MM tells me he has feelings for me

[ExpatInItaly]

I think that anything we say here is going to fall on deaf ears, simply because OP has already made up her mind that this man is what she wants. 

Trying to get her to see reason or warn her isn't going to accomplish much, because she doesn't actually have any intention of leaving this man in her dust. Her goal is get him to start their affair again and leave his wife. We can explain until we're blue in the face why it's a fool's errand, but...we can also see she finds a rebuttal to everything that doesn't suit her agenda. 

So OP, my question to you is - what advice are you seeking here? What is it you want help with this at this point? 

 

[elaine567]

On 11/30/2021 at 2:22 PM, lovebuzz said:

  He is 65, married 38 years with grown children and grandchildren. 

^^^ this is very important.
He's not  I guess going to leave all that behind and be persona non grata with you.

You need to face the fact that he will want you to be the fun OW that adds to his life and you need to accept that role, or nothing at all if he goes through with his intention to choose his wife and bin you.

I get that you see him as perfect FOR YOU and that you could have a great life together, BUT first he needs to CHOOSE you and atm he is just not doing that and if I am correct he will not do that. His wife may have demanded he write that letter, but she may not have, MM tend to want to hide behind  their wife and never want to be the bad guy... so better for him  to say or imply his wife TOLD him to write it than take the responsibility of it for himself...
It is also better for the OW to think he was coerced into writing it... it soothes her ego...
MM always tend to do what is best for themselves and they know where their bread is best buttered and that is usually with their wife and family.
Going it alone with an OW is too difficult. 

At 35 maybe, 65 no.
If his wife chucks him out, you may have a chance. But then  you will "win" him by default and not by his choice...
Of course you then have the hurdle of once "free" will he then want you... some don't.
Their OW, is OW material, NOT wife material in their eyes... 

[lovebuzz]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think that anything we say here is going to fall on deaf ears, simply because OP has already made up her mind that this man is what she wants. 

Trying to get her to see reason or warn her isn't going to accomplish much, because she doesn't actually have any intention of leaving this man in her dust. Her goal is get him to start their affair again and leave his wife. We can explain until we're blue in the face why it's a fool's errand, but...we can also see she finds a rebuttal to everything that doesn't suit her agenda. 

So OP, my question to you is - what advice are you seeking here? What is it you want help with this at this point? 

 

I find it curious that the general consensus on this site is that he will not return when the opposite is true when speaking to the 5 people (2 friends, 2 sisters and a therapist) I have told in my real life.   I have given everyone the same info.  How is that possible?  The only difference is obvisously in real life they know me well, and here the people do not.  In real life the people who know me also are aware that I am not a bad person, but here it seems, I am pure evil and derserve all negative consequences.  I would like to know if anyone here agrees with my real life people?

 

16 hours ago, elaine567 said:

^^^ this is very important.
He's not  I guess going to leave all that behind and be persona non grata with you.

You need to face the fact that he will want you to be the fun OW that adds to his life and you need to accept that role, or nothing at all if he goes through with his intention to choose his wife and bin you.

I get that you see him as perfect FOR YOU and that you could have a great life together, BUT first he needs to CHOOSE you and atm he is just not doing that and if I am correct he will not do that. His wife may have demanded he write that letter, but she may not have, MM tend to want to hide behind  their wife and never want to be the bad guy... so better for him  to say or imply his wife TOLD him to write it than take the responsibility of it for himself...
It is also better for the OW to think he was coerced into writing it... it soothes her ego...
MM always tend to do what is best for themselves and they know where their bread is best buttered and that is usually with their wife and family.
Going it alone with an OW is too difficult. 

At 35 maybe, 65 no.
If his wife chucks him out, you may have a chance. But then  you will "win" him by default and not by his choice...
Of course you then have the hurdle of once "free" will he then want you... some don't.
Their OW, is OW material, NOT wife material in their eyes... 

I agree with you for the most part except:

I think he believes that I am wife material because he knows I spent the last few years trying to save my ex-husbands life, he has seen photos of me with my ex-husband and knows that my ex-husband loved me very much.  Also, my financial situation is good which I think is a plus.

I also think that it is easier to leave your wife when the children are all grown and out of the house, than when they are small and in the house.

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Gail1165 said:

Most likely his wife either wrote that or sat down with bin and told him what to write. That's alot to deal with tho and seems as tho he and his wife are stuck in this cycle together. But 💯 his wife had something to do with that letter. I had one pretty much just like it. Was told later he had nothing to do with it but I think he knew about it. 

But was your MM going home telling his wife everytime he saw you or another woman?  This one does that.  He's playing some silly game with his wife to rev her up and we haven't a clue what he's getting out of that action.

[mark clemson]

On 12/4/2021 at 9:12 AM, lovebuzz said:

I would like to know if it could happen rather than give up.  It's not like I would not date anyone else while I am waiting for him.  I'm free to date anyone... he is the one who has restrictions. 

Yes, it could happen. The planet could also get hit by a meteor we didn't detect tomorrow.

I'm not sure you're doing yourself any favors by waiting on the 3% chance scenario (of him re-initiating contact AND leaving his wife for you) or that I'd be doing you a service by suggesting you do so. There's always some chance, but if it's quite small it's not necessarily a chance worth taking.

If you really don't care for a new partner and intend to just live your life and see whether anything ever develops I suppose there is no harm done. But I wouldn't put the rest of your life on hold for this (including your romantic life if you decide you DO want romance after all). Simply wouldn't make sense to do so.

I don't think he's a pawn in your game. He seems to be responding to the options he has available. Right now there's isn't much opportunity to for him to have an affair with you. Once things "cool down" he might try to contact you again. That might be to restart the affair, but again it's unlikely he leaves. BTW, since the written request exists, you may want to document IF he does that he was the one who initiated contact just in case the wife starts filing harassment/stalking charges or similar nonsense.

Overall waiting for him to leave her for you is a game that you're simply not likely to win. From everything I understand that is typical in affairs.

Edited December 6, 2021 by mark clemson

[lovebuzz]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

since the written request exists, you may want to document IF he does that he was the one who initiated contact just in case the wife starts filing harassment/stalking charges or similar nonsense.

That is good advice, I will do that if/when the time comes.

 

8 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

If the op initiates contact after being told to stay away, it's hardly "nonsense" for a BS to go to law enforcement. Don't like the prizes? Then don't play the game.

OP, these are real people , and if you push them, you may not like how they react. Add to this that the people in your neighbourhood,like any other community, likely would be more that happy to spread a little gossip around.  Tread very carefully.

I will not be initiating contact under any circumstances so this is a mute point and this is not a problem.

 

8 hours ago, Gail1165 said:

That's very true. I find that very very odd. And would not like that or want to be involved with that at all. 

I totally agree.... it is really odd.  Does anyone have any idea why he is doing that?

[pepperbird2]

58 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

.

I don't think he's a pawn in your game. He seems to be responding to the options he has available. Right now there's isn't much opportunity to for him to have an affair with you. Once things "cool down" he might try to contact you again. That might be to restart the affair, but again it's unlikely he leaves. BTW, since the written request exists, you may want to document IF he does that he was the one who initiated contact just in case the wife starts filing harassment/stalking charges or similar nonsense.

 

If the op initiates contact after being told to stay away, it's hardly "nonsense" for a BS to go to law enforcement. Don't like the prizes? Then don't play the game.

OP, these are real people , and if you push them, you may not like how they react. Add to this that the people in your neighbourhood,like any other community, likely would be more that happy to spread a little gossip around.  Tread very carefully.

[Gail1165]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

But was your MM going home telling his wife everytime he saw you or another woman?  This one does that.  He's playing some silly game with his wife to rev her up and we haven't a clue what he's getting out of that action.

That's very true. I find that very very odd. And would not like that or want to be involved with that at all. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

If the op initiates contact after being told to stay away, it's hardly "nonsense" for a BS to go to law enforcement.

I'm speaking specifically of a situation where he contacts her first. She mentions that she is only waiting for him to contact her earlier in the thread and everything in my post was written with that in mind.

Maybe it's not intentional, but you seem to be bashing me for a position I never actually took.

I think your point is valid, but it's actually completely independent of what I wrote/would be specific to a case where she initiates contact.

Edited December 6, 2021 by mark clemson

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

I find it curious that the general consensus on this site is that he will not return when the opposite is true when speaking to the 5 people (2 friends, 2 sisters and a therapist) I have told in my real life.   I have given everyone the same info.  How is that possible?  The only difference is obvisously in real life they know me well, and here the people do not.  In real life the people who know me also are aware that I am not a bad person, but here it seems, I am pure evil and derserve all negative consequences.  I would like to know if anyone here agrees with my real life people?

His return is not your decision, it has nothing to do with you as a person, and how well people know about you being a good person. His return depends 100% on him. What you have told us of him indicates he has A LOT to lose if he leaves her, and it's unlikely he would leave all that for the sake of having sex with you 'for a while'. 

[anika99]

20 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

I agree.  However from speaking to him prior,  he told me he agreed to see a therapist just to keep the peace in his home... so I believe he just agreed to send the email but did not necessarily mean all of its content.  He had also told me he was not allowed to enter my house, and then after a while, he did.

 

And how is this man even attractive to you? If he just goes along with everything his wife just to avoid conflict then he sounds pathetic. Adult men can stand up for what the want and what they believe in. This man just sounds childish and weak. 

[anika99]

13 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

I find it curious that the general consensus on this site is that he will not return when the opposite is true when speaking to the 5 people (2 friends, 2 sisters and a therapist) I have told in my real life.   I have given everyone the same info.  How is that possible?  The only difference is obvisously in real life they know me well, and here the people do not.  In real life the people who know me also are aware that I am not a bad person, but here it seems, I am pure evil and derserve all negative consequences.  I would like to know if anyone here agrees with my real life people?

Oh I wouldn't be surprised if this guy comes sniffing around you again once the dust settles at home but he will only want to use for an affair, a source for his sex and love addiction. He's not going to leave his wife of 38 yrs for you. I don't think you are pure evil but I do think you have lost sight of your morals. 

 

13 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

I think he believes that I am wife material because he knows I spent the last few years trying to save my ex-husbands life, he has seen photos of me with my ex-husband and knows that my ex-husband loved me very much.  

 

 

13 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

I also think that it is easier to leave your wife when the children are all grown and out of the house, than when they are small and in the house.

Oh well big whoop! Lots of wives are loving and take good care of their husbands, his own wife has shown that she is also very loyal to him as she has stayed with him through thick and thin. The MM has learned a few other things about you too. He's learned that you have no qualms with participating in an affair and that you are willing to sacrifice your self respect  and accept the position of affair partner. There's that old joke that goes "I wouldn't want to join any club that would have me as a member" 

When it comes to when is it a good time to leave in regards to the kids it really depends. Sure it's hard to leave when they are little but then again children tend to be forgiving of their parents and they also don't really get much in say in what they will or will not accept. They are at their parent's mercy but adult children have minds of their own and the freedom to make whatever decision they want. Adult kids don't have a problem telling their parents exactly what they think, going no contact or low contact with their parent and keeping them away from grandchildren. At your MM's age family is everything and I find it very unlikely he's going to risk his lifelong relationships to run away with his mistress. When I was a young woman I believed in sacrificing it all for the love of a romantic partner but as I've gotten older I've learned that it's the relationships that I've had most of my life that hold the most value and there isn't a single man on earth that I would choose over my family or lifelong friends. I wouldn't even let a man come between me and my pets, lol. You need to come back down to earth. This MM isn't going to give away everything he's spent his life building including his family just for the sake of some temporary passion. You stroked his ego and made him feel like he's still got and now he's probably strutting around like a proud rooster because he's got two women that want him and he got to have some fun on the side without consequences. 

[lovebuzz]

23 hours ago, Gaeta said:

His return is not your decision, it has nothing to do with you as a person, and how well people know about you being a good person. His return depends 100% on him. What you have told us of him indicates he has A LOT to lose if he leaves her, and it's unlikely he would leave all that for the sake of having sex with you 'for a while'. 

Don't forget that he is a love/sex addict with very little self-control and has a disregard for negative consequences.  His MO seems to be he does what he wants and then manipulates his way back.  I believe he told his wife that I was the initiator and not him so he can be forgiiven by his wife.  That seemed to be the tone of his email to me.

 

22 hours ago, S2B said:

What he’s actually portrayed clearly to you is that he would want sex with you but he chooses his wife and family life over you.

it’s typical behavior from men who cheat.

don’t expect anything when he takes the bait… he will get his fill and return home as soon as he’s done with you.

I mainly worry you expect more than just MM sex. 

You have let him know your door is open - he WILL return. But he was grooming you and you passed his test (you are a willing affair partner). His wife knows him well enough to say “don’t enter her house”. It likely indicates he’s cheated on her many times before… AND they stayed together. So proceed knowing he will use you - but I have the feeling you would return his favor just the same.

as long as you expect nothing but sex - you won’t be so disappointed.

 

The way I look at it is, if he does return, I could expect to just have some fun.  I do not have the responsibility or obligations that I had when I was married, ie, cooking, etc.  In addition, I would be free to do as I please and date other men.  I don't see it as that negative.  And if he does not treat me well, I can choose to not spend any more time with him which is not possible if you are married and living in the same house.

 

23 hours ago, Gaeta said:

it's unlikely he would leave all that for the sake of having sex with you 'for a while'. 

We have had an emotional relationship for months... it only became physical recently.  We also played tennis together a lot.  There were many aspects and benefits of our friendship.  We haven't had real sex...just almost. 

 

22 hours ago, S2B said:

as long as you expect nothing but sex - you won’t be so disappointed.

We had a lot more than sex before he was banned from me... I would be okay if we could be friends again.

 

22 hours ago, anika99 said:

he got to have some fun on the side without consequences. 

He did get consequences.  His wife was really angry and she put an end to our friendship.

 

19 hours ago, Milly May June said:

You remind me of a school friend of mine that I catch up with from time to time. She used to bully me when we were growing up, always had to be superior and chose friends who she saw as weaker. She always compared herself to others and if anyone did what she saw as better than her she would find ways to bring that person down. Her self esteem and winner mentality was off the charts so much so that she today is one of the best criminal lawyers in my country. She owns several properties and cars, branches out her law business, plays tennis, keeps herself in shape and she is not even 40. She has acomplished so much in her life other than settling down with a husband and family. Not because she does not want to but because her self worth is crap. She does not like herself deep down inside and attracts broken men. Men who hurt her over and over. Men she hurts over and over. It's a cycle. 

i think you have an unhealthy winner mentality and perhaps a superiority complex combinded with some serious insecurities about your self worth. You have a strong selfe esteem but your self worh is deffinetly lacking. Ask youself why you think you deserve a serial cheater and all the drama that will bring into your life at the ripe age of 63? 

As far as the MM' wife, she is not a competition. She is just a woman in her 60's living her life the way she wants to live it. She has other qualities that people like the MM value that have nothing to do with her looks or accomplishments. Just because you value certain acomplishments does not mean everyone else does. Explore the topic about self worth, superiority and winner mind with your therapist. If she or he does not challange you on that get a new one that will. This is not a healthy way to live your life and form relationships. 

You're assessment of me is not entirely accurate.  My ex-husband who passed was a wonderful man and we had a very loving relationship.  I attribute the strength I have today to all the love I received from him.

I have never been a bully and do not enjoy the company of weaker people.  And I do not dislike myself. 

I view the wife as an impediment not as a competitor.  It's not that I think I deserve a serial cheater, it is simply that I have an attachment to this man as an individual and we had a lot of fun together in all ways.  I was his confidante, tennis partner and friend.  The physical part of it was a fun and recent addition to our friendship.  We admired each others qualities.  I am sure he feels the same sense of loss that I have now.  I do not feel he can be easily replaced by another... just like my husband can not be replaced.

 

 

22 hours ago, anika99 said:

very unlikely he's going to risk his lifelong relationships to run away with his mistress

Many people get divorced and still have relationships with their kids, other family members and friends.

 

23 hours ago, Gaeta said:

His return is not your decision, it has nothing to do with you as a person, and how well people know about you being a good person. His return depends 100% on him. What you have told us of him indicates he has A LOT to lose if he leaves her, and it's unlikely he would leave all that for the sake of having sex with you 'for a while'. 

I was referring to how there is a difference between what the consensus of the opinions of the people on this sight and the consensus of the opinions of my real life support think about MM return to me.  I did not mean that MM return has anything to do with if people know or don't that I am a good person.  I think mostly the people on this site think I am no good and their opinion is swayed because of it.

I agree that his return depends on him alone.  And from what I know about him, I feel he will not be able to maintain the restrictions his wife has put on him for that long and will take the risk again.  We had some intense emotions and I don't think they will just go away by us being apart.

[Milly May June]

You remind me of a school friend of mine that I catch up with from time to time. She used to bully me when we were growing up, always had to be superior and chose friends who she saw as weaker. She always compared herself to others and if anyone did what she saw as better than her she would find ways to bring that person down. Her self esteem and winner mentality was off the charts so much so that she today is one of the best criminal lawyers in my country. She owns several properties and cars, branches out her law business, plays tennis, keeps herself in shape and she is not even 40. She has acomplished so much in her life other than settling down with a husband and family. Not because she does not want to but because her self worth is crap. She does not like herself deep down inside and attracts broken men. Men who hurt her over and over. Men she hurts over and over. It's a cycle. 

i think you have an unhealthy winner mentality and perhaps a superiority complex combinded with some serious insecurities about your self worth. You have a strong selfe esteem but your self worh is deffinetly lacking. Ask youself why you think you deserve a serial cheater and all the drama that will bring into your life at the ripe age of 63? 

As far as the MM' wife, she is not a competition. She is just a woman in her 60's living her life the way she wants to live it. She has other qualities that people like the MM value that have nothing to do with her looks or accomplishments. Just because you value certain acomplishments does not mean everyone else does. Explore the topic about self worth, superiority and winner mind with your therapist. If she or he does not challange you on that get a new one that will. This is not a healthy way to live your life and form relationships. 

 

 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

I am sure he feels the same sense of loss that I have now.

He probably doesn't, honestly. 

He's an addict who can get women when he wants, and has a wife to go home to. He's likely not as unhappy without you as you want him to be. He has other things going on. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

We had some intense emotions and I don't think they will just go away by us being apart.

When the dust settles with his wife, he may move on to the next lonely widow. That's how this operates. 

[vla1120]

8 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

Many people get divorced and still have relationships with their kids, other family members and friends.

My husband (divorced 8 years ago) used to have a very good relationship with our three grown daughters. Now he is estranged from all three of them. He also lost ALL the friends he used to go with on his quarterly golfing trips. Sure. Some people can get divorced and still have good relationships with their kids, but in my ex's case, his girlfriend is so insecure and controlling, she won't allow him to visit ANYONE without her present. It only takes one person to throw a wrench in those relationships. In my case, it was his petty girlfriend. In your (his) case, it might be a scorned wife.

[Milly May June]

 

What if your former husband found a better match than you (and lets face it there is always someone out there that is better than you) and another woman viewed you as an obsticle and started playing games so your husband would leave you? If that was the case you would not have had a wonderful loving relationship to write about today. Your winner mentality can ruin peoples lives and I am not only talking about his wife but also his kids. Do you honestly think his kids will be ok with their dad leaving their mom for another woman or do you view his kids as impediments too?

If you had feelings for this man, real feelings of love, you would not do things that would hurt him. Yes he has a free will but he is a sex and love addict. You are in a way exploiting his weakness. this man is not a prize. He is a high risk. You want him because of how he makes you feel. His wife however loves him because she believes there is good in him that has sustained a 30 year relationship and that he is not his addiction. 

I think my assumtion of you is quite accurate. It shines through your posts. You may not have been a bully but I do think you have some issues or just plain lack of empathy. Either way it is not healthy. 

I will bow out from this thread. 

[lovebuzz]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He probably doesn't, honestly. 

He's an addict who can get women when he wants, and has a wife to go home to. He's likely not as unhappy without you as you want him to be. He has other things going on. 

Absense make the heart grow fonder is known to be true.  There are no other women around here for him... it's not like he goes out without his wife.

 

Mark, you are very wise.  I had not considered that.

 

5 hours ago, Milly May June said:

 

What if your former husband found a better match than you (and lets face it there is always someone out there that is better than you) and another woman viewed you as an obsticle and started playing games so your husband would leave you? If that was the case you would not have had a wonderful loving relationship to write about today. Your winner mentality can ruin peoples lives and I am not only talking about his wife but also his kids. Do you honestly think his kids will be ok with their dad leaving their mom for another woman or do you view his kids as impediments too?

If you had feelings for this man, real feelings of love, you would not do things that would hurt him. Yes he has a free will but he is a sex and love addict. You are in a way exploiting his weakness. this man is not a prize. He is a high risk. You want him because of how he makes you feel. His wife however loves him because she believes there is good in him that has sustained a 30 year relationship and that he is not his addiction. 

I think my assumtion of you is quite accurate. It shines through your posts. You may not have been a bully but I do think you have some issues or just plain lack of empathy. Either way it is not healthy. 

I will bow out from this thread. 

I think you are being judgmental and not fair.  His wife loves him and believes there is good in him.  why is it okay for his wife to believe there is good in him but I shouldn't?

Grown kids can get over their parents divorcing... it happens often... my parents were divorced... I am not still mad at them.

FYI, I told him before we were even physical that I could help him by not speaking to him anymore and he said he didn't want that.

We all have issues

 

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

When the dust settles with his wife, he may move on to the next lonely widow. That's how this operates. 

I don't think so.  I am the first time he has strayed in six years and the pickins are slim around here.

 

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He probably doesn't, honestly. 

He's an addict who can get women when he wants, and has a wife to go home to. He's likely not as unhappy without you as you want him to be. He has other things going on. 

I totally disagree.  There are no other women around here for him other than his wife and me in his controlled environment.  He has said it was "very painful".  The "other things going on" for him is that his wife is watching him like a hawk and his interactions are monitored.

[catbestfriend]

My philosophy is, do what you do but be realistic about the probability of consequences. If you don’t want to be hurt, don’t engage in activities that are likely to end up hurting you. If you are not someone who gets bruised by such things or don’t care about how you will feel in the future, sure, do you. But recognize what is serving as the rationale for your decisions and don’t expect people to agree with you. (That is putting aside the question of ethics as that does not seem to be on the table in this convo. If the question were about ethics, I would comment differently.)

Edited December 8, 2021 by catbestfriend

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

You're assessment of me is not entirely accurate. 

I think mostly the people on this site think I am no good and their opinion is swayed because of it.

People can't really know you from internet posts. They will "judge" you based on the actions you describe (from the entirety of your life) or the situation you are in, and they will judge in accordance with their own morals, which may be very different from yours. [ ] 

Edited December 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

There are no other women around here for him other than his wife and me in his controlled environment.  He has said it was "very painful".  The "other things going on" for him is that his wife is watching him like a hawk and his interactions are monitored.

So you very badly want to believe, yes. 

That doesn't make it true. 

You are exceedingly unlikely to be exceptional case which ends in Happily Ever After, but you do you. I personally would not set my standards this low. 

[lovebuzz]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So you very badly want to believe, yes. 

That doesn't make it true. 

You are exceedingly unlikely to be exceptional case which ends in Happily Ever After, but you do you. I personally would not set my standards this low. 

Next week I plan to start with online dating.  I need another week to recuperate from this shock I am experiencing.  

 

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Just disregard all the red flags and character flaws because he is a good friend and tennis partner. What kind of decision making is that? And, if that’s true - be his friend. Have a weekly game of tennis together in public and then let him go home to his wife. You can enjoy his company without having sex and breaking up his marriage - can you not?

Not anymore according to his email.  I am barred from even playing tennis with him.

 

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I think you are making a poor decision and throwing out a bunch of rather silly justifications for your behavior… your posts remind me of a petulant teenager - I’m going to do what I want to do and nobody can stop me! I had tuned out of this thread because there is nothing anyone can say that will sway you… And honestly, it’s disheartening to watch an otherwise intelligent and mature woman sacrifice her self respect by involving herself in such a relationship…

Such a double standard.  He did not sacrifice his self-respect only I did.  We both did the same thing... the only difference is he initiated and he is married.  Why is it that I am the home wrecker?  He is wrecking his own home!

 

13 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Since his "final email" has he been in touch?

No.  It has been 9 days since his "final email".  I figure he might reach out after January.

 

13 hours ago, HowToQuit said:

So glad I opened popcorn as my early Xmas present! I ate it all reading this thread!

lol... if nothing else... at least I can offer entertainment value to someone.   Real life is more interesting than fiction.

 

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I think you are making a poor decision and throwing out a bunch of rather silly justifications for your behavior… your posts remind me of a petulant teenager - I’m going to do what I want to do and nobody can stop me! I had tuned out of this thread because there is nothing anyone can say that will sway you… And honestly, it’s disheartening to watch an otherwise intelligent and mature woman sacrifice her self respect by involving herself in such a relationship…

And how about a 65 yr old man risking his family by acting like a teenage boy with his sexual appetite!

 

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Is there really nobody else you can date? As was said above, I would not set my standards so low…

Why involve yourself in this kind of drama? Personally, I would stay single for the rest of my life and live very happily before I would involve myself in a situation like this.

I plan to start online dating next week to distract me since he is not around now. 

As far as the drama, I could have done without it... but, it did not bother me that much either.

 

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Just disregard all the red flags and character flaws because he is a good friend and tennis partner. What kind of decision making is that?

As you must know, it is way easier for an outside person to see the correct way to behave because they are not emotionally involved.  It is not as cut and dry as you make it seem.

 

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

they care only about the chase and scoring

Except he did not exactly score.

 

On 12/6/2021 at 7:17 PM, anika99 said:

And how is this man even attractive to you? If he just goes along with everything his wife just to avoid conflict then he sounds pathetic. Adult men can stand up for what the want and what they believe in. This man just sounds childish and weak. 

As everyone on this site has pointed out, he is going along with everything his wife wants so he doesn't lose his family.  I can understand that.  Obviously even though he wants me, he doesn't want me at the expense of losing his family.  That does not make him childish and weak.  The only thing weak about him is his sexual appetite. 

This is why ideally, one should stay away from married men.  For me, it is easier said than done.

 

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

This seems to me to be the rub. OP, you are waiting on communication that may or may not ever arrive.

The good news is you seem content on your own, so no harm done in that sense.

I don't sense much drama in that actually, in and of itself. OP posted here, but it seems like without extended commentary from external parties, things would essentially be humdrum, with perhaps a bit of unrequited longing thrown in.

That is why I plan to do the online dating soon... since I am just waiting for him to contact me and nothing is going on.  Just need more time to recuperate from my shock.

 

10 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

This is almost funny, but it's also one of the most pathetic things I've read in a long, long time. So what you're saying is this guy, who clearly knows he has a problem (sex addiction) and that it's hurting his wife and potentially putting his kids at risk. He has a chance to get some therapy to improve himself an make him less of a jackass ,  and he would rather fake his way through it, and comment on this to a women he wants to sleep with on the side as if it's something to proud of?

Add to that he seems to feel it's a good joke that he's going behind her back? Good god, what is, he? three years old? "My big mean mommy told me I can't go out to play, but guess what? I ran away" ?.

That's ridiculous.

I also think it's funny you said that... he had told me he ran away when he was a kid. 

Once I asked him if he was sure he should be doing this if he is going to therapy, and his reply was he was just going to therapy to appease his wife... it was not like he was proud of going behind her back or that is was a joke...it is more that he gets an adrenalin rush from almost getting caught.  He is an adrenalin junkie.... a symptom of his addiction.

 

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

I thought you said you guys live in a 55+ development?

Yes it is a 55+ community.  Everyone here is older or at least look older.... no one here would be interested in cheating with him.  Most people are married and I'm pretty sure the old married woman are not going to cheat with him.

 

9 hours ago, Deckert said:

The people in real life who are telling you what you want to hear are biased- they're friends and relatives.

Here, people are impartial, and many are experienced in these sorts of relationship matters, having been through it themselves and having read countless accounts of others.

You're not alone in how you see the advice given- most people come to forums like this expecting to hear a particular brand or flavor of advice and when they don't get it, they rebel.

Doesn't mean anyone is more right than anyone else, but the general consensus to which I agree is that you're wasting your time and wasting your life chasing a guy who has his priorities elsewhere. You might look into what is driving you to make such self destructive choices.

 

 

I'm hoping I could get over this soon... but at the moment, it doesn't feel like it.  Maybe when I start online dating, it might help.

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

I am the first time he has strayed in six years.

There are no other women around here for him other than his wife and me in his controlled environment.  He has said it was "very painful".  The "other things going on" for him is that his wife is watching him like a hawk and his interactions are monitored.

Is there really nobody else you can date? As was said above, I would not set my standards so low…

Why involve yourself in this kind of drama? Personally, I would stay single for the rest of my life and live very happily before I would involve myself in a situation like this.

[BaileyB]

On 12/6/2021 at 10:27 PM, lovebuzz said:

It's not that I think I deserve a serial cheater.  I was his confidante, tennis partner and friend.

Just disregard all the red flags and character flaws because he is a good friend and tennis partner. What kind of decision making is that? And, if that’s true - be his friend. Have a weekly game of tennis together in public and then let him go home to his wife. You can enjoy his company without having sex and breaking up his marriage - can you not?

Edited December 8, 2021 by BaileyB