MM tells me he has feelings for me

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

the more you talk about this guy, the more I really believe he's never going to be what you want him to be.

After reading these latest posts from lovebuzz, I am beginning to think he is exactly what and who she needs him to be.  She just admitted to being a 'love addict' herself, this entire scenario plays into that perfectly!  

The longing, the uncertainty, the forbidden factor, all fuel to keep the fantasy, the passion, the fire burning.  I won't even judge her for it, she 100% owns her own dysfunction, it's obviously what she needs at least right now. 

I'm not a shrink but hurt people attract other hurt people, so lovebuzz, play it out.  It's obviously serving a purpose for you no matter how 'sick and twisted' it appears to any of us.

It's possible that IF he ever did leave his wife and were to settle into a comfortable 'normal' life with you, you may not find him quite so intriguing and appealing after all. 

That's half or perhaps even most of the attraction and appeal for you right now and even before the dumping message  -- the forbidden factor.   The uncertainty.  The LONGING.  

Take all that away and you might discover it's all a great big YAWN.

Edited December 2, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[vla1120]

10 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

I don't think he would want to live in this community with his ex wife living down the block.  I would have to sell my house.

I really hope you are not getting too far ahead of yourself in this situation. I guess you're right about him being a distraction for you. I just hope you do not take this distraction to a level that leaves you hurt and confused. 

[lovebuzz]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have adult children? The best thing you can do is see an estate attorney and make sure your assets are bullet proof through trust funds and appropriately crafted legal instruments. While you may remarry this is extremely important. Keep in mind, lonely widows are prime targets for scams. Particularly romance scams.

Just like this clown played head games with you. You're lonely, it's clear and you made it known you "need" a man to fix stuff, etc. Ask friends and family for more help.

No, I don't have adult children.  I am pretty knowledgeable regarding divorce law as I have gone through it with my first husband.  The main thing is to not comingle your assets.  Going halves on a house is okay but not cash assets.

I can always hire out service people for whatever I need... that is not a problem.

I purposely let him fix stuff for me and then complimented him on his talent to get him attached.  The more I told him how grateful I was, the more he would find things to do for me. He got zings from my compliments.  It actually worked like a charm.   Another words, he is not the only one who was playing head games... it was mutual.  It's not like I didn't know what I was doing. 

I wouldn't say I am lonely exactly.  I have plenty of things to do and I am starting to enjoy the freedom of doing whatever I want without having an obligation to someone.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

After reading these latest posts from lovebuzz, I am beginning to think he is exactly what and who she needs him to be.  She just admitted to being a 'love addict' herself, this entire scenario plays into that perfectly!  

Ya but:

When you identify yourself as a 'love addict' you have to understand your addiction, you don't go thinking marriage, selling her house, buying a house with this man, changing neighborhood to accommodate him...She has no understanding of her 'love addiction'. 

[lovebuzz]

3 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I just hope you do not take this distraction to a level that leaves you hurt and confused. 

I am a little disappointed but not hurt or confused.  I know what is going on.  I think I could handle it if it doesn't work out in the end. 

But I still want to give it a try... curious to know if I could do it.

[RebeccaR]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When you identify yourself as a 'love addict' you have to understand your addiction, you don't go thinking marriage, selling her house, buying a house with this man, changing neighborhood to accommodate him...She has no understanding of her 'love addiction'. 

I believe this is the fantasy part

[RebeccaR]

Just now, lovebuzz said:

But I still want to give it a try... curious to know if I could do it.

Are you curious to know if you can lure him to finally leave his wife? Is this the challenge you have created for yourself? Hmmm if you actually cared for him, you wouldn’t make him a pawn in your own game.

[lovebuzz]

13 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Take all that away and you might discover it's all a great big YAWN.

No, it is definitely not an great big yawn.  I have much fun with him.  He is really funny, we play tennis together, he gives great massages plus he meets all my other criteria.

[Girl Fade Away]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She has no understanding of her 'love addiction'. 

She may not, that's true.  So she plays it out, experiences it.  If/when she fails, she learns. 

We can all warn her until hell freezes over, but it's obvious at this point none of us will say anthing to sway her or result in her learning anything. About herself and her own addiction or much of anything else.  She learns that herself by doing and either failing or succeeding. 

As I said, IF this man were to leave his wife and settle in with her, she might discover her attraction diminishing or dying altogether. 

That is my understanding of love addiction.  The highs, the lows, the uncertainty, the longing.  Take that away and there's nothingness.  And they are on to the next high. 

 

[Girl Fade Away]

8 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

No, it is definitely not an great big yawn.  I have much fun with him.  He is really funny, we play tennis together, he gives great massages plus he meets all my other criteria.

I'm not talking about NOW.  Please read my posts again for clarity. 

__

It's possible that IF he ever did leave his wife and were to settle into a comfortable 'normal' life with you, you may not find him quite so intriguing and appealing after all. 

That's half or perhaps even most of the attraction and appeal for you right now and even before the dumping message  -- the forbidden factor.   The uncertainty.  The LONGING.  

Take all that away and you might discover it's all a great big YAWN.

Edited December 2, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

lovebuzz, you have NO idea how you will feel unless and until he leaves his wife and settles in with you. 

You're a self admitted love addict, right now all this uncertainty and longing is exciting.  

Take it away and settle into 'safe and comfortable' you may feel differently.

That's all I'm saying. 

Edited December 2, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

No, I don't have adult children.  I am pretty knowledgeable regarding divorce law

Estate (or elder law)  law is not family (divorce) law. Decide who you should appoint be your healthcare proxy, who you should appoint should be your power of attorney etc when the time comes. Decide who to appoint as beneficiaries. Do you have nieces/nephews or other family? Yes hire help. 

[lovebuzz]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Are you curious to know if you can lure him to finally leave his wife? Is this the challenge you have created for yourself? Hmmm if you actually cared for him, you wouldn’t make him a pawn in your own game.

I am curious if I can accomplish him leaving his wife and committing to me.  Although it is not likely.. it is a definite possibility.  People get divorced... it is common.  He may be a pawn in my game but I will not harm him.

I care for him, that is why I did not speak to his wife when she came to my door.  I did not want to contradict whatever is that he had told her.  If he decides that it is best for him to stay with her forever, than I want him to do whatever it is he wants.  For now, he wants to try to work it out with her... very understandable.

I am not going to do anything to lure him back.  Just waiting to see.  There is no harm in that.  My thoughts are that I have a good chance.  Time will tell.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

I am curious if I can accomplish him leaving his wife and committing to me. 

Not when they told you In Writing to cease and desist contact... unless you want a restraining order issued. 

[lovebuzz]

14 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

She may not, that's true.  So she plays it out, experiences it.  If/when she fails, she learns. 

We can all warn her until hell freezes over, but it's obvious at this point none of us will say anthing to sway her or result in her learning anything. About herself and her own addiction or much of anything else.  She learns that herself by doing and either failing or succeeding. 

As I said, IF this man were to leave his wife and settle in with her, she might discover her attraction diminishing or dying altogether. 

That is my understanding of love addiction.  The highs, the lows, the uncertainty, the longing.  Take that away and there's nothingness.  And they are on to the next high. 

 

No one is certain of anything... it's all a risk. 

The fact that we are not young is in my favor.  And also the fact that he is a sex addict is also in my favor for now even though I could face negative consequences with it down the road.

[lovebuzz]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not when they told you In Writing to cease and desist contact... unless you want a restraining order issued. 

I do not plan to email, text or phone him.  

[anika99]

Many years ago when I was trapped in the cycle of an abusive relationship I stumbled across an essay on the internet that nearly knocked me over. The website is pretty much dead now, don't think it's had activity or been updated in over 10yrs but it's still online. I just went back and found that essay and hopefully I can post a link to it here. It's something every single woman who has been or who is in an affair or any other kind of toxic relationship. OP you come across as very flippant and shallow and lacking awareness so I'm not sure if you will get anything out of it but maybe some of the other posters here will so here is the link: 

 

[]

Edited December 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed commercial link

[lovebuzz]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Estate (or elder law)  law is not family (divorce) law. Decide who you should appoint be your healthcare proxy, who you should appoint should be your power of attorney etc when the time comes. Decide who to appoint as beneficiaries. Do you have nieces/nephews or other family? Yes hire help. 

That is good advice.  But how is it related to this MM?

[RebeccaR]

OP, in your first post you asked some questions. People gave you some answers, which you mainly responded didn’t apply in your situation. So what is the reason you’re continuing to post here? You don’t seem to require help or support. If you are looking for predictions, we don’t know you or him and we don’t have a crystal ball. You’ll benefit more by planning your next moves instead of being frustrated reading here.

[lovebuzz]

9 hours ago, anika99 said:

Many years ago when I was trapped in the cycle of an abusive relationship I stumbled across an essay on the internet that nearly knocked me over. The website is pretty much dead now, don't think it's had activity or been updated in over 10yrs but it's still online. I just went back and found that essay and hopefully I can post a link to it here. It's something every single woman who has been or who is in an affair or any other kind of toxic relationship. OP you come across as very flippant and shallow and lacking awareness so I'm not sure if you will get anything out of it but maybe some of the other posters here will so here is the link: 

[]

Thank you I will read it later today.  But I wanted to tell you that it is not that I think I am so special.  It is just that I think I am more fun than his wife as well as better looking.   This is 55+ community so there are no young people... the competition is small.  I am a big fish in a small pond.  It's all relative. 

BTW, Your assessment of me is not entirely accurate.   Flippant yes, but not shallow or lacking awareness.

Edited December 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed commercial link from quote

[lovebuzz]

4 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I take back saying you seem like a nice lady. You’re not. Out of curiosity you want to see if he’ll leave his wife and commit to you??? Marriage is not a game and you know a tenth of what goes on with their marriage dynamics. I have done my fair share of damage to my marriage and to my exMM but never would I hurt someone because I was curious. You’re actually causing intentional harm by staying away knowing he’ll come around because as you say, you’re “his drug”. Peoples lives, emotions and heart aren’t yours to play with, regardless of what you think goes on between them. It’s almost as you feel you’re allowed to puppet master this. His wife is a person!! How are you going to feel if she starts a smear campaign can’t against you? Aren’t you in the same community? How’s tennis going to go after that? 

Is it me or does this sound like a fake story? It just keeps getting nuttier. 

I am not doing it just because I am curious... that is just part of it.  I am doing it because I would like to be married to him and willing to try.

Is staying away actually causing harm?  That is what she wants.

I doubt she is going to tell her neighbors about her husband cheating on her with me.  And it would not affect my tennis.  Him not being allowed to play tennis with me now is affecting my tennis.

[RebeccaR]

11 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

  I am doing it because I would like to be married to him and willing to try.

If you actually want to care for yourself, get some therapy to process your late husband’s loss. Sounds like you really need that. And for gods sake share openly with your therapist.

It depends if you actually want to heal, or if you want to cover up the pain with a bandaid. If you use a bandaid, marrying this sex addict won’t help.

[lovebuzz]

35 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

OP, in your first post you asked some questions. People gave you some answers, which you mainly responded didn’t apply in your situation. So what is the reason you’re continuing to post here? You don’t seem to require help or support. If you are looking for predictions, we don’t know you or him and we don’t have a crystal ball. You’ll benefit more by planning your next moves instead of being frustrated reading here.

I wanted to see what people think.  And what I have learned is that I am the only one here who thinks I have a chance... all odds are against me.

My next move is wait and see.

[lovebuzz]

1 minute ago, RebeccaR said:

If you actually want to care for yourself, get some therapy to process your late husband’s loss. Sounds like you really need that. And for gods sake share openly with your therapist.

It depends if you actually want to heal, or if you want to cover up the pain with a bandaid. If you use a bandaid, marrying this sex addict won’t help.

I speak to my therapist once a week.  I was in shock for about 1 1/2 years and now I am feeling better regarding my late husband. 

I have talked about MM with her.  She does not advise, naturally... who would?

[RebeccaR]

2 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

I wanted to see what people think.  And what I have learned is that I am the only one here who thinks I have a chance... all odds are against me.

My next move is wait and see.

Of course you have a chance. While I understand you’re attracted to this dude, the question is why do you want this drama. Before this affair, have you previously thrived on drama and backbiting and inappropriate boundaries?