MM tells me he has feelings for me

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

I am 63.   I look much younger.

So you are 2 years younger than her.  When in your 60s you can look incredible at 61 but by 65 aged tremendously, no matter how well you take care of yourself.  You think he's with you for your looks?  He's with you because it's not easy for a 65 year old man to find a woman who will actually cheat with him on his wife.   Most women have better sense by that age.  Me thinks if he were really looking to trade in his wife he would pick someone younger than their 60s.  With his credentials he could get a younger wife.

[lovebuzz]

And the fact that it is not easy for a 65 year old man to find a woman who will cheat with him is the reason I don't think he would cheat on me.  He would be even older by the time he is looking to cheat on me.

I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him and we did not.  It was foreplay.... but mostly we have an emotional attachment.  I'm sure he would've wanted to finish the deed, but it did not happen because I would not allow it.  So, it is not another notch in his belt at this point.  Now, I am sure he is thinking about it a lot.  We are both in pain.

I think I have more good qualities than most even younger woman... it's not just looks.  And it's not that easy for him to find someone else, younger, better as you are aware.

[lovebuzz]

It's not that he was looking to trade in his wife before we met... it's that we met each other and that made him consider it.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

 I am not wanting to go online now.. My husband passed 2 1/2 yrs ago.  I wasn't looking for a partner although I would like one.

Sorry to hear this. You need to deal with the grief and loneliness. Your activities and social life are a great start. However be aware he realizes you are vulnerable, so guard yourself. But alas, it's over. So now you're free to meet single quality men.

Edited November 30, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Girl Fade Away]

5 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

He told me he is a love and sex addict.

@lovebuzz are you at all familiar with sex addiction?  If he is in fact a sex addict like you say, it wouldn't matter how gorgeous you are, or any of the other qualities you possess that you believe makes you stand out from his wife or other women.  Sex is not about love or emotional connection for a sex addict, or even sexual desire and fulfillment, it is about validation.  Filling that empty hole inside their core.    And they will seek out that validation with whomever and whenever.   

No ONE person will ever be able to fill that empty hole inside their core, no matter how sexy, beautiful or awesome, it's a bottom pit.  And as such if you think he will never cheat on you because you're this awesome creature, you are sadly mistaken. 

My advice is educate yourself about sex addiction and stop deluding yourself.

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[lovebuzz]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 But alas, it's over. 

Just figured out how to reply to the proper member.

I'm not so sure it's over.  I believe he is considering leaving his wife.... that the email he sent was to appease his wife if he even sent it at all.... and that he will try to connect with me again.  I think he does have feelings for me and is in the process of making a decision.  It is not a small decision and so he needs some time.  It has only been a week since the physical aspect of our relationship started and his wife became aware.  As this is the holiday season, it is is not the best time to initiate a divorce.

[lovebuzz]

3 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

@lovebuzz are you at all familiar with sex addiction?  If he is in fact a sex addict like you say, it wouldn't matter how gorgeous you are, or any of the other things you mentioned that you believe makes you stand out from the others.  Sex is not about love or emotional connection for them, it is about validation.  Filling that empty hole inside their core.    And they will seek out that validation with whomever and whenever.   

No one person will ever be able to fill that empty hole inside their core, it's a bottom pit.  And as such if you think he will never cheat on your because you're this awesome creature, think again.  My advice is educate yourself about sex addiction and stop deluding yourself.

 

I realize that.  But seeing how he is going to be retired soon and lives in a 55+ community, there are not a lot of prospects for him.  And although he is an addict, he doesn't act out constantly.  The last time he cheated was 6 years ago.  I believe with a new relationship, it would take him a least a couple of years before he gets the itch.  By that time he will be close to 70.  In addition, I would put a significant penalty in a prenup to deter him.  I will not commit unless engaged but that is later on in the plan.  First step... divorce.  No sex unless getting divorced.

[Starswillshine]

Oh Geez, what is it about these men that make relative smart successful women lose all sensibilities? 

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by Starswillshine

[mark clemson]

Quite honestly, it feels like you are doing a lot of wishful thinking here and/or thinking with your heart, not your head:

- Just because his wife made him write the letter (a reasonable assumption I think) that doesn't mean he'll leave her. Practical matters very often trump sentiments in life.

- Just because he has feelings for you doesn't mean he'd "stay true" if he did leave, particularly if he's single via divorce.

- There is plenty of romancing of various types going on within senior communities and even assisted-living facilities, so opportunities to stray for those who wish to will not go away.

- Lots of women like to date "winners" so again he is unlikely to lack for opportunities for too long.

I feel like you've unfortunately "fallen for the wrong guy."  This is far from unheard of, and in fact happens every day. Because of this, you are trying to find ways to imagine how "things might work out." However, even if they did (very unlikely), the chances of him sticking around and/or being a reliable partner are ALSO very unlikely from what you describe.

You're an adult and can make your own decisions. However I think you owe it to yourself to take a step back here and try to look at the whole situation very rationally, rather than "with (unrealistic) hopes in your heart". It's not a good picture.

Plenty of people in this world have lived to regret actually getting what they thought they wanted, and I think the points above about you having better options if you look elsewhere are also very likely true.

[lovebuzz]

16 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Oh Geez, what is it about these men that make relative smart successful women lose all sensibilities? 

 

I have not done anything untowardly.  I have not contacted him and will not since he requested me not to.   Even before he requested me not to, I did not contact him unless he contacted me first.   I haven't spoken to his wife and do not intend to.  I did not come on to him.  I did not have full sex with him.  All I did was follow his lead.  But now, I feel very depressed even though I still feel it is not over yet.  Why does everyone think he will not get a divorce if 50% of the population gets divorced and I know he is crazy about me?  I just don't think it is that much of a stretch.  He is obviously not getting along with his wife.   I don't see it as bleak as everyone here and not sure why everyone thinks there is no way he will divorce his wife.

[mark clemson]

^^ because there's a marked tendency among MM who cheat to not leave. I have heard various figures bandied about - my view is that it's something like a 1/20 probability. So it can happen, but just usually doesn't.

Often they don't genuinely want a divorce, they either want to help themselves feel better while maintaining a poor marriage or they are indeed happy but simply want "extra".

I suspect some reasonable % are indeed "testing the waters" with an eye towards leaving; but again practical matters often trump sentiment and actually going through with a divorce is typically a BIG deal for folks.

Edited November 30, 2021 by mark clemson

[Starswillshine]

6 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

But now, I feel very depressed even though I still feel it is not over yet.

Affairs have heightened emotions even more so than a traditional relationship. I would wager a bet it has something to do with the competition, the secrecy, the illicitness. The pain will only get worse if you continue to try to pursue this when he comes calling again. Because I agree, it is not over yet. 

8 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

Why does everyone think he will not get a divorce if 50% of the population gets divorced and I know he is crazy about me?  I just don't think it is that much of a stretch.  He is obviously not getting along with his wife.   I don't see it as bleak as everyone here and not sure why everyone thinks there is no way he will divorce his wife.

You are thinking with a monogamous mind set. It is not one over the other. It is not you or his wife. It is you AND his wife. This guy is a serial cheat. It isn't about his relationship with his wife, it is about something within him  that needs the validation of other women. It does not matter who you are, what qualities you bring, etc etc... he will still need the attention and admiration from many women. A one off cheater could likely do some self discovery and figure out what character flaws lead them to an affair, a serial cheat will likely never recover from this.

If this guy divorces, it would likely be because his wife has had enough of him and his lying ways. He may come running to you. And maybe you can keep his attention on soley you for a couple of years, but then it just gets old and boring. Much like men who need thrills and adrenaline seeking adventure, your words of admiration won't do the trick anymore (he's heard them all before from you, it just doesn't register), you become predictable, he will know where to kiss you and what reaction that will bring. And soon, you'll just be the boring wife at home that he cheats on with other women. And I mean, that is... if he actually pursues a real relationship with you now that it isn't secretive and illicit. 

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

It's not that he was looking to trade in his wife before we met... it's that we met each other and that made him consider it.

Then what was his excuse for cheating on his wife before? Obviously that OW made him consider it, as well, but he stayed with his wife.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

And the fact that it is not easy for a 65 year old man to find a woman who will cheat with him is the reason I don't think he would cheat on me. 

Darling, if he wants to cheat with you, he will cheat on you. 

Juat remember, you are not even his first rodeo… it’s foolish to think that he would be faithful to you. 

[vla1120]

41 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

- Just because he has feelings for you doesn't mean he'd "stay true" if he did leave, particularly if he's single via divorce.

^^^THIS! How many times have we seen the MM/MW dump the OW/OM once they are free and realize they can date whomever they choose openly. Plus, as you describe him, I think he would have PLENTY of younger options. He's a doctor, engineer, with a pilot license, I'm sure he's financially secure. There are plenty of 30-40 somethings who would be happy to entertain their options with him.

Edited November 30, 2021 by vla1120

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

The last time he cheated was 6 years ago.  I believe with a new relationship, it would take him a least a couple of years before he gets the itch.  By that time he will be close to 70. 

This was just the funniest thing that I’ve heard today. 

[vla1120]

34 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

I have not done anything untowardly.  I have not contacted him and will not since he requested me not to.   Even before he requested me not to, I did not contact him unless he contacted me first.   I haven't spoken to his wife and do not intend to.  I did not come on to him.  I did not have full sex with him.  All I did was follow his lead.  But now, I feel very depressed even though I still feel it is not over yet.  Why does everyone think he will not get a divorce if 50% of the population gets divorced and I know he is crazy about me?  I just don't think it is that much of a stretch.  He is obviously not getting along with his wife.   I don't see it as bleak as everyone here and not sure why everyone thinks there is no way he will divorce his wife.

Sure, he might get divorced. If he does, it probably won't be his doing. His wife will probably get fed up and finally kick him to the curb, like I did with my cheating husband after 32 years. So, yes. In that respect, you might have a glimmer of hope. I just doubt he's going to leave his wife because he won't want to give her half of everything he's worked so hard to obtain (which is probably why most men, at that age, decide not to leave their wives.)

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Oh Geez, what is it about these men that make relative smart successful women lose all sensibilities? 

 

In my observation?

The woman's loneliness and insecurity about being able to attract someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

I have not contacted him and will not since he requested me not to.

Excellent. Don't. This is your cue to get grief counseling for the loss of your husband.

If you are ready, join some dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee.

Sure. It was a brief ego boost. But going down this unrealistic fantasy rabbit hole down to planning your prenup, won't solve your grief or loneliness.

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, lovebuzz said:

I have not done anything untowardly

That isn't true. 

You have inappropriately engaged with a married man. 

1 hour ago, lovebuzz said:

I believe with a new relationship, it would take him a least a couple of years before he gets the itch.  By that time he will be close to 70

You underestimate a philanderer's ability to philander.

My partner's now-deceased father cheated on his mother throughout his life, right up into his 80s. Even old dudes can find a willing partner if they are so inclined. 

[Girl Fade Away]

lovebuzz, I am sure you are lovely, but something I have learned over the years is that no matter how beautiful, loving, caring, successful etc we are, NONE of us are that special.   Especially NOT to a liar, cheater and manipulator like he is.  I really do think once you get over this idea that you are just so special, that everything will be different with YOU, you may see things more clearly and have a better chance of getting out this toxic mess without too much pain.

Again I mean no offense when saying this because honestly you sound lovely with a lot going for you.  But none of us possess the power to transform a lying, cheating, sex addicted sociopath into a kind decent human being.  NOT possible.  

Edited November 30, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[IfWishesWereHorses]

2 hours ago, lovebuzz said:

And the fact that it is not easy for a 65 year old man to find a woman who will cheat with him is the reason I don't think he would cheat on me.  He would be even older by the time he is looking to cheat on me.

I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him and we did not.  It was foreplay.... but mostly we have an emotional attachment.  I'm sure he would've wanted to finish the deed, but it did not happen because I would not allow it.  So, it is not another notch in his belt at this point.  Now, I am sure he is thinking about it a lot.  We are both in pain.

I think I have more good qualities than most even younger woman... it's not just looks.  And it's not that easy for him to find someone else, younger, better as you are aware.

This got a chuckle out of me! Obviously it is pretty easy to find a woman to have and affair with! Just be sure that this has nothing to do with her qualities or your qualities, a “love” or “sex” addict enjoys the conquest, the initial highs, the love bombing, the getting to know you! Once that’s done, it’s time for another high, another conquest, another notch in the bedpost! Getting there is more than half the fun! And be sure… there are plenty of eligible women, divorced or widowed willing to do the same and they will absolutely fall for all the same lines. You and she (the wife) maybe very different but he is the same and I guarantee it hasn’t been six years since he’s been on the prowl. 

[Lotsgoingon]

The problem here is that you do not exist. This is all about him. There is no sense of what YOU want. You're just passively along for the ride. 

Have you dated much? I'm wondering if you have not dated much and if that is the reason you have jumped and become hypnotized by this guy's attention. Nothing wrong with you if you have not dated much. But you can do way better than this guy. 

[lovebuzz]

2 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Then what was his excuse for cheating on his wife before? Obviously that OW made him consider it, as well, but he stayed with his wife.

I asked him that question.  He said this is really his first affair because he cares about me.  The others he cheated with were just for sex. 

Obviously we don't know if he is telling the truth but I think he is.

For a cheater, he seems to tell the truth a lot.

[BaileyB]

OP, you are not seriously looking for advice here. So what is your purpose?