing interest from the moment you have sex with them. And when OP says he's getting sex home, I doubt it. One symptoms of being a sex-addict is losing sexual interest in your partner. They need 'new' all the time. 

, the way the OP views this is really troubling. If, as she claims, he's a sex addict then why on god's green earth, if she cares about him at all, is she feeding the beast?

Its like giving an alcoholic a bottle just because it makes them more pleasant to be around. The very nature of addictions is that they often ruin people's lives. Seems like a strange thing to do when one cares about someone.

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

, the way the OP views this is really troubling. If, as she claims, he's a sex addict then why on god's green earth, if she cares about him at all, is she feeding the beast?

She needs to understand she won't be feeding him long, he will need 'new' pretty fast. He said he had 10 affairs and his wife discovered 3. He did not 'connect' on a deeper level to any of those 10 women, he's not going to connect to OP either. It's all fake and manufactured puppy love on his part. Also OP has no leverage to keep this man around. The wife does, they have common assets, melted families, common social network, and she takes him back all the time. Why would he leave all that for a woman he knows he'll grow tired of in the matter of a few months. 

Edited December 2, 2021 by Gaeta

[lovebuzz]

4 minutes ago, larsen said:

Since he was finally caught, it could be months or years if he ever chances it again.

Because of his sex addiction.  He gets high from almost getting caught.  It is an adrenalin rush for him.  It is not just about the conquer. His impulse control is compromised and he is willing to do things with great risk and in his mind, minimizes the adverse consequences.... one of the symptoms of a sex addict.  He talked a lot about getting "zings" as he called it.  This is why I think he is more likely to return than a normal MM sooner than later.

In his past he worked many years in an emergency room where he most likely had a lot of adrenalin flowing trying to save peoples lives from crashes, bullets, and heart attacks, etc.  He is an adrenalin junkie.  Not saying all ER doctors are.... but it is a suitable profession for one.

BTW, I do not disagree with you regarding my approach (sick and twisted).  I may be a love addict as well. I never claimed to be normal.

[Gaeta]

lovebuzz: what's in it for you? 

[lovebuzz]

27 minutes ago, larsen said:

Most guys who cheat aren't willing to give up their comfortable lifestyle and give half their assets and pay spousal support to an ex wife in exchange for some stranger.

He wouldn't have to give up his comfortable lifestyle (except maybe temporarily).. I have assets as well.  It would be an exchange he gives half to her and gets half from me.  I doubt spousal support will be part of it.  She had a job as a nutritionist although she may be retired now.  Also, he is looking to retire as well.

[Myabee]

9 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

Because of his sex addiction.  He gets high from almost getting caught.  It is an adrenalin rush for him.  It is not just about the conquer. His impulse control is compromised and he is willing to do things with great risk and in his mind, minimizes the adverse consequences.... one of the symptoms of a sex addict.  He talked a lot about getting "zings" as he called it.  This is why I think he is more likely to return than a normal MM sooner than later.

In his past he worked many years in an emergency room where he most likely had a lot of adrenalin flowing trying to save peoples lives from crashes, bullets, and heart attacks, etc.  He is an adrenalin junkie.  Not saying all ER doctors are.... but it is a suitable profession for one.

BTW, I do not disagree with you regarding my approach (sick and twisted).  I may be a love addict as well. I never claimed to be normal.

Sex addiction? And you want to be involved with this? 10 affairs? What is it you intend to gain here? 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

He wouldn't have to give up his comfortable lifestyle (except maybe temporarily).. I have assets as well.  It would be an exchange he gives half to her and gets half from me. 

I just fell of my chair !!

You would gamble half your assets, that you accumulated through a life time, and I imagine with your deceased husband, so you can have a moment with this man??

[lovebuzz]

49 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Your sisters don't want better for you? 

I think you need to go out there and date different men and you'll realize this one here is the type of men you find at the bottom of the barrel. 

Everyone wants better for me... but they are not me.

I agree that I should do that as well.  It is easy for everyone to say that... it is not so easy for me to do.

Everyone else is an outsider looking in... they see clearer but they don't feel the way I do.

[vla1120]

11 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

Because of his sex addiction.  He gets high from almost getting caught.  It is an adrenalin rush for him.  It is not just about the conquer. His impulse control is compromised and he is willing to do things with great risk and in his mind, minimizes the adverse consequences.... one of the symptoms of a sex addict.  He talked a lot about getting "zings" as he called it.  This is why I think he is more likely to return than a normal MM sooner than later.

In his past he worked many years in an emergency room where he most likely had a lot of adrenalin flowing trying to save peoples lives from crashes, bullets, and heart attacks, etc.  He is an adrenalin junkie.  Not saying all ER doctors are.... but it is a suitable profession for one.

BTW, I do not disagree with you regarding my approach (sick and twisted).  I may be a love addict as well. I never claimed to be normal.

You do seem determined to embark down this path that, for most, would be painful and full of regret. I only have one bit of advice for you at this point. You mentioned something that you probably would not even tell your therapist. I see that as problematic. You should tell your therapist EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT.  Anything less is a disservice to yourself. If you are not being honest with him/her, then you are not being honest with yourself and therapy is not really going to be a benefit for you, IMO.

[lovebuzz]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

You would gamble half your assets, that you accumulated through a life time, and I imagine with your deceased husband, so you can have a moment with this man??

No, I did not say I would give him half my assets.  I said he would have the benefit of them.  There is a huge difference.  I have no intentions of making him a co-owner of my accounts or house.  But, he could live in it, or I could sell it and use half of the proceeds to buy a house with him (more likely since he would not want to remain in this community with his ex wife living down the block).  1/2 + 1/2 = 1.  My point is his lifestyle would not change.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Ditto @vla1120, go ahead and tell  your therapist everything--even if yoiu plan to move forward as you're doing.

Here's the thing. Sometimes we need to go deeper into an unhealthy pattern in order to truly convince ourselves that the pattern isn't good for us. Your therapist won't be judgmental. Go ahead and share. There is probably some important information about yourself that can be revealed if you dig into this desire and perspective you have now.  Maybe you feel like you've been overly good and proper in your life? Maybe you feel like being "good" didn't get you anywhere in this life.  Maybe you feel you always put yourself second and now you want to put yourself first. 

Go ahead and share with your therapist--it's sharing the most awkward stuff that leads to the greatest insight. 

[lovebuzz]

7 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

You should tell your therapist EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT.

I will reconsider telling her my plan for the reason you mentioned.  It is just embarrassing to tell someone I know.

[lovebuzz]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

Ditto @vla1120, go ahead and tell  your therapist everything--even if yoiu plan to move forward as you're doing.

Here's the thing. Sometimes we need to go deeper into an unhealthy pattern in order to truly convince ourselves that the pattern isn't good for us. Your therapist won't be judgmental. Go ahead and share. There is probably some important information about yourself that can be revealed if you dig into this desire and perspective you have now.  Maybe you feel like you've been overly good and proper in your life? Maybe you feel like being "good" didn't get you anywhere in this life.  Maybe you feel you always put yourself second and now you want to put yourself first. 

Go ahead and share with your therapist--it's sharing the most awkward stuff that leads to the greatest insight. 

I agree and will consider that.  I can still do what I want even if she advises against it, which I'm sure she will.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

I will do that eventually.... still recuperating from this.

Yes. You need to adjust to widowhood.

While this filtration was a flattering boost, the man/his wife told you In Writing to cease and desist contacting them. That means you need to stay away before they issue a restraining order or file harassment charges. Fantasies are ok but it's time to look out for yourself and your own future.

 You would be better off dealing with the grief and when ready finding single men to date.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

7 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

No, I did not say I would give him half my assets.  I said he would have the benefit of them. 

 

You don't know much about men psychology. Men take pride in their own assets, obtained by their hard work, benefiting from a woman's asset would be a constant reminder he lost half his. No man feels home under a woman's roof. 

[vla1120]

I also want to add one more thought. You say you are not interested in putting up a dating profile online. You want to see what happens with this situation. You should take the time to put up a profile. Number one, it would distract you from this situation. Number two, you might be pleasantly surprised by the positive attention you would receive and it might make you realize you do not have to sit around and wait for a serial cheating sex addict who's waiting for the dust settle to come back up from underground and pay attention to you (until, as others have said, he gets bored with you two and moves on to the next sexual conquest.) 

Please believe people when they tell you what to expect. They know because they've been there. Do not disregard their experiences. He seems to be right in line with the serial cheater sex addict script, so far. You seem to be self-confident, but you are also an anomaly because I do not believe someone who is truly self-confident and self-assured would accept this situation and I don't care how successful or good-looking he is. I still say you can do better. 

Trust me, online dating can be an amusing distraction if you do not take it too seriously.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP,  you are showing a lot of confidence to stick to your guns in this thread, despite all the warnings you're getting.

That confidence has got to be attractive out in the real world. Meaning you can attract other guys (not married) if you just want to have sex. What's holding you back?

[RebeccaR]

17 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

No, I did not say I would give him half my assets.  I said he would have the benefit of them.  There is a huge difference.  I have no intentions of making him a co-owner of my accounts or house.  But, he could live in it, or I could sell it and use half of the proceeds to buy a house with him (more likely since he would not want to remain in this community with his ex wife living down the block).  1/2 + 1/2 = 1.  My point is his lifestyle would not change.

Sorry, I doubt a man with wealth and status would go for this. Having his own assets will be important to him.

[lovebuzz]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You don't know much about men psychology. Men take pride in their own assets, obtained by their hard work, benefiting from a woman's asset would be a constant reminder he lost half his. No man feels home under a woman's roof. 

This is not true.  My husband that passed was my second husband.  We purchased a house 1/2 my funds and 1/2 his.  He felt completely comfortable there.  He paid the expenses.  It was not a problem.

[lovebuzz]

6 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP,  you are showing a lot of confidence to stick to your guns in this thread, despite all the warnings you're getting.

That confidence has got to be attractive out in the real world. Meaning you can attract other guys (not married) if you just want to have sex. What's holding you back?

I do not just want to have sex.  I am not ready to put in the effort to look for other men at the moment.  

In my past I have succeeded in doing many things that were against the odds... (not talking about romance) with persistence, patience and research. 

I am not convinced I will be successful here, but I want to try and give it my best shot.

Edited December 2, 2021 by lovebuzz

[lovebuzz]

8 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I also want to add one more thought. You say you are not interested in putting up a dating profile online. You want to see what happens with this situation. You should take the time to put up a profile. Number one, it would distract you from this situation. Number two, you might be pleasantly surprised by the positive attention you would receive and it might make you realize you do not have to sit around and wait for a serial cheating sex addict who's waiting for the dust settle to come back up from underground and pay attention to you (until, as others have said, he gets bored with you two and moves on to the next sexual conquest.) 

Please believe people when they tell you what to expect. They know because they've been there. Do not disregard their experiences. He seems to be right in line with the serial cheater sex addict script, so far. You seem to be self-confident, but you are also an anomaly because I do not believe someone who is truly self-confident and self-assured would accept this situation and I don't care how successful or good-looking he is. I still say you can do better. 

Trust me, online dating can be an amusing distraction if you do not take it too seriously.

I think he is an amusing distraction and I am not taking it too seriously.  However, I will do the online dating as well, just not right now.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

This is not true.  My husband that passed was my second husband.  We purchased a house 1/2 my funds and 1/2 his.  He felt completely comfortable there.  He paid the expenses.  It was not a problem.

I was talking about a man living under your roof

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, lovebuzz said:

My husband that passed was my second husband.  

Do you have adult children? The best thing you can do is see an estate attorney and make sure your assets are bullet proof through trust funds and appropriately crafted legal instruments. While you may remarry this is extremely important. Keep in mind, lonely widows are prime targets for scams. Particularly romance scams.

Just like this clown played head games with you. You're lonely, it's clear and you made it known you "need" a man to fix stuff, etc. Ask friends and family for more help.

[lovebuzz]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was talking about a man living under your roof

I don't think he would want to live in this community with his ex wife living down the block.  I would have to sell my house.

[RebeccaR]

3 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

I don't think he would want to live in this community with his ex wife living down the block.  I would have to sell my house.

Your late husband didn’t mind using your assets, but he also wasn’t a sex addict who was also on the prowl for new conquests, so hard to make the comparison.

 I think you are indulging in a little fantasy play here. If you don’t do anything dumber than you’ve already done, you’ll hopefully emerge unscathed. It’s too bad his wife got hurt, and too bad for you he nominally backed her up and gave her your personal information. It’s ok to daydream but you went a little farther than was healthy for you.